Low Frustration Tolerance?
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BePositive-Amy
- Posts: 85
- Joined: Sun Aug 14, 2005 3:00 am
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Mary Wargo
- Posts: 274
- Joined: Wed Feb 06, 2008 12:37 pm
Yes I have low frustration tolerance and had found a very good website that was helping me and offering really good exercises for overcoming this and darn if I can remember where it is now. I think one of the suggestions was to slow things down a lot and to focus on one thing at a time instead of trying to do several things at once which causes frustration to set in. If I can find the website I will post it for you. The suggestions were really helping me as I recall.
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BePositive-Amy
- Posts: 85
- Joined: Sun Aug 14, 2005 3:00 am
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two peas in a pod
- Posts: 10
- Joined: Wed Oct 29, 2008 5:42 pm
YES AMY I DEAL WITH THIS DAILY. MY FRUSTRATION LEVEL TODAY IS REALY BAD. THE SLIGHTEST THINGS FRUSRTATE ME. THE DOG SCRATCHEN TO THE NEIGHBOR MOVING MY LEAVES FROM WHERE I PUT THEM. (HOW DARE HIM) DOES YOURS GO FROM FRUSTRATION STRAIGHT TO ANXIETY OR NOT. AND HOW DO YOU FEEL. I FEEL LIKE I CANT THINK. GOING CRAZY. MY BRAIN FEELS AAA WISHY WASHY LIKE I AM NOT HERE. ITS SCARRY.
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BePositive-Amy
- Posts: 85
- Joined: Sun Aug 14, 2005 3:00 am
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BePositive-Amy
- Posts: 85
- Joined: Sun Aug 14, 2005 3:00 am
This is my first time in a forum, so don't take offense if I don't have proper etiquette. I not only become frustrated, but seem to get mad very easily when it happens. If I am frustrated with a person, I end up either crying or yelling. This has elevated lately, and the last time it happened, I lost it and was actually screaming. I don't even remember half of what I said. That is what made me realize that the meds are not working and I needed to try something else. I saw the ad for Lucinda's program and am now in my second week. Can this program help with this also?
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SusantheChatterbox
- Posts: 36
- Joined: Thu Jul 24, 2008 1:40 pm
I also have very low frustration tolerence but mine tends to be more centered with frustrations being on me more so than on anyone else. I have troubles with dropping things easily and get very upset when that happens. I try to laugh it off instead of getting so mad but it doesn't work usually. I do get frustrated with my family members when they choose to do things I don't agree with nor want them to do but I have to keep reminding myself that they are all adults and that I can't control them. I get so darn mad at myself when I say things out of frustrations that I usually regret later on. I am very hard on myself and definitely have very low tolerence for me which I know I need to definitely start working on.
God bless,
Susan
God bless,
Susan
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Charlie Brown
- Posts: 442
- Joined: Mon Sep 04, 2006 2:56 pm
This thread strikes home for me in a big, big way. I have known for a long time I get easily frustrated. I have been this for most of my life. I also have been most of my life on and off angry. My anger has never ever been violent to other people, nor has it been destructive in relationships or other areas of life. I do, though, take out my feelings on inanimate objects. My anger has been on and off--again, most of my life. I have battled the anger with books and prayer.
I just googled "Low Frustration Tolerance" and got a ton of stuff I offer for you and myself. It is below.
After each section of information, I included the link where I got the info. In the last bit I mention a product from Albert Ellis for Low Frustration Tolerance but did not include the link. I respect this forum and do not want it to look like I am intentionally hawking someone else's product.
Here's to our recovery!
Things must be the way I want them to be - otherwise life will be intolerable.
We all want life to be organised according to our preferences. This surely makes sense! What then is the problem? Unfortunately, we often go beyond just wanting - we believe that things must be our way. This reflects a human tendency called 'low frustration-tolerance'.
I suspect that this tendency is one of the most common, underlying causes of distress in human beings. Paradoxically, it seems to be the one of which people are most unconscious! A concept developed by psychologist Albert Ellis, low frustration-tolerance (LFT) arises from believing that frustration is unbearable and therefore must be avoided at all costs.
What is low frustration-tolerance?
Low frustration-tolerance (LFT) is caused by catastrophising about being frustrated and demanding that it not happen. It is based on beliefs like:
• ‘The world owes me contentment and happiness.’
• ‘Things should be as I want them to be, and I can’t stand it when they are not.’
