Positive feedback on anti depressants please!!
So in October (Or maybe sooner if there are any cancelations) I am going to see a psychiatrist. If any of you know me somewhat you'll know I have a HUGE fear of anti-depressants. The biggest thing I am afraid of is that it says it may give you suicidal thoughts. This freaks me out! ! ! ! Mostly because ine of my fears is " What if I kill myself??" I don't want to and never will. . But what if the medicine makes me think this. I feel like i wont have any control. Anyway, I am probably going to start taking an anti depressant when I see her and I am scared YET a little hopeful too. I want this stuff to work for me. I know its not a miracle drug. I would just like it to take the edge off or something. SO, can anyone please tell me any success stories with anti depressants. Anything positive at all. . because believe me i already know the negative about them. Thank you.
"Come to me, all who are tired from carrying heavy loads, and I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28)"
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Guest
Hey. Let me tell you a little about antidepressants adn my experience. When I was in medical school about 7-8 years ago (yes, i'm a doctor, but please discuss all your concerns with a psychiatrist, as I am not one and this is just my experience, not medical advice), I went on paxil 20 mg to help me with severe anxiety and seconday depression. (if you want, you can read my whole story in the august peer support under "HOLA".) I was on this dose for a while when I realized that the sexual side effects are more pronounced at that dose. I slowly weaned down to 10 mg, where I stayed for quite a while therafter. Let me tell you, I owe so much to that drug. When I first went on it, the psychiatrist told me that pretty soon, and it usually takes 4-6 weeks to recieve a benifit from the drug, that I would start to feel better and look back on the time when I was feeling bad adn say "wow, I can't believe I even felt that way". She was right. It was a gradual process, but eventually I felt way better. I stayed on 10 mg ( a low dose) for my entire residency program which I finished in June. I then went off of the drug, now I'm 44 days off, and I;m dealing with much of the anxiety that I never resolved at that time. So I'll say this. Do not beat yourself up for going on it. These drugs help. You want to feel better, period. It is not a sign of weakness, you will get through this time in your life. You will. Its great that you are doing this program so you can change the negative and obsessive thinking habits that you and all of us with anxiety and depression suffer from. And being on the drug will help you accomplish this easier, because in my experience, that type of thinking just didn't seem to be there while on the drug, and you may be able to concentrate on the positive easier. I was able to function tremendously on paxil even in the midst of very stressful times in residency. It was a complete success for me...I just wish I conqured my way of thinking during that time, as you may be able to.
JRB
JRB
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Guest
LOL, I like that name "johnny roastbeef" - hahah, I made roast beef for supper the other nite for me & hubby, hahah. 
DEAR HOLLY
Sometimes, when we're caught up in the process of recovery, we can't see the forest fr the trees + we can't see of ourselves, what others can - looking fr the outside in. You are being very responsible + courageous + pro-active + strong about your RECOVERY. I know it doesn't fully seem/feel that way being you're in the midst of it all - but YOU ARE. You see, you are fighting it. You post on here constantly - to gain support + to seek knowledge so that you can become better equipped to help you help yourself: you want help + recovery & you're moving heaven & earth to find it = you are taking the very necessary steps one needs to in order to recover. You have the program & are doing it - YOU'RE WORKING IT GIRL. You initiated therapy w/ a psychiatrist. Again, all these things/steps you HOLLY are taking equate to you HOLLY wanting recovery + not settling + fighting the feelings that both anxiety disorder & depression make you feel & hell doing it anyway - you are being PRO-ACTIVE & that is key = you want to feel better & you're taking action. See Holly, you are recovering, learning, growing.
I have heard it fr literature I've read + fr my own psychiatrist - when you "fear" something so, you are less inclined to follow through w/ it. It is when that ACT(suicide) seems CALMING + SOOTHING + A BETTER ALTERNATIVE - that it is frightening & dangerous. Depression is a frightening thing(I won't & can't lie). It creates what I refer to as an alternate universe, lol. Seriously, depression creates a STATE OF BEING - 1 so cumulatively NEGATIVE & it's so subtle that you don't realize it is happening. Depression will effect the way you think + act + react - it will try to SERIOUSLY DISTORT the reality of you + your life + all the friends & family THAT DO LOVE YOU + your recovery, etc. IT IS ALL LIES. It is all exagerated LIES Holly - God be my witness. Depression will TRY to deplete you of your will + energy + good character + enthusiasm + drive - YOU JUST DON'T LET IT.
