Back Again

missgsr · Post by **missgsr** » Sat Feb 20, 2010 10:03 am

I had a little bout with anxiety today, like a bout significant enough where I'm afraid it might stick for a while. I take Celexa and it pretty well keeps my anxiety away so this is the first time in about a year that this has happened. I had forgotten how awful it feels...it is the worst feeling ever, something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

I took half a Valium and feel much better now but not 100%. Some of the effects are still lingering: knot in my stomach, shakiness, "what-if" thinking...will I feel better tomorrow or is this going to stick and if it does, how long will it stick? I know you're not supposed to be scared of your anxiety but when mine is bad, it takes over my whole life. I can't help but feel scared that the next weeks or months of my life could be spent in misery and fear. You ALL know how horrible that is.

Since my last major bout with anxiety which lasted from 10/08 to about 1/09, I've learned a LOT about myself and how to cope with this by working with Lucinda's program and reading self help books. I think the absolute most crutial element to conquering this is to learn how to speak to yourself positively. If we can master that, we can beat anxiety. I am the first to admit, however, that trying to think about anything positive during an anxiety attack is just about the hardest thing to do. One book that has been absolutely invaluable is What to Say When You Talk to Yourself by Shad Helmstetter. It talks about changing your negative thinking patterns and actually gives you instructions how to do it. It's a very empowering book. It seems like even when I am at the very bottom of the black hole of my anxiety, the act of reading that book gives me some relief and makes me feel like I CAN get better. I know you all know what it feels like to be in that black anxious hole and feel like it's never going to get any better. This book makes me feel like it will get better.

Also, having gone through this d@mn anxiety thing multiple times, I know now that it WILL go away and it's SO important to remember that. The first few times I though I would feel that horrible feeling forever and couldn't imagine what I could do to make it go away. I felt like if this was how I was going to feel for the rest of my life, I'd rather die. I'd never do the unthinkable but just having those thoughts was so painful. Now I know that it will pass. Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow but it will happen.

Oh yeah, and we have to stop and acknowledge what is going on in our lives and the fact that we are not stones. We are people with feelings that are affected by events in our lives. Seems like when I have a bout with anxiety, I feel like it just came on all of a sudden and don't know why. In the last year I found out that my Dad had cancer, watched him waste away, and then lost him. I went through a break-up, my Mom's condo burned down, my car was broken into, and my Grandma had a stroke and got into a car accident. Dang. See, I need to listen to my own advise. Apparently there are several events that built up to todays little anxiety episode.

Anyhow, I just stopped by for some words of encouragement. Thanks for listening to my own pep talk.

P.S. Whether you have Lucinda's program or not and especially those of you who can't afford the program, you NEED to get that book I was talking about. It's paperback and it's only like $7.99.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Feb 20, 2010 1:40 pm

I'm having a similar issue after about 5 years of no major attacks and it's a huge set back for me. I've been sick off an on for about 3 weeks, and I think the anxiety of that plus worrying about work set me off. I ended up in the ER the other day with a HUGE panic attack.

It was my personal "bottom" and it taught me that I HAVE to treat myself better. And you're right; it starts with self-talk.

Thank you for the suggestion; I'm going to check the book out!

Isn't it nice, though, to have a place like this to run back to when you need it?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Feb 20, 2010 2:15 pm

Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear about your setback. I know we all have them but I think we'd like to think when it's gone, it's gone for good. My personal bottom was the last time I was speaking of in 10/08. It was the first time I felt that tingly feeling on my neck in almost 7 years. Man, it's like a nightmare.

You are SO right about treating ourselves better. When the anxiety comes back, I do everything right and I don't know about you but when I get back to normal, I always end up going back to the "normal" things that probably got me here in the first place: going out drinking (hangovers), eating crappy food, drinking coffee (yikes!).

Yes, it is great to have this place to come back to where you know everyone knows exactly how you feel. As soon as I had my little episode today, coming to this site was the first thing I thought of. I don't think I was really expecting advice so much as words of encouragement and people sharing their similar stories (like you

.

Feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk. *hugs*

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Feb 21, 2010 11:14 am

Well, I felt pretty good as the evening wore on last night but when I woke up at 7 this morning, I couldn't go back to sleep. I know that's not THAT early but dangit, I don't want to get up at 7 on a Sunday morning! I put two Quietude tablets under my tongue and did my breathing exercise. I really had to focus but was eventually able to fall back to sleep (like, a real sound sleep). I did have some scary dreams though which I HATE because when I'm having anxiety, I feel like my only relief is when I'm asleep. So, when I start feeling scared in my dreams too it's no bueno.

I'm having a hard time eating again. My appetite is usually one of the first things to go when I'm having anxiety. I just become completely uninterested in food and end up forcing my self to eat so I don't starve. Plus, I know that not taking care of my body will only make my anxiety worse. AND, if I don't eat enough I won't be able to work out at the gym which is a MUST!

