My mother is my negative center what do I do?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Nov 28, 2007 9:51 am

Ah Moms. You can't live with them, and you can't be conceived without 'em.

My Mom loves to say wonderful supportive things, and then out of the blue say the cruelest and most critical cutting barb that ever existed this side of Hades. Knocks my socks off she does, relentlessly negative about my life choice (I help out people in REALLY bad situations in Third World countries)

I've thought about divorcing her, but she'd probably outfox me.

Keep smiling friends

Patrick in Fresno

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Nov 28, 2007 10:22 am

Patrick,
I think its wonderful the life choice you have made!! Congrats! Im a mom to, and im hope im not the negative person in my kids life.. I support dreaming dreams for lifes choices.
Your an adult, who has the right to choose!
By the way, I love your picture, lol Nelly:)

Gman5256 · Post by **Gman5256** » Wed Dec 12, 2007 5:47 pm

I just want to put in a quick note here about mothers. (Yes, I looked at this thread for humor, but stayed anyway.) I can't begin to add to the incredibly insightful comments and suggestions many of you made earlier on, but I do want to agree that "my mother is my negative center."

I am a 56-year old happily married man with a now-feeble 90-year old mother in a nursing home. I battled with her from childhood through my twenties, and by all accounts she was just bat-crazy neurotic her whole life. In my teens I fervently believed that either she was crazy or I was evil, and only time would tell. When I went away to college, I found out that I wasn't evil and nobody else's mothers were nearly as srange as she was. I swore to myself, literally, that "I won't become Norman Bates." That may seem crazy, but in retrospect it was me staying healthy.

I battled for my own self, I visited her and my mild-mannered dad, often with screaming arguments and long walks, and I lived my own life. Now my life-long anxiety and depression have gotten me into this program (fortunately), and I visit my mom regularly and take part in her care. Despite her reduced faculties she smiles at me with tears in her eyes, and it is worth the years of fighting to keep a connection.

In my personal, biased and uneducated opinion, you have to keep up a connection. As you get older, so do they, and at some point you have to take charge. They fear your leaving them, and you can use that fear to negotiate visitation terms. After all, you have your own life now and theirs is waning, so they need you more than you need them. At least on a short-term basis.

Years ago my wife asked me in anguish, "How do they know how to press all the buttons?" I said, "Because they put them there!"

Oh yes they did. And so here I am. But I'm driving 350 miles to see her this weekend, even if she forgets I was there the next day. It's another small deposit in the karma bank, and I know it.

I did the eulogy at my dad's funeral 20 years ago. My sister will probably ask me to do the same for our mom, and I have no idea what to say. Her life was a bit hard, and much strange, but still...

Not quite the "quick note" that I promised. Gee, I still can't wrap it up in a postcard! I'd better do Week 4 again before going back to Week 3 -- again.

We all come from "nuclear" families. Good luck to us all!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Dec 12, 2007 7:19 pm

My mother is an alcoholic/drug addict. She had a horrible childhood full of abuse and chaos. As for me, well i saw so many things that a child shouldn't see. Drinking, drugs domestic violence you name it. And that was after my parents decided that my grandparents didn't need to care for me anymore, they could do it.

I still feel like I am a little girl feeling abandoned and neglected by my parents, mom mostly. My dad has come through for me a lot, so I think I've forgiven him.

My mom on the other hand. Well she was always critical and negative. Nothing was ever good enough for her. I could always have done better. And yet at 32 years old, I am still waiting for her to say that she loves me and that I am ok. i don't have contact with her because it's too painful. She still drinks and criticizes so whats the point? But sometimes i start to feel bad and miss her, but I think what I am missing is the fact that I really never had a bond with her. I had my grandparents and they were great, but there was or is that feeling that something is missing.

I know that if I stay feeling sorry for myself about the past that I cannot change, it will make it hard to move foward. I always have a hard time letting go. i hold on to painful memories or spats with people like I need a reminder to not get too close to people because people hurt me.

Well the victim thing isn't working. I need to come to terms with the fact that I can't change the past. I can however be a good parent to myself by accepting myself and taking care of myself, two things I never really learned to do, but I am trying. It feel weird though. And it's scary uncharted territory at times.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Dec 19, 2007 4:40 am

My mother is my worst enemy and yet she's helped me for years financially since I've become sick with Lupus.She is cruel, hurtful and would more then likely never talk to me unless she needed something. I know that she does love me, but has no idea how to be a caring, loving, supportive mom. I have resented her for years, yet feel guilty at times because she does help me now that I can't work any longer. I want so badly to be more loving to her, but can't get past the hurt that she has caused me and my children through th years. I give credit to the person I read about taking her mom to do fun things for an hour or so, I can't stay with her for more then ten minutes. She can talk to my cousins for hours, yet can even say good morning to me. The only time she really seems to talk is when she needs something. I can't even share this program that I've started because she couldn't care less and would use it against me somewhere down the line. Anybody have any ideas on how to stop this so i can get less anxiety from it.

meganisere · Post by **meganisere** » Thu Dec 20, 2007 10:18 am

Wow, the pain I see in these relatonships. It mirrors the intense pain I had with my Mom.

My pain became so bad at one point that I had to stop all contact for several years, to prevent my life, and that of my family from becoming the same way. She was so much the victim that she never had any personal identity aside from the pain she had suffered. I was 52 years old when I finally in disperation went to her and told her--look, you have been divorced from my father for 30 years, and he has been dead for 10. Isn't it time to let all this go? I was literally going out of my mind. "your Father" was guaranteed to send a cold chill down my spine. No one had "suffered" the way she had.

Mom is gone now. i did not grieve much when she died. It was just such a relief not to deal with her anymore.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Jan 05, 2008 4:53 pm

My mom is also my negative person in my life. Its probably my fault in some way cause i have never spoke out. Never wanted last words to be harsh and then lose her and have to live with it. So I do keep my distance to some point. I let her be her self and now she has problems and I try to be helpful but she really doesn't want to hear it. So I tried to share about CD and she talks about pills. I give up and realize that i am Ok and her issues are really hers. I lived all my life don't let anything stick in the middle. In one ear and out the other. That way it doesn't hurt. Her high expectations and disappointments when i think I have done remarkably well is sad. Hang in there and remember one day they we willbe gone and we will be sad. I keep trying to just be good and try to make a small difference the best I can.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Jan 18, 2008 6:04 am

My mother is definitely a negative person in my life and she always has been. There when I needed her many years ago, but she talked about it and tells everyone about it afterwards. Now, she will never know if I needed anything and she says that I am stubborn and have too much self-pride. I will never tell her what's really going with me and she knows that I have always distanced myself from her. I live in Texas now and she lives in Kansas. Every once in a while, when I see that a lot of time has gone by, I will call her. She says that I will never prosper because I don't have much to do with her. That is not true. Beautiful new home, supportive and loving husband and blessed with five healthy children. What do you think? She knows that I love her, but I do tell her how I feel about a situation. She always wants me to side with her, but I can't if she's wrong. If we disagree on the phone, I tell her that I will talk to her when she's in a better mood and just hang up. I too have deep resentments of her as a child. Child abuse being one of them. But oh well, I'm a better parent as a result.