I am not a MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL - I AM NOT A PSYCHIATRIST. So, b/4 I tell ya my quick experience w/ depression Holly - I tell you this: <span class="ev_code_RED">yes, it is great to know you have the support here at these StressCenter.com forums & chat - esp w/ a condition that doesn't always feel good. The folks here on this site are some of the most wonderful + supportive + kind + friendly folks you will ever meet. However, pls bare in mind - a lot of them are in the midst of recovery too. W/ that said, as it pertains to MED'S - I advise you go to the medical professionals for all your DEEPLY CONCERED QUESTIONS. Don't be afraid - this is you + your life + your recovery. Make a list of all the questions you have - go ask your psychiatrist + your reg dr + your pharmacist = they are there to help you help yourself HEAL/RECOVER/FEEL BETTER.</span> I'm not necessarily saying to not ask anything regarding med's here. I'm just simply saying you are different than she/he/they/them - you are you = HOLLY. So, what will/won't work for you will differ than she/he/they/them. In addition, when you are in the midst of anxiety disorder & depression, we will feel uncertain + insecure - & our mental/emotional judgement may be a little impaired & as a result our opinions aren't always SOUND. You want the advice you get + you want the professionl & medical guidance you get - to be fr the professionals - where their opinions to you - their advice to you IS NOT CLOUDED by their very own anxiety disorder & depression.
MY EXPERIENCE W/ DEPRESSION & MEDICATION:
I have never ever had major depression until now. I was diagnosed w/ MAJOR DEPRESSION in MARCH 2007. My depression was termed SITUATIONAL/CIRCUMSTANTIAL depression. I had spent the PRIOR 2 YEARS recovering fr anxiety disorder. That recovery process in & of itself required that I be home + not be able to work + spend a lot of time alone for all the people I know worked(hubby/family/friends, etc) + face my childhood & some tough things + face myself. My getting depression, having faced & felt what I needed to, was a forgone conclusion - I just didn't understand it as that @ THE TIME. I understand NOW why I got depression.
I had recovered fr anxiety disorder. I was no longer on any meds for anxiety or sleep deprivation. So, in I think DEC/JAN of 2007, I GRADUATED fr therapy = I did't have to go anymore. Sure, during the therapy time - I felt a little depression - nothing major at all. I had control over it. Unbeknownst to me, however, it was escalating - as I emotionally & mentally was coming to TERMS W/ MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCES & FACTS. In March 2007, my hubby came home fr work. NOw, I luv him - after 11 yrs of marriage that man still gives me butterflies in my belly - when he kisses my neck - yeah, I still get tingly like(you can vomitt now, lol lol). I genuinely like spending time w/ him. Well, that day back in MARCH 2007 - he came home fr work. IT HAD NO EFFECT ON ME WHAT SO EVER - none/silch/nada. It was like(I'm being very very honest here) "oh well, who cares + no big deal + so what". Seeing him didn't make me smile + get giddy or happy as is normal & REAL FOR ME. I felt so emotionally & physically sad/dwn/discouraged/sick - he being in my presence didn't matter. We went out right after he got home. Now, I had been periodically discussing my depressed feelings w/ him - to keep him abreast - so that he, emotionally sound - would know. However & again, I always had control in the past - I was able to keep it at bay - so, both he & I were never alarmed. That day, again, we went out - to the gym. I was just initiating some real & consistant exercising(walking on treadmil) to get healthy + lose weight, etc. We started to do our own thing @ the gym. I felt so TOTALLY + COMPLETELY dwn + depleted + sick - I actually felt like vommiting + I was crying bad bad bad bad on the treadmill. Being around all those folks at the gym & my hubby had no effect on me - I felt like they weren't even there + it did't matter + there was NO HOPE. I immediately walked over to hubby - who noticed something. I told him - "we need to leave right now - I feel sick & I think I need to call the psychiatrist immediately - I am afraid of what this THING is making me feel & think." I cld the psychiatrist's office in the parking lot. They FIT ME IN FOR AN APPT that Monday(it was THURS NITE). I told my hubby in the parking lot, "I need to go back to therap & I think I need a depression medication. That sat - got so bad(all the same previously mentioned things)- I cld the psychiatrist on a sat - it was snowing. He couldn't do anything - but tell me he will see me Mond - he questioned if I wanted to hurt myself - I told him no(cause I didn't) - it's just the totality of what depress was making me feel was very OVERWHELMING. That Mond - I went back to therapy.
Now, my psychiatrist is not 1 who will prescribe a med @ immediate will. Heck, lol - he's like the FBI & CIA combined. For almost 2 hrs - he grilled me - inside & out = every question you could think of - he asked - specifically as it pertained to EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING & FEELING. I told him, "I think I need to consider a depress medication". I too GRILLED HIM, lol - chk me out right, hahahah
I then told him, "ok, I will take a med. However, if I am - we're gonna GO THERE. We are gonna go to all the places that are the reasons behind why I am depressed. I worked too damn hard to get myself to a place where I can admit what I'm thinking & feeling - to just allow depress to take that fr me. I have no intention what so ever to be on depress med's for life. So, we together are gonna do the work here." I was not & never was a complacent woman. I am not the type of woman/person who would sit back & just simply take his word for something OR take whatever he says w/o my own decision = "ok give me whatever" - if I needed the med - I needed & wanted to address the why's behind it so that I could heal/recover - so that I wouldn't need to take it forever. I wouldn't be happy to just take the med & not to any work.
