This time I am going to do it

Asclepius · Post by **Asclepius** » Sun Jul 26, 2009 2:44 pm

I bought this program probably 5 or 6 years ago. I found it useful initially, but due to my schedule, I abandoned it and went back to my old ways. Several times since, i have tried to start up again, unsuccessfully. But this time I really want to stick with it. I think having this on-line forum will be a big help because now I can communicate with others better.

So here's my story and how it relates to lesson 1.

I have suffered from crippling depression for my whole life. From my earliest waking memories, I have always known there was something different about me than the others. I have never been physically abused, although often I wish I had been because it would give me something to explain why I am the way I am. Almost like I need something to validate why I am as messed up inside as I am. Sometimes I fantasize that I was an orphan, or that I had been abused as a child, or that I had some horrific tragedy growing up. Anything that I could point to and say "that's why I am how I am."

If you looked at my life as a resume, you would think I have had a wonderful life. School always came easy to me. I spent four years as a military officer after college. After that I went to medical school and residency, and now I am a board certified emergency medicine physician going through a fellowship for even further specialization.

But when I look back at every single stage of my life, the overwhelming emotions I remember are intense loneliness and depression, inability to maintain friendships, constant humiliations, and the feeling of running away and starting fresh with the next stage of my life.

I want it to end. I desperately just want to go to bed some night and wake up in the morning to a beautiful sunrise, and never ever feel this way again. I just want to find a lasting happiness in this life.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Jul 27, 2009 10:08 am

I am glad you are starting the program again and I encourage you to stick with it and make it your priority for each day. Learn all the tools so you have them handy whenever you need them. Don't let the scarevoice (or negative thinking voice) stop you from finishing the program.

You deserve to feel better. Let others here support you and encourage you to continue on.