Hi everyone, I'm new and looking for input

[Kiyone]

Hello

Peace be with you all. I saw this program on the tv today and decided to find out from everyday people like you how well it worked for you and any suggestions to help with my situation is most welcomed.

My situation:

I have been struggling with General Anxiety Disorder and Depression since I was about 15 years old. During that time a lot of things had happened. Most of my life my mother's parents looked after me while my birth parents worked, went out or were off doing something else. At the time I didn't really feel like I was abanndoned but as I grew older I seem to notice how my parents never took care of me and never really helped when I needed it the most.

I grew depressed because I always felt I wasn't really wanted by them and felt very alone. My grandfather died when I was age 9 and my grandmother tried to be everything for me up until she died when I was 16 years old. A few months before she passed away she was very sick always in the hospital. I started to develop more feelings of saddness and dispair. My birth mother wouldn't even visit her own mother in the hospital and I felt at the time I should be there for my grandma. I had to watch her die a slow death. When I think about that time it makes me so upset and depressed because I felt like I didn't do enough to help her. I was also angry and resentful at my mother for showing such disrespect for her mother... the lady that took care of me and loved me when my mother didn't.

I approached my grandmother before she fell ill and started telling her how I felt like an outsider to my immediate family (Birth Parents and sister) and I also felt like I never fitted in at school. People that were at school were very mean to me... my sister was a runaway and my mom went into my school and discussed about how my sister ran away infront of the entire class. Kids started laughing at me or avoiding me after that. A few years went by and I ended up in a relationship with a boy whom at first seemed like the best medicine for me because he was caring. About a year into the relationship he started taking drugs and was very verbally and physically abusive to me...

After all of this, the friends I had made all ended up walking out on me saying they couldn't deal with me being sad and they didn't want to help me deal with it. Finally I couldn't take it anymore. I admitted myself into the Mental Health Center.

My psychiatrist over the course of three years only prescribed me a total of three medications which all made me really ill or didn't have any effect at all. One medicine Lexapro, I had a terrible reaction to. I went semi-paralyzed, my speech went into a slur/slow motion, I could barely move. (The best way to explain it is if you've ever seen a movie where a character is in slow motion and mouthing out slow, well that was me.) Anyway, in the end when I kept asking why the medicines weren't working and why I seemed to only be getting physically as well as mentally worse he looked up at me and said, "Well you don't have much choice. Out of these 3 these are the best for you. Which one helped the most?" I asked him about a few different medicines but all he claimed was "Oh those wont work for you." Fed up with his obvious excuses for not taking my case seriously, I left the office and never went back.

I would also like to mention he told my mother it was ok to beat me and tell me to go get a job and pay her month's rent... (I was 19 at the time struggling with trying to even come outside of my house, let alone talk to anyone. Most jobs you need to have communication skills...)Everyday going to school was like kicking a wounded puppy. I went to school I was avoided like a plague and I was thrown out of the car every morning. My mom forced me into the car then thru me out at the front of the building every morning...

After High School I kept riding the emotional rollar coaster. One minute I was ok, next I was sobbing into the carpet eating constantly or not eating at all. I often didn't sleep for days and when I did sleep it was a few hours at a time. It is now four years later... and I'm still feeling terrible, infact, I don't really feel any better. I got interested in a man and he broke my heart because when he told me "Oh you can tell me anything I'll listen" I did, and he started telling other people things like, "Boy she is a few clowns short of a circus." "She's crazy" "She's insane." *sighs*

I'm looking for help... I tried therapy for awhile but after I left the office after my session I felt like it was pointless to go anymore. My parents were invited into the sessions and the whole time I tried to explain to them how I felt and such and my mom brushed it all off saying nothing is wrong with me and she refused to believe in mental disorders and I was lazy and a terrible child. My dad refused to come anymore... I got so worked up I started vomiting, crying and just now I plainly refuse to come out of my room or even talk to them...only when she takes me to work (My very part-time janitor job. I work alone, and she takes my money for the bills...)

Any advice...? Do you think...this program could help me? I'm out of ideas. I'm really sorry this post is long I just am so lost and frustrated.

[Guest]

Hi Kiyone,

This is definitely the place for you, you sound like you are trying to find answers and gain control of your life.

It is disgusting what your parents put you though, but now that you are 19 you have to figure out a way to put this behind you, because blaming them is not going to help you to move ahead.

There are steps you will learn to deal with your panic attacks and also start your new life. The program is work but well worth it.

Welcome to your new life,

[Guest]

Thanks for responding Shif.

Yeah.. I know I can't blame them any longer. After all, it really does no good. They don't even really feel bad so it's just a waste of my breath and time.
Also, it wont really heal anything even if they'd appologize...because I know they would never try to make up for how they treated me over the years.
But thanks for the welcome, and I'll be around. I like this forum..

[Guest]

Kiyone
I am new to this also and the tapes are really helping me alot. I hope you are able to order them soon. These forums are really helpful. I like reading the threads about those who are success stories. They are very motivating and inspiring for me.
Blessings
J~

[Guest]

Kiyone -- I hope you are able to order the program soon too -- I really think this would be GREAT for you. I can't believe your own birth parents are like that -- I wish I could give them a good talking to, but all I can say is get yourself feeling better, know that you are a wonderful person, and you will start attracting positive, more caring people into your life -- you really deserve that!! This program will teach you how to be more unaffected by them and people like them -- good luck to you and feel free to email me anytime!!

[Guest]

Hi Kiyone Welcome

I had a similar childhood so I can understand you pain. I am sorry you are going through all of this. For me my healing didn't begin until I moved out of my parents house. I don't know if it's an option for you right now but you might want to look into it. Even if it is just renting a room in a house.

I hope you can order the program soon. The program was out of my price range so I almost passed it up but they are flexible with the payments so call and see if you can negotiate a monthly payment you can afford. It will be worth looking into.

Please feel free to email me if you want. I am still at the beginning of my recovery but I know you can do it. When I look back at my life when I was 19 I can honestly say that I have come alone way. I may be scarred but I am not broken and neither are you. You are a very strong person who deserves a beautiful life.

All the best
Ali