Now, again, I never had major depression b/4 - nor have I ever taken a med for it b/4. I had fears as well. The only thing I've ever taken(prior to this journey) in my life was either antibiotic for cold OR advil for menstrual cramps honest. I had fears cause not only did I not fully understand depress & the required meds - I also grew up in an area where drugs were rampant. Now, back then I didn't know what drugs these folks were taking - I was little. I did see, as I was growing up, these wonderful people decline into the pits of drug addiction HELL. I've seen college educated folks w/ careers - lose it all cause of illegal & prescribed drug use. I didn't know a lot growing up(you know how we pretend to KNOW IT ALL - but we really know jack booty squat) - I just knew I DIDN'T WANT TO BECOME THEM + DIDN'T WANT TO LIVE THEIR LIVES AS A RESULT OF THEIR DRUG USE + I SWORE IT WOULD NEVER BE ME. So, I feared the unknown - I feared becoming them - more important, I FEARED KNOWING I NEEDED HELP - THAT THIS "THING" WAS THAT SERIOUS. My needing that SERIOUS HELP for my DEPRESSION scared me.
Fortunately, I had 3 great things on my side: 1) our God, 2) my psychiatrist w/ over 30+ yrs experience, & what I would realize + accept + appreciate, 3) I had ME. The anxiety disorder recovery journey dictated that I get to know myself + trust myself + love myself. So that, having recovered fr anxiety disorder - I could HEAR MY INNER VOICE = MY GUT = MY "GOD" VOICE - I could trust myself - listen to myself, not what the ailments were trying to tell me. Depression, as I said earlier, was trying to make me THINK + FEEL + BELIEVE all the wrong things. Depression attempted to COMPLETELY/TOTALLY deplete me of my energy + drive + will + enthusiasm + belief system - & replace it w/ <span class="ev_code_RED">discouragement + lack of self love/empathy/compassion - painting the world & all it entailed for ME - gray/black/doom/gloom/not loved/why bother w/ this that & the other thing, etc.</span> Little by little, whatever depression was making me feel - I DID THE OPPOSITE & EVEN IF FILLED W/ LACK OF ENERGY/WILL - damn, I got up & w/ tears in my eyes & aches in my body - I did it ANYWAY - I didn't listen to depression.
My taking a depress med was done so w/ a healthy & realistic viewpoint. My depression was heavy & weakening me in that I didn't have the total oomph to combat it & do the work needed to do in order to heal & recover fr it. I am a fighter - definitely not lazy = my recovery fr anxiety disorder proved that. I needed some help so I could do what I needed to do. I wasn't about to cut off my nose to spite my face - I needed help = I felt it in my body/heart/soul/spirit - when I'd go outside w/ the sun out & birds singing - feeling like I was the only person on earth & I couldn't feel the sun or hear them pretty birds singing. I KNEW I needed to do something. Depression was NOT about to take fr me what I worked 2 damn hard years to get: my inner peace + self love + love of life/family/friends + forgiveness + letting go = ALL GREAT THINGS. What did it for me, my deciding to take a depress med, is the level & severity of my depress & admitting I knew I needed help. I knew I wanted to do the work necessary & I needed to - I also knew I needed help getting there.
I had no experience w/ depress & I had the same STRONG FEARS as you mentioned. So, I fought like hell. I was always BLUNTY HONEST w/ myself on what I was thinking & feeling cause of the depress - I then also informed my therapist - so that he could help me + I also told my husband, daily, on what I was thinking & feeling - so that, if necessary- he could be THE RESPONSIBLE ONE - take over if I couldn't. Yes, my having to do all this was scary - it was also very responsible.
I attended therapy @ every scheduled appt - & I went there girl - no holds barred - I let it all out, whatever I was feeling & thinking - I even journaled at home to help me. This was homework & I was a depress recovery student, lol. My depression was hard/hell/scary - in what it was TRYING to make me feel/think - TRYING IS THE OPERATIVE WORD here. After I found the med right for me, it gave me the GRIP I needed to fight it. No, it didn't take all the depress away. It did give me that EDGE you refer to so I could do what was needed. It was hard @ x's & scary as well. I fought it w/ every single ounce of my being/soul/spirit. Every single day - in spite of what it was trying to tell me to HINK/FEEL/DO/ACT - I did the opposite. Even on most days when emotionally & physically I had nothing left - I FORCED myself to do the things in my gut, I know I should be doing: <span class="ev_code_RED">shower + get dressed in something nice even if I had no where specifically to go + put some perfume on + eat healthier + exercise a little something every day + reach out to people/family/friends via in person/email/telephone/im, etc - cause depress will try to make you ISOLATE YOURSELF w/o you even knowing it + force myself to watch funny movies - to force myself to laugh - its like cryptonite to depress let me tell you + read books + pampermyself: bubble bath/pedicure/hair appt + going shopping for that blouse I just don't need but got it anyway + went out to dinner w/ family or friends + surround myself w/ people who did't have depression so that I could be reminded daily that what depress was making me feel & think wasn't real + if I was having a tough day I cld someone to just get it out, but doing so w/o allowing myself to wallow or dwell & w/o having 1 massive pity party.</span>
EX: 1 day, on a fri - I was feeling kind of heavy hearted w/ the totality of my depress = dwn + disouraged + morbid + sad + lonely. I remembered this radio station here in NYC has this KISS THE WEEK GOODBYE THING on FRI'S - they play really really fun(make ya move your tushy) music for like 1/2 hr. So, I forced myself to go into the kitchen @ about 8am. Hubby had left for work already. I remembered telling myself(thinking) "oh it probably won't do anything". I said "B.S. I'm going to listen anyway". The 1st song came on & my butt started moving a little + then the next song, I felt myself singing a few words - HOLLY , by the 3rd song(honest) I wanted to dance & I told depression "the hell w/ you" & I got up & danced FOR ME - FOR MY SOUL/SPIRIT - CAUSE I WANTED TO FEEL GOOD. I sang off key & danced like someon tazered my butt - but I had fun & I felt alive.
