Why can't I stop torturing myself?
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- Posts: 1
- Joined: Thu Jan 28, 2010 1:43 pm
I'm constantly thinking about what is happening inside my body. I've been to the E.R. 3 times because of chest pains.. All three times they have said I'm fine. I had a ct scan and wore a heart monitor for 24 hours and that came back normal yet everytime I have a pain in my chest I think something's wrong with my heart and my pulse shoots up, my jaw tenses, my arm starts to ache and then I convince myself.. this is it. After it goes away I will go on the internet and start searching for other possibilites. Last night I thought I had an aortic dissection because I had all the symptoms. The night before that a stomach tumor becuase I can see my pulse around my belly button, etc.. Recently I noticed when these chest pains occur, it's after I've eaten or I have a lot of gas. Now I panic after I eat thinking I'm going to have an attack. I have pain all over my body so that's always on my mind but again Doctors can't find anything wrong with me. This is all very new to me, within the last 6 months. Before that I'd never had any anxiety. I'm on my 7th day of paxil.
I'm very scared. VERY scared. It's so hard for me to believe this is anxiety and not some mystery medical issue. I'm affraid to be alone but affraid to leave the house because of this. I'm always worried and it has made me miss work, miss outings, I make excuses so I don't have to go far distances. Please if you have a similiar story, please share I'm affraid I'm alone in this! Ya know even if something IS wrong with me physically I just want to STOP worrying about it all the time!!! I'm so frustrated..
I'm very scared. VERY scared. It's so hard for me to believe this is anxiety and not some mystery medical issue. I'm affraid to be alone but affraid to leave the house because of this. I'm always worried and it has made me miss work, miss outings, I make excuses so I don't have to go far distances. Please if you have a similiar story, please share I'm affraid I'm alone in this! Ya know even if something IS wrong with me physically I just want to STOP worrying about it all the time!!! I'm so frustrated..
Hey Nicollete_leo,
I don't know the answer to your question "why can't I stop torturing myself". I ask myself the same question all the time! But here we are doing it to ourselves. I hope my words give you a measure of relief and rest, because there is so much rest for us... and you don't deserve to suffer this way.
Everything you mention sounds like symptoms of anxiety and obsessive negative scary thinking. I could have written your post word for word. Have you ordered StressCenter program yet? The skills partcularly in session 2 will help you learn to recognize and head off the panic and the rest of the program gives you life skills and tools including how to deal with obsessive scary thoughts, for example about your health. In the meantime, I want to just break down some of your specific concerns. Of course I don't know your health status or age, so I'm just going to offer some alternative possibilities.
Since you have been to the E.R. 3 times for chest pains, had a CT scan, and wore the heart monitor, and they said you're fine, then you pronably are fine.
You mention being able to see your pulse around your belly button and worrying about this being stomach cancer or an aortic dissection. I can see and feel this pulse too, as a slender person. This is the abdominal aorta, healthy and strong. I've found that lying down and placing my hand on my belly where this pulse is located, covering my eyes with a soft dark cloth, and focusing on that pulse and my breath to be incredibly soothing, like listening to an internal rhythm. With a few minutes time, I can feel myself relaxing and that pulse slowing a little. Sometimes I add a visualization of waves ebbing and flowing.
You also mention that when your chest pains occur, it's after eating or if you have gas. If you want to ease your mind, you can go to a GI specialist and get checked for reflux or Barret's. There is a long thread on this board about chest pain and gas. I am not sure how to post a link to it, but there is a LOT of good info and perspective there. Of course you are panicking after you eat! Somehow you're leaping from eating to dying.
You mention this is all very new to you. Again I don't know your age, but the average age onset of anxiety is 31. It doesn't mean you have a terrible disease, you're just mentally processing in a way that terrifies you.
It's not easy or obvious or natural, but you really can choose differently. Yes it is a choice! You choose to get on the internet and search for a crisis catastrophe that you have. Something you can use to further frighten yourself. Why do we do this? I don't know. Do we have to? No. We CAN choose and live differently, a little at a time. But it takes tools, an expert set of instructions, lots of tlc and support which you can find here. Good luck! Hugs to you.
