Hello all of you SOO's. Sorry that I haven't written. I do watch the thread to see if anyone is posting and nobody seems to be posting lately. This really is an amazing thread and it holds so much value to me. Starting over, and admitting the need to start over and really make the effort to get it right, no matter what the pace, is priceless. Here's one should've thought that I'm sure so many people have felt on this website that have given up for one reason or another: After spending so much money on this program, I should've taken the time to finish it or should've started back up again because I stopped for a reason. Sometimes the realizations of some of the things that are spoken of on this site really can bring a lot of things to the surface. For me personally, I've learned more about myself this time around then I did before I gave it up the first time. This time I really opened my mind to the fact that I do have some issues of my own that need addressing. Placing the blame on a spouse or a loved one for your anxiety and not looking inside yourself, to me, can be a mistake. Never once did I think that I had anxiety, or even depression issues. Now, in a way, I'm scared but optimistic at the same time. I'm scared because I've learned about the problems that I do have, and I'm identifying more all the time. I'm also optimistic, because no matter how many issues I come up with, there will always be support here on this site, and nobody judges me. We're all accepted equally. That's awesome. So, it is always great to hear from people who are going through similar issues. But, it's also great if someone can read these posts and say to themselves ' hey, I am strong enough to start again and no one will think bad of me for stopping to begin with'. Even if you don't post, but find the inner strength to start back up again on the program, then we've done some good. I'm going to continue to post. I had been telling everyone about my sleep problems and the frustration involved with such horrible sleep. Last night I had a sleep study done to determine if I had sleep apnea. What a strange experience for me. All of those wires attached to me all over the place was quite stress producing in itself. How can you sleep in such a situation anyway? They want you to sleep like you would at home so they can figure out why you're having such difficulty sleeping. I slept like crap and my mind felt like it was racing the whole time. The nurse told me that I had three rem periods and I can't remember falling asleep once. Then, in the morning when I was done, I had to rush home and get the sticky stuff out of my hair that they use to attach the electrodes and try to get to work, which I was an hour late. So, there wasn't much relaxation involved. It'll take two weeks to get the results and let everyone know what they come up with. If it's sleep apnea, then I guess they prescribe you this oxygen machine so you can breathe at night. My sleep has been so bad for so many years, I hope that it's this simple. Maybe someone else has been through a similar experience and might like to share. I could use some input. All right, I've said enough for now. It's bedtime and the anxiety starts to build. I'm so tired and I know that I'll fall right to sleep. I also know that I'll be waking up shortly. And again in a couple more hours. It's quite a vicious circle. But, on a positive note, that sleep study was a step towards the healing process and I will finally find a solution. Positive thoughts. Here's another one, I really consider myself lucky to have found such wonderful, insightful people who want to help on this website. For that, I am truly blessed. Great continued healing to all of us and God bless you all. Matt
Hi Dianne. Nice to see you again online. I didn't see the "Ode to GirlWisdom", but I'd like to. Where abouts is it on here? What thread? Thanks for letting me know. Hope you are all doing well. If not, let's talk! Sherrie, I hope your feeling better too.
Sometimes it's so frustrating putting your faith in doctors, hoping that they have your best interest at heart. The waiting itself is quite anxiety producing in itself. In the meantime, my sleep is horrible. Hopefully I'll get some results in the next day or two and I'll let everyone know my next step. I've begun session six about anger. I know that I have a temper but I never considered myself an angry man. It seems as though I can go back many years in my life and recall so many ocassions where I should have really lost my cool and I just held it in. Maybe I felt as though it was smarter to use my brain than my temper to get me through a situation. In the position that I'm in at work, I believe that if you let a situation get the best of you and you lose your temper, then all of your employees see that you can't keep your cool and you've shown a weak spot that can be exploited and used against you. But, on the other hand, perhaps if I'd actually stood up and really rattled some cages, then maybe they wouldn't think that I'm a marshmallow man. A different weak spot, so to speak. Life outside of work isn't really that much different. In certain life situations, I realize that perhaps I should have acted with much more anger than I did. And, it has cost me. It's cost me financially, it's cost me some trust from my wife, who isn't sure if I'm going to stand up for us when we're getting screwed, and it's cost me personally with self esteem issues. I even wonder myself if I'll be able to stand up the next time. I hate to consider myself as passive. My customers think I'm very strong and I'm very well respected by them. I'm trying very hard to recognize when I'm getting screwed over and speak up. Maybe I just want to keep the peace and work things out without anyone getting hurt. I do find that I've done that in my marriage for many years. So many times I'll just clam up rather than really saying what I feel. Hurting her is something I honestly try not to do. She may not agree with that, because I do have a sharp tongue, and although I'm not screaming angry, my words are very precise and I know how to strike a chord. Lucinda is very right though, when she says that anger is (here we go again) another addictive behavior. I am addicted to reacting in the way that I've always acted when I'm angry. I feel the frustration and know that I need to act on it. My dad is easy going like that, but my mom is just the opposite. Funny, my dad usually wins, I think, but my parents have been screwed over many times when my dad should have stood up. I wonder if my mom wonders that same way that my wife does about whether or not he's going to stand up the next time they're getting screwed over. That feeling that your spouse may not have faith in your actions makes you question your own values and question your own judgment every time. All right, enough about anger for now. I'm quite sure that I'll have more oppurtunities to express myself in that manner in the future. Just in a intelligent manner, not explosive. I have to try really hard to find a happy medium between the two. I'm really glad to write again tonight. I need to write more often. This life 's journey through the stress center has been quite revealing of myself, hopefully for the best. Sometimes you have to make a mess to clean up a mess. Good luck to all of you out there and good continued healing. Matt :p