I realized how much a healthy dietary intake & exercising would be to me healing fr depress. So, 2 or 3 mths after getting officially diagnosed w/ depression - I joined WEIGHT WATCHERS. I had gotten fat - @ 5'3 1/2, I weighed in@ 211.8. So, I began to learn to eat healthier+ combat my food issues in therapy + implement consistent exercising. 1 day, it as 4:00pm & I realized I didn't do much of anything. No, I had every reason & opportunity in the word to sleep in bed OR lay on the couch all day. I didn't - I could count on less than 1 HAND how many times I slept in bed cause of the tiredness fr depression. This day, upon realizing I had done squat - I forced myself to get up. Now, emotionally & physically I was depleted & hurting, REALLY BAD. To walk felt like I had 100's lbs metal chains on me, while simultaneously hitting a forcefield w/ every step I tried to take. I FORCED MYSELF & DID IT ANYWAY. I knew, in listening to my GUT - that it was depress making me feel & think these things - that if I didn' have depress I would do these things. Holly, w/ as much honestly as I could convey here: w/ tears literally rolling dwn my face that day - in physical pain w/ aches everywher - I got up. I put on shorts & a sports bra & I got on our treadmill. I started to walk slowly - it was hard, I was hurting & I was crying. I yelled - screamed @ IT & I said, "you shall not beat me. I am a child of God & he loves me & I love him. Jesus Christ claimed me a long time ago. W/ that, I walked for 30 min's.
It is acts such as that, above ^^^^^ = the DOING IT ANYWAY that creates THE MOTIVATION. Motivation comes fr DOING. It is also part of the iniation of healing fr depress. You trusting yourself - not depress & doing it anyway - you fighting it - cause you know in your gut YOU ARE WORTH IT - YOU LOVE YOURSELF.
17 mths after my having gotten diagnosed w/ major depression, I have accomplished many great things: I have created a lifestyle change = I eat healtier + exercise consistantly every day(something, anything - even a walk): <span class="ev_code_RED">I have lost a total of 70lbs thus far- I'm only 1.2 lbs away fr goal @ weight watchers!!!</span>My depression med dosage has been lowered several times as a result my work in therapy & @ home - now I am on the lowest dosage possible - the last step being my getting off meds completely. I returned to WORKING USA for the 1st time in almost 4 yrs & I am doing pretty darn well if I say so myself - never underestimate a paycheck w/ your name on it let me tell you, lol lo :p Most importantly, I am healing/growing/evolving as a person + woman & DEPRESSION IS LOSING ITS BATTLE W/ ME. Holly, I celebrated my 40th bday recently. We went out & did various things & took pictures during all of it. I was having coffee w/ hubby this morning - looking at those pictures. 1 in particular caught my eye. I was holding our puppy ginger(shih poo @ almost 1 yr old). I said to hubby, "wow, I like this. Not because I look cute, lol. Seriously, I see recovery in my eyes - I see my soul in those eyes & that sincerely happy smile on my face." Holly, right after I got diagnosed w/ depression, I recalled w/ hubby my meeting up w/ my best friend of 30 yrs. I recalled a pic I took w/ her youngest daughter. Sure, I was kind of/sort of smiling - but you could see depression in my eyes & you could tell the smile was hard fought - forcing it almost. However, when I looked @ that pic fr my 40th bday this morning - it told a different story - my SOUL & SPIRIT were finding sincere happiness again - something I had fought really hard for. It was happening to me.
I hope my story, if anything, conveys HOPE + INSPIRATION + POSSIBILITY to you Holly. That you don't let the fear rule you - that recovery fr depress is very possible - that there is hope out there. Keep doing what you're doing. Keep working the program + go to them therapy session - be honest w/ yourself & therapist - you too shall heal. Continue to take action in whatever way you can to heal fr depression - don't believe its lies - cause they are just that, LIES.
God Bless,
Your friend,
LENORE
DEAR HOLLY
Sometimes, when we're caught up in the process of recovery, we can't see the forest fr the trees + we can't see of ourselves, what others can - looking fr the outside in. You are being very responsible + courageous + pro-active + strong about your RECOVERY. I know it doesn't fully seem/feel that way being you're in the midst of it all - but YOU ARE. You see, you are fighting it. You post on here constantly - to gain support + to seek knowledge so that you can become better equipped to help you help yourself: you want help + recovery & you're moving heaven & earth to find it = you are taking the very necessary steps one needs to in order to recover. You have the program & are doing it - YOU'RE WORKING IT GIRL. You initiated therapy w/ a psychiatrist. Again, all these things/steps you HOLLY are taking equate to you HOLLY wanting recovery + not settling + fighting the feelings that both anxiety disorder & depression make you feel & hell doing it anyway - you are being PRO-ACTIVE & that is key = you want to feel better & you're taking action. See Holly, you are recovering, learning, growing.