• ‘It is intolerable to be frustrated, so I must avoid it at all costs.’
• ‘Other people should not do things that frustrate me.’
LFT is closely related to low discomfort-tolerance (LDT), which arises from catastrophising about discomfort (including the discomfort of negative emotions), with an internal demand that it be avoided. The two types are similar and closely related. Frustration is uncomfortable, and discomfort is frustrating. Often one expression is used to refer to both types.
Low frustration-tolerance arises from demands that things be as we want, usually coupled with awfulising and discomfort-intolerance when this does not happen.
The problem with low frustration-tolerance
Low frustration-tolerance creates distress in many ways:
• Anxiety results when people believe that they should or must get what they want (and not get what they don’t want), and that it is awful and unbearable (rather than merely inconvenient or disadvantageous) when things don’t happen as they ‘must’.
• Short-range enjoyment, a common human tendency, is the seeking of immediate pleasure or avoidance of pain, at the cost of long-term stress. Examples include such things as alcohol, drug and food abuse; watching television at the expense of exercising; practising unsafe sex; or overspending to avoid feeling deprived.
• Addictive tendencies. Low frustration-tolerance is a key factor in the development of addictions. To resist the impulse of the moment and go without is ‘too frustrating’. It seems easier to give in to the urge to misuse alcohol, take drugs, gamble, or exercise obsessively.
• Negativity and complaining. Low frustration-tolerance may cause you to become distressed over small hindrances and setbacks, overconcerned with unfairness, and prone to make comparisons between your own and others’ circumstances. Negativity tends to alienate others, with the loss of their support.
• Anger. LFT leads to hostile anger when someone does something you dislike, or fails to give you what you want.
The alternative: high frustration-tolerance
High frustration-tolerance means accepting the reality of frustration and keeping its badness in perspective.
To accept frustration is to acknowledge that, while you may dislike it, there is no Law of the Universe says you ‘should’ be exempt from it (though you may prefer to be). You expect to experience appropriate negative emotions like annoyance and disappointment. But you avoid exaggerating these emotions (by telling yourself you can’t stand them) into depression, hostile anger, hurt, or self-pity.
Changing what you tell yourself about frustration
See the list of typical frustration-intolerance thoughts below. Alongside each is a more realistic alternative.
Frustration-intolerance Realistic Thinking
It is awful and intolerable to be frustrated from having things the way I want. If I tell myself that frustration is awful, I’ll only set myself up to get anxious when I think it's coming - and bitter and twisted when it does happen.
I can’t stand it when people don’t act as they should. I don’t like it, but I can survive it - and survive better when I don’t lose my cool over it.
My circumstances have to be right for life to be tolerable. It is disappointing when things aren’t the way I’d like them to be, but it is not awful — and I can stand less than the ideal.
Because I can’t stand being frustrated, I must avoid it at all costs. Total avoidance would mean a very restricted life. Though I don’t like frustration, I can tolerate it.
How to raise your tolerance for frustration
• Know when you are engaging in LFT behaviour. Keep a log of such behaviour for several weeks or longer. Watch for things like overusing drugs or alcohol, compulsive gambling, shopping, exercising, or bingeing on food, losing your temper.
• The technique of exposure is an important way to increase your tolerance. Make a list of things to which you typically overreact - situations, events, risks and so on. Commit yourself to face at least one of these each day. Instead of trying to get away from the frustration as you normally would, stay with the frustration until it diminishes of its own accord. You might, for instance, go without desserts for a while, have two beers instead of four, leave the children's toys on the floor, or the like.
• Another useful technique is rational self-analysis. Analyse your frustration - while you are feeling it, if possible, otherwise, as soon as possible afterwards.
• Other techniques you may find helpful are rational cards, the catastrophe scale, and reframing.
Other helpful resources
Links within this programme
• Overcoming low discomfort-tolerance.
• Dealing with anger.
• Accepting reality - even when it is unpleasant.
