A question of trust

[Plastic_Starlight]

I'm kind of new to this. I've have anxiety/depression most of my life, but I wasn't diagnosed untill a few years ago which... In alot of ways it's changed my life for the better. At least now I know what I'm dealing with and I don't have to think "I'm wrong, that's just the way I am."
One question I have is how do you deal with the knowledge in the way of telling others?
I had a Therapist who said that this was a mental illness, it's not something to be ashamed of. and it doesn't have to control your life. And in a lot of ways that's true, but there are so many people out there who don't understand what having anxiety or being depressed really means. They judge you and it never turns out well.
When I was first Diagnosed I was living away from home and it was decided it would be better for me to move home for a while and get some serious help. Once I got there everyone wanted to know why I came back so soon. I didn't feel comfortable telling them. So I didn't and that's fine if I wasn't close to them but, my family and firends were a different story. My parents know. My Dad told me then that he too suffered with it, and had for most of his life. I never knew!
but my siblings I haven't told yet. 6 years later and I still haven't told them. They're afraid of me to some extent. They say I'm volitile and always angry. I don't feel that way but I guess that's what they've seen. But I'm afraid of telling them what i have. Afraid they'll judge me or leave me. I'm afraid they'll keep me from my nephews, whom I love, because I'm mentally ill. but I want them to understand.
The same with friends. When I moved home I had a friend who I'd known since high school. I felt really close to her and so thought it would be ok to tell her the truth about what brought me back. I thought! over a period of a few weeks she stopped calling, stopped having time to hang out even to go for a coffee. And just to clarify.. it's not like when we did hang out it was a rant fest about my depression or anything. I thought we had fun, going to movies, talking about boys, work, dreams for the future like normal girls our age did. There was laughing and good times. but she pulled away and after she had her big birthday bash if our other friends and i didn't find out about it till after... I got the hint. It's happened to other friends too. By the time I moved away for school- I was alone. and It sucked.
It's happened with relationships too. I mean I'm careful about who I tell. I'm not wearing a sign or just telling everyone I come across what I have. But sometimes it comes up. Last summer there was a guy who was showing interest ( which pretty much never happens) we talked a few times, then exchanged numbers, then started hanging out a few times, talking daily, even when I moved out of the city for the summer. Once he came to my city for work and we decided to have dinner. during dinner I was comfronted with a compulsion I was struggling with at that time and I tried to descreetly work through it, but he noticed and commented on how it was kind of weird. So I explained what was going on not in a lot of detail... but just I do this because- so it's something I'm working on. After a rather pregnant silence he asked for the cheque drove me home, and I never heard from him again.
those are just a few instances but... how do some of you deal with the stigma? how do you decided who to tell or do you tell anyone at all?
How do you explain it to someone?
I just..
I want to be able to have relationships with people, to have a trust there. Like sometimes I feel like if I don't tell someone I care about or deal with on a regular basis, that I'm lying to them through omission. But at the same time I've been pushed away and left or judged when people find out.
I Know right now that I have to make sure people are held at a certain distance from me because I'm scared of that moment when they'll find out and then what the reaction will be. I want Love and friendships but I'm afraid that they'll find out about the monster inside me and what that will mean for them.
Has anyone else gone through this? worry about this?

[Paisleegreen]

I notice this hasn't been answered, I sympathize with what you wrote and I plan on rereading it. I'm rather tired tonight and can't concentrate. But you're not forgotten. Paislee

[Nanner823]

I worry about this all the time. Its not a plague we can't pass it on, and yet in a way I am ashamed of it.

[TheTimeIsNow]

Worrying about what other people think is also part of anxiety. It really doesn't matter what other people think. What other people think is not going to help you get better. But that comes with time. And the older you get, you don't care what people think. But at the same time, the older you get, the more you realize how many people you know that suffer with this. Also, trust takes time. It takes time to build a friendship on trust. I don't tell everybody that I suffer with anxiety, but at the same time, I don't hide it. The way I look at it, everyone suffers from anxiety. So, I may tell someone that I suffer from anxiety, but I don't tell them all of my obsessive thoughts that I have. Personally, I used to hide it, but that would cause more anxiety because I would always worry about having a panic attack in front of someone that didn't know. So I would avoid people that didn't know. But that made my world smaller and smaller. So I just started telling people that I suffer from anxiety and I'm working on it. And I usually just leave it at that. That's why this peer support is so cool because you can be so honest with this and have support. I know this sounds kind of corny, but I want to reach through the computer and hug each and every one of you and tell you it's going to be okay. I know how you all feel because I've been there myself and am on the road to recovery. I hope this helps.

