Mom making all of the plans
I find my mom has been making plans lately without really asking me first. A few weeks back we were suppose to go see a jazz group play, which I had told her I was interested in seeing but then I guess the show got cancelled and so she purchased tickets for something completely different which i wouldn't have agreed to go to if she had asked first. Plus I was paying for these tickets. Now she just called and said she signed us up to go curling when a friend of hers is in town. I don't think I even want to go curling. She doesn't really ask. It's more like "dinner is on the 8th, okay? okay?" I guess this comes with being more assertive and I'm kind of struggling with it. I want to have more say and I rather that she ask me instead of telling me. I'm 26 years old and live on my own. It's not like I'm a kid living at home. Does anyone else have this problem with their parents? I feel like I'm letting her down by saying no.
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Guest
That is one of the issues we have with anxiety, not letting people down and trying to please people.
If you don't get assertive and state what you want or don't want to do it will never end.
I had to do this with my in-laws, I used to go along with everything that the BIL planned, out of obligation and not wanting to "rock the boat" but then I noticed that if we ever invited him to something he would always make a choice, he'd never just go along, sometimes he'd even manipulate the time.
I used to not want my DH to get upset so I'd go along with it, but one of the issues was that my DH is a people pleaser and he was the one who'd do it because it's in his nature.
Now it's gotten to the point where my DH will ask me and understand if I don't want to or can't. I am in control not my BIL or my DH.
If you don't tell your mother that you can't or simply don't feel like it, you'll never get out of it in the future. You have to understand that she needs to learn that it's not a rejection of "her" it's just a rejection of the plans itself. And it's HER problem if she takes it personally, you aren't making her feel any way that she is feeling on her own.
And don't feel like you have to make up an excuse. After a few times, she will start asking YOU if you want to do something before she makes plans, because as it stands now you've actually trained her to be like this, as hard as it seems! She knows that if she makes plans, you'll always go along, once you tell her "no, I can't make it" or "no, I don't really feel like listening to that band" a few times she'll completely get the point and it won't be so difficult.
If you don't get assertive and state what you want or don't want to do it will never end.
I had to do this with my in-laws, I used to go along with everything that the BIL planned, out of obligation and not wanting to "rock the boat" but then I noticed that if we ever invited him to something he would always make a choice, he'd never just go along, sometimes he'd even manipulate the time.
I used to not want my DH to get upset so I'd go along with it, but one of the issues was that my DH is a people pleaser and he was the one who'd do it because it's in his nature.
Now it's gotten to the point where my DH will ask me and understand if I don't want to or can't. I am in control not my BIL or my DH.
If you don't tell your mother that you can't or simply don't feel like it, you'll never get out of it in the future. You have to understand that she needs to learn that it's not a rejection of "her" it's just a rejection of the plans itself. And it's HER problem if she takes it personally, you aren't making her feel any way that she is feeling on her own.
And don't feel like you have to make up an excuse. After a few times, she will start asking YOU if you want to do something before she makes plans, because as it stands now you've actually trained her to be like this, as hard as it seems! She knows that if she makes plans, you'll always go along, once you tell her "no, I can't make it" or "no, I don't really feel like listening to that band" a few times she'll completely get the point and it won't be so difficult.
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Guest
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Guest
Just wanted to say, I DID IT! My mom called late last night to invite us out tonight to my grandparents 62nd anniversary. While that was very nice and I would have love to have gone, it was SUPER short notice and my boyfriend and I had already planned our anniversary plans for tonight. When I told her this, she said we could just celebrate our anniversary with the rest of the family, ah,no, I don't think so. So I politely told her we already had these plans and while we would love to come, it wasn't going to work. She seemed miffed but I guess I can't control that and I feel like I did the right thing.
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Guest
GOOD FOR YOU!
Don't you hate that, I do!
When people do that last minute crap, and call you and expect you to drop everything, even if you planned to stay home and kick back! And you know that if you called them they'd be busy!