Links on the world-wide web
• Acknowledgment of reality - <A HREF="http://www.infi.net/%7Esusanf/accept.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.infi.net/~susanf/accept.htm</A>
• Aggression - <A HREF="http://www.iret.org/essays/aggress1.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.iret.org/essays/aggress1.html</A>
• Assertiveness, aggressiveness, unassertiveness - <A HREF="http://gossamer.saf.uwplatt.edu/counsel ... sertvs.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://gossamer.saf.uwplatt.edu/counsel ... tvs.htm</A>
• Change management - <A HREF="http://www.webcom.com/hrtmath/IHM/HMNL0502/Surfing.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.webcom.com/hrtmath/IHM/HMNL0 ... ng.html</A>
• Discomfort and procrastination - <A HREF="http://www.iret.org/essays/procrst1.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.iret.org/essays/procrst1.html</A>
• Flexibility and family rules - <A HREF="http://www.bradshawdifference.com/family.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.bradshawdifference.com/family.html</A>
• Flexibility and family rules - <A HREF="http://www.bradshawdifference.com/family.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.bradshawdifference.com/family.html</A>
• Flexibility at work - <A HREF="http://www.hslib.washington.edu/your_he ... 50228.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.hslib.washington.edu/your_he ... 28.html</A>
• Flexibility, change, and organisations - <A HREF="http://www.webcom.com/hrtmath/IHM/Artic ... gemgt.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.webcom.com/hrtmath/IHM/Artic ... gt.html</A>
• Stress and Change - <A HREF="http://www.catch22.com/lln/s_main.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.catch22.com/lln/s_main.html</A>
Further reading
• Paul Hauck, Overcoming Frustration and Anger (The Westminster Press, Philadelphia, 1974).
Moving from LFT to high frustration-tolerance
To raise your tolerance for frustration, change your view of it. Here is a new belief do help you do that:
'There is no law which says that things have to be the way I want. It’s disappointing when they are not, but I can stand it — especially if I avoid awfulising about frustration and demanding that it not happen.'
<A HREF="http://www.rational.org.nz/public/Belie ... e/bel4.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.rational.org.nz/public/Belie ... el4.htm</A>
___________________________________
Low Frustration Tolerance Breeds Anger
Vijai P. Sharma, Ph.D
Here is a recipe from the "Book of Stewing." The meat for the recipe is, "I must be accepted and appreciated by everyone for everything I do." Mix it with the batter of, "You must always support me and put me above everyone and everything else. Spoil me without expecting anything from me in return." Sprinkle it with a seasoning of, "All circumstances must be exactly the way I want them and if they are not, my life is terrible, you're terrible, and this place is terrible." These three ingredients, when mixed, will automatically turn on the "pressure cooker." Stew and seethe it all day long. Note that stewing and seething will be often accompanied by "internal fire-works" that will heat the produce to a "raging" temperature : A kitchen where this recipe is cooked drives everyone away except the Chef. Later, the heat gets unbearable even for the Chef.
The name of this recipe is "Low Frustration Tolerance (LFT)." People who use this recipe as their staple diet stay mad with themselves, others, and the world: Why? Because, no one can always be accepted or appreciated. No one can always agree with us or approve everything we do . Circumstances don't always favor us. Events do turn out to be opposite of what we anticipate, at one time or the another. I don't know if it's the same case with you, but in my case, the Universe always forgets to consult me about my preferences.
We don't have to like everything that happens to us, but we can accept it. Looking at the big picture helps us to accept a lot of things that are difficult to swallow or hard to digest. We don't achieve big successes unless we fail a few times, muscles can't be strengthened if we do not exercise them against resistance, and we don't heal without experiencing the pain. "To heal it, you have to feel it."
Quick and frequent anger often results from LFT. A person with LFT doesn't tolerate anything blocking the path of his or her desire; thus the thought, "I should(or must) get what I want." If that doesn't happen, LFT person can't stand himself or herself. Such an inflexible demand leads to another equally inflexible and irrational one, "You should(or must) give me what I want." If people don't, LFT person can't stand them. When the path of LFT person meets even a little resistance, the fuse goes off immediately and automatically. Understanding the big picture raises our frustration tolerance.
LFT people justify their angry outbursts. Their misconceptions about the function of anger are as follows:
1. "I have every right to be angry." Check your assumption very carefully. What will happen if everyone decides to exercise their "right" at the same time? Can you imagine the amount of dirt that will fly in the sky from all the erupting volcanoes all at the same time?
2. "It's good to take it off my chest. I shouldn't hold it in" Careful! If your anger gets out of control, you might end up feeling worse, upset the person who bore the brunt of your anger, and add more "knots" and "tangles" to the problem.
