back with a vengeance..

[Don57]

Robin,

I have read a lot of your posts. What has been going on with you lately? How have you been talking to yourself, ABOUT yourself? Have you gained weight lately, noticed a few wrinkles, etc?? Have you felt like you failed at something immportant to you? What thoughts have you been dealing with lately that are bringing down your self esteem? Or, is your husband not paying as much attention to you? I find that sometimes we feel secure because of what someone ELSE is giving us. I have been struggling with similar thoughts as you. I have to keep it in perspective. Example...tonight I was obsessing and worrying about whether my guy wanted to be back with his ex! Why? Because I haven't felt that confident in myself lately...which inturn I think subconciously makes me think how could he want me? It's like you get caught up in it and forget all the things they do that show they really do love you, and want YOU. As I am obsessing about this I started journaling...and was suprised at how easily I forgot that just this morning he came up and hugged me while I was doing the dishes and was telling me he loved me. And this afternoon he came running into the room where I was to show me something he had been working on that he was proud of. And how I am the person he always wants to show these things to and ask what I think about different things. I couldn't believe I was sitting there thinking he wanted to be back with his ex...lol. Girl..it's tough.

What is different in your relationship that may make you think these thoughts...or what is different with you personally that is bringing your self confidence down?

I mean, if you were sitting around thinking what a beautiful, strong, desirable woman you were, would you be dealing with these insecurities? Get to the root as to why this is coming up...and deal with it at the root.

Are you not feeling close to him? Why? Is he showing you how in love with you he is but you have a different love language and so you aren't receiving it that way? What's up?

As far as having another attack...IT'S NO BIG DEAL. REALLY! We aren't gauranteed to never have another attack when we are done with the program. It is just a way of showing you that something(s) are really bothering you...no need to fear the panic. You are just on overload. It happens to us all. You don't have a mental illness honey. When you start to uncover what's going on with you and sort it out, you will get it back on track.
"In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world."
The same spirit that lives in you raised Jesus Christ from the dead!

Hey, and even if you had a mental illness (which you don't) you would still be in God's hands...and that means it is all good girl!

I would suggest re-reading this post. Lack of self esteem causes us to feel insecure in relationships. It also causes us to feel like we're going crazy. God is real, but there was a time that I was too dependent upon Him, expecting Him to "fix" me. Then He brought the Stress program to me. After working with it I realized I have some responsibilities in how I think that have to change. He can't do that for me.

If you read scripture it says to set your mind on things that are praiseworthy, resist temptation, do not be conformed to the world but be transformed by the renewal of the mind, take every thought captive, as a man thinketh so is he, etc. In the old testament God said choose what path you will follow. I think there is a responsibility we all have to choose what we will set our minds upon, what we will choose to think about. That is up to us, as I see it, not God. He has given us the freedom to choose.

I've heard many a pastor speak of the evil of "self-esteem", as if it were a sin. Then why do we try and build self-esteem in our children if that is so? As I see it, only those with healthy self esteem are capable of making healthy choices whether it's relationships, jobs, raising children or whatever. But if we're running on empty inside emotionally, it becomes very difficult to manage relationships, jobs, children or whatever. Jesus said to love others as we love ourselves. I think some in the church have distorted this message by saying to love others and hate yourself. We are humans with needs, some of those emotional. If we don't take care of ourselves emotionally we will pay the price. God said to put to death what is earthly in you. I interpret that as meaning to seek to put to death what is sinful. Taking care of ourselves in a healthy manner physically, emotionally, and spiritually is not sinful, it is what God intended.

Again, I think what FrancesL and everyone has posted is right on target. I am very sorry you are suffering at the moment. Sometimes it is hard, very hard. Learn to love your self unconditionally as God loves you. Be kind, gentle, loving, patient, forgiving to yourself as you are to others, rather than beating yourself up. When you start doing that you will start to feel better.

I recently heard Dr. Caroline Leaf on the James Robison tv show and thought what she had to say about how our thoughts affect the chemical balance of our brains was excellent. She is a believer and her new book just out is in the link below.

<A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/Switched-Brain-co ... ZQM608AK30" TARGET=_blank>http://www.amazon.com/Switched-Brain-co ... 608AK30</A>

[Pressing on]

I think we all have times where we feel like conquerors and then become discouraged when we hit a valley. As many other posts have noted prayer and scripture reading have been a blessing in training your mind to focus on the important things. The Lord is at hand, Do not be anxious about anything, but in ALL things through prayer and supplication make your requests known to God and the peace of Christ will guard your hearts and mind. Even Job became discouraged over time, but God didn't love him less because of this and in the end restored more than what he lost. His friends were rebuked for trying to tell Job why he faced these troubles for they were all wrong and were only a comfort when they kept their mouths shut. It is only in testing that your faith is tried and perfected and anything that draws us to God is ultimately for our good. I'm not saying testing is easy. Read the Psalms.. life is hard at times, but God is good.

[FrancesL]

Don57,

I have that book! It's good...and very interesting. I purchased it off of Life Today when I saw it few months back! Great read.

