I told the plunge on Wednesday. Not something I planned to do but it happened. After days of silent treatment, my husband had enough. He confronted me on my problem. That confrontation lead to the police being called, me being screamed at and tormented by my MIL, followed by a completely detached husband who wanted to have an actual conversation with me when it was all over. They last 2 days have been more calm, minus a sometimes heated conversation with my husband on the phone last night. He told me if it meant divorce or getting help for his anger, he would get help.
The problem, I don't know if I want to try anymore. After 14 years of fighting, of meddling insulting inlaws, stress beyond belief, health problems, etc. I just am worn out. Partly, I don't believe he will carry throw with the therapy. Or he will just go through the motions and get nothing out of it. Partly, so much water has past under this bridge, I don't know if it can be kept above water anymore. Partly, I just can't deal with his family, specifically mother, any more.
I cannot ask him to chose between me and his mom. But, I told him in all honesty, that I am done with her. I know we are to forgive as part of our journey to getting better, but I cannot forget and I do not want to open myself back up to her. After being insulted, demeaned, screamed at, humiliated, etc. for over an hour in my own home, I have decided this is one person I do not need in my life anymore.
So, I ask, how can a marriage be saved when there has been infedelity, abuse, inability to get along between families, disagreements on everything from finances,to children, to how I wear my hair? Can it possiblly be saved or are we just prolonging the inevitable?
I am at a loss.
What do I do?
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Guest
First, are you and the children safe? If not move to a shelter or some place you feel safe from the inlaw and your husband. Change the lock, whatever. Second, seek counseling either at a women's shelter, church or ask the "crisis line" to recommend someone. After you have had enough counseling and of this program to get your mental acuity back, then you will be able to make a decision of what you want to do regarding your marriage. The kind of life you are living is not healthy for you or the children. Marriages can be healed miraculously or through a lot of hard work from both partners, but right now you are too tired, do not have enough information to make a choice, and he has not done enough to prove he will change. It appears you have made a good decision to separate yourself from your mother inlaw. My thoughts are to take a long time and get help for yourself, then talk to him through a marriage counselor if he is willing. But do not what if or should until then. Let it go, give yourself to God, and brighter days are ahead for you. Stay in touch here in the forums with people who care and are going through tough times ourselves.
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Guest
I am okay. I think I need to clarify a little. My husband has never beat me. He has pushed me, held me to keep from leaving a room and has verbally and emotionally abused me with name calling, threatening, screaming, you name it. He is a very controlling personality. He won't admit it. Won't admit abuse either as abuse to him is the women you see on Oprah with eyes swollen shut from having been kicked to near death. He says he has never made me bleed. To his credit, he has not. But sometimes it is the words that hurt more.
I don't know where I stand anymore. I know I will not stand for him laying his hands on me in anger or threatening me anymore, which I was I called the police. I think maybe that finally scared him and will prevent him from crossing that line again. But, the problem still remains. Can and do I want to save this marriage. I have read the studies on children of divorce and how it effects them and I know how difficult of a fight this would be as he has already told me that I am not taking his kids from him and that I do not have a choice but to stay married. Funny, that sounds threatening too. There is no reasoning with him. He wants his family and that is the way it has to be.
I would have left Wednesday night had my children not been there. The police said since there is no court order they could not force either one of us to leave the home and I was not leaving without my children. So, I stayed. I have stayed all week.
Now, his aunt past away this morning. Despite everything, I do feel sorry for him and I told him so. I even gave him a hug. It felt weird, but I felt compelled to do it. I even made him breakfast which was met with a "why are you being nice to be now, because my aunt died."
I just don't know what I want and I told him that. I only know things are going to have to change in so many ways for me to even consider staying. He has to get therapy (which he said he would), his mom has to stay out of our lives (which I know won't happen) and we have to repair the trust in our marriage. It feels hopeless. If he would be an adult about this and admit we don't get along and work with me that would be wonderful, but he won't. He only sees what he wants.