3. "I should let them know exactly how I feel." Okay, but how do you let them know? Without any tact or diplomacy, just plain let them have it? If others sense you are hostile to them, they try to protect themselves and tune you out. Overcoming their hurt and nursing their wounds may occupy them totally. If you express your feelings by hurling insults and profanities at other people, they don't want to know or care how you feel. Remember, when people know you care about them, they care about knowing how you feel . When angry, and acting as if you don't care, the only thing they learn about you is that you are destructive and don't care about the person you are hurting .
4. "If I don't scream and yell, I won't be heard. Loud doesn't get heard here, so I will speak louder" The fact is that people begin to stop listening once the other person yells, snarls, or tries to win by the lung power. Instead of listening, he or she may start overshouting and retaliating. .
5. "You made me angry and now you have to pay for it. I have to punish you." Punishment and revenge are parts of destructive anger. They don't have a place in constructive anger. Punishment and revenge create a negative chain effect of more pain, more anger, more punishment and revenge. Whatever goes around, comes around. If one sows belladonna(a poisonous plant), at the next harvest one reaps nothing else but belladonna.
To maintain satisfactory relationships at home and work, raise your frustration tolerance. LFT can take the joy out of any relationship, no matter how deep and forgiving that relationship is. Anger is not just about hurting and destroying, it can be about creating. Create a change in the conditions that cause anger. Change yourself. Use the energy that anger creates for a positive change rather than "attacking" the other person. Where there is "rage," let there be "annoyance." Annoyance, you can make use of. Rage, you can only regret.
. <A HREF="http://www.mindpub.com/art129.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.mindpub.com/art129.htm</A>
_____________________________________
Irrationalities Related to Low Frustration Tolerance or Short-Range Hedonism
Holding a strong insistence on going only for the pleasures of the moment instead of those of the present and future.
Obsession with immediate gratifications, whatever the costs Whining and strongly pitying oneself when one finds it necessary to surrender short-range pleasures for other gains Ignoring the dangers inherent in going for immediate pleasures.
Striving for ease and comfort rather than for greater satisfactions that require some temporary discomfort.
Refusing to work against a harmful addiction because of the immediate discomfort of giving it up.
Refusing to continue with a beneficial or satisfying program of activity because one views its onerous aspects as too hard and devoutly believes that they should not exist.
Chomping at the bit impatiently when one has to wait for or work for a satisfying condition to occur.
Procrastinating about doing activities that one knows would turn out beneficially and that one has promised oneself to do.
Significantly consuming a scarce commodity that one knows one will very much want in the future.
From The Albert Ellis reader
A BELIEF PAIR
High frustration tolerance (HFT) vs. low frustration tolerance (LFT): High frustration tolerance beliefs are rational in the sense that they are again primarily flexible and not grossly exaggerated. These beliefs are expressed in their full form, thus: 'Failing my driving test would be difficult to tolerate, but I could stand it'. The stronger a person's unmet preference, the more difficult it would be for her to tolerate this situation, but if she holds an HFT belief it would still be tolerable. In this sense, an HFT belief is consistent with reality. It is also logical since it again makes sense in the context of the person's preference. Finally, like a preference and an anti-awfulizing belief, it is constructive since it will help the person take effective action if the negative event that is being faced can be changed and it will encourage the person to make a healthy adjustment if the situation cannot be changed.
Low frustration tolerance beliefs, on the other hand, are irrational in the sense that they are first and foremost grossly exaggerated. They are couched in such statements as 'I can't stand it. 'I can't bear it., 'It's intolerable. When a person has a low frustration tolerance belief, she means one of two things: (i) she will disintegrate or (ii) she will never experience any happiness again. Since these two statements are obviously untrue, an LFT belief is inconsistent with reality. It is also illogical since it is a nonsensical conclusion from the person's implicit rational belief (e.g. 'Because it would be very bad if I failed my driving test, I couldn't stand it if I did fail'). Finally, like musts and awfulizing beliefs, it is unconstructive since it will interfere with the person taking effective action if the negative event that the person is facing can be changed and it will stop the person from making a healthy adjustment if the situation cannot be changed.
From Brief Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy by Windy Dryden
Examples of Rational Beliefs (RB) to Dispute (DIB's) Irrational Beliefs (iB) of LFT - Low Frustration Tolerance and Procrastination
Excerpt from the Albert Ellis Reader
Low Frustration Tolerance
1. (RB) I don't like existing conditions.
(iB) Existing conditions must be changed to give me what I like, otherwise I can't stand it and I can't be happy at all!