I have heard it fr literature I've read + fr my own psychiatrist - when you "fear" something so, you are less inclined to follow through w/ it. It is when that ACT(suicide) seems CALMING + SOOTHING + A BETTER ALTERNATIVE - that it is frightening & dangerous. Depression is a frightening thing(I won't & can't lie). It creates what I refer to as an alternate universe, lol. Seriously, depression creates a STATE OF BEING - 1 so cumulatively NEGATIVE & it's so subtle that you don't realize it is happening. Depression will effect the way you think + act + react - it will try to SERIOUSLY DISTORT the reality of you + your life + all the friends & family THAT DO LOVE YOU + your recovery, etc. IT IS ALL LIES. It is all exagerated LIES Holly - God be my witness. Depression will TRY to deplete you of your will + energy + good character + enthusiasm + drive - YOU JUST DON'T LET IT.
I am not a MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL - I AM NOT A PSYCHIATRIST. So, b/4 I tell ya my quick experience w/ depression Holly - I tell you this: <span class="ev_code_RED">yes, it is great to know you have the support here at these StressCenter.com forums & chat - esp w/ a condition that doesn't always feel good. The folks here on this site are some of the most wonderful + supportive + kind + friendly folks you will ever meet. However, pls bare in mind - a lot of them are in the midst of recovery too. W/ that said, as it pertains to MED'S - I advise you go to the medical professionals for all your DEEPLY CONCERED QUESTIONS. Don't be afraid - this is you + your life + your recovery. Make a list of all the questions you have - go ask your psychiatrist + your reg dr + your pharmacist = they are there to help you help yourself HEAL/RECOVER/FEEL BETTER.</span> I'm not necessarily saying to not ask anything regarding med's here. I'm just simply saying you are different than she/he/they/them - you are you = HOLLY. So, what will/won't work for you will differ than she/he/they/them. In addition, when you are in the midst of anxiety disorder & depression, we will feel uncertain + insecure - & our mental/emotional judgement may be a little impaired & as a result our opinions aren't always SOUND. You want the advice you get + you want the professionl & medical guidance you get - to be fr the professionals - where their opinions to you - their advice to you IS NOT CLOUDED by their very own anxiety disorder & depression.
MY EXPERIENCE W/ DEPRESSION & MEDICATION:
I have never ever had major depression until now. I was diagnosed w/ MAJOR DEPRESSION in MARCH 2007. My depression was termed SITUATIONAL/CIRCUMSTANTIAL depression. I had spent the PRIOR 2 YEARS recovering fr anxiety disorder. That recovery process in & of itself required that I be home + not be able to work + spend a lot of time alone for all the people I know worked(hubby/family/friends, etc) + face my childhood & some tough things + face myself. My getting depression, having faced & felt what I needed to, was a forgone conclusion - I just didn't understand it as that @ THE TIME. I understand NOW why I got depression.
I had recovered fr anxiety disorder. I was no longer on any meds for anxiety or sleep deprivation. So, in I think DEC/JAN of 2007, I GRADUATED fr therapy = I did't have to go anymore. Sure, during the therapy time - I felt a little depression - nothing major at all. I had control over it. Unbeknownst to me, however, it was escalating - as I emotionally & mentally was coming to TERMS W/ MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCES & FACTS. In March 2007, my hubby came home fr work. NOw, I luv him - after 11 yrs of marriage that man still gives me butterflies in my belly - when he kisses my neck - yeah, I still get tingly like(you can vomitt now, lol lol). I genuinely like spending time w/ him. Well, that day back in MARCH 2007 - he came home fr work. IT HAD NO EFFECT ON ME WHAT SO EVER - none/silch/nada. It was like(I'm being very very honest here) "oh well, who cares + no big deal + so what". Seeing him didn't make me smile + get giddy or happy as is normal & REAL FOR ME. I felt so emotionally & physically sad/dwn/discouraged/sick - he being in my presence didn't matter. We went out right after he got home. Now, I had been periodically discussing my depressed feelings w/ him - to keep him abreast - so that he, emotionally sound - would know. However & again, I always had control in the past - I was able to keep it at bay - so, both he & I were never alarmed. That day, again, we went out - to the gym. I was just initiating some real & consistant exercising(walking on treadmil) to get healthy + lose weight, etc. We started to do our own thing @ the gym. I felt so TOTALLY + COMPLETELY dwn + depleted + sick - I actually felt like vommiting + I was crying bad bad bad bad on the treadmill. Being around all those folks at the gym & my hubby had no effect on me - I felt like they weren't even there + it did't matter + there was NO HOPE. I immediately walked over to hubby - who noticed something. I told him - "we need to leave right now - I feel sick & I think I need to call the psychiatrist immediately - I am afraid of what this THING is making me feel & think." I cld the psychiatrist's office in the parking lot. They FIT ME IN FOR AN APPT that Monday(it was THURS NITE). I told my hubby in the parking lot, "I need to go back to therap & I think I need a depression medication. That sat - got so bad(all the same previously mentioned things)- I cld the psychiatrist on a sat - it was snowing. He couldn't do anything - but tell me he will see me Mond - he questioned if I wanted to hurt myself - I told him no(cause I didn't) - it's just the totality of what depress was making me feel was very OVERWHELMING. That Mond - I went back to therapy.