Oh, and then they try to manipulate *your* plans so that you are obligated to do what they want you to do? I've had that happen so many times myself - even made a laborious dinner and was told that I could just put my dinner in the refrigerator, drop everything, and go out with them. I don't think so!!!
I'm so proud of you!
Don't you hate that, I do!
When people do that last minute crap, and call you and expect you to drop everything, even if you planned to stay home and kick back! And you know that if you called them they'd be busy!
Oh, and then they try to manipulate *your* plans so that you are obligated to do what they want you to do? I've had that happen so many times myself - even made a laborious dinner and was told that I could just put my dinner in the refrigerator, drop everything, and go out with them. I don't think so!!!
I'm so proud of you!
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Guest
Thanks Shif! I'm starting to see when it's appropriate to say no, rather than just saying no to say no. But I really felt this was one of those times. And you're right, people love to manipulate to get their way. You really have to stick to your guns, as difficult as that is. I can't imagine expecting someone to drop a whole big dinner for me and my plans. I'm know this will get easier as time goes on and I reteach my family and friends how to treat me.
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Guest
Oooohhh! Assertiveness is SO hard for me especially with family and significant other.
I did not realize this until I read your thread, but my boyfriend has been manipulating me. Sudnay night: I was really tired, ready to get things in order for the work week, not feeling well, so I told him thank you for coming over and spending the day with me I'll see you soonm hugged and kissed him. Well just stood there limp and pouted. I asked him what was wrong and he said "you are throwing me out after I made lunch for you". I felt really guilty so I asked him to stay over, I didn't get anything ready, and I ended up staying up really late with him, had a terrible night's sleep, was exhausted at work, and now my sinus infection is worse. He is happy as a clam. I feel awful. And he just invited himself over again tonight; I have been home 5 minutes. Tomorrow I have even more things to do.
Whose fault is this? Ultimately, mine. Because I did not stick to my guns. Of course he took advantage of me to get what he wanted. But I did not stand up for myself. We are works in progress! This guy might not be in my long terms plans. I told him he could not come over tonight.
I did not realize this until I read your thread, but my boyfriend has been manipulating me. Sudnay night: I was really tired, ready to get things in order for the work week, not feeling well, so I told him thank you for coming over and spending the day with me I'll see you soonm hugged and kissed him. Well just stood there limp and pouted. I asked him what was wrong and he said "you are throwing me out after I made lunch for you". I felt really guilty so I asked him to stay over, I didn't get anything ready, and I ended up staying up really late with him, had a terrible night's sleep, was exhausted at work, and now my sinus infection is worse. He is happy as a clam. I feel awful. And he just invited himself over again tonight; I have been home 5 minutes. Tomorrow I have even more things to do.
Whose fault is this? Ultimately, mine. Because I did not stick to my guns. Of course he took advantage of me to get what he wanted. But I did not stand up for myself. We are works in progress! This guy might not be in my long terms plans. I told him he could not come over tonight.
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Guest
Hi,
I think one thing that has helped me in setting boundaries is the advice from psychologists that "we set boundaries to protect ourselves and not to control others." When I first started setting boundaries, I thought it would make those around me "want" to treat me better, and sadly that wasn't the case in most instances. I still needed to protect myself from them despite their reactions. I had to learn that it didn't matter how they reacted because I was doing what I was doing to protect myself and not trying to control or manipulate them in return.
I don't know if that advice will apply to those on here, but it has helped me not get stuck, waiting for the other person to come around, and that advice let's me know that even if the person reacts negatively that I still did the right thing:).
