The Challenge...Lesson 8

[Paisleegreen]

Mike, I enjoy your feedback and help that you've been giving and I really like your CBT work that you've been doing with David Burns book.
Now if I can just get organized and decluttered to uncover my book which I know is in my room some place!

[NinjaFrodo]

Ok so after that situation with my friend and reading posts from you guys I do realize that I do have an approval addiction (this is the term dr.Burns uses in his feeling good book) and I read about it in his book and I find it helpful and I wanted to share several parts that I highlighted.

The Approval Addiction

Why does disapproval pose such a threat? Perhaps your reasoning goes something like this, "If one person dissaproves of me, it means that everyone would dissaprove of me. It would mean there is something wrong with me. If this applies then your moods will shoot up everytime you get approval. You'll reason, "I got some positive feedback so I can feel good about myself." This is illogical because you're overlooking the fact that it is only your thoughts and beliefs which have the power to elevate your spirts. Another person's approval has no ability to affect your mood unless you believe what he/she says is valid. you must validate external approval before you experience mood elevation.

How would you feel if you were visiting a psychiatric ward and a confused hallucinating patient approaches you and say, "you are wonderful. I had a vision from god. He told me the 13th person to walk through the door would be the special messenger. You are the 13th, so I know you are God's chosen one, the prince of peace, the holy of holies. Let me kiss your shoe." Would this elevate your mood?

Others can say or think whatever they want about you, good or bad, but only your thoughts will influence your emotions. The price you pay for your addiction to praise will be an extreme vulnterability to the opinions of others. Like any addict you will need to feed your habit with approval in order to avoid withdraw pangs, you will be crushed the moment someone important to you exptresses disapproval just like a junkie who can no longer get his "stuff". Others will be able to use this vulnerability to manipulate you. You set yourself up for emotional blackmail.

You must "buy into" the other person's criticism and believe that you are in fact no good in order to feel bad about yourself.

Did it ever occur to you that if someone dissaproves of you, it might be his or her problem? Disapproval often reflects other people's irrational beliefs.

There will be times when dissaproval will result from an actual error on your part. Does it follow that you are a worthless, no good person? Obviously not. The other person's negative reaction can only be directed toward a specific thing you did, not all your worth. A human being cannot do wrong things all the time.

You are not obliged to make yourself miserable and hate yourself everytime someone flies off the handle or puts you down.

The answer may life in your interactions with people who were important to you when you were a child. As a small child you might have seen your parents as gods. You might have assumed that everything your parents said was true. So when you heard "you're no good" and "you'll never learn," you literally believed it and it hurt badly. You were too young to be able to reason, "daddy is exaggerating and overgeneralizing." You also weren't able to determine if it was an error on his part or your own.


Ok so his suggestion on how to do that is to do a pro and con list to find the advantages and disadvantages to having this belief. ie. I must always do what people expect me to do. After doing this you will likely realize this belief is costing you more then its benefitting you and if any of you have gone through the Tony Robbin's tapes you might recognize this as getting leverage on yourself.

So after you figure this out then he suggests to rewrite this belief into something more realistic. ie. It can be enjoyable to have someone approve of me, but I don't need approval in order to be a worthwhile person or to respect myself. Disapproval can be uncomfortable, but it doesn't mean I'm less of a person."



Mike

[Paisleegreen]

BINGO! Mike, you've done great job of getting David Burns CBT program on here for others to benefit. Thank you for the refresher. It is nice to read it here and not have to hunt for it in my books which I have a pretty good idea where it is, but find that the process of doing so is difficult. Plus DH is in the room and watching a TV show that irritates me and he is sick with a cold.

[NinjaFrodo]

Here is a video but the message isn't as motivating and inspiring. I was going more for something that we can all relate to. My suggestion is to think of anxiety and how it feels like it takes our self control...the lyric is "You take my self-control"...and just how the lady is in a room where arms are coming out of the walls and she is all afraid.

Self-Control


Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

I was watching glee and I found a really amazing example of the thought and feeling empathy that I'd thought I'd share;

Glee clip


Mike

[Paisleegreen]

I'm too afraid to watch the video!

[THH]

Mike,
Yes, I am saying that it is okay to share what you want to share.
With that being said, Only you can read whom ever your with (not on this site but in your life where you live) as to if they want to discuss your plans to face your limitations. Some people are very supportive, and others may not be. Those that are not, it might be good idea not to share much as they do not understand, and may not want to either. If it is going to effect you, being hurt or feeling down about yourself I think you are better keeping it to your self and just know that you yourself are facing your limitations and feel how good it feels.