[Mom of 6]

ARGH I just replied a pretty lengthy post and it didn't go through..that is so frustrating..so here's attempt # 2.

Thank you all again for your responses. I appreciate them ALL. FrancesL and Don, I want to especially thank you for making me address some of my most hidden "insecurities". In doing so, I feel that I NEED to express those 'fears" in order to find healing. So with that in mind, and as uncomfortable as it may be, I'm going to express them right here, right now. I know this is good for me and I hope that it may inspire others out there that might struggle with the same things. It's all about being honest and open with our shortcomings, right? so, here goes nothing.

When I was younger, I was consider the" ugly duckling"..I was too skinny, too tall, kinda awkward looking. I was made fun of and it hurt like hell. I never had a good self esteem UNTIL..I found myself in a divorce and put myself through beauty school. After school, I experience a great transformation(could have been on the Maury show.."look at me now" ) anyways..I got attention I'd never gotten before, and I LOVED the "feeling" of being pretty. I then remarried and found myself with someone who IS absolutely gorgeous very well liked and has a wonderful sense of humor, outgoing, etc. etc. etc. I remember the day we married, my sister said "I could never be with someone that was so good looking, I'd be afraid someone would take him away" Gosh, like I needed to hear that, right? My sister is in no way perfect, but I love her anyways..I just try to steer away from any advice she has to offer fastforward.
My husband is in the "entertainment" industry(F&B) he works around women ALL day!(the 20 ish crowd) Now this was NOT a problem until I got pregnant again and became a stay at home mom. I mean really, who has time to put on make up and do their hair everyday when your chasing two year olds around all day??? He is complimented ALOT and women seem to confide in him. He's a natural "caretake" so to speak. Women love his sense of humor and great smile. (I know this because I've been told time and time again).. So, there it is folks, my innermost insecurities..Which might I add is very uncomfortable right now. As I wrote this out, I could see the stupidity in it! Why do I do that to myself. My husband loves me..I've given him children that he never thought he'd have. He comes home EVERYNIGHT, we do EVERYTHING together, he calls me through out the day, he doesn't hang out with the guys after work. quite frankly, hes a home body. He loves the time he spends with the kids and I. I have NO reason to suspect infedelity(other than perhaps it's because I WAS cheated on in my last marriage,) heck I dont know, all I know is that I want to "feel" good again. Geeze, we've been married for almost nine years, why would all of this come up now??? it's so frustrating!!! So anyways, there it is..out in the open! I'm embarrassed, but hopeful. I would love to hear of others that struggle with the same kind of issue. So if you're out there, please share. We can do this together. Thanks for listening.
Take care and God bless you aLL
Robin

[Chief Crazy Horse]

Robin I've noticed that negative thoughts were coming back and didn't realize what was going on until your post here. Thanks for posting, I've been going to bed earlier, getting up earlier and having my quiet time in the morning (prayer and reading scripture) and replacing my negative thoughts with positive ones again

ty

oh and save a lengthy post (mic word) and paste it in if you lose your post

[Mom of 6]

Crazy horse,
Yes, that's what happened to me too. BUT, I know God is doing his "divine pruning" right now. Like I've said in earlier posts, it's in the valley that we learn. Or in the "fire" so to speak. It wasn't until yesterday, after reading all of these wonderful replies that I figured out what was happening. I read and pray daily as well. I ask God to show me the areas in my life that I am struggling in and that need change. Well, you know how that old saying goes,"be careful what you pray for" God is faithful and DOES answer prayers. Being pruned and shaped does NOT feel good at the moment, but I know it's all for the good and I will soon begin to feel better and be that christian woman I so long to be. Happy, joyous and free from past hurts/guilts. I've been journalling and it seems to help. I've also started writing out my whole life story and when I read back on it, I can see why I struggle with this anxiety. It helps to know why. anyways, God bless you Crazy horse..We're on the right track here. I pray for you!!!

for your reading pleasure

But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength;they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint". Isaiah 40:31 NKJV

"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him'do not fret" Psalm 37:7

my FAVORITE

"These things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. I it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue A SINGLE DAY!" Habakkuk 2:3 LB

"I wait expectantly, trusting God to help, for he has promised". Psalm 130:5 LB

"I am the Lord; no one who waits for my help will be disappointed" Isaiah 49:23 GNT


"God makes EVERYTHING hppen at the right time".
Ecc 3:11 CEV

"Entrust your ways to the Lord. Trust him,and he will act on your behalf. Psalm 37:5 GWT

"But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Saviour;my God will hear me"
Micah 7:7


God bless you my friend and take care
Robin

[Don57]

Mom of 6,

I can relate to what you are saying. I grew up with low self esteem but didn't realize it. I can remember at age 12 spending several nights with my next door neighbor, who was male and a good friend, at his grand parents house on a lake. Two of his female cousins who were our age came to visit while we were there. We played and did some things together while they were there. But I can remember looking in the bath room mirror one morning while there and just thinking I was ugly, that no one would think I was attractive. I had this image for most of my adolescent years and guess a small part of it is still with me. It's just how I grew up. No one told me I was attractive as a child, that I can remember. [Maybe something was said and I discarded it? Don't really know. ]

In high school I was so shy [afraid of rejection] that a girl came up to me and invited me to a social function rather than me asking a girl for a date. After that we went "steady" until I graduated. I was continually jealous. She was friendly and outgoing and talked to a lot of guys and sometimes rode around with them in the company of other girls. I continually felt inferior and unattractive which caused the jealousy.