Also, on this subject, there is a great Christian radio program called middayconnection.org that airs at noon even on the internet Monday through Friday. Right now, they are featuring a study every Wednesday with an author who wrote a book called "Fool Proofing Your Life". It is a Christian program, and the author gives knowledge and advice on how to deal with people who are what the Bible calls "fools." It has been so insightful. I just have so many family members who have mistreated me and been "fools". I didn't understand why my attempts to work things out with rational communication and boundaries didn't change them. This author shows how Jesus dealt with people who don't really want to work things out, but want it their way or the highway so to speak!:) The author says that with people who are acting "foolishly", you can not have a relationship with them because you can not trust them so you have an "arrangement" with them. This means you don't engage with them about your personal life any more than you would the teller at the bank, even if they are a family member if they are acting "foolish". I know it's hard to do, but it really has helped me to have that knowledge. Also, the show is archived under "Past Programs" if anyone wants to listen to the past two studies. The author reminds me of a "Tell it like it is Dr. Phil", but a female version. I really like her, and some of her other books have really helped me in the past during some hard times:).
Take care,
luvpiggy
I think one thing that has helped me in setting boundaries is the advice from psychologists that "we set boundaries to protect ourselves and not to control others." When I first started setting boundaries, I thought it would make those around me "want" to treat me better, and sadly that wasn't the case in most instances. I still needed to protect myself from them despite their reactions. I had to learn that it didn't matter how they reacted because I was doing what I was doing to protect myself and not trying to control or manipulate them in return.
I don't know if that advice will apply to those on here, but it has helped me not get stuck, waiting for the other person to come around, and that advice let's me know that even if the person reacts negatively that I still did the right thing:).
Also, on this subject, there is a great Christian radio program called middayconnection.org that airs at noon even on the internet Monday through Friday. Right now, they are featuring a study every Wednesday with an author who wrote a book called "Fool Proofing Your Life". It is a Christian program, and the author gives knowledge and advice on how to deal with people who are what the Bible calls "fools." It has been so insightful. I just have so many family members who have mistreated me and been "fools". I didn't understand why my attempts to work things out with rational communication and boundaries didn't change them. This author shows how Jesus dealt with people who don't really want to work things out, but want it their way or the highway so to speak!:) The author says that with people who are acting "foolishly", you can not have a relationship with them because you can not trust them so you have an "arrangement" with them. This means you don't engage with them about your personal life any more than you would the teller at the bank, even if they are a family member if they are acting "foolish". I know it's hard to do, but it really has helped me to have that knowledge. Also, the show is archived under "Past Programs" if anyone wants to listen to the past two studies. The author reminds me of a "Tell it like it is Dr. Phil", but a female version. I really like her, and some of her other books have really helped me in the past during some hard times:).
Take care,
luvpiggy
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Guest
Cuttingirl like you I did not realize that I was being taken advantage of, or I was letting things happen but getting frustrated and moody about my circumstances and taking my anger out on the person who I felt like was manipulating me.
It's so nice to be in control. And for the times I don't really have the option, like real family obligations I just try to change my frame of mind about it.
Luvpiggy it sounds like an interesting program.
It's so nice to be in control. And for the times I don't really have the option, like real family obligations I just try to change my frame of mind about it.
Luvpiggy it sounds like an interesting program.
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Guest
I didn't realize I was doing it either. My boyfriend pointed it out and I got very upset with him because I felt he was criticizing myfamily and because everything had always "worked" like this, I didn't think anything was wrong. But after thinking about it for a good long time on my own, I started to realize that I was doing everything that my parents asked because I never wanted to upset them or disappoint them.
Cuttingirl, you're right, I'm in that place now too where I feel like I can't control how they're going to react but at least I'm taking care of myself. I'm still there for them but I don't want to be manipulated or expected. As well, the situation with your boyfriend, I'm sad to say I use to be like that. if my boyfriend wanted a night to himself, I would take it personally, even though it had nothing to do with me. We've since re-established our relationship and I feel really good having my own time too. Sounds like you guys need some new boundaries.
Cuttingirl, you're right, I'm in that place now too where I feel like I can't control how they're going to react but at least I'm taking care of myself. I'm still there for them but I don't want to be manipulated or expected. As well, the situation with your boyfriend, I'm sad to say I use to be like that. if my boyfriend wanted a night to himself, I would take it personally, even though it had nothing to do with me. We've since re-established our relationship and I feel really good having my own time too. Sounds like you guys need some new boundaries.