For the past week and a half I have been helping a friend through a difficult time in her relationship. I've been a shoulder to cry on, a sounding board for her to vent frustrations and played devils advocate to show her different perspectives to her problem. I don't mind doing this for people, becuase I truly believe that people would do the same for me, especially someone I consider a close friend.
Fast forward to today. This same friend invited me over for a Backyard BBQ at her house. I thought about it then today declined because I've actually had a stressful week and after feeling terrific for almost three weeks felt like I really backpeddled. I had very bad anxiety and had a stomach ache for 2 days. I've felt very off and very aggitated. I texted her that I had a bad week (she knows about my anxiety) and just wanted to stay in this weekend. She wrote me back saying how she didn't really think sitting in a backyard having a BBQ could be all that stressful and tiring especially since I had the weekend (days off) coming up. I am SO incredibly hurt by this response. I wrote back to that that it wasn't stressful to hang out at a BBQ but the stress I've felt all week has left me exhausted and I just want to stay in and she just said 'ok' and left it at that.
I am hurt and angry and stressed right now. I expected her to be fine with the fact that I just needed some time to myself this weekend (I've spent the last week or two with her and also feeling stressed from hearing about all her stress). I always try to be understanding and even if I'm not, I say I am until I accept it because I know I need to be understanding. I jsut cant' believe she's angry. My expectations of getting back compassion from her was totally off base and I feel slapped in the face. I just feel like a friend should treat you like you treat them AND ITS NOT ALWAYS THE CASE. My expectations let me down and I'm feeling really sad and uncomfortable.
I just started session 5.... but wow, did this really put session 4 into perspective. And the kicker is that I really did't think I had high expectations! So much for that. I just really thought we were connecting and on the same page and now I feel like most of our friendship was in my head because when put to the test (I guess the test of my expectations) I was completely let down.
I don't know if anyone else struggles with expectations but wanted to share bc as someone who thought they didn't, I know see how important it is to realize the importance of this concept
Example of why expecations cause anxiety
-
Guest
I don't want to defend your friend because I am someone who has high expectations - I also feel that someone should give what I do in return. However, from an outsider. It sounds like maybe she thinks it might be a good stress reliever for you to do something different - to keep your mind off of your anxiety. I am sure she knows your exhausted (or maybe she doesn't get that because maybe she doesn't totally understand how exhuasting anxiety can be). So what I am mean is maybe in her own way she thinks she is being helpful and/or supportive. Sometimes we need a kick in the butt to get out of a rutt.
-
Guest
I had the same thoughts plus maybe she sees a bbq as a way to repay you for your support and to spend some quality time with you. I know about the exhaustion and sometimes it helps to get out. Maybe you could go and keep it to one or two hours. As my Mom used to say , "have some fun". She was a smart lady!!