Hi..My name is Darlene. I have had this program for a little less than a year and it has helped tremendously especially to understand where the negative thoughts come from whether its from a chemical imbalance, what you are eating, and being able to analyze myself and understanding where it all comes from. I went a a couselor about 10 years ago and her thing was to put me on medication and I felt better but it never defined anything. But in any event..the thing that frustrates me is that I am extremely hard on myself...I don't feel like I have a right to feel crappy..there are people out there who just loss there homes in a flood or fire or lived through 911 personally..and hear I sit can't get through the little life changing event of making a career change or moving out of my parents after 36 years. Part of trying to accept myself is understanding that alot of this anxiety that I feel comes from the way that I was raised. It was a very hostile environment..my father is not the easiest person to get along with....I never had friends come over to the house or felt comfortable doing so..when I was 8 we were in a car accident and my father was put on disability for the next 30 years..my mother had to work. My brother and I would just go to school and come home we never knew if he was going to be in a good mood or bad mood...going to family functions almost always ended coming home to a fight between my mother and father because someone in the extended family didn't act the right way..so eventually holidays would stop..I was never encouraged to do any activites such as girl scouts or tee ball, soccer..I guess my parents always felt that it was suppose to be just the four of us. I never felt comfortable going home and discussing my feeling with them..I remember when I got a job in Pathmark right out of high school I didn't like it..I didn't know how to tell my mom so I wrote her a letter...or I got into a fender bender in NJ and I had my friend call to tell them..everything was ok at first but when I got home I got yelled at..it was only a busted tail light...
School was my way out..it was a place I could go to and be good at something..so I went to a community college and got my associates..then it wasn't enough for me cause i didn't have any friends so I went to a smaller college in the area and got my BA in business..and made a couple of friends that I still keep in contact with..worked in a bank for 7 years till I decided that it wasn't what I wanted and wanted to make more money...so decided to update my computer skills by joning a 1 year program..went home and told my parents only to get yelled at becuase they couldn't understand why I got my BA and needed more schooling...they didn't have to pay for any of it..i took the loans out all on my own..got a job the following year as an Administrative Assistant- made a really great friend there that sometimes i would get to dependant on cause I never had that type of friend before..someone to talk to whether good or bad and still be my friend. but she has to pull alot out of me..I'm not the best communicator...7 years later I felt that I wasn't doing what I really wanted to..I enjoy helping people and so I decided to be a continuing ed instructor...got to work with a former instructor of mine at the computer school an taught "how to sell on ebay" throughout various high schools..would always have the little anxiety before class side as I got but then it would subside as I got going..I enjoyed teaching gave me much satisfaction at the end of every class..so decided to go back to school again and got my Masters in Education...worked full-time, went to school and received my masters. great accomplishment for me...but now I have to do something with it...I'm single- can't afford to go out on my own living in NY so I bought a house in PA..so still living with my parents for 3 more years I decided that i needed more of a scoial life and to do that I had to either live in NY full-time or PA full time. So I took on a subbing position in PA and made the move...I couldn't tell my parents though made my brother do that while I was teaching an ebay class..pretty sad huh..so in August I moved.
It turns out that being a substitute teacher on a single income probably is not the best thing to do..ive had issues with my car, i just couldn't keep up...it seems everything happend all in this year of leaving a good paying job...and keeping my emotions in check is a challenge in it self..I've been collecting unemployment for the year Its the only consistant thing for me to make my mortgage payments..I've been looking for positions as an Administrative assistant, I just want a full time job and all the other things will help to fall into place...
the frustrating part is that I am ok and at my best when I am helping others but when it comes to myself I crumble, i get into such a state that I don't know what to do and I am constantlly looking to my best friend for guidance and its extremely frustrating..I'm my own worst enemy..I got a call for an interview and woke up in the morning finding it very difficult to go but I did and trembled the whole time filling out the application...thought it went ok..but I didn't get the job.. I know that in my mind I can do this and I can achieve anything..its a matter of getting out there and doing it.and worring if I will be good enough..I feel like a lost puppy just trying to find my way...I feel like I am 38 years old and should have been going through this in my 20's and I feel thet I got jipt as a kid because I wasn't given the tools to function throughtout life. not sure of how to get passes the frustration...and now I feel that now I have this one friend that has been through this how much more can she take....sometime I don't like being with me how could I expect that others should...
Frustrated
Re: Frustrated
Hi there, yeah sounds like you are very hard on yourself....and I think I heard you "should" on yourself in there. Cut it out! 
I had a counselor that always told me to say that "I will not should on myself". It helps me a lot to listen to self-help motivational CD's. Like you , for me money is tight so I go to the library and get whatever I can to help along with doing the program. The Shad Helmstetter book is very good to change those negative thoughts around. It is called "what to say when you talk to yourself". I got Louise Hay self -esteem affirmations and I listen to it everyday and I am even writing my own affirmations on index cards to refer to during the day.
I think it is great that you got your own place and moved out. Be gentle on yourself. This is a transitional time and you are getting through this. I was well into my thirties when I was able to have the confidence to move out and like you I beat myself up over it instead of celebrating my progress. I am learning these are old familiar habits we have reinforced with our thinking for years and years. The good news is that we can change our thinking. This is powerful. It is work and it is do-able.
I had a counselor that always told me to say that "I will not should on myself". It helps me a lot to listen to self-help motivational CD's. Like you , for me money is tight so I go to the library and get whatever I can to help along with doing the program. The Shad Helmstetter book is very good to change those negative thoughts around. It is called "what to say when you talk to yourself". I got Louise Hay self -esteem affirmations and I listen to it everyday and I am even writing my own affirmations on index cards to refer to during the day.I think it is great that you got your own place and moved out. Be gentle on yourself. This is a transitional time and you are getting through this. I was well into my thirties when I was able to have the confidence to move out and like you I beat myself up over it instead of celebrating my progress. I am learning these are old familiar habits we have reinforced with our thinking for years and years. The good news is that we can change our thinking. This is powerful. It is work and it is do-able.