Now, my psychiatrist is not 1 who will prescribe a med @ immediate will. Heck, lol - he's like the FBI & CIA combined. For almost 2 hrs - he grilled me - inside & out = every question you could think of - he asked - specifically as it pertained to EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING & FEELING. I told him, "I think I need to consider a depress medication". I too GRILLED HIM, lol - chk me out right, hahahah
I then told him, "ok, I will take a med. However, if I am - we're gonna GO THERE. We are gonna go to all the places that are the reasons behind why I am depressed. I worked too damn hard to get myself to a place where I can admit what I'm thinking & feeling - to just allow depress to take that fr me. I have no intention what so ever to be on depress med's for life. So, we together are gonna do the work here." I was not & never was a complacent woman. I am not the type of woman/person who would sit back & just simply take his word for something OR take whatever he says w/o my own decision = "ok give me whatever" - if I needed the med - I needed & wanted to address the why's behind it so that I could heal/recover - so that I wouldn't need to take it forever. I wouldn't be happy to just take the med & not to any work.Now, again, I never had major depression b/4 - nor have I ever taken a med for it b/4. I had fears as well. The only thing I've ever taken(prior to this journey) in my life was either antibiotic for cold OR advil for menstrual cramps honest. I had fears cause not only did I not fully understand depress & the required meds - I also grew up in an area where drugs were rampant. Now, back then I didn't know what drugs these folks were taking - I was little. I did see, as I was growing up, these wonderful people decline into the pits of drug addiction HELL. I've seen college educated folks w/ careers - lose it all cause of illegal & prescribed drug use. I didn't know a lot growing up(you know how we pretend to KNOW IT ALL - but we really know jack booty squat) - I just knew I DIDN'T WANT TO BECOME THEM + DIDN'T WANT TO LIVE THEIR LIVES AS A RESULT OF THEIR DRUG USE + I SWORE IT WOULD NEVER BE ME. So, I feared the unknown - I feared becoming them - more important, I FEARED KNOWING I NEEDED HELP - THAT THIS "THING" WAS THAT SERIOUS. My needing that SERIOUS HELP for my DEPRESSION scared me.
Fortunately, I had 3 great things on my side: 1) our God, 2) my psychiatrist w/ over 30+ yrs experience, & what I would realize + accept + appreciate, 3) I had ME. The anxiety disorder recovery journey dictated that I get to know myself + trust myself + love myself. So that, having recovered fr anxiety disorder - I could HEAR MY INNER VOICE = MY GUT = MY "GOD" VOICE - I could trust myself - listen to myself, not what the ailments were trying to tell me. Depression, as I said earlier, was trying to make me THINK + FEEL + BELIEVE all the wrong things. Depression attempted to COMPLETELY/TOTALLY deplete me of my energy + drive + will + enthusiasm + belief system - & replace it w/ <span class="ev_code_RED">discouragement + lack of self love/empathy/compassion - painting the world & all it entailed for ME - gray/black/doom/gloom/not loved/why bother w/ this that & the other thing, etc.</span> Little by little, whatever depression was making me feel - I DID THE OPPOSITE & EVEN IF FILLED W/ LACK OF ENERGY/WILL - damn, I got up & w/ tears in my eyes & aches in my body - I did it ANYWAY - I didn't listen to depression.
My taking a depress med was done so w/ a healthy & realistic viewpoint. My depression was heavy & weakening me in that I didn't have the total oomph to combat it & do the work needed to do in order to heal & recover fr it. I am a fighter - definitely not lazy = my recovery fr anxiety disorder proved that. I needed some help so I could do what I needed to do. I wasn't about to cut off my nose to spite my face - I needed help = I felt it in my body/heart/soul/spirit - when I'd go outside w/ the sun out & birds singing - feeling like I was the only person on earth & I couldn't feel the sun or hear them pretty birds singing. I KNEW I needed to do something. Depression was NOT about to take fr me what I worked 2 damn hard years to get: my inner peace + self love + love of life/family/friends + forgiveness + letting go = ALL GREAT THINGS. What did it for me, my deciding to take a depress med, is the level & severity of my depress & admitting I knew I needed help. I knew I wanted to do the work necessary & I needed to - I also knew I needed help getting there.
I had no experience w/ depress & I had the same STRONG FEARS as you mentioned. So, I fought like hell. I was always BLUNTY HONEST w/ myself on what I was thinking & feeling cause of the depress - I then also informed my therapist - so that he could help me + I also told my husband, daily, on what I was thinking & feeling - so that, if necessary- he could be THE RESPONSIBLE ONE - take over if I couldn't. Yes, my having to do all this was scary - it was also very responsible.
