Over the past couple of days (tough days) I have come to the realization that I�m afraid to let go of my pain, afraid to let go of my fear. Why? Because I fear being blindsided by disappointment, tragedy, failure and most of all fear itself. I KNOW I CHOOSE TO DO THIS TO MYSELF!!! I choose to fail myself, cause myself fear and pain and disappointment because I can control when and how it comes.
I did not consciously know I had a problem with Anxiety until I had my first panic attack 3 months ago. I knew I had anxiety but I was able to suppress it. Anxiety with work, marriage, responsibilities and future expectations lead me to my breakdown. My breakdown (panic attack) stirred up a bees nest of FEAR I didn�t even know I had. Now it's all I think about when I'm not trying to distract myself from myself. My search for answers on WHY I felt and still feel the way I do lead me to reading everything I could get my hands on about anxiety and in my sensitive state I read about all other issues like (bipolar, manic depression and schizophrenia). This only compounded my fears which has now brought me to the point where I obsess about becoming schizophrenic (Never even a thought 3 months ago). My therapist (which I just started seeing) said I have a better chance of getting struck by lightning then becoming schizophrenic (As I have no current symptoms or family history of the disease). That did not seems to ease my fears for whatever reason and now my �Anxiety Crutch� (Yes, I made that up) is that I will start to hear voices. Needless to say It�s pretty damn nerve racking to try to track down every noise I hear but when I get to obsessing about it that is what I find myself doing. I know it is my anxiety causing my to feel this way (Distracting my from the cause of my anxiety, the fear of losing contol) and now little background noises are a source for my anxiety. It�s a fucking messy little circle I�ve gotten myself into (excuse my English). I started taking St Johns Wort a few days ago and it seems to be helping me a little bit with feelings of extreme anxiety. I go a few hours now without feeling the anxiety grip. I feel my confidence growing only to have it smashed again just be hearing a sudden noise which then causes the �What if game� to begin, again. I then begin to convince myself that I�m being stupid and that I�m not gonna start hearing voices, yadda yadda yadda���. yadda. Because of this things that give me silent and idle time like uhhhh SLEEPING have become a real problem. I am convinced I should have become a boxer because I really know how to whup my own ass. I have a belt and everything��� Really. Well not really� But what if?
Anyway.
My question to all of you and to myself is, for those of you who have found help in Lucinda�s program, was it your gain in confidence that helped you the most on your road to recovery?
Oh, and anyone who has gone through what I am going through now PLEASE PLEASE share with me.
Scared to be hopeful,
Adam.
Afraid To Let Go
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Guest
Hey Adam,
I am going through what you are, maybe I am at the point of recovering a bit more, but I was where you were. Is there any major stress in your life that set this off, perhaps a major change or problem? That is what did it to me. And yes, Lucinda's program helps. You have to be patient and take things one step at a time and slowly and surely you will recover. Just let the future take care of itself, it will be much better than you expect, it was for me and I was on the verge of bankruptcy with a wife and two small kids...and I am still going and out of debt now. My problem is I can not give myself any credit. Two things that help me: "everything one step at a time" "Let's cross that bridge when we get there" It will get better. BTW, have you read the newsletters on this site? They are super.
I am going through what you are, maybe I am at the point of recovering a bit more, but I was where you were. Is there any major stress in your life that set this off, perhaps a major change or problem? That is what did it to me. And yes, Lucinda's program helps. You have to be patient and take things one step at a time and slowly and surely you will recover. Just let the future take care of itself, it will be much better than you expect, it was for me and I was on the verge of bankruptcy with a wife and two small kids...and I am still going and out of debt now. My problem is I can not give myself any credit. Two things that help me: "everything one step at a time" "Let's cross that bridge when we get there" It will get better. BTW, have you read the newsletters on this site? They are super.
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Guest
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Guest
Hi Adam,
I don't post much here anymore, but I have gone through the Stress Program, program. My primary problem has been depression for 27 years, but also mild to moderate anxiety which would be major if I had not taken anti-anxiety meds for all this time. I had very major panic attacks at age 18 and was on meds for a 1 and a half year period and worked off of them. But it was my thinking which was causing the problem and I didn't address that until age 51 when I got the program program.
I hope your therapist practices cognitive behavior therapy (CBT). If he/she does you are probably in good hands. I saw a psychologist about 5 months before getting the program program and she had me buy a book on CBT. I didn't have the money to keep going, but now I understand what she was doing and she was right on the money.
One thing that is common in anxiety and depression is that we are negative thinkers and are continually beating ourselves up. This destroys self-esteem and self-confidence. Stop thinking negatively and stop being hard on yourself and you pull out of the tail spin and start getting better. How do you do that? By changing thought patterns. All of this is covered in the program program.
I was on anti-anxiety meds for 23 years. After a couple of years working with the program program I gradually worked off of the meds and have been off of them now for about 13 months. My depression meds have been reduced about 61% over the same period as well. The program really works. There is hope for you. You can come out of this, but it will take work on your part. But, you can do it. Lucinda, the founder of StressCenter has written a book called "From panic to Power" you might consider as well as the program program. Claire Weeks has written several books on the subject also. Welcome to the forum.