I don't want to hurt him, I really don't. He is a great dad, just not a great husband, for me. How can he change unless he truly understands what he is doing wrong?
I don't know where I stand anymore. I know I will not stand for him laying his hands on me in anger or threatening me anymore, which I was I called the police. I think maybe that finally scared him and will prevent him from crossing that line again. But, the problem still remains. Can and do I want to save this marriage. I have read the studies on children of divorce and how it effects them and I know how difficult of a fight this would be as he has already told me that I am not taking his kids from him and that I do not have a choice but to stay married. Funny, that sounds threatening too. There is no reasoning with him. He wants his family and that is the way it has to be.
I would have left Wednesday night had my children not been there. The police said since there is no court order they could not force either one of us to leave the home and I was not leaving without my children. So, I stayed. I have stayed all week.
Now, his aunt past away this morning. Despite everything, I do feel sorry for him and I told him so. I even gave him a hug. It felt weird, but I felt compelled to do it. I even made him breakfast which was met with a "why are you being nice to be now, because my aunt died."
I just don't know what I want and I told him that. I only know things are going to have to change in so many ways for me to even consider staying. He has to get therapy (which he said he would), his mom has to stay out of our lives (which I know won't happen) and we have to repair the trust in our marriage. It feels hopeless. If he would be an adult about this and admit we don't get along and work with me that would be wonderful, but he won't. He only sees what he wants.
I don't want to hurt him, I really don't. He is a great dad, just not a great husband, for me. How can he change unless he truly understands what he is doing wrong?
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Guest
Dear proud mom,
Please read your own words.
Abuse is not just hitting. What you describe is abuse 100 percent. And even though you think he is a good dad, the way he treats you is teaching them disrespect for you and others and is not at all healthy for them. That is why I suggested getting away from him to someplace where people who have been through it all can teach you what is healthy and how to protect yourself and the kids from what is happening not from your current perception of what is abuse.
You need to at least get the counseling from someone who knows about and normally treats family abuse victims. You can call a shelter or a crisis line for recommendations. Even if you do not do anything else, please seek the counseling. Tell your husband that you just need some help for yourself. Then you can go from there when you are stronger and more aware of your options. Right now I think you need more information on your situation and your options.
You are a good person and do not deserve to be treated that way by anyone especially a family member. And the children do not need to witness that. They could hold it against you later. I know many people who are products of divorce who turned out fine. They love BOTH parents but understand that what their father does is not acceptable and respect their mother for not allowing herself to be treated that way.
One more thing and I will shut up.(at least for now) How can he truly know he needs to change when you allow him to get away with it because you stay. There is no lasting consequence in that.
At least think about it.
Please read your own words.
Abuse is not just hitting. What you describe is abuse 100 percent. And even though you think he is a good dad, the way he treats you is teaching them disrespect for you and others and is not at all healthy for them. That is why I suggested getting away from him to someplace where people who have been through it all can teach you what is healthy and how to protect yourself and the kids from what is happening not from your current perception of what is abuse.
You need to at least get the counseling from someone who knows about and normally treats family abuse victims. You can call a shelter or a crisis line for recommendations. Even if you do not do anything else, please seek the counseling. Tell your husband that you just need some help for yourself. Then you can go from there when you are stronger and more aware of your options. Right now I think you need more information on your situation and your options.
You are a good person and do not deserve to be treated that way by anyone especially a family member. And the children do not need to witness that. They could hold it against you later. I know many people who are products of divorce who turned out fine. They love BOTH parents but understand that what their father does is not acceptable and respect their mother for not allowing herself to be treated that way.
One more thing and I will shut up.(at least for now) How can he truly know he needs to change when you allow him to get away with it because you stay. There is no lasting consequence in that.
At least think about it.
Dear Proud Mom
There is wisdom in what sandrakay had to say.
