Torn between negative thoughts and a husband that's ignoring me!

Makingchangesforme · Post by **Makingchangesforme** » Thu Oct 08, 2009 5:45 am

I just started session 3 yesterday. I have to say this is a huge challenge for me now. I can honestly say that if I literally wrote down every negative thought, I would be writing nonstop all day! I will say I'm struggling with how to replace those thoughts with something positive, that makes me feel good. I really have two different issues on hand, dealing with the anxiety and depression and then marital issues. I certainly have negative, self defeating thoughts about myself all the time, which as of recent I've discovered how much those have really impacted and taken a toll on my life and happiness....friendships, career, motivation...you name it. But the marital side is a whole other deal. Most of my negative thoughts are about my husband and how I'm disappointed, let down, feel unworthy etc in our marriage. We are coming up on our 1 year anniversary in 3 weeks! We had issues prior to marriage, went to counseling a few times, but then he would stop going and say it's a lot of money...and money is not a problem here. It shouldn't even come up. He in turn will tell me how the root our issues are due to my negative thinking about items that don't even exist. I have owned up to that, that yes I play a big part in how this has effected the marriage. But I've decided I'm going to do this and fix it. I don't want to live my life negatively anymore. I want my marriage to work, I love him very much and don't want to lose him. There is a reason why the 2 of us waited until we were in our upper 30's to marry for the first time. But what's really hurting me is that he is essentially placing all blame on me as to why we have issues. There are things that he does, or in some cases doesn't do that I find frustrating. But what is really frustrating is that our issues are not bad...nothing moral, no unfaithfulness, nothing religious and not even money problems. They truely are petty...and it's just very sad. Today is Thursday, he left the house Saturday and has been gone ever since. He's never left me before other than for a few hours. He won't communicate with me hardly at all, and when he does he has sooo much anger and bitterness towards me. Our arguments have gotten out of hand several times, with name calling, insults, threats of divorce. I now know the consequences of such actions....both of us do. My reaction to what I call his lack of wanting to deal with conflict is where things go haywire. He has a serious problem with running away from conflict, thus things between us that come up don't get resolved. I've started going to a therapist about 2 months ago who is working with me to get my personal issues on track, but I'm really lacking in having a husband who is willing to own up to taking charge of working on himself along with a marriage counselor. I just contacted a marriage counselor this morning that I'm going to see on my own and go from there. I'm really hoping that the changes I'm making on my own will be visible to my husband and thus prompt him to seek counseling too. He left yesterday for Vegas and returns tomorrow. He did call just before getting on the plane to check in. He wanted to see what I had going on and to see if I'm paying the bills!! So my negative thought went from he cares and that's why he called, to he only called to make sure I'm paying bills so his credit doesn't get a negative mark! Could be true or not the case at all, I really won't ever know...I can only chose which path to go. So with all this rambling here....I'm challenged about my negative thought journaling now and just how much of it involves thoughts of my husband...and I'm having difficulties writing positive things...the things I write that are supposed to be positive I'm feeling like I'm MAKING EXCUSES for his behavior instead....and that's not what I want to do. Any advice or insight???

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Oct 08, 2009 3:18 pm

Wow! You sound like you have a pretty good grasp of what needs to be worked on. I had a boyfriend who never wanted to talk about anything. If he was in a good mood, I was bringing him down. If he was in a bad mood, I was kicking him when he was down. I felt guilty for a long time until I realized he just didn't want to deal with things. Sometimes you can't even lead a horse to water...but if he's saying it's all you, WRONG! It's not usually one person in a relationship, and if it is, it's probably the one who's blaming. And if he's using excuses like lack of money when that isn't really a problem, he may be trying to sidestep the issue. And remember you can't control what he says or does; you can only control what you say or do.

I laughed when I saw what you wrote about negative thoughts because I said the exact same thing...I couldn't write down all of my negative thoughts because I couldn't write fast enough. It gets easier. Honest!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Oct 15, 2009 5:58 pm

hello Makingchangesforme I am in a similar position my husband of 12 years left the house and has rented a house for a year! He has told me he doesn't love me and that our marriage has failed! Now he on the other hand has been in therapy for 7 years working on improving himself. Now he didn't want to go to any marriage counseling this time; separated for a year 3 years ago! States he can't live in this house! We have had alot of problems in our marriage we have two kids together and one each from first marriages.. I know that I have played my part but I have never not been willing to work on it! I find myself obsessing about the things that are really happening in our relationship but, I find myself fantasizing alot also, with negative unrealistic thoughts!

I know what you mean with all your jounaling be wrapped around your husband! The way I looked at it today is that that is my biggest external and internal stressor and I need help with both my negative thinking and my martial problems so the journaling is serving two purposes!

I started session 3 yesterday and I had a really rough time thinking any of this is going to make substancial long term difference and again that's why I'm doing the program!

Don't lose confidence in yourself!