I did buy a new homeopathic anxiety relief thing today to try out. It's from Liddell Laboratories and it's called Anx - Anxiety+Tension. It's a spray and I've use it once and feel a little better. We'll see if it really helps in the long run.

I have to say that this "episode" isn't nearly as bad as the last one. I think that since I had been like 6 years anxiety before the last time, it really scared the crap out of me and I had completely forgotten what to do. This time it has only been about a year so I'm a little more familiar with how to cope. It's actually a bummer because just last week, someone broke into my car and stole my iPod which had the entire the program program on it. It was a lot more convenient for me to listen to the sessions that way.

Anyhow, I hope all of you out there are hanging in there. Big *hugs*!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Feb 22, 2010 8:42 am

Ugh, I'm already starting to lose a lot of weight. I had been being dilligent about what I ate and was exercising a lot before this all happened again on Saturday but now I'm having a hard time eating and the weight is coming off quickly. I know I wanted to lose weight but this is NOT how I wanted it to happen.

I guess I was hoping it would just go away this time but it's not. It's definitely not as bad as the last time though which I am incredibly thankful for.

I think the biggest issue is the sleeping thing. I wake up too early and can't go back to sleep and since I just refuse to get up when it's still dark, I just lie there trying to breathe and meditate myself back to sleep which, as you all know, doesn't usually work and doesn't end up being a great start to your day. By the night time I'm okay but now I'm afraid to go anywhere to spend the night for fear that I'll wake up early and lie there trying to fight off the negative feelings. Ugh.

I'm really considering increasing my dosage again but I don't want to feel the need to do that every time I have an episode. Today I'm back at work and it's a nice distraction. I'm hoping maybe I can ride this out and go back to normal on my own. I made a call to my counselor so hopefully I'll get back in to see him this week.

Note to self: Smile at yourself in the mirror often. Put rubber band back on wrist to remember to think positively.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Feb 23, 2010 8:15 am

Woke up too early again this morning but didn't feel all that anxious just lying there. I think I was even able to go back to sleep for a bit. When I actually had to get out of bed I did feel a little anxious though...maybe a 3 out of 10. Not great but better than yesterday.

I went to see my doctor this morning to talk to her about my meds. She said I could up my dose of Celexa from 50mg/day to 60mg/day and see if that helps. She also suggested that I try using a shorter acting med like Valium until this passes but since my anxiety is the worst in the morning I don't like taking Valium because it makes me so tired all day.

I'm really getting sick of this anxiety crap. I so envy those who have never experienced what we go through. It's such a horrible feeling.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Feb 23, 2010 8:47 am

I know exactly what you mean. The good days are almost painful because they throw the bad ones in such stark contrast. It's very hard.. and I, too, find myself looking at others and feeling like I am trapped in some kind of cage. They get the "normal" and here I am stuck with this crap. Just day to day living can be a struggle. Wow, can you tell I'm having a bit of a bad day, too?? lol

However, I know that it ALWAYS passes... and passes that much more quickly the less attention I give it. I KNOW it's all a damn lie.. from the "Oh, no this is just going to get worse' to the 'OMG, its my heart" So, as hard as it is, I just keep fighting the fight and living life DESPITE feeling like hell.

We are not alone in this and I find that to be a huge comfort.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Feb 23, 2010 9:44 am

I'm having an awful day myself. My anxiety is AWFUL. I am in charge of coordinating a HUGE class at work and for two days I have to make sure everyone is fed and taken care of when I don't even feel like eating myself. And I keep having "mini episodes". I can't sit still, yet I am exhausted and can't even see straight.

But, for me, too, this is not THE worst I've been. I've been able to go to work this time most of the time, unlike the past. And I don't know what I would do without my Nano; I constantly listen to meditation, relaxation or whatever on it and I think even subliminally, it's working. Or I download TV shows and listen to them (only OCCASSIONALLY watching the video screen while at work...I swear!LOLOL). Anyway, anything to distract me. Music doesn't help, though.

Of course, today I am convinced I am dying some horrid disease. I, too, envy ANYONE who has never ever experienced one single panic attack in their life. It's like crystal meth: as soon as you have one, you can't stop. It sucks!

Not that I've ever done crystal meth; I don't even like asprin, but I mean it figuratively!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Feb 23, 2010 10:14 am

Originally posted by Keeping the Faith:
I don't know what I would do without my Nano; I constantly listen to meditation, relaxation or whatever on it and I think even subliminally, it's working.

When I had anxiety before and I ordered Lucinda's program, I put all the sessions on my iPod and would listen to them constantly...everywhere I was. 2 weeks ago someone broke into my car and stole my iPod. Now I'm having anxiety again and I don't have my sessions to listen to all the time!!!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Feb 23, 2010 11:31 am

Oh, that stinks re: your Ipod! However, don't you have the original CDs which you uploaded into your Ipod? Also, they should still be in Itunes on your computer.