help! anxiety back after a year
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sleeplessMom
- Posts: 81
- Joined: Tue Aug 22, 2006 2:16 pm
I went through the program the last few months of 2006, and did really well in 2007. I am hitting a major scary growth spurt (hopefully that is all it is. It is so difficult to not freak out that "IT" is back.) As I was writing that my anxiety was back after a year, I realized that it never really went entirely away. I think that is unrealistic to expect to never feel anxiety. It is a human emotion. The difference is that during 2007 I was able to handle it appropriately. Until this weekend, when I felt depressed and freaked out and almost had a panic attack because the eggs didn't cook right -- sounds really silly I know but I totally overreacted to it and cried and felt out of control. Then last night the insomnia reared its ugly head. For me, that is the worst part of anxiety, hence the screen name I gave myself in 2006 when I was sleeping only 1-2 hours per night for days on end. I can handle the daytime stuff, but a night or two with terrible sleep propels me into uncontrollable anxiety. I know I need to change my words, and fix my negative thoughts. At least I have an idea of what I need to do this time, but how do we fall back into these ruts? Sometimes, like tonight, my anxiety is NOT preceded by a thought. I was at a concert at my kid's school and I was enjoying it, but near the end I just got an "oh no!" choked up anxiety feeling, but I wasn't thinking anything negative. It was an awful night last night and this morning I didn't think I would make it through the day, but I managed to have a good day and I am trying to look positively to the night in that I can handle anything that happens. It might not be fun but I can do it. Oh, by the way, my Dad is having hip replacement surgery tomorrow (Tuesday). He is 71 and has been writing out his last will and testament, making lists about who should get what of his stuff, making other lists about where he wants his ashes scattered, getting into arguments with my mom about who he does and does not want at his funeral! Think that has something to do with my anxiety!!
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Guest
Hi sleeplessMom,
I am sorry you are having a difficult time. I think you may have answered your own question about your anxiety coming back by considering the difficult situation with your Dad. I know right now that he is older so he is trying to make sure that everything is in order, but just because he's getting himself prepared doesn't mean the outcome from the surgery isn't going to be positive. Hip surgery has come a long way recently. So for right now, even though he's preparing for the worst, I think it's O.K. to assume that all is going to turn out just fine and pray for the best outcome. I don't think it will help you right now to dwell on the alternative outcomes. Why cross that bridge unless you have too? He's looking at the worst case scenario, but you can still look at the best case scenario which is probably more realistic.
Secondly, I know what you are saying about not having negative thoughts, and then having a panic attack. Let me first of all say that I do believe that negative thoughts cause panic attacks, and I ABSOLUTELY DO:). However, I also believe some other things from some recent studies that have come out. One thing that is true is that sometimes we can actually feel before we think because the cells in our bodies can hold memories. We can walk into a situation that may have been scary to us in the past, and we can respond physically because our bodies remember. Also, you admit that you are tired, so your body can just get panicky because you're tired. Or even in your situation, it looks like you were really enjoying the concert and you may have felt excitement at your children's success and you interpreted that excitement as panic. Does that mean that thoughts aren't helpful? No. As soon as you have the body memory, you go into action with your right thinking, and that will keep the attack from getting worse. Also, you may just not have caught the negative thought that you had. And that is a possibility.
I know it sucks to get anxiety again, but it really looks like it is connected to your Dad's surgery, and that he's focused on the worst case scenario. Like this program says, it takes a lifetime to develop habits that cause anxiety, so is it unrealistic to think that it will take a long time to change? I know the time being anxious is horrible, but just remember that each time you cycle back to anxiety, you will learn something new that will help you, and I am sure that the spaces between the cycles where you have anxiety will increase.
I just really think you hit the nail on the head with your dad, and that you are going to be O.K. I bet when your dad's surgery is over with that you are going to feel much better. Also, I know you don't like the night, just like in the past I haven't liked bright blue days. The truth of the matter is that that is a coping mechanism. We try to tell ourselves that the anxiety is outside of ourselves, and that something like a night or a blue day causes it. It's a catch 22. If it's not night or a blue day, we can tell ourselves we're safe from anxiety (we're having positive thoughts then.)during the other times of the day. However, when the blue day or night happens, we tell ourselves that we're not safe and we act like it's outside of us and caused by our environment. It's better if we realize that we can have anxiety under any situation because it comes from inside of us. That sounds scary, but it also means that if the anxiety is inside of us, then we can always change what's going on inside of us, and not be dependent on whether it is day or night to feel better.
