Help! Seems like divorce is lingering in the air

traveller · Post by **traveller** » Sat Feb 28, 2009 2:53 am

Lynn, stop and breathe. It's really hard to think straight and problem-solve when your head is spinning in panic.

I agree with Shifrah -- speak with a marriage counsellor. There's a ton of experience out there to be accessed, and someone who has seen a lot of relationships in chaos could be really helpful in helping you to figure out the best way through all this.

Trust in Allah that if your husband is the right man for you, you and he will be able to work things out.

Please don't do anything that will take away any of your dignity and self-respect. I think you know that I'm not talking about pride -- pride more often than not gets in the way, whereas dignity and self-respect will keep you true to yourself. It takes self-respect to be able to act humbly, fairly, and responsibly when you've made a mistake. It also takes self-respect to stand firm on your beliefs and actions when you're scared and/or other people disagree with you.

Take 15 minutes or whatever you need to centre yourself again and reconnect with your core values. It's only from this place that you'll be able to make decisions that will honour yourself and the people you care about.

Mary Wargo · Post by **Mary Wargo** » Sat Feb 28, 2009 12:22 pm

I must say I'm pretty confused over this. Why on earth would you even want to stay with a man who tells you every so often that he doesn't love you anymore because you are not as attractive as you were when you first met, and wants you to look hotter and not gain weight? Is this what he equates as love? I think you need to figure out why you would feel you love someone who places such superficial things above a deeper love and respect for you as a person.

*D* · Post by ***D*** » Sun Mar 01, 2009 8:30 am

lynn,
lehis. it takes 2 people to make a marrage work.if you want to stay with him that your decision.if he does not want to be with you then what decision will you make then? I have been where you are now and even though I had done somewrong things and apologized and thought everything was ok. she wanted meout of the house.she had been running around on me for years and why I wanted to stay is the same as you wanting to.but love is so easy to say and somedo it just to make others feel better and not mean on word of it.hope that helps you some. take care and know that you are in our thoughts nd prayers.
don

Naustin · Post by **Naustin** » Sun Mar 01, 2009 6:22 pm

I just want you to know that you have a lot of people praying for you. No matter what the outcome is we will all be here for you.

peaceandjoy7 · Post by **peaceandjoy7** » Tue Mar 10, 2009 5:52 pm

Help! Someone please help. I feel terrible. I had my court date today for our divorce proceedings to take place and even though I have a lawyer to protect my rights and a good friend there for support, when I went into the huge court house in Worcester, that had about three floors and I looked around at all the courts I felt so sad in my heart that I had to be there for divorce proceedings. I never thought my marriage would end this way. I always wanted to work things out, resolve our differences. It felt so cold and empty there, no love in the air. My husband saw me and was just cold. He came up to me while we waited our turn and gave me my W-2 forms and said "Hi Lynn" than he asked my friend to help him fill out his financial statement. He didn't have a lawyer there like I thought he would since he said he was going to see one. When we went into the small room (me, my lawyer in the middle and my husband)and the mitigator my husband claimed I had thrown his clothes around and I went to the house every day and he wanted his privacy. I never moved his clothes around, I can't believe he lied about me like that. He was trying to get me to sign a restraining order so I couldn't enter my own house if I had to get something, my lawyer defended me saying he can't do this because legally the house is mine and I never abused him. I just hurt so bad inside. My heart is breaking. I keep thinking about the past. Everything I see reminds me of it. When I went into the city today it reminded me of when I used to live in NY in Queens with him and we were newly wed. I feel so depressed and alone. Life is so hard! I'm 33 had two miscarriages, have trouble getting pregnant, a husband he has told me two times before he wanted a divorce and now the third time he wants a divorce will go through in June when we go to court again. Part of me wishes everything could just end so I could just have that complete whole feeling in my heart again. I feel so empty inside and nothing helps. Spending, doing homework, going to work, nothing helps. Today just made my pain jump from an eight to a ten. What can I do? I see a counselor now and he is very nice, but there are 24 hours a day seven days a week and I only see him for one hour a week. I know everyone thinks the rebound thing never works, but when my divorce is over and I have waited three months and 10 days as my religion calls for, I want to try to get engaged to a good man and possibly get married. In my faith we don't date, we get engaged for a while with no touching and than if we like each other we get married. My friends are scared for me when I think like this, but I need something to be hopeful for, I want someone to really truly love me. Is this so wrong? I just have this awful confused, disillusioned, spaced out, I can't believe this is happening feeling. I want to come out of this and be happy, but I can't, my future seems bleek, I don't know what is in store for me now. I want a family, all friends (most of them)have this, now I'm alone at my mom's house with just my schoolwork, my computer, and my job where I don't make much money. I like my job, but right now it is so hard to focus on anything. It is hard to do homework, hard to clean up, help my mom, go to work, keep my self going. Almost every night I dream of him and I wake up sad and tired and I don't want to get up for work or to do whatever I need to do. I have bad circles under my eyes that just won't go away. Yesterday and today all I wanted to do is eat. What can I do? It hurts thinking that the man I love or loved I don't know any more, lied to me, went to strip clubs, gave up on me, rejected me, was made at me for spending. As much as I am angry at what he has done to me, I also feel guilty inside and like I made a huge mistake for spending so much money and not being honest about it to him. I guess he can't forgive me. I'm sorry I did it. I honestly just wanted to be perfect looking for him, because of past things he said and did. I felt like I had to measure up with the other beautiful women he sees in the mall, at the club, etc. I don't mean to go on and on, but I'm so unhappy, I don't feel I deserve this, I didn't deserve to have to go to court today for my divorce. I hope God will send me someone who loves and cherishes me and doesn't manipulate me because of my sweetness. I am such a sensitive woman and although I have tried to be stronger it is just my make up and I can't change it. I hope someday before I die I will have the opportunity to experience true love and to have a family. I don't want to be alone the rest of my life.