2.(RB) I would like immediate gratification.
(iB) I must have immediate gratification and have to have it, or else I can't stand it and my life is awful!
3.(RB) I find hassles and frustrations inconvenient.
(iB) I can't stand hassles!
Procrastination and Avoidance
1.(RB) I want to put off doing what I had better do because I want to do something else right now.
(iB) I must have immediate gratification, and therefore have to put off doing what I'd better do right now.
2.(RB) I want to avoid what I had better do right now, because I temporarily don't feel like doing it.
(iB) I shouldn't have to do what I don't feel like doing, therefore I won't do it, even though I would gain by doing it and lose by not doing it.
3.(RB) I don't feel like doing what I had better do.
(iB) Therefore, I can't stand doing it and won't do it.
4.(RB) I don't want to do what I agreed to do, so I'll put it off as long as feasible.
(iB) Since I shouldn't have to do what I agreed to do but dislike doing, I'll look for excuses to deceive myself and/or others and "prove" that my delays are honest and justified.
5.(RB) (a) It would be better if I did this task well.
(b) However, if I did it, my performance might not be as good as I would like it to be, so I prefer to wait until I can do it better.
(iB) I must avoid a bad performance at all costs, so I'll wait until I know I can perform well. Otherwise, I will show up as an incompetent boob, and I can't stand that!
6. (RB) I want people to think well of me, and they might not, if they know about my defects.
(iB) (a) I must have people think well of me. How awful if they don't!
Conquering LFT (Low Frustration Tolerance)
Albert Ellis, Ph.D.
Overcome your low frustration tolerance when the world is not the way it “should” be. 73 min. CD 73 min
I just googled "Low Frustration Tolerance" and got a ton of stuff I offer for you and myself. It is below.
After each section of information, I included the link where I got the info. In the last bit I mention a product from Albert Ellis for Low Frustration Tolerance but did not include the link. I respect this forum and do not want it to look like I am intentionally hawking someone else's product.
Here's to our recovery!
Things must be the way I want them to be - otherwise life will be intolerable.
We all want life to be organised according to our preferences. This surely makes sense! What then is the problem? Unfortunately, we often go beyond just wanting - we believe that things must be our way. This reflects a human tendency called 'low frustration-tolerance'.
I suspect that this tendency is one of the most common, underlying causes of distress in human beings. Paradoxically, it seems to be the one of which people are most unconscious! A concept developed by psychologist Albert Ellis, low frustration-tolerance (LFT) arises from believing that frustration is unbearable and therefore must be avoided at all costs.
What is low frustration-tolerance?
Low frustration-tolerance (LFT) is caused by catastrophising about being frustrated and demanding that it not happen. It is based on beliefs like:
• ‘The world owes me contentment and happiness.’
• ‘Things should be as I want them to be, and I can’t stand it when they are not.’
• ‘It is intolerable to be frustrated, so I must avoid it at all costs.’
• ‘Other people should not do things that frustrate me.’
LFT is closely related to low discomfort-tolerance (LDT), which arises from catastrophising about discomfort (including the discomfort of negative emotions), with an internal demand that it be avoided. The two types are similar and closely related. Frustration is uncomfortable, and discomfort is frustrating. Often one expression is used to refer to both types.
Low frustration-tolerance arises from demands that things be as we want, usually coupled with awfulising and discomfort-intolerance when this does not happen.
The problem with low frustration-tolerance
Low frustration-tolerance creates distress in many ways:
• Anxiety results when people believe that they should or must get what they want (and not get what they don’t want), and that it is awful and unbearable (rather than merely inconvenient or disadvantageous) when things don’t happen as they ‘must’.
• Short-range enjoyment, a common human tendency, is the seeking of immediate pleasure or avoidance of pain, at the cost of long-term stress. Examples include such things as alcohol, drug and food abuse; watching television at the expense of exercising; practising unsafe sex; or overspending to avoid feeling deprived.
• Addictive tendencies. Low frustration-tolerance is a key factor in the development of addictions. To resist the impulse of the moment and go without is ‘too frustrating’. It seems easier to give in to the urge to misuse alcohol, take drugs, gamble, or exercise obsessively.
• Negativity and complaining. Low frustration-tolerance may cause you to become distressed over small hindrances and setbacks, overconcerned with unfairness, and prone to make comparisons between your own and others’ circumstances. Negativity tends to alienate others, with the loss of their support.