I don't know the answer to your question "why can't I stop torturing myself". I ask myself the same question all the time! But here we are doing it to ourselves. I hope my words give you a measure of relief and rest, because there is so much rest for us... and you don't deserve to suffer this way.
Everything you mention sounds like symptoms of anxiety and obsessive negative scary thinking. I could have written your post word for word. Have you ordered StressCenter program yet? The skills partcularly in session 2 will help you learn to recognize and head off the panic and the rest of the program gives you life skills and tools including how to deal with obsessive scary thoughts, for example about your health. In the meantime, I want to just break down some of your specific concerns. Of course I don't know your health status or age, so I'm just going to offer some alternative possibilities.
Since you have been to the E.R. 3 times for chest pains, had a CT scan, and wore the heart monitor, and they said you're fine, then you pronably are fine.
You mention being able to see your pulse around your belly button and worrying about this being stomach cancer or an aortic dissection. I can see and feel this pulse too, as a slender person. This is the abdominal aorta, healthy and strong. I've found that lying down and placing my hand on my belly where this pulse is located, covering my eyes with a soft dark cloth, and focusing on that pulse and my breath to be incredibly soothing, like listening to an internal rhythm. With a few minutes time, I can feel myself relaxing and that pulse slowing a little. Sometimes I add a visualization of waves ebbing and flowing.
You also mention that when your chest pains occur, it's after eating or if you have gas. If you want to ease your mind, you can go to a GI specialist and get checked for reflux or Barret's. There is a long thread on this board about chest pain and gas. I am not sure how to post a link to it, but there is a LOT of good info and perspective there. Of course you are panicking after you eat! Somehow you're leaping from eating to dying.
You mention this is all very new to you. Again I don't know your age, but the average age onset of anxiety is 31. It doesn't mean you have a terrible disease, you're just mentally processing in a way that terrifies you.
It's not easy or obvious or natural, but you really can choose differently. Yes it is a choice! You choose to get on the internet and search for a crisis catastrophe that you have. Something you can use to further frighten yourself. Why do we do this? I don't know. Do we have to? No. We CAN choose and live differently, a little at a time. But it takes tools, an expert set of instructions, lots of tlc and support which you can find here. Good luck! Hugs to you.
Nicole, In the absence of other information, you are classic case of hypochondria, which I am too. Hypochondria is a particular type of OCD so perhaps attacking the problem from that perspective might help you. This problem began as a young child for me. When I was very young, I used illness as a way to get attention and love (as I defined it), and avoid school, which terrified me. I think that experience, plus a genetic propensity for anxiety, combined into for this hypochondria.
Part of solving any problem is recognizing it. Ask yourself, how did you get here? Are you using your fear of illness to satisfy a need, as perverse as that sounds? I know I do...obsessiving over my every ache, pain, lump, and bump keeps me from focusing on the things that bother me...my relationships, my finances, and my future. The farther I get behind in solving the real problems in my life, the worse my hypochondria gets, i.e. that perverse need is satisfied.
The solution? The easy answer is solve the real problems in your life. How, is the hard part: when you find yourself ramping up on a health fear, stop, take a deep breath, acknowledge you're distracting yourself from something you need to deal with. Write about it, or talk to a trusted friend. Pinpoint the (real) problem...brainstorm ways to deal with it...do something proactive...and then, see how the health fear was really just a distraction. I know, I make it sound easy...trust me, it's not. I struggle with this everyday too!
Part of solving any problem is recognizing it. Ask yourself, how did you get here? Are you using your fear of illness to satisfy a need, as perverse as that sounds? I know I do...obsessiving over my every ache, pain, lump, and bump keeps me from focusing on the things that bother me...my relationships, my finances, and my future. The farther I get behind in solving the real problems in my life, the worse my hypochondria gets, i.e. that perverse need is satisfied.