I attended therapy @ every scheduled appt - & I went there girl - no holds barred - I let it all out, whatever I was feeling & thinking - I even journaled at home to help me. This was homework & I was a depress recovery student, lol. My depression was hard/hell/scary - in what it was TRYING to make me feel/think - TRYING IS THE OPERATIVE WORD here. After I found the med right for me, it gave me the GRIP I needed to fight it. No, it didn't take all the depress away. It did give me that EDGE you refer to so I could do what was needed. It was hard @ x's & scary as well. I fought it w/ every single ounce of my being/soul/spirit. Every single day - in spite of what it was trying to tell me to HINK/FEEL/DO/ACT - I did the opposite. Even on most days when emotionally & physically I had nothing left - I FORCED myself to do the things in my gut, I know I should be doing: <span class="ev_code_RED">shower + get dressed in something nice even if I had no where specifically to go + put some perfume on + eat healthier + exercise a little something every day + reach out to people/family/friends via in person/email/telephone/im, etc - cause depress will try to make you ISOLATE YOURSELF w/o you even knowing it + force myself to watch funny movies - to force myself to laugh - its like cryptonite to depress let me tell you + read books + pampermyself: bubble bath/pedicure/hair appt + going shopping for that blouse I just don't need but got it anyway + went out to dinner w/ family or friends + surround myself w/ people who did't have depression so that I could be reminded daily that what depress was making me feel & think wasn't real + if I was having a tough day I cld someone to just get it out, but doing so w/o allowing myself to wallow or dwell & w/o having 1 massive pity party.</span>
EX: 1 day, on a fri - I was feeling kind of heavy hearted w/ the totality of my depress = dwn + disouraged + morbid + sad + lonely. I remembered this radio station here in NYC has this KISS THE WEEK GOODBYE THING on FRI'S - they play really really fun(make ya move your tushy) music for like 1/2 hr. So, I forced myself to go into the kitchen @ about 8am. Hubby had left for work already. I remembered telling myself(thinking) "oh it probably won't do anything". I said "B.S. I'm going to listen anyway". The 1st song came on & my butt started moving a little + then the next song, I felt myself singing a few words - HOLLY , by the 3rd song(honest) I wanted to dance & I told depression "the hell w/ you" & I got up & danced FOR ME - FOR MY SOUL/SPIRIT - CAUSE I WANTED TO FEEL GOOD. I sang off key & danced like someon tazered my butt - but I had fun & I felt alive.
I realized how much a healthy dietary intake & exercising would be to me healing fr depress. So, 2 or 3 mths after getting officially diagnosed w/ depression - I joined WEIGHT WATCHERS. I had gotten fat - @ 5'3 1/2, I weighed in@ 211.8. So, I began to learn to eat healthier+ combat my food issues in therapy + implement consistent exercising. 1 day, it as 4:00pm & I realized I didn't do much of anything. No, I had every reason & opportunity in the word to sleep in bed OR lay on the couch all day. I didn't - I could count on less than 1 HAND how many times I slept in bed cause of the tiredness fr depression. This day, upon realizing I had done squat - I forced myself to get up. Now, emotionally & physically I was depleted & hurting, REALLY BAD. To walk felt like I had 100's lbs metal chains on me, while simultaneously hitting a forcefield w/ every step I tried to take. I FORCED MYSELF & DID IT ANYWAY. I knew, in listening to my GUT - that it was depress making me feel & think these things - that if I didn' have depress I would do these things. Holly, w/ as much honestly as I could convey here: w/ tears literally rolling dwn my face that day - in physical pain w/ aches everywher - I got up. I put on shorts & a sports bra & I got on our treadmill. I started to walk slowly - it was hard, I was hurting & I was crying. I yelled - screamed @ IT & I said, "you shall not beat me. I am a child of God & he loves me & I love him. Jesus Christ claimed me a long time ago. W/ that, I walked for 30 min's.
It is acts such as that, above ^^^^^ = the DOING IT ANYWAY that creates THE MOTIVATION. Motivation comes fr DOING. It is also part of the iniation of healing fr depress. You trusting yourself - not depress & doing it anyway - you fighting it - cause you know in your gut YOU ARE WORTH IT - YOU LOVE YOURSELF.