peaceandjoy7 · Post by **peaceandjoy7** » Sun Apr 19, 2009 3:05 pm

So my husband and I are going through a divorce and I don't feel like I love him any more because he has done lots of devious things. Right now we are waiting a court date and I am trying to decide what to do. For about two months he didn't call, but out of the blue he did because he wants to end this and not have to wait too long and incurr lots of lawyers fees. What he is proposing doesn't seem wise or safe for me to do. I had to stop using my lawyer because she didnt' do her job, she never had any answers to my legal questions and never returned my phone calls. I have an appt. with another lawyer on Friday this week, but the problem is that my husband or soon to be ex has called me a few times and I feel sort of pressured to do what he is proposing, he says he wants to be friends and tries to act nice, but I know he is not. He is not honest. He also tries to play on my sympathy and make me feel bad saying he misses his family in Egypt and he wants to go visit them so he wants to be done with all of this. Every time he calls I feel really depressed after. My heart feels like it is aching. It is so weird because I feel like I'm getting better and than when he calls I feel terrible like it is the end of the world. It is hard for me to focus on other things. Why can I feel okay one minute and the next minute I am so depressed?

Paige... · Post by **Paige...** » Sun Apr 19, 2009 4:56 pm

Dearest Peaceandjoy,
I have never read on any of these postings before, but, tonight for some odd reason; I felt the need to read through all the postings!!!

I want you to know how deeply I sympathize with you!!! I am sooo sorry about your dissolution of your marriage, because of the pain you have endured, and for no other reason!!!

Before, I had gotten through half the readings, I knew that yours was either a new beginning, or an ending. I have to admit that I felt in my heart like it was an ending.

The number 7 in the Bible is God's number. If you look around you, either, people divorce in the 7th year of their marriage or begin afresh!!!! Sometimes, the 7s are in the 14th years or even the 21st years..The bottom line is 7 is God's number.

You may want to think of this 7th year as a fresh start. If you had been truly united by God, then this would be the year that your marriage would have begun anew!!!

I suggest you try and let go of the past. I believe God has a plan for your life, and all of this will work out for your best!!!!

I pray that you do not allow one guy to undermine your beauty, or anything else about you. Remember, there are tons of guys out there looking for someone as special as you!!!!

I, also, know if your hubby had been the right type of hubby you deserved; he would have loved you for who you were; not some fantasy he has envisioned in his own distorted way of thinking!!!!

True beauty lies within, but, I am sure that you are also very attractive on the outside, as well. Remember, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder!!!! Do not allow this guy to destroy your self-esteem...Please!!!!

This guy was never the one God intended you to spend the rest of your life with, or he would have loved you unconditionally, and would not have tried to turn you into someone you weren't!!!

I know that you are suffering now, but, I am sure things will get much better as time goes on!!! You are a strong and courageous person, and you WILL SURVIVE this.

I suggest you use the tools in the program, and make sure to work on that "self esteem".....

Again, I am sorry for all your suffering, and I will say a prayer for you!!! God Bless

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Apr 19, 2009 5:04 pm

Dearest Peaceandjoy,
This would be a wonderful time for you to do some deep soul-searching. I think you said that you became a Muslim while you were married to this guy. Did he have something to do with the religion you chose????

Is this the religion which totally satisfies you, or is it a religion to which you have grown accustomed???

Please dig down dip, and you will find all the answers you are searching for...God Bless!!

sleepybear2009 · Post by **sleepybear2009** » Mon Apr 20, 2009 2:47 am

Has anyone here heard of the movie "Fireproof". It is an excellent marriage buildinig film. There is also a study program for couples, especially those who are in great peril and heading for divorce. I think if you were to watch that movie and then make your decision about leaving, you would maybe have a totally different perspective about it. This can be overcome. My opinion is that marriage is meant to last forever. It isn't just between you and your spouse, but between you, your spouse and God. Love yourself and take another look at your situation. Maybe he isn't 100% to blame.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Apr 20, 2009 3:36 am

sleepybear...I loved that movie "fireproof"!!!!