The solution? The easy answer is solve the real problems in your life. How, is the hard part: when you find yourself ramping up on a health fear, stop, take a deep breath, acknowledge you're distracting yourself from something you need to deal with. Write about it, or talk to a trusted friend. Pinpoint the (real) problem...brainstorm ways to deal with it...do something proactive...and then, see how the health fear was really just a distraction. I know, I make it sound easy...trust me, it's not. I struggle with this everyday too!
Thank you very much for your input! I have not ordered the program yet but am very curious and debating. It seems like it is helping people.
I am 27, 5'4" 107lbs. I wonder at times if it has to do with my Mother. She is very ill and has been for YEARS. She has a list of medical conditions that goes on and on. I'm always worrying about her and think maybe I've started to believe since she's sick I'm going to be too. Anyway.. Thank you so much, I appreciate it!
I am 27, 5'4" 107lbs. I wonder at times if it has to do with my Mother. She is very ill and has been for YEARS. She has a list of medical conditions that goes on and on. I'm always worrying about her and think maybe I've started to believe since she's sick I'm going to be too. Anyway.. Thank you so much, I appreciate it!
Tweaky ya know I've had a couple doctors say that dread word "hypochondriac" and used to get so offended! These days though I'm starting to think, huh maybe I'm wrong and they're right. It's very difficult for me to admit that I could be a hypochondriac. HOWEVER I started thinking just the other day, I'd rather be a hypochondriac than actually have all these medical conditions I think I have. I will use your advice and try to scope otu the real problems. I may need to seek outside help as well cause this whole thing might be a lot bigger than me. Which is another hard thing to admit. Wow our brains are powerful aren't they? Thank you very much Tweaky.
BTW I thought it was funny you brought up the thing about using it to avoid school because as a child I was always going to see the school nurse to try to get her to call my Mom to come pick me up. My Mom finally told them to let me sit on the bench in the hall until I decide to go back to class. I missed a lot of school playing sick.
BTW I thought it was funny you brought up the thing about using it to avoid school because as a child I was always going to see the school nurse to try to get her to call my Mom to come pick me up. My Mom finally told them to let me sit on the bench in the hall until I decide to go back to class. I missed a lot of school playing sick.
My mother had a laundry list of (unverifiable) illness's too, as did my grandmother (who we lived with). You brought up a very good point... that we learned from their behavior, and saw how illness brought attention, compassion, "love", and got us out of uncomfortable experiences. It's hard to know what percentage genetics versus learned behavior played in the process to get here.
Either way, we are here, so it's either accept this fate or deal with it. I will tell you, it's not easy. These behaviors are set early, and going against them are very uncomfortable, and we've already established that we'll go to any length to avoid the "uncomfortable". So how to stop?
First, you're in the right place. I bought the progam in 07, and felt great relief while and after doing it. I'm in a bit of a "relapse" right now, so I'm back. That happens. Again, this has become part of your nature, as it's mine. You said you're 27...it took you 27 years to get here...it won't take 27 years to get out, but it will take time. If you're unsure of the program (and cost), read Lucinda's book "From Panic to Power...". It's only about $15, and is basically this program "lite". I read it first, saw myself in Lucinda's description of herself and life, and decided I had nothing to lose by trying it. Sure it cost alot of money, but at that point I didn't see another option. I'd tried meds, self-help, and psychiatry and they got me some relief but I was always left not quite "there" yet. Honestly, I'm still not quite there yet, but I'm closer now than I've ever been. The nice thing about the program is you'll always have it. At 27, you've got a long life ahead and there will be stress and anxiety, so having a "backup" isn't such a bad idea.
Either way, we are here, so it's either accept this fate or deal with it. I will tell you, it's not easy. These behaviors are set early, and going against them are very uncomfortable, and we've already established that we'll go to any length to avoid the "uncomfortable". So how to stop?
First, you're in the right place. I bought the progam in 07, and felt great relief while and after doing it. I'm in a bit of a "relapse" right now, so I'm back. That happens. Again, this has become part of your nature, as it's mine. You said you're 27...it took you 27 years to get here...it won't take 27 years to get out, but it will take time. If you're unsure of the program (and cost), read Lucinda's book "From Panic to Power...". It's only about $15, and is basically this program "lite". I read it first, saw myself in Lucinda's description of herself and life, and decided I had nothing to lose by trying it. Sure it cost alot of money, but at that point I didn't see another option. I'd tried meds, self-help, and psychiatry and they got me some relief but I was always left not quite "there" yet. Honestly, I'm still not quite there yet, but I'm closer now than I've ever been. The nice thing about the program is you'll always have it. At 27, you've got a long life ahead and there will be stress and anxiety, so having a "backup" isn't such a bad idea.