When I went into the military at age 24 and right out of college, I was determined to date and let the chips fall where they may, rejection or success, I was on the hunt. There was a girl in my high school that I didn't know but thought was a "bombshell" when I was in high school. She was voted senior beauty her senior year in high school. I wrote her while in the military [ this was about 6 years later] and asked for a date when I returned home to my parents house while on leave. I was surprised when she accepted. When I came home on leave, I called her to find out when she wanted to go on the date. She said she had a bad sore throat and wouldn't be able to go. So, I immediately interpreted this as she wasn't interested in me. I returned to active duty after this and assumed I needed to look elsewhere. Shortly thereafter I received a letter from this girl at which point I realized she really had been sick and really did want to go on the date. My negative thinking had me believing a lie that wasn''t true. If she hadn't written I'd have kept on believing it.

I dated several other girls while in the military and discovered that some really pretty women were attracted to me. This was a light bulb moment for me. I had been believing lies. Because I had believed a lie for so long, the old self-image never fully disappeared, but my self-image did change significantly.

I can relate to not feeling "good enough". For me this isn't just in regards to looks, it is something I have internalized since I was a child and it has come to be a "core belief" for me. It is something I fight every day. I believe that if I had the skills from the program to know how to respond to adverse circumstances when I was young that I wouldn't be where I am at today. I think my negative thinking has rewarded me with what I have sown in regards to my thinking.

I'm an old guy now, 58. Looks are quickly fading, much already has. The "bombshell" I dated in the military is my wife and her looks are fading as well. As the scripture says, beauty and youth are like the grass, they are transient or temporary, you have them for a short while and they are gone. They can add to our self esteem and our self image, but it is a shallow foundation upon which to build real self esteem whether you are a man or woman, in my opinion. Yet, it is what the "world" and the "flesh" esteem highly.

Looking at your pic, I think you are very attractive. Since you married someone "gorgeous", that means that someone you and others consider to be gorgeous thinks you are too. What does that say about how you are currently thinking, i.e that you are not as attractive as all the 20 somethings? It's a lie, but your inner dialogue is trying to convince you otherwise and you're buying it.

It sounds like your husband is a good guy and really loves you. I think that as we build healthy self esteem through the different skills taught in the program that we change who we are and as a result the fears and negative thinking we have fade. But, we have to challenge the negative thinking with what we will believe as truth. We can't just buy into the negative without challenging it. There is always going to be someone who is more attractive, more talented, more everything than us. We have to learn to be content with who we are, not compare ourselves, and learn to love ourselves unconditionally with forgiveness and compassion whether anyone else does or not. All of this is taught in scripture, but in my opinion, it's not taught from the pulpit that much.

As I wrote this out, I could see the stupidity in it! Why do I do that to myself. My husband loves me..I've given him children that he never thought he'd have. He comes home EVERYNIGHT, we do EVERYTHING together, he calls me through out the day, he doesn't hang out with the guys after work. quite frankly, hes a home body. He loves the time he spends with the kids and I. I have NO reason to suspect infedelity(other than perhaps it's because I WAS cheated on in my last marriage,) heck I dont know, all I know is that I want to "feel" good again.

Journaling can help reinforce the truth and combat the lies. What may not register in our heads can become clearer if we write the negative thoughts down and then put the truth next to the negative thoughts.

I have a son who is now 24. I loved the role of Dad and husband as he was growing up. I spent tons of time with him which I am grateful for, privileged to have been so much a part of his life when he was young and I'd do it all gain in a heartbeat. Nothing, and I mean nothing could have distracted me from that role.

Twenty years ago, when my son was 4, an attractive woman close to my age who lived across the street from us called one day as I was preparing to go work. I was self-employed at the time. I had taken my son to daycare for the day, my wife was a teacher. The woman didn't identify herself, she simply asked me, "What would you like to be doing right now?" Temptation had come knocking when I totally wasn't expecting it. I admit I was tempted, but I told her something about I just needed to get to work in a somewhat angry tone. She immediately hung up. It wasn't long before she moved.

I think you may be blowing up the negative and making too much of it. Even when temptation is around us we can have other things which help to ground us. My son and wife were my life. It also helped greatly that I had a very close relationship with God at the time.

If something is amiss in your relationship, you'll sense it. But, nothing you have posted gives me the impression anything is wrong. That is good news. You have a lot of stress with your 17 year old and how he's feeling. It would bother me a lot also. My son struggled with me at that age and it blew me out of the water. My wife sided with him, so I felt abandoned. Things are good now, but it was a very difficult time for me. I left my family a number of times before finally settling down. You'll get through this. Just keep praying, believing, and trusting.