You're going to O.K.
Take Care
I am sorry you are having a difficult time. I think you may have answered your own question about your anxiety coming back by considering the difficult situation with your Dad. I know right now that he is older so he is trying to make sure that everything is in order, but just because he's getting himself prepared doesn't mean the outcome from the surgery isn't going to be positive. Hip surgery has come a long way recently. So for right now, even though he's preparing for the worst, I think it's O.K. to assume that all is going to turn out just fine and pray for the best outcome. I don't think it will help you right now to dwell on the alternative outcomes. Why cross that bridge unless you have too? He's looking at the worst case scenario, but you can still look at the best case scenario which is probably more realistic.
Secondly, I know what you are saying about not having negative thoughts, and then having a panic attack. Let me first of all say that I do believe that negative thoughts cause panic attacks, and I ABSOLUTELY DO:). However, I also believe some other things from some recent studies that have come out. One thing that is true is that sometimes we can actually feel before we think because the cells in our bodies can hold memories. We can walk into a situation that may have been scary to us in the past, and we can respond physically because our bodies remember. Also, you admit that you are tired, so your body can just get panicky because you're tired. Or even in your situation, it looks like you were really enjoying the concert and you may have felt excitement at your children's success and you interpreted that excitement as panic. Does that mean that thoughts aren't helpful? No. As soon as you have the body memory, you go into action with your right thinking, and that will keep the attack from getting worse. Also, you may just not have caught the negative thought that you had. And that is a possibility.
I know it sucks to get anxiety again, but it really looks like it is connected to your Dad's surgery, and that he's focused on the worst case scenario. Like this program says, it takes a lifetime to develop habits that cause anxiety, so is it unrealistic to think that it will take a long time to change? I know the time being anxious is horrible, but just remember that each time you cycle back to anxiety, you will learn something new that will help you, and I am sure that the spaces between the cycles where you have anxiety will increase.
I just really think you hit the nail on the head with your dad, and that you are going to be O.K. I bet when your dad's surgery is over with that you are going to feel much better. Also, I know you don't like the night, just like in the past I haven't liked bright blue days. The truth of the matter is that that is a coping mechanism. We try to tell ourselves that the anxiety is outside of ourselves, and that something like a night or a blue day causes it. It's a catch 22. If it's not night or a blue day, we can tell ourselves we're safe from anxiety (we're having positive thoughts then.)during the other times of the day. However, when the blue day or night happens, we tell ourselves that we're not safe and we act like it's outside of us and caused by our environment. It's better if we realize that we can have anxiety under any situation because it comes from inside of us. That sounds scary, but it also means that if the anxiety is inside of us, then we can always change what's going on inside of us, and not be dependent on whether it is day or night to feel better.
You're going to O.K.
Take Care
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Guest
Dear Sleepless Mom,
I don't think we ever become emotional zombies. So let's just let that expectation go right now.
It's not that you are back into an emotional rut. You aren't. Things happen in life that can trigger anxiety. (You did have a thought that triggered this last one. You just aren't clear on what that thought was. Doesn't matter. You don't have to know in order for the anxiety to go away.) The point is: You have tools to use to help you through this. Most of all watch what you say to yourself. For starters - this is JUST ANXIETY. It is not dangerous. It is not life threatening. It's uncomfortable, yes, but that's all. You can function with this discomfort. YOU CAN HANDLE IT. (And that's the truth about this whole thing.) "If this is as good as it gets, I can handle it." "If this never goes away, I can handle it." "I can never go back to the way I was." "I know too much to ever go back."
Use thought stoppage the minute a negative thought comes in. STOP!
Then calm breath.
Then focus on something that you can do in the present moment EVEN WHILE FEELING THOSE FEELINGS.
Acknowledge and accept how you feel. Infact, welcome this all in. You'll learn that you can handle these feelings no matter where they are coming from.
Also, you can chew that ego-thinking mind out, you know. Tell it to stop scaring you. You've had enough.
I don't think we ever become emotional zombies. So let's just let that expectation go right now.