Hi,
I didn't read everything and just skimmed so I may be redundant or may not understand everything, but I wanted to make some quick comments. Oh, I know I don't make sense, but I've just read a little and someone probably already gave you the same advice I can see from your final response. I had already typed most of it, when I noticed it at the end so I'll go ahead post:).
I "used" to be a hypochondriac, so I can assure you there is hope. It is offensive in a way for the medical establishment just to dismiss someone as a hypochondriac for several reasons in my opinion. First of all, what I found for myself at the height of my hypochondriasis is that 1. It creates a sense of helplessness to label someone with that disorder. If you have this disorder that you didn't create that causes you to worry about your health then how can you get relief? It can end up being a negative parental relationship with the medical establishment. You have excessive worry, and rush to the doctor for help, and they then wag their finger at you and shame you for acting like a child because of your hypochondriasis. 2. Something was really wrong with me-not physically, but emotionally. Often during times of great emotional and psychological stress our focus shifts to our health. It can be a distraction from facing stress, emotional, and relational problems that we do not yet have the coping skills to face. Torturing ourselves with health concerns doesn't seem like a great answer, but acknowledging the psychological turmoil is really harder for us. I'll give you an example regarding my son who has severe autism. Most of the time with hypochondriasis, nothing physical is wrong, but emotionally. Autism is a disorder that is not detected at birth, and often not diagnosed until the age of three. After my son was born, I obsessed over his health, and my thinking went to bizarre places. Deep down, part of me wanted to be told I was "crazy" because the truth of the matter is that facing the reality of my son having a disorder that impacted his intellect would be worse than something physical. In my family of origin being "stupid" which is a harsh term that I don't use but was used in my family, was worse than death. I hope that comes across right, but I was taught to be ashamed of disorders that effected the intellect, and my son was exhibiting symptoms from his autism that impacted his intellect. That's an extreme case and example, and complicated, but I am just trying to show that usually hypochondriasis has a real cause, and it's often a painful psychological coping mechanism to avoid greater psychological pain. It has nothing to do with being "crazy".
3. There can be physical causes for hypochondriasis, which are often not unusual bizarre disorders. For example, adrenaline produced by anxiety causes weird and real symptoms that aren't life threatening, but often uncomfortable and especially initially you need to have them checked to rule out other physical causes. Anxiety causes chest pains, heart palpitations, tingling in the extremities, depersonalization, etc. These are all uncomfortable symptoms that need to be checked out at first, and after that, if you learn the source is anxiety, it is difficult not to react to them with more anxiety and adrenaline unless you have the coping skills that are taught by this program, counseling, medications for some, etc. In addition, female hormones can without a doubt cause weird symptoms that make us vulnerable to having hypochondriasis. 4. It's interesting that you ask why you are torturing yourself, because that can often be a key. Often people with anxiety don't love and respect themselves and punish themselves in all kinds of ways. Often people with anxiety don't feel they are worthy of being alive, and healthy, and so they can waste that time of good health worrying about what is to come. Acknowledging that is the first step, but it's not enough. For me,one of the main keys was having a better and loving spiritual relationship with God as a source of unconditional love that frees me from shame and gives me a sense of value and purpose. That helps me tremendously and took years of growth with steps forward and steps back, but hypochondriasis is no longer my problem in life:) 5. Sometimes facing the reasons for hyponchriasis that are caused by emotional issues are controversial. For example, let's just say we have a job that we hate because we don't have the confidence in our relationships with authority figures and co workers so we start obsessing over our health as an "excuse" to get out of it. Or maybe the place of employment is toxic, and we don't have good psychological boundaries or even the economic freedom to find another position. Hypochondriasis may be our way to deal with that. Or being at sick in bed can remind us of the time when mom took care of us the best, and we were loved not for our performance but just for who we were...sometimes I had that. All of these are controversial possibilities, and we have to be careful not to beat ourselves up if we find out that it is something like that. Acknowledging the ugly truth does not mean we aren't worthy of love, and not shaming ourselves for that behavior is the best way to face it and deal with it. 6. Some people with hypochondriasis don't trust their judgment. Maybe they have been abused by family members throughout childhood, and when they tried to speak out about their abuse or witnessed abuse they were told they were crazy and couldn't trust their perception. I know that was me. So, some of my hypochondriasis was fueled by not trusting my judgment to know when something was really wrong and to feel confident that I could handle it if something was really wrong. I needed these doctors and nurses to give me constant assurance that I was O.K., etc.