• Anger. LFT leads to hostile anger when someone does something you dislike, or fails to give you what you want.
The alternative: high frustration-tolerance
High frustration-tolerance means accepting the reality of frustration and keeping its badness in perspective.
To accept frustration is to acknowledge that, while you may dislike it, there is no Law of the Universe says you ‘should’ be exempt from it (though you may prefer to be). You expect to experience appropriate negative emotions like annoyance and disappointment. But you avoid exaggerating these emotions (by telling yourself you can’t stand them) into depression, hostile anger, hurt, or self-pity.
Changing what you tell yourself about frustration
See the list of typical frustration-intolerance thoughts below. Alongside each is a more realistic alternative.
Frustration-intolerance Realistic Thinking
It is awful and intolerable to be frustrated from having things the way I want. If I tell myself that frustration is awful, I’ll only set myself up to get anxious when I think it's coming - and bitter and twisted when it does happen.
I can’t stand it when people don’t act as they should. I don’t like it, but I can survive it - and survive better when I don’t lose my cool over it.
My circumstances have to be right for life to be tolerable. It is disappointing when things aren’t the way I’d like them to be, but it is not awful — and I can stand less than the ideal.
Because I can’t stand being frustrated, I must avoid it at all costs. Total avoidance would mean a very restricted life. Though I don’t like frustration, I can tolerate it.
How to raise your tolerance for frustration
• Know when you are engaging in LFT behaviour. Keep a log of such behaviour for several weeks or longer. Watch for things like overusing drugs or alcohol, compulsive gambling, shopping, exercising, or bingeing on food, losing your temper.
• The technique of exposure is an important way to increase your tolerance. Make a list of things to which you typically overreact - situations, events, risks and so on. Commit yourself to face at least one of these each day. Instead of trying to get away from the frustration as you normally would, stay with the frustration until it diminishes of its own accord. You might, for instance, go without desserts for a while, have two beers instead of four, leave the children's toys on the floor, or the like.
• Another useful technique is rational self-analysis. Analyse your frustration - while you are feeling it, if possible, otherwise, as soon as possible afterwards.
• Other techniques you may find helpful are rational cards, the catastrophe scale, and reframing.
Other helpful resources
Links within this programme
• Overcoming low discomfort-tolerance.
• Dealing with anger.
• Accepting reality - even when it is unpleasant.
Links on the world-wide web
• Acknowledgment of reality - <A HREF="http://www.infi.net/%7Esusanf/accept.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.infi.net/~susanf/accept.htm</A>
• Aggression - <A HREF="http://www.iret.org/essays/aggress1.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.iret.org/essays/aggress1.html</A>
• Assertiveness, aggressiveness, unassertiveness - <A HREF="http://gossamer.saf.uwplatt.edu/counsel ... sertvs.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://gossamer.saf.uwplatt.edu/counsel ... tvs.htm</A>
• Change management - <A HREF="http://www.webcom.com/hrtmath/IHM/HMNL0502/Surfing.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.webcom.com/hrtmath/IHM/HMNL0 ... ng.html</A>
• Discomfort and procrastination - <A HREF="http://www.iret.org/essays/procrst1.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.iret.org/essays/procrst1.html</A>
• Flexibility and family rules - <A HREF="http://www.bradshawdifference.com/family.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.bradshawdifference.com/family.html</A>
• Flexibility and family rules - <A HREF="http://www.bradshawdifference.com/family.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.bradshawdifference.com/family.html</A>
• Flexibility at work - <A HREF="http://www.hslib.washington.edu/your_he ... 50228.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.hslib.washington.edu/your_he ... 28.html</A>
• Flexibility, change, and organisations - <A HREF="http://www.webcom.com/hrtmath/IHM/Artic ... gemgt.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.webcom.com/hrtmath/IHM/Artic ... gt.html</A>
• Stress and Change - <A HREF="http://www.catch22.com/lln/s_main.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.catch22.com/lln/s_main.html</A>
Further reading
• Paul Hauck, Overcoming Frustration and Anger (The Westminster Press, Philadelphia, 1974).
Moving from LFT to high frustration-tolerance
To raise your tolerance for frustration, change your view of it. Here is a new belief do help you do that:
'There is no law which says that things have to be the way I want. It’s disappointing when they are not, but I can stand it — especially if I avoid awfulising about frustration and demanding that it not happen.'
