Not sure how long this has been going on......

[mjachrispms]

I am a 42yr old widow with 4 children, 2 of them still living at home. When I look back, I think it probably all started when my mother passed away about 7 years ago, then a year later my brother passed away, then 2 years after that my father passed away. I guess final blow was when my husband was killed in a car accident 2 1/2 years ago. I was so overwhelmed...he was my life. We did everything as a couple and also as a family. It all seems like a blur now(his death)...because what really stands out is that I had to step up and take care of everything....We were in the process of doing some major work on our home..and when he passsed away all of that came to a hault. I had to make the decision of moving or staying in our home and making the repairs. I chose to move because financially that was the best choice. I moved my family from the country into town. We ended up selling the property and having an auction. This took place in a matter of 4 months after his death. I guess I was so busy with everything that I really didnt have time to think about anything.....Now 2 1/2 years later I am feeling so overwhelmed with emotions......I cant think straight ...I used to brag about being a multitasker, but these days I am lucky to accomplish just one thing that I start in a day. I find myself being anxious for no reason. Before all of this started to overwhelm me I did go out and start dating again and met someone who is so good to me. He is supporting me in this journey trying to cope with this.....we have went through some rough patches but he always is there to help me. I am just at that point where I am ready to move on ....I'm tired of feeling out of control. I'm ready to ge my oldself back!

[Ruben T.]

I'm glad to hear that mjachrispms, this is great progress that many of us will achieve when we have each other to support one another and to never give up and tell ourselves "WE DESERVED TO BE HAPPY AND LIVE OUR LIVES TO THE FULLEST". I am sorry to hear all your misfortune and I can understand where you come, I also lost a member of my family who brought such pain towards my life and family and after all this time flew by, I finally forgive him,I decided to move on and told myself that I want to be happy and live life. You deserved to be happy mjachrispms, if you want to dance then dance, if you want to laugh then laugh, Don't feel guilty for living in the present and don't relive your past. I am not saying to forget about your loved ones who may rest in peace, no, I am saying to cherish your new life, beginnings, moments, because it is now you realize the past is done and theres absolutely nothing you can do about it but moving forward, towards your new joyful life.
Best of luck with your new love and life
You deserved it

[sunnyw/chanceofstorm]

Wow MJ,
Your story is very sad but very inspiring! If you can even think about pulling yourself up, ...well I don't know how to say it as eloquently as I'd like...but it gives me hope. YOU give me hope!

It sounds as if your anxiety came on like a freight train, like mine did. I was 28 years old, newly married for 2 years. My brother and his then girlfriend were having a heated argument that was turning physical in the presence of her children. This brought back so many memories of my childhood.

My parents abused alcohol and fought from the very beginning, I think. I remember starting the first grade and wanting so bad to know if my family was "normal"; if other kids experienced the fear that one parent would end the others life. On one hand I certainly hoped that it was a rare phenomena; but on the other, I didn't want to be alone. But since I was ashamed and afraid to find out, I was alone regardless.

I remember feeling that it was my responsibility to keep my brother (age 4) safe when I was only 6 yrs old. I learned to find the police number in the front of the phone book in school. I tried this once and it worked in that instance but didn't change anything in the long run. I also remember calling my grandmother at that age. She came over and harshly scolded my parents and took us to spend the night with her. I love my grandmother!

Still it persisted. We moved to the country and I remember being so excited thinking that things would change. They didn't. My cousins suggested jumping on my Dad's back, pulling his hair, ect. We were quickly scolded and sent to our room. Finally we resorted to sitting in the closet with our fingers in our ears, just hoping and praying. What a sad, scary way to grow up! They finally divorced when I was 12 and everyone was sooo "sorry". Then I felt guilty for being happy about the divorce.
I am learning now that physically, it wasn't as bad as it seemed. There was only one hospital visit and it was for a bruised tailbone; however, my mom did say that my dad purposely caused her to miscarry by kicking her in the stomache, so I guess it was pretty bad.
Anyways, long story short, those experiences, as hard as they are to overcome, have taught us valuable lessons and made us more compassionate people. And you are right, it IS time to stand erect and move forward! I hope to talk to you soon in session 2. Thank you for sharing! Let's keep moving!

[Paisleegreen]

I wonder why my posting didn't get posted. I'll wait and see. paislee