So, my point for listing all of these possibilities is just to show you that it isn't as simple as you just have hypochondriasis you bad little girl, and that it is caused by something real.
I see that you live in Birmingham, Alabama:). It's a place of great medical facilities so when you have gotten checked out, you've gotten check out by the best:). In addition, there should be good therapists in the area that can help you get to the bottom of this with all of the mental health resources there. This program definitely helps with this, but I did order mine as used off of ebay many years ago so I recommend that to cut down on costs. In addition, I know that you could have a bad experience with someone in Birmingham, but I know that there are also good doctors and psychologists there compared to at least the rest of Alabama:).
Take care,
luvpiggy
I didn't read everything and just skimmed so I may be redundant or may not understand everything, but I wanted to make some quick comments. Oh, I know I don't make sense, but I've just read a little and someone probably already gave you the same advice I can see from your final response. I had already typed most of it, when I noticed it at the end so I'll go ahead post:).
I "used" to be a hypochondriac, so I can assure you there is hope. It is offensive in a way for the medical establishment just to dismiss someone as a hypochondriac for several reasons in my opinion. First of all, what I found for myself at the height of my hypochondriasis is that 1. It creates a sense of helplessness to label someone with that disorder. If you have this disorder that you didn't create that causes you to worry about your health then how can you get relief? It can end up being a negative parental relationship with the medical establishment. You have excessive worry, and rush to the doctor for help, and they then wag their finger at you and shame you for acting like a child because of your hypochondriasis. 2. Something was really wrong with me-not physically, but emotionally. Often during times of great emotional and psychological stress our focus shifts to our health. It can be a distraction from facing stress, emotional, and relational problems that we do not yet have the coping skills to face. Torturing ourselves with health concerns doesn't seem like a great answer, but acknowledging the psychological turmoil is really harder for us. I'll give you an example regarding my son who has severe autism. Most of the time with hypochondriasis, nothing physical is wrong, but emotionally. Autism is a disorder that is not detected at birth, and often not diagnosed until the age of three. After my son was born, I obsessed over his health, and my thinking went to bizarre places. Deep down, part of me wanted to be told I was "crazy" because the truth of the matter is that facing the reality of my son having a disorder that impacted his intellect would be worse than something physical. In my family of origin being "stupid" which is a harsh term that I don't use but was used in my family, was worse than death. I hope that comes across right, but I was taught to be ashamed of disorders that effected the intellect, and my son was exhibiting symptoms from his autism that impacted his intellect. That's an extreme case and example, and complicated, but I am just trying to show that usually hypochondriasis has a real cause, and it's often a painful psychological coping mechanism to avoid greater psychological pain. It has nothing to do with being "crazy".