17 mths after my having gotten diagnosed w/ major depression, I have accomplished many great things: I have created a lifestyle change = I eat healtier + exercise consistantly every day(something, anything - even a walk): <span class="ev_code_RED">I have lost a total of 70lbs thus far- I'm only 1.2 lbs away fr goal @ weight watchers!!!</span>My depression med dosage has been lowered several times as a result my work in therapy & @ home - now I am on the lowest dosage possible - the last step being my getting off meds completely. I returned to WORKING USA for the 1st time in almost 4 yrs & I am doing pretty darn well if I say so myself - never underestimate a paycheck w/ your name on it let me tell you, lol lo
:p Most importantly, I am healing/growing/evolving as a person + woman & DEPRESSION IS LOSING ITS BATTLE W/ ME. Holly, I celebrated my 40th bday recently. We went out & did various things & took pictures during all of it. I was having coffee w/ hubby this morning - looking at those pictures. 1 in particular caught my eye. I was holding our puppy ginger(shih poo @ almost 1 yr old). I said to hubby, "wow, I like this. Not because I look cute, lol. Seriously, I see recovery in my eyes - I see my soul in those eyes & that sincerely happy smile on my face." Holly, right after I got diagnosed w/ depression, I recalled w/ hubby my meeting up w/ my best friend of 30 yrs. I recalled a pic I took w/ her youngest daughter. Sure, I was kind of/sort of smiling - but you could see depression in my eyes & you could tell the smile was hard fought - forcing it almost. However, when I looked @ that pic fr my 40th bday this morning - it told a different story - my SOUL & SPIRIT were finding sincere happiness again - something I had fought really hard for. It was happening to me.I hope my story, if anything, conveys HOPE + INSPIRATION + POSSIBILITY to you Holly. That you don't let the fear rule you - that recovery fr depress is very possible - that there is hope out there. Keep doing what you're doing. Keep working the program + go to them therapy session - be honest w/ yourself & therapist - you too shall heal. Continue to take action in whatever way you can to heal fr depression - don't believe its lies - cause they are just that, LIES.
God Bless,
Your friend,
LENORE
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Holly, you have heard this from me before but I will say it again, Lexapro has worked wonders for me, no more PMDD, no more anxiety and obssessive thinking. I feel good and I owe it to the Lexapro. Will I stay on it long term, who knows?? But for now I am staying on it, I no longer fear things, my old negative habits are all gone.
I too was afraid of meds, I no longer am, it is worth trying a AD, do not dwell on the negatives of the meds. I have no side effects and the ones I had in the beginning were mild. I am here for you when and if you decide to start an AD.
I too was afraid of meds, I no longer am, it is worth trying a AD, do not dwell on the negatives of the meds. I have no side effects and the ones I had in the beginning were mild. I am here for you when and if you decide to start an AD.
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Hi, Holly!
I was concerned and scared when my pdoc upped my cymbalta from 60 mg to 120 mg because it seemed like a big jump to me. I worried that I would have a bad reaction to it. But I knew that I was what if thinking, and changed my thoughts to, I'll give it a shot. It just might help me feel better. And guess what! I haven't had a bad reaction!
Yes, many antidepressants may cause suicidal thoughts as a side effect, but often this is in certain populations (like teens). (STOP READING THE SIDE EFFECTS BEFORE TAKING THE MEDICATION!!!) The more you worry about it, the more it will be so. A sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. And if the med you're put on does not work well after about a month or two, then try a new one. Tell yourself that you are working with your doctor to find a med that will help you function better. Also, discuss your concern with him or her. They may be able to alleviate your fear some.
These are just some of my thoughts. I hope they help a little.
Genie
I was concerned and scared when my pdoc upped my cymbalta from 60 mg to 120 mg because it seemed like a big jump to me. I worried that I would have a bad reaction to it. But I knew that I was what if thinking, and changed my thoughts to, I'll give it a shot. It just might help me feel better. And guess what! I haven't had a bad reaction!
Yes, many antidepressants may cause suicidal thoughts as a side effect, but often this is in certain populations (like teens). (STOP READING THE SIDE EFFECTS BEFORE TAKING THE MEDICATION!!!) The more you worry about it, the more it will be so. A sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. And if the med you're put on does not work well after about a month or two, then try a new one. Tell yourself that you are working with your doctor to find a med that will help you function better. Also, discuss your concern with him or her. They may be able to alleviate your fear some.
These are just some of my thoughts. I hope they help a little.
Genie
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Dont be afraid, think of it this way, you are taking steps to making yourself well and healthy again. You must commit to taking the meds for at least 2-4 weeks, if not longer to feel the good effects. Do not read the side effects list, just take them and tell yourself you will be fine, you will get through this, and this is a step to a better you. I found exercising, drinking lots of water and getting rest was beneficial in the initial start up phase.Originally posted by Holly J:
Thank you so much Noelle. I will start soon but i am very afraid
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Well I am 23 and i hope that this is too old to get the suicidal thoughts. I just have so much fear. I was on lexapro and never had those thoughts yet i was not nearly as bad back tha than i am now. I didnt fear meds back than. so if lexapro didnt give me those thoughts then they shouldnt now right?
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hi holly, i have never gotten any thoughts of suicide and all the people i have known that has taken antidepressants hasnt felt that way too.My older sister took Zoloft for a whole year and now shes doing fine. i told that once to my psychiatrist and he said that thats false is more based on your personality type like Lucinda said in this program that it shouldnt be a concern if your afraid of death, i also told my therapist about that same concern and she said to me that when people suicide and they blame the meds for it, it wasnt the meds that made them do it, it was because the person had severe deppression and sometimes the parents dont want to realize that their child has a problem till is too late. trust me I rather keep taking my meds then have does bad symptoms again and end up at the e.r just for the Docs to give me valum. hope this helps