It's not that you are back into an emotional rut. You aren't. Things happen in life that can trigger anxiety. (You did have a thought that triggered this last one. You just aren't clear on what that thought was. Doesn't matter. You don't have to know in order for the anxiety to go away.) The point is: You have tools to use to help you through this. Most of all watch what you say to yourself. For starters - this is JUST ANXIETY. It is not dangerous. It is not life threatening. It's uncomfortable, yes, but that's all. You can function with this discomfort. YOU CAN HANDLE IT. (And that's the truth about this whole thing.) "If this is as good as it gets, I can handle it." "If this never goes away, I can handle it." "I can never go back to the way I was." "I know too much to ever go back."
Use thought stoppage the minute a negative thought comes in. STOP!
Then calm breath.
Then focus on something that you can do in the present moment EVEN WHILE FEELING THOSE FEELINGS.
Acknowledge and accept how you feel. Infact, welcome this all in. You'll learn that you can handle these feelings no matter where they are coming from.
Also, you can chew that ego-thinking mind out, you know. Tell it to stop scaring you. You've had enough.
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Guest
Boon's right - thing's happen in life that trigger anxiety, but NOW you know YOU can handle it. We've all got the tools necessary to combat anxiety. I'm on my last week of the program, have weened off half my meds, and feel great. My anxiety was triggered about 2 year's ago, went away for year and came back. Unfortunately, 2 year's ago I didn't have the tools I have today. I face everyday "living in the moment". I feel sooooo much better, and know today is great.
Whenever you feel relapse, remember you've got what it takes to handle it!
God bless,
Suz
Whenever you feel relapse, remember you've got what it takes to handle it!
God bless,
Suz
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Guest
Another thing to add is that not only can we handle it, but that when we do, it gets easier and easier. My improvements are so slow and minor and that is frustrating to me at times, but I still grow each time I have a batch where I have to work on my thoughts and feelings.
I have to remind myself that I can learn from this and be attentive to get stronger. Eventually, we will get to a point where those times are so minor and we will push them aside like little bugs flying in our face.
Boon had some replacement thoughts that you could use. I don't personally like the one about this never going away, because it will eventually, but it's very true that you know too much to ever go back!
One I use often is, "Ok, what can I be learning from this?" or "It's challenging, but I can choose my attitude and reactions."
You're doing great!
I have to remind myself that I can learn from this and be attentive to get stronger. Eventually, we will get to a point where those times are so minor and we will push them aside like little bugs flying in our face.
Boon had some replacement thoughts that you could use. I don't personally like the one about this never going away, because it will eventually, but it's very true that you know too much to ever go back!
One I use often is, "Ok, what can I be learning from this?" or "It's challenging, but I can choose my attitude and reactions."
You're doing great!
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Guest
sleepnessmom,
i think that you hit the nail on the head when you said that your father will have knee replacement and, i think that this is waht triggered your anxiety...my wife has had 3 surgeries and i know that each time she has one we always have prayer before she goes in...as i write this she had to have a stint put in her right hip and i am waiting on a call to go pick her up. they tried to do it yesterday and could not get through and, will go in the other side and see if they can do it.. i am not worried at all...because i have faith in GOD that he will see us through. take care and hang in there. do not let one day or one thing get you down.you are an over comer. know that you are in our thoughts and prayers and GOD BLESS..
DON
i think that you hit the nail on the head when you said that your father will have knee replacement and, i think that this is waht triggered your anxiety...my wife has had 3 surgeries and i know that each time she has one we always have prayer before she goes in...as i write this she had to have a stint put in her right hip and i am waiting on a call to go pick her up. they tried to do it yesterday and could not get through and, will go in the other side and see if they can do it.. i am not worried at all...because i have faith in GOD that he will see us through. take care and hang in there. do not let one day or one thing get you down.you are an over comer. know that you are in our thoughts and prayers and GOD BLESS..
