Off meds.after 20 yrs.

KRISTEN · Post by **KRISTEN** » Sat Nov 22, 2008 4:47 pm

Hi all ~ I am hoping that somebody can tell me some storys that I can relate to because I am surely losing my mind.

Heres my story and i`ll try to make it brief cause I hate long stories.
I am now off meds. for the second time in 20 yrs. The first time I only lasted 6 mos.
This time its been a 9 mos.
My world is feeling smaller again cause i`m finding it harder to go shopping by myself again. I`m trying to work through this.
My emotions are errupting like a volcano in every different direction.(probably normal) considering being on meds. so many yrs.
Just recently watched my son on my space just searching for old friends. My girls been on there for years never cared or had an interest in looking for people or having one(my space).
So something hit me and I just thought I would see if I could find some old friends(why)I have NO idea (never cared before)! So I go for days trying to think of names of people I used to know.To the point of keeping me up at night.
Going through memories about people and stuff I used to do. Then it hit me like a sledge hammer were did all those years go? I feel like I have been lost and just woke up. This is the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me.
Then the only person I found on my space was my first boyfriend of 15(wow) it said he was 48 i`m thinking ugggggh (why i`m 44) of course he`s 48. I guess you don`t see yourself as getting old when you look at your face in the mirror everyday. I looked at his pics and thought OMG ! I still have 1 picture of us from 30 yrs. ago and wow what a difference.
So I just keep going back and reviewing my life,
It`s making me nuts!!! I am crying alot and feel tired all the time.Like these memories are wearing me out. Is this normal? Have any of you gone through this? I really don`t care that i`m 44. I think i`m ok with this. I have a great life,3 great kids and a wonderful husband of 11 yrs. Why this, and why now?????????

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Nov 22, 2008 5:32 pm

Hi kristen. I'm 43 and I've gone through the same thing. It's like you've missed out on so much. I use to wonder how my life would have been like if it hadn't been for this disorder. But I learned to try not to go back there because the future is what's important and it will be great. As Lucinda said "We have to stay in the present". You are going to get through this, we just have to stay positive and keep at the program. I know it's difficult but when become nostalgic and sentimental, we have to just stop ourselves and just thank GOD for what we do have. And if we really think about it, we have a lot of good stuff going on, and a lot of good people in our lives.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Nov 23, 2008 2:48 am

It may be the Holidays coming up. For some reason I get very nostalgic and seem to review my life a lot at this time of the year. I can remember saying to myself at one time "Where did my life go? It just seems like yesterday I was 21 and getting married!" One year I brought out all my photos from the time I was a baby up until now- college, relatives, ex husbands, ex boyfriends and all. Sometimes it's cathartic, and sometimes we can get 'stuck' there in the past and we will need to jump out of the circle. When I went off meds I can remember having a flood of overwhelming feelings that the meds had masked. My first reaction was that I wanted to go back on them because I didn't want to feel all that stuff, but I didn't, and I started this program instead. Don't let it scare you, and don't give up. It may be that your anxiety is searching for an outlet, and past memories is what it found.

Josh04 · Post by **Josh04** » Sun Nov 23, 2008 5:57 am

Thank you sooooooo much for your replys!
I guess I need to stop dwelling on it and let it go. I have been on such an emotional rollercoaster this week it has scared the crap out of me.I have been so distraught I have been thinking about going back on meds. But i`m thinking maybe these feelings need to get out.
Maybe this is just a growth spurt. Medicine keeps me stable but It could not be good to keep your feelings supressed. I Never even cry when i`m on meds. Girl`s are supposed to cry sometimes. So I will keep you posted on my progress and Thanks again!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Nov 23, 2008 6:47 am

I am med free for a little over four months now after being on meds for 16 years. I do "feel" now and I'm learning in the program that I am all that I need to be safe. I am my own safe place. Each time I am faced with an issue, I work on facing the fear and doing what I need to. Each hurdle that I cross does help me to feel proud of myself and I venture off a little more without being as afraid. (most of the time) pinkee

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Nov 23, 2008 6:30 pm

Thanks pinkee, That is soooooo cool that you are so close to me in the years on meds. and to hear you are doing well! I am so happy for you and it gives me hope that I can stay med.free
I like emotions they are a good thing! I have been alot out of sorts lately but i`m thinking it`s going to pass.