[OneMoreTry]

Hi! I just started the program yesterday. I've suffered with depression most of my life (since about grade 3 - I'm 52 now).

I know what you're taking about when it comes to trust. I'm not sure if people who are prone to depression/anxiety are more sensitive to betrayals/rejection due to their past experience or what exactly is going on. Maybe I'll find some answers with this program. For most of my life, I've felt like I've been living behind glass, like I just couldn't get a connection; not because I wasn't willing or open but because the other couldn't. They had/have their own stuff to deal with. It's been my experience that most people don't want to hear or deal with the challenges & the hard stuff. Just keep everything superficial. I want to commend you on being honest with that guy. You are a very brave person. Most people (not just us suffering with depression/anxiety) struggle with having the courage to show their insides because rejection is the risk. You had the guts to tell him. He didn't have the balls to tell you what was going on with him (perhaps, he's struggling with his own stuff and felt that persuing a relationship with you would overwhelm him - who knows?). I guess what I'm trying to say (very badly here) is that it's easy to think that it's you - and its NOT. There could be a ton of reasons why what happened did. And, yes, I do understand that when it keeps happening over and over, it's easy to think that it's you (& some people will try to convince you that it's you). You're not responsible for other's behaviour - only your own.

Maybe we can help each other remember this so we don't get sucked into the vortex.

[dvm0071]

For starters Plastic_Starlight you don't have a monster inside of you. We are really great people and we need to realize that.
Its just that some people are ignorant and do not know that it is just a mind set and that with support and love we can control this.
Let me tell you something, I was married for 24 years and just about 1 year ago we separated and we are now going for a divorce. I have always tried to be there for my family but after my mother was killed in an car accident, lost my job because of a lower back injury and our daughter getting cancer ( all in 3 years), I was about ready to loss my mind. My wife said that I was not there for the family but she does not know what I was going through, I tried to tell her how I felt but to no avail. I do not blame her for leaving, I am hard to live with and I know that but what really hurt was that she told me that it was all my fault that our marriage did not work. Don't get me wrong she is a good person and we still get along, we have 2 children and still do things together.
About 8 to 9 months after being separated, a girl that I knew from a boarding school saw that I had put separated on my FB profile. I found out that she was quite excited to see that because she really want to connect with me. Things never worked out in school cuz she is 2 years older then me. I contacted with me and WOW my life has changed. She saw the issues I was having and tried to help. In fact she is the one that found this program for me, she is very special to me. She will stand beside me as long as I'm trying cuz she doesn't want to give up on me.
Plastic_Starlight what I'm trying to say if that if a person can't except you with your good and bad (challenges) then they are the losers cuz we are very special people and they are the ones that are losing. People want easy but life is not easy sometimes you need to fight for what you want. The people that except you for who you are are the true friends and partners.
Plastic_Starlight don't try to fit into anyone's box you be yourself and that special person will find you and see the value in you no matter if there are some issues or not. They will stand by you and encourage you, I have found that to be true.
Hang in there Plastic_Starlight.

[Plastic_Starlight]

Hey guys,
It's been a while since I've checked in. Today I'm glad that I did.
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. Its great to know that there are people out there who ACTUALLY understand what I'm talking about. you probably know exactly how much that knowledge means. I'm also glad to see there are those out there who are way ahead of me. Progressing, getting better. It gives me hope.

I want to be like that one day, you know?! To be above the emotions and crazy anxious thoughts. To not exhaust myself making sure I'm undercontrol and not weirding people out.
it's really late where I am, so I'll have to come back for a more thurough reply. there was so much good stuff posted. but I wanted to make sure I said thank you.
Man,I hope they get the chatroom up soon. I'd love to start getting to know people and give/get support.
anyway, thank you again. for the first time in over a month I don't feel like I'm stranded in the middle of nowhere, with no one looking for me.

~Night