Life is like a Catch-22

Sparkus · Post by **Sparkus** » Mon May 12, 2008 7:09 am

I am seeking advice for my current situation. Basically, I am finding that my life is one big "Catch-22" after another these days. I'll break it down as follows to give you the complete picture:

For starters, I started a job recently but due to pre-existing physical troubles I have with my lower back it proved to be too much. I had to quit after 4 days or be fired and I've never been fired before or asked to leave a company. I have excruciating pain in my left lower back and left knee and I'm at a place where walking is becoming more difficult. So much so that I am actually using a cane to get around on. My doctor just gives me drugs that are so powerful that I can barely function and the physical therapy I was given was of no value. (Even the doctor didn't agree with the physical therapy I had!!) I am seeing a chiropractor now and while he says he's optimistic for my condition his 'adjustments' are of short-lived value for me and the pain comes flooding back. My insurance covers a small portion of each visit and now the financial strain of going to the chiropractor is rearing it's ugly head. And because I can't work I can't earn enough to afford the chiropractor.

On the job front, I have applied aggressively to over 50 companies and only got the one job I had to leave. Due to my agoraphobia problems I find it difficult to look further out of my area. Most of the jobs seem to be 30 miles away through some very busy traffic and interstate areas and this is overwhelming to me. Of course, because of my physical troubles, I sought out 'sit-down' jobs and because I was a blue-collar type nobody takes me seriously. I'm still looking at job boards and try to network but with the lousy economy it is just tight out there. This morning I paid $3.81 at the gas pump and at the grocery store I was appalled at the high prices of food.

Being in my tenth year of marriage and having the worst anxiety troubles this year of all years is tough. We were to go to Hawaii in July this year for a family vacation. Her parents and several others have planned this for some time and we were going to go do our own thing in this vacation so as to combine our wedding anniversary. As of this date of writing I have managed to go further out of my comfort zone doing some 'exposure therapy' but it has been a long and slow road to recovery for me. I still avoid restaurants, large department stores and the like. This past Sunday for Mother's Day my parents came down to see me instead of the other way around as they live outside my comfort zone. So to imagine that i can drive the 40 miles to our airport here, actually board a plane and fly for a total of 7 hours to a spot of land in the middle of the Pacific Ocean seems just a little overwhelming.

I have had some troubles in my marriage because of my anxiety. While my spouse has been a true supporter of me she is tired of not having someone there to support her. I understand wholeheartedly where she is coming from. But I also feel my complaints about my anxiety and my avoidances have worn things down to a boiling point at home. I know she wants to move ahead in life but with me, it's like having an anchor tied around your waist. It has been verbalized to me that she is not happy anymore. And so now it seems that I may lose my marriage over this crap.

It amazes me how I have gone through the program probably 3 times, seen two different therapists, gone to church, prayed and read countless other books on self-development and overcoming fear to end up where I am today. I am frustrated and confounded as to what I should do. Today I have been losing things that were important to me (career) and now stand to lose so much more.

I'm open to any constructive advice. I've been in tough times before and always survive them. But it's time to start living and I really need a boost. Thanks allowing me to vent and for offering any advice you can.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon May 12, 2008 10:04 am

It sounds like you need a change in perspective. Have you looked into "work from home programs?" There are many companies that offer this service. Alpine/Access is supposed to be very reputable. Have you looked into disability? It is nearly impossible to get these days and it takes a good two years for the process to get working. I doubt this helps but the best course of action is to work with your employer for potential resolutions. If you are disabled, termination could violate EEOC and ADA.

Sporadic · Post by **Sporadic** » Mon May 12, 2008 1:10 pm

I am so sorry you are having all these problems in your life. My husband is very kind and considerate but at times I know he gets very frustrated and upset with my inabilities to do certain things. I don't know the answers for you but I just wanted you to know that I feel for you.
Concerning a job, I clean residential and commercial places part time. This is the only type of work I am able to do at this time. Perhaps you could meet with a vocational counselor.
Anyway God bless you and keep trying.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue May 13, 2008 7:39 am

Thanks for both of your responses. Guess I'm a little surprised to not hear from others I've known for a long time on here (?)

The main thing I must overcome is my anxiety issues. If I could be free to be and to go wherever and whenever like I used to then a lot of my troubles can go away.

Steven- I'm not at present considered disabled and you are right, it is next to impossible to apply for disability. The best thing I can do is apply and find a job nearby home to go to while I continue to work on the program and build myself back up again in mind and body. Hopefully my marriage will sustain through this and the disappointments to come.

rose_thorn98 · Post by **rose_thorn98** » Tue May 13, 2008 8:33 am

Hi Sparkus

You're mind must be racing with all those nasty thoughts-been there. Do you realize you acctually turned it around with your thank you response? You put things right by stating the facts,thinking of options,kind of making a plan,and then summing it all up. You can do this just work on one thing at a time,I do suggest however, that when one positive thing happens recognize it make it the first linke on the chain that you will build to hold on to and keep building. You have to research all you can in regards to your health and employment opportunities,I know you feel you have but keep trying. Wishing you all the best!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue May 13, 2008 9:07 am

I just wanted to respond to your issues you're having with your back and leg pain. Have you had an MRI done? This will most likely pinpoint the problem. I had cervical issues with the C6/7 disk in my neck which was herniated. I tried physical therapy, a chiroprator, pain meds, steriod injections, etc.
The final outcome ended up being an anterior cervical fusion...removal of the disk, and cadaver bone, titanium plate and screws are then inserted. This was an immediate cure for the excruciating pain I had endured for 13 weeks. The pain was about an 18 on a 1-10 scale....which made me extremely depressed. I hope something can be done to alleviate your physical pain, which will help you mentally and emotionally....good luck.