You are between a rock and a hard place for sure but that does not mean you are without options or without help. It is hard to think clearly and calmly when you are in the midst of chaos. I have always told myself, "when in doubt, do nothing" but not when one's personal safety or mental well being is at stake. You some how have to find the strength to rise above it all for the sake of yourself and that of your children. Take it one step at a time in the right direction but start moving. I agree with sandrakay, seek out the help of a professional. It may be one of the hardest things you ever do but there is no greater investment than taking care of your children and yourself.
Your husband may feel that he has the upper hand right now but that would be a false sense of security and a huge mistake on his part. Women are very strong and courageous; never lose sight of that fact. There is nothing we can't accomplish with a little bit of encouragement and support. It's there for the taking so don't let fear, self-doubt, or anything else paralyze you.
My heart goes out to you and your children.
There is wisdom in what sandrakay had to say.
You are between a rock and a hard place for sure but that does not mean you are without options or without help. It is hard to think clearly and calmly when you are in the midst of chaos. I have always told myself, "when in doubt, do nothing" but not when one's personal safety or mental well being is at stake. You some how have to find the strength to rise above it all for the sake of yourself and that of your children. Take it one step at a time in the right direction but start moving. I agree with sandrakay, seek out the help of a professional. It may be one of the hardest things you ever do but there is no greater investment than taking care of your children and yourself.
Your husband may feel that he has the upper hand right now but that would be a false sense of security and a huge mistake on his part. Women are very strong and courageous; never lose sight of that fact. There is nothing we can't accomplish with a little bit of encouragement and support. It's there for the taking so don't let fear, self-doubt, or anything else paralyze you.
My heart goes out to you and your children.
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Guest
Sandrakay is right. I would recommend you speak with someone (counselor) from a woman's shelter that is familiar with the dynamics of this kind of a situation. Pushing, preventing you from leaving a room, screaming, threatening, and name calling are all abuse and can escalate very quickly. Do not take this lightly and do not make excuses for him. You need to think of your welfare and the welfare of your children. I am perplexed over the response from the police on this issue.?? I didn't think a court order was needed on a call regarding possible domestic violence.
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Guest
I agree with Sandrakay. You need a break. I have been in the same situation. After a while I couldn't recognize what is acceptable and what is not. My kids were grown though. A friend of mine also went through the same thing when her children were little. After a bout of him building caskets in the backyard and being called by the fbi, because he had been soliciting a hit man, she finally went to a woman's shelter with her kids. They gave her a lot of nuturing and support. She relocated to another state, and I am happy to say that she is a happy woman now. I am not saying you need to go to those extremes, but they offer a lot of support, and counselling. Good luck.
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Guest
Thank you all for your heart felt replies. I truly appreciate you taking the time to read and respond to my problem. I remain confused. I think a lot of it has to do with self-doubt codependency and just familiarity. But, I also think deep down somewhere I still love him and want to save our marriage. I just don't know how practical that is. Would he really discontinue his relationship with his mom? Would he really go to therapy and get something out of it? Will he learn to losen up and stop being so controlling? I have my doubts on all of it. I think if I did not have kids, there would be no question. But I do, 3 and 5, and I don't want to screw them up as he keeps telling me I will. I also don't want the fight. I have fought for so long. I also feel some blame. I am a sarcastic person (that is my defense mechanism) and I can be difficult. I could not have made life easy for him. I wish a magic wand could be waved and it all go away. I have spoke to my priest and spoke to an attorney and was in therapy up to a few months ago. I know what my options are and what do do next, I just can't get myself to go there yet. I don't want to label him abusive which is what will happen if I get a restraining order, which is the only thing that will allow me to take my kids rights now. I don't want to go there and set the tone for the separation. Mostly because I am scared. He scares me at times. His family scares me. But, staying in the same home and not talking is not helping things either. I will talk to my priest again and my attorney. I will also give my previous counselor a call. Thank you all again.