3. There can be physical causes for hypochondriasis, which are often not unusual bizarre disorders. For example, adrenaline produced by anxiety causes weird and real symptoms that aren't life threatening, but often uncomfortable and especially initially you need to have them checked to rule out other physical causes. Anxiety causes chest pains, heart palpitations, tingling in the extremities, depersonalization, etc. These are all uncomfortable symptoms that need to be checked out at first, and after that, if you learn the source is anxiety, it is difficult not to react to them with more anxiety and adrenaline unless you have the coping skills that are taught by this program, counseling, medications for some, etc. In addition, female hormones can without a doubt cause weird symptoms that make us vulnerable to having hypochondriasis. 4. It's interesting that you ask why you are torturing yourself, because that can often be a key. Often people with anxiety don't love and respect themselves and punish themselves in all kinds of ways. Often people with anxiety don't feel they are worthy of being alive, and healthy, and so they can waste that time of good health worrying about what is to come. Acknowledging that is the first step, but it's not enough. For me,one of the main keys was having a better and loving spiritual relationship with God as a source of unconditional love that frees me from shame and gives me a sense of value and purpose. That helps me tremendously and took years of growth with steps forward and steps back, but hypochondriasis is no longer my problem in life:) 5. Sometimes facing the reasons for hyponchriasis that are caused by emotional issues are controversial. For example, let's just say we have a job that we hate because we don't have the confidence in our relationships with authority figures and co workers so we start obsessing over our health as an "excuse" to get out of it. Or maybe the place of employment is toxic, and we don't have good psychological boundaries or even the economic freedom to find another position. Hypochondriasis may be our way to deal with that. Or being at sick in bed can remind us of the time when mom took care of us the best, and we were loved not for our performance but just for who we were...sometimes I had that. All of these are controversial possibilities, and we have to be careful not to beat ourselves up if we find out that it is something like that. Acknowledging the ugly truth does not mean we aren't worthy of love, and not shaming ourselves for that behavior is the best way to face it and deal with it. 6. Some people with hypochondriasis don't trust their judgment. Maybe they have been abused by family members throughout childhood, and when they tried to speak out about their abuse or witnessed abuse they were told they were crazy and couldn't trust their perception. I know that was me. So, some of my hypochondriasis was fueled by not trusting my judgment to know when something was really wrong and to feel confident that I could handle it if something was really wrong. I needed these doctors and nurses to give me constant assurance that I was O.K., etc.
So, my point for listing all of these possibilities is just to show you that it isn't as simple as you just have hypochondriasis you bad little girl, and that it is caused by something real.
I see that you live in Birmingham, Alabama:). It's a place of great medical facilities so when you have gotten checked out, you've gotten check out by the best:). In addition, there should be good therapists in the area that can help you get to the bottom of this with all of the mental health resources there. This program definitely helps with this, but I did order mine as used off of ebay many years ago so I recommend that to cut down on costs. In addition, I know that you could have a bad experience with someone in Birmingham, but I know that there are also good doctors and psychologists there compared to at least the rest of Alabama:).
Take care,
luvpiggy
Oh, I just wanted to add that when I had severe hypochondriasis one of my counselors helped me by saying, "We're going to get you checked, but we are going to do it responsibly." That meant that if I had a symptom, I made a scheduled appointment with a doctor instead of rushing to the ER. Also, in the beginning, it was O.K. for me to go to the ER, but just sit in the parking lot instead of always rushing in. That was not a long term goal, but sometimes just knowing that you can go to the ER and you will be safe sitting in the parking lot and can go in if it gets worse, etc., can be a stepping stone to get you out of automatically rushing into the ER, etc.
Thank you, a lot of what you said really hit home for me. It's difficult for me to admit that I have this, it means that everyone else has been right and I am wrong. I feel like I have to put my tail between my legs now and appologize to the people I yelled at for telling me it was all in my head.
Thanks for the ebay tip. I'm going to get the book first. I'll really have to commit myself to this if I purchase the program, I have a tendency to start out strong but fizzle out quick.
Again thank you so much for your advice and personal examples. I'm starting to see things a little more clearly with everyone's input. I definitely will not be able to do this on my own though as I thought I might be able to.. I see a long rough road ahead of me. But you have all have eased my worry greatly!
Thanks for the ebay tip. I'm going to get the book first. I'll really have to commit myself to this if I purchase the program, I have a tendency to start out strong but fizzle out quick.
Again thank you so much for your advice and personal examples. I'm starting to see things a little more clearly with everyone's input. I definitely will not be able to do this on my own though as I thought I might be able to.. I see a long rough road ahead of me. But you have all have eased my worry greatly!