I will just not share that much with this person, limit the communication or just stop talking to him altogether.

I liked your first part of the sentence, it turned to black and white thinking in the later. ooops...
I can catch myself doing that too, remember gray is better.! LOL...

Ok. I think for me, you have always been very good at listening, understanding and offering a great alternative perception. What I have seen is you have gotten more confident, more relaxed, you have advanced with your skill and have handled things with much more ease.

I look forward to your posting as you do so well. For me I need to continue to practice staying in the moment. This forum helps me stay there. For me worry is coming up in session 9 and that is one of my weakness as well as well as what ifing. I can write there when we get there. I can't really say something is not working for me as I have taken away some very good ideas and have felt better than I have for years! With that being said it does not mean I am a positive thinker by habit. As all through out this program it talks about just this. Its a process. It takes time and keeping at it. But I can say I'm certainly moving in the right direction!
I can not speak for you, but to me you are making great progress too, and you must be proud!

I agree with your Dr. Burns book! I have a little of this in me wanting approval too. Who don't???? Who don't want to feel excepted, made to feel apart of something? It is my thoughts when I trace down why I feel the way I do, usually. More so than others doing it to me. I also learned this from this program.
There is a art form to being a healthy thinker We who are working this program are learning it. One day it will fly, naturally!

[THH]

Hope,
I am glad you liked the video! It does make you think.

How are you doing? Did you get your job?

I think we will always be somewhat effected by what people say esp. authority figures. I think by having a better self esteem we will be more effective in processing what we just had to hear and be able to deal with it in a healthy way.
I liked your fish in a pond idea.

if things don't move, if we don't find obstacles, we stop growing, we stop learning.

I believe you are right! For me I know this is true. When I stopped growing, my world got very small. I forgot that I was to keep growing. When your a kid you go through life doing kid stuff, teen years, get married, buy houses ect. Then the day comes when you did all this,for me in menopause facing my age and limitations as a older women
I scared my self terribly! Kinda don't know what I need to do? KEEP LIVING! QUIT WORRYING! Get excited about life again, in a different way. Its a process, I'll let you know when I find the beaming light! LOL....
Have a good night!

[THH]

Paisleegreen,
How are you? I love animals! One thing I do know about cats is they can fend for themselves pretty well. They have that independent way about them. I have dogs. I do have a barn kitty that someone dumped off as a kitten, he is the best cat we ever had. I wanted him to come in the house and he hates it. He screams to go out. So he lives in the barn. He is more dog like than a cat. We call him Charlie.

I have to add I too think for me, I have always had anxiety as a kid, but never to the extremes it has come to over the last 5 years. I do think hormones do have a major fact in it. I am not on any at this time. I'm the kind of person who the Dr. prescribes things and I don't take them! My body has always been very sensitive and I always have reactions to things. Then I obsess and look and feel for every thing that might be different. So I suffer! LOL...
I did end up taking like 1/2 of a .25 zanax when needed my Dr. begged me, and I felt sorry for him so I thought I should see if it helps. It did. I can truly say that is a wonder drug!I always think of the pioneer women, they didn't even have drs.! We will get though all this yet! Glad your here!

[Paisleegreen]

THH--So glad to hear from another empty nester and lacking hormones lady! I love how you took 1/2 of .25mg of Xanax! It is nice stuff. That's like me taking 1/4 of .5mg! The poor Dr said you could just nibble a little bit of it when you need to.

I just want to be drug free...I was at one time in my life! LOL! Didn't even take an aspirin. My father always discouraged us kids taking any pain killer. Eventually, we do get sick physically as well as emotionally, so I had to an aspiring when my head ached and anti-biotics when i got pneumonia as a kid. And so forth...definitely loved the epidural when I was in labor for a long time with my first child.

One of our cats is like a dog and played with my dog. He even wanted to snuggle up and sleep next to him, but the dog said No Way, Jose', you have claws. But they were cute together jumping up on the furniture and as they chased eachother. Yep, I'm a sucker for furry creatures as well as birds, etc. but I now kill the Hobo Spider if I see it. So glad to be here too and thanks for all the encouragement.

I did get news from my sister, that she will be sending me her CDs tomorrow. We'll see how she does. She has watched some of Lucinda's DVDs and has her book and she has been carrying around her cards. She isn't going to send me her cards or some intro DVD. She also said she didn't get the cassette tapes, she had a choice.

Anyway, it takes a lot out of her to get organized to send a package and to get to the post office. She'll have a ride tomorrow, since she has an opportunity to dog sit for a couple of weeks.