DON
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Guest
I have appreciated everyone's comments. It has been a very difficult week. My Dad pulled through surgery just fine, and I am pretty proud of myself that I have had no major problems. In addition to my Dad in two days I had to have repeat blood work for me, two doctor/dentist appointments for my son, and have missed a lot of work. But the undercurrent of anxiety is there, and I am experiencing derealization (which I had severely last summer). I am just floating with it, and trying not to let it scare me too much. I think that is my brain's reaction to even a brief bout of intense anxiety.
luvpiggy: I loved what you said about the body memory, and I have thought a lot about that this week. Last summer my anxiety was associated with horrible fatigue due to insomnia. So it does make sense now that if I have a bout of insomnia, and my body is feeling the same thing, I might experience the panicky feelings too. You are right that the thoughts help you pull out of it, but also the baseline negative thoughts throughout the day might just be catching up with you (sort of a delayed reaction). I do need to work on under-reacting to a night of insomnia. I just can't seem to convince myself that it is no big deal, when it really is. I am proud of myself that the rest of this week I have woken up several times each night, but said "so what" to myself, and did some slow breathing and fell right back asleep.
Boon: I connected with what you said about never becoming emotional zombies. Why do I feel that if I have any strong emotion, that my recovery is incomplete? I have taken your suggestion to heart this week, as I am feeling REALLY spacey. "This is just uncomfortable. I can handle it, and I can meet all my obligations. It will go away." Thank you. I did a decent job of putting up the stop sign when I found my mind wandering (i.e. picturing how I will break the news to my kids that their Grandad died...STOP. It hasn't happened).
suz64 and KDlady: I appreciated your comments and am reminding myself that I have come so far. It seems frustrating to keep working at it, we just want "zap" to be better! But you are right, everytime I get through something stressful or anxiety-producing, there is something that I can learn from.
*D*: How nice of you to write while you are facing some similar concerns with your wife. I hope things went smoothly for her. Thank you for your prayers.
luvpiggy: I loved what you said about the body memory, and I have thought a lot about that this week. Last summer my anxiety was associated with horrible fatigue due to insomnia. So it does make sense now that if I have a bout of insomnia, and my body is feeling the same thing, I might experience the panicky feelings too. You are right that the thoughts help you pull out of it, but also the baseline negative thoughts throughout the day might just be catching up with you (sort of a delayed reaction). I do need to work on under-reacting to a night of insomnia. I just can't seem to convince myself that it is no big deal, when it really is. I am proud of myself that the rest of this week I have woken up several times each night, but said "so what" to myself, and did some slow breathing and fell right back asleep.
Boon: I connected with what you said about never becoming emotional zombies. Why do I feel that if I have any strong emotion, that my recovery is incomplete? I have taken your suggestion to heart this week, as I am feeling REALLY spacey. "This is just uncomfortable. I can handle it, and I can meet all my obligations. It will go away." Thank you. I did a decent job of putting up the stop sign when I found my mind wandering (i.e. picturing how I will break the news to my kids that their Grandad died...STOP. It hasn't happened).
suz64 and KDlady: I appreciated your comments and am reminding myself that I have come so far. It seems frustrating to keep working at it, we just want "zap" to be better! But you are right, everytime I get through something stressful or anxiety-producing, there is something that I can learn from.
*D*: How nice of you to write while you are facing some similar concerns with your wife. I hope things went smoothly for her. Thank you for your prayers.
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Guest
I am glad your dad made it successfully through surgery. It looks like you are really doing a good job at putting into practice the techniques from this program. You say that telling yourself it's no big deal if you can't sleep is actually making you fall asleep:). That's great that the technique is working for you. I really just think you were under additional stress with your dad's surgery. I think you're going to feel better soon:).
Take Care
Take Care
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Guest
help help. It's gotten worse. It is definitely back, I can't deny it any longer. All weekend it is like generalized nervousness just coursing through my blood. I couldn't get away from it and I couldn't figure out why. Maybe a delayed reaction from worry about my Dad, and an insanely busy week. I wake up in the morning on weekends so stressed out about how I will manage all I am supposed to do that day. Dad is having problems and went back to the hospital yesterday, but I didn't find out until late so that is not what caused it to get worse. My head is so out of it, I think the derealization is back and I am so mad at myself I am feeling like I failed in this recovery. I can't stop crying I don't want my kids to see me like this. My older one is sick, I think I need to take him to the doctor to make sure he doesn't have strep throat.
Oh, also I made an adjustment to my medication over 3 weeks ago. I don't think I mentioned in my original post because I started tapering off 10 mg Paxil in August. A very slow taper (2 mg drop then wait 6 weeks), and it has gone basically OK but this last drop from 4 mg to 2 mg may have something to do with it. That makes me feel like even more of a failure because maybe the success I had for one year wasn't mostly me, but the medication.