<A HREF="http://www.rational.org.nz/public/Belie ... e/bel4.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.rational.org.nz/public/Belie ... el4.htm</A>
___________________________________
Low Frustration Tolerance Breeds Anger
Vijai P. Sharma, Ph.D
Here is a recipe from the "Book of Stewing." The meat for the recipe is, "I must be accepted and appreciated by everyone for everything I do." Mix it with the batter of, "You must always support me and put me above everyone and everything else. Spoil me without expecting anything from me in return." Sprinkle it with a seasoning of, "All circumstances must be exactly the way I want them and if they are not, my life is terrible, you're terrible, and this place is terrible." These three ingredients, when mixed, will automatically turn on the "pressure cooker." Stew and seethe it all day long. Note that stewing and seething will be often accompanied by "internal fire-works" that will heat the produce to a "raging" temperature : A kitchen where this recipe is cooked drives everyone away except the Chef. Later, the heat gets unbearable even for the Chef.
The name of this recipe is "Low Frustration Tolerance (LFT)." People who use this recipe as their staple diet stay mad with themselves, others, and the world: Why? Because, no one can always be accepted or appreciated. No one can always agree with us or approve everything we do . Circumstances don't always favor us. Events do turn out to be opposite of what we anticipate, at one time or the another. I don't know if it's the same case with you, but in my case, the Universe always forgets to consult me about my preferences.
We don't have to like everything that happens to us, but we can accept it. Looking at the big picture helps us to accept a lot of things that are difficult to swallow or hard to digest. We don't achieve big successes unless we fail a few times, muscles can't be strengthened if we do not exercise them against resistance, and we don't heal without experiencing the pain. "To heal it, you have to feel it."
Quick and frequent anger often results from LFT. A person with LFT doesn't tolerate anything blocking the path of his or her desire; thus the thought, "I should(or must) get what I want." If that doesn't happen, LFT person can't stand himself or herself. Such an inflexible demand leads to another equally inflexible and irrational one, "You should(or must) give me what I want." If people don't, LFT person can't stand them. When the path of LFT person meets even a little resistance, the fuse goes off immediately and automatically. Understanding the big picture raises our frustration tolerance.
LFT people justify their angry outbursts. Their misconceptions about the function of anger are as follows:
1. "I have every right to be angry." Check your assumption very carefully. What will happen if everyone decides to exercise their "right" at the same time? Can you imagine the amount of dirt that will fly in the sky from all the erupting volcanoes all at the same time?
2. "It's good to take it off my chest. I shouldn't hold it in" Careful! If your anger gets out of control, you might end up feeling worse, upset the person who bore the brunt of your anger, and add more "knots" and "tangles" to the problem.
3. "I should let them know exactly how I feel." Okay, but how do you let them know? Without any tact or diplomacy, just plain let them have it? If others sense you are hostile to them, they try to protect themselves and tune you out. Overcoming their hurt and nursing their wounds may occupy them totally. If you express your feelings by hurling insults and profanities at other people, they don't want to know or care how you feel. Remember, when people know you care about them, they care about knowing how you feel . When angry, and acting as if you don't care, the only thing they learn about you is that you are destructive and don't care about the person you are hurting .
4. "If I don't scream and yell, I won't be heard. Loud doesn't get heard here, so I will speak louder" The fact is that people begin to stop listening once the other person yells, snarls, or tries to win by the lung power. Instead of listening, he or she may start overshouting and retaliating. .
5. "You made me angry and now you have to pay for it. I have to punish you." Punishment and revenge are parts of destructive anger. They don't have a place in constructive anger. Punishment and revenge create a negative chain effect of more pain, more anger, more punishment and revenge. Whatever goes around, comes around. If one sows belladonna(a poisonous plant), at the next harvest one reaps nothing else but belladonna.
To maintain satisfactory relationships at home and work, raise your frustration tolerance. LFT can take the joy out of any relationship, no matter how deep and forgiving that relationship is. Anger is not just about hurting and destroying, it can be about creating. Create a change in the conditions that cause anger. Change yourself. Use the energy that anger creates for a positive change rather than "attacking" the other person. Where there is "rage," let there be "annoyance." Annoyance, you can make use of. Rage, you can only regret.
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Irrationalities Related to Low Frustration Tolerance or Short-Range Hedonism
Holding a strong insistence on going only for the pleasures of the moment instead of those of the present and future.
