Sitting here in tears

larlar · Post by **larlar** » Sat Jul 25, 2009 6:05 pm

...I just got stressed in the middle of the night, behind the wheel, in a thugged out minority ghetto neighborhood, after some woman cut me off and nearly hit me...I called her the "a-hole" word, nothing more and sped off...she proceeded to follow me for 3 miles threatening to kill me. I did want to apologize, until she threatened to kill me.

I am always screaming, crying, yelling, cursing out filth, telling people things that devastate them. I throw tantrums like a three year old. I am 25. I am extremely unfulfilled in EVERYTHING in my life. I am a severely abused high school teacher teaching children that I do not want to be around, desperate to be a photographer...watching my neighbor with no more or less talent than me being a huge success as a photographer, raking in huge bucks while her biggest concern is her husband making her pregnant and decorating her big beautiful house with her loving extended family.

I was raised in a horrible area as a child. I was bullied and abused by my peers until I was about 15...threatened to be raped and burned to death. My father used to beat me up as a kid and call me horrible names. My mother never did much about it. Me and my mother were inordinately close. Due to where I moved after my parents split, I am close to my father, who still occasionally has abusive tendencies (non-physical). Two of my grandparents, one on each side, killed themselves. My mother's tried several times.

I feel invalidated by everyone around me. My boyfriend went from being well-behaved and perfect to racking up a DWI and quitting college. Now he works a job that he scrapes by with, pays the bills 2 months late, and comes in stupid hours of the night from his work hours. The bills are all so high I can't pay them by myself...he has to stay, enabling his behavior.

I am so angry all the time. So scared of ending up killed as a result of my own rage because I get the wrong person upset. I do not have suicidal tendencies...however I gained 60 pounds, my skin is an erupting mess, I cry constantly and uncontrollably, my blood pressure went up 50 points, and I have duodenal ulcers and severe bowel irritability. I am prone to throwing up out of fear, incredible anger/sadness, and anxiety...always so much anxiety.

Please help me, I don't know what to do anymore.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Jul 26, 2009 2:27 pm

Hi. I think that just writing it out and sharing like this is a big first step. I can identify with alot of what you wrote. I even recently had a similar story as the one you mention in the first paragraph. I was driving slowly through a parking lot, when a couple of women tried to pass in front of me. it wasnt a cross-walk, so I just kept going and they walked right in front of me. One of them looked at me and yelled at me and called me an A-hole. I said F-You and drove away. I think most people wouldnt have thought twice about it, but I was shooken up for hours. I hate to admit to this (I am a full grown man), but I even started to cry about it when I got home. Probably because it reminded me of how I cant handle confrontation.

Like I said, writing about it, even to anonymous strangers on the internet is very helpful to me. I always feel better in the morning after having done that. There are lots of online forums out there. I can also tell you that being 25 years old, you have alot of life left. I am 37 right now. When I was 25 I was deeply suicidal. I remember thinking that I felt the same way at 25 as I did when I was 15 as when I was 5 and I didnt think i could make it to 35. I did make it and I have had alot of amazing experiences and met many wonderful people since then. I still get depressed alot. And still become manic and obsessive alot. But I am hoping if I can stick with the program this time I can overcome it finally and go on to enjoy life.

Good luck.

Hot Rod · Post by **Hot Rod** » Wed Jul 29, 2009 10:18 am

larlar, I know this sounds silly, but you are just where you need to be for the Lord to turn your life around. Sometimes Jesus has to wait until we are at the end of our rope. This way we can recognize when he operates on us and makes changes in our lives. When we are at the end of our rope, and are aware that we can't save ourselves, we are poised for a move of God's spirit to begin working on us from the inside out. Some of us get instant healing, others have to walk it through with patience and faith. In either case, know that God will do something beautiful with your pain. He is not the cause of our pain, but he offers to turn our tears into rainbows if we let HIm.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Aug 02, 2009 3:25 pm

Hey Larlar...

I'm so sorry you're feeling very frustrated and angry with your life situation right now...first off, do you have the program??....If you do, please continue to work the program....If not, I highly advise that you get the program because it is such a valuable resource for those of us going through the same things as you are as well as other things...

Also...

1. Comparison...

You're comparing yourself to your neighbor is bringing on added stress, feelings of failure and other negative emotions that you just don't need. Comparing ourselves to others does not solve any single one of our problems and only add more stress and bitterness...something we definitely do not need....

2. Validation by others...

We can not depend on any single person to validate ourselves...It is our job to validate our own selves and to realize just how special, talented and worthy we all are...No one can validate you...you validate yourself!!

If we are not happy with our life situation, it is our own responsibility as human beings with free will to remedy our own situation...

We do not or can not control how our neighbors lives are....However, we CAN and ARE IN CONTROL of our own lives...and we can make decisions and take action to bring the changes we want to lead a better and more fulfilling life...It is in OUR OWN HANDS and IT is truly UP TO US...

I apologize if i sounded harsh...I in no way meant to sound harsh....I also had a lot of anger issues and although my anger is quite not as bad as it was before, it is still something I am dealing with and working on on a daily basis....something you are going through which is something i completely understand...

I wish you so many best wishes and encouragement....you may PM me whenever you need to vent or venting here on the forums is fine as well....Take care of yourself and best wishes to you!!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Aug 06, 2009 1:55 pm

Hang in there Lariar, I understand where you're coming from. I wanted to share an inspiring story with you, to prove that it's always darkest before the dawn. This is the story of "Rocky" as told by Anthony Robbins...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ywuse55qU2A

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Aug 06, 2009 4:32 pm

Ya know, this program is GOING to help you!

I can't say I grew up or ever responded as sensitive to situations as it sounds like your struggling with, but being aware that you need help, and asking or it, is the first step. Then deciding your are going to change is step 2.

Have you been to a physician for a siagnosis. The only reason I ask this is I did this program many years ago (nearly 18 now) and at the time I was diagnosed with panic disorder only to find out years later that I has HSP personility disorder (highly sensitive..which when I discoevered I learned for to manage and no longer suffer at all). Your symptoms are classic. And it does not require meds. Just food for thought.

As for your guy, well you have to make the choice what's right for you. There are plenty of fish in the sea. And if your not married, or bonded together for other legal issues, you might want to consider a life without someone dragging you down. Again, not saying you should. Just something to consider because I was with guys life you guy when I was your age and I spent a long time being single in my early 30's so I could break the habit of finding men that drove me nuts with their issues.

The one person you need to feel validated by is yourself. And this program will help you achieve that. Live for you, take time for you and you will learn to trust that you will take yourself in the right direction moving forward. It's a matter of slowing down, healing and moving forward slowly.

Star with tape 1. Also look into EMDR therapy. It changed my life. AMAZING.

God bless and were here to help.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Aug 18, 2009 2:19 pm

Thanks for sharing the story about Rocky!!
Just what I needed. Let's all never give up and look to ourselves for validation. We all have gifts unique only to us~ so do not compare!! It is hard I know, I battle it every day. But I battle compare with prayer!!:)