I don't post much here anymore, but I have gone through the Stress Program, program. My primary problem has been depression for 27 years, but also mild to moderate anxiety which would be major if I had not taken anti-anxiety meds for all this time. I had very major panic attacks at age 18 and was on meds for a 1 and a half year period and worked off of them. But it was my thinking which was causing the problem and I didn't address that until age 51 when I got the program program.
I hope your therapist practices cognitive behavior therapy (CBT). If he/she does you are probably in good hands. I saw a psychologist about 5 months before getting the program program and she had me buy a book on CBT. I didn't have the money to keep going, but now I understand what she was doing and she was right on the money.
One thing that is common in anxiety and depression is that we are negative thinkers and are continually beating ourselves up. This destroys self-esteem and self-confidence. Stop thinking negatively and stop being hard on yourself and you pull out of the tail spin and start getting better. How do you do that? By changing thought patterns. All of this is covered in the program program.
I was on anti-anxiety meds for 23 years. After a couple of years working with the program program I gradually worked off of the meds and have been off of them now for about 13 months. My depression meds have been reduced about 61% over the same period as well. The program really works. There is hope for you. You can come out of this, but it will take work on your part. But, you can do it. Lucinda, the founder of StressCenter has written a book called "From panic to Power" you might consider as well as the program program. Claire Weeks has written several books on the subject also. Welcome to the forum.
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Guest
Hi, Adam. You remind me of myself and how I used to think. For me, this was a control issue.
I, too, was afraid to let go. I thought that by worrying about it, I could somehow control it. And the truth is, we cannot control whether or not we will get some disease. We can only take care of ourself bodies, minds, and spirits as best we can. For the stuff we cannot control, it's best to focus on living in the present moment and let worries about the future go.
CBT and the Attacking Anxiety program are excellents guides in how to get to that point. I also found that Claire Weekes' books and tapes were very helpful.
Don't give up! It took me a long time to really "get" this, but when I did, it really helped.
I, too, was afraid to let go. I thought that by worrying about it, I could somehow control it. And the truth is, we cannot control whether or not we will get some disease. We can only take care of ourself bodies, minds, and spirits as best we can. For the stuff we cannot control, it's best to focus on living in the present moment and let worries about the future go.
CBT and the Attacking Anxiety program are excellents guides in how to get to that point. I also found that Claire Weekes' books and tapes were very helpful.
Don't give up! It took me a long time to really "get" this, but when I did, it really helped.
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Guest
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Adam (and others like Adam) -
First, you're not going crazy and you're not going to start hearing voices. I've battled those fears for many years and while I still have doubts now and then, they don't scare me anymore. You're still new to all this and what you'll find is that over time, exposure to your fears and finding out that they never come true, helps to relieve you of them. In fact, that's one of the things you'll learn in the the program program.
Second, your desire to have control is normal, but it's only an illusion. By constantly worrying, you're only making things worse. One of my therapists a long time ago gave me this description: consider trying to control Jello. If it's sitting in your hand and you try to control it by squeezing your hand into a fist, the Jello just goes right between your fingers and goes wherever it wants. But if you just allow it to be there, sitting on your hand while you pay it no attention, then you're really in control.
The message here is that you can have control but that control is really in the form of letting go. Once you stop worrying, the fears will tend to subside. It sounds like you already know this but are afraid to take the first step. I know it sounds risky and downright frightening, but you'll be so much happier when you realize you don't have to watch you're every thought and move to feel "normal" again.
Lastly, I am have done the Program and it did help me a lot. I would say that most of the things I learned I already knew in one form or another, but the information was packaged in a much better way and structured so that it can be learned and absorbed that I really found it to be a great tool.
First, you're not going crazy and you're not going to start hearing voices. I've battled those fears for many years and while I still have doubts now and then, they don't scare me anymore. You're still new to all this and what you'll find is that over time, exposure to your fears and finding out that they never come true, helps to relieve you of them. In fact, that's one of the things you'll learn in the the program program.
Second, your desire to have control is normal, but it's only an illusion. By constantly worrying, you're only making things worse. One of my therapists a long time ago gave me this description: consider trying to control Jello. If it's sitting in your hand and you try to control it by squeezing your hand into a fist, the Jello just goes right between your fingers and goes wherever it wants. But if you just allow it to be there, sitting on your hand while you pay it no attention, then you're really in control.
The message here is that you can have control but that control is really in the form of letting go. Once you stop worrying, the fears will tend to subside. It sounds like you already know this but are afraid to take the first step. I know it sounds risky and downright frightening, but you'll be so much happier when you realize you don't have to watch you're every thought and move to feel "normal" again.
Lastly, I am have done the Program and it did help me a lot. I would say that most of the things I learned I already knew in one form or another, but the information was packaged in a much better way and structured so that it can be learned and absorbed that I really found it to be a great tool.
Last edited by SeaRunner on Sun Jan 17, 2010 8:15 am, edited 1 time in total.