Obsession with immediate gratifications, whatever the costs Whining and strongly pitying oneself when one finds it necessary to surrender short-range pleasures for other gains Ignoring the dangers inherent in going for immediate pleasures.
Striving for ease and comfort rather than for greater satisfactions that require some temporary discomfort.
Refusing to work against a harmful addiction because of the immediate discomfort of giving it up.
Refusing to continue with a beneficial or satisfying program of activity because one views its onerous aspects as too hard and devoutly believes that they should not exist.
Chomping at the bit impatiently when one has to wait for or work for a satisfying condition to occur.
Procrastinating about doing activities that one knows would turn out beneficially and that one has promised oneself to do.
Significantly consuming a scarce commodity that one knows one will very much want in the future.
From The Albert Ellis reader
A BELIEF PAIR
High frustration tolerance (HFT) vs. low frustration tolerance (LFT): High frustration tolerance beliefs are rational in the sense that they are again primarily flexible and not grossly exaggerated. These beliefs are expressed in their full form, thus: 'Failing my driving test would be difficult to tolerate, but I could stand it'. The stronger a person's unmet preference, the more difficult it would be for her to tolerate this situation, but if she holds an HFT belief it would still be tolerable. In this sense, an HFT belief is consistent with reality. It is also logical since it again makes sense in the context of the person's preference. Finally, like a preference and an anti-awfulizing belief, it is constructive since it will help the person take effective action if the negative event that is being faced can be changed and it will encourage the person to make a healthy adjustment if the situation cannot be changed.
Low frustration tolerance beliefs, on the other hand, are irrational in the sense that they are first and foremost grossly exaggerated. They are couched in such statements as 'I can't stand it. 'I can't bear it., 'It's intolerable. When a person has a low frustration tolerance belief, she means one of two things: (i) she will disintegrate or (ii) she will never experience any happiness again. Since these two statements are obviously untrue, an LFT belief is inconsistent with reality. It is also illogical since it is a nonsensical conclusion from the person's implicit rational belief (e.g. 'Because it would be very bad if I failed my driving test, I couldn't stand it if I did fail'). Finally, like musts and awfulizing beliefs, it is unconstructive since it will interfere with the person taking effective action if the negative event that the person is facing can be changed and it will stop the person from making a healthy adjustment if the situation cannot be changed.
From Brief Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy by Windy Dryden
Examples of Rational Beliefs (RB) to Dispute (DIB's) Irrational Beliefs (iB) of LFT - Low Frustration Tolerance and Procrastination
Excerpt from the Albert Ellis Reader
Low Frustration Tolerance
1. (RB) I don't like existing conditions.
(iB) Existing conditions must be changed to give me what I like, otherwise I can't stand it and I can't be happy at all!
2.(RB) I would like immediate gratification.
(iB) I must have immediate gratification and have to have it, or else I can't stand it and my life is awful!
3.(RB) I find hassles and frustrations inconvenient.
(iB) I can't stand hassles!
Procrastination and Avoidance
1.(RB) I want to put off doing what I had better do because I want to do something else right now.
(iB) I must have immediate gratification, and therefore have to put off doing what I'd better do right now.
2.(RB) I want to avoid what I had better do right now, because I temporarily don't feel like doing it.
(iB) I shouldn't have to do what I don't feel like doing, therefore I won't do it, even though I would gain by doing it and lose by not doing it.
3.(RB) I don't feel like doing what I had better do.
(iB) Therefore, I can't stand doing it and won't do it.
4.(RB) I don't want to do what I agreed to do, so I'll put it off as long as feasible.
(iB) Since I shouldn't have to do what I agreed to do but dislike doing, I'll look for excuses to deceive myself and/or others and "prove" that my delays are honest and justified.
5.(RB) (a) It would be better if I did this task well.
(b) However, if I did it, my performance might not be as good as I would like it to be, so I prefer to wait until I can do it better.
(iB) I must avoid a bad performance at all costs, so I'll wait until I know I can perform well. Otherwise, I will show up as an incompetent boob, and I can't stand that!
6. (RB) I want people to think well of me, and they might not, if they know about my defects.
(iB) (a) I must have people think well of me. How awful if they don't!
Conquering LFT (Low Frustration Tolerance)
Albert Ellis, Ph.D.
Overcome your low frustration tolerance when the world is not the way it “should” be. 73 min. CD 73 min