How will I ever find someone to love me?

missgsr · Post by **missgsr** » Mon Dec 15, 2008 10:27 am

My last boyfriend 5 years ago was very unsupportive about my anxiety. He was one of those, "Why don't you just snap out of it," kind of people.

I've finally found someone I click with again. I was great when we met but about three weeks later, I started having horrible anxiety again (not because of him, just in general).

He told me yesterday that he feels uncomfortable when we're together and I'm having anxiety and that he "doesn't know if I'm ready for a relationship." I'm not mad at him because he is totally entitled to his feelings but now I'm all worried that he's going to decide that he can't deal with it and bail.

Yes, I struggle with anxiety but I have so much love to give and have been ready for a relationship for a long time. I'm not like this ALL the time but anxiety is something that I will have to deal with in life.

How will I ever find someone who will love and support me no matter what? I feel like I'll be alone forever.

Lynnier · Post by **Lynnier** » Mon Dec 15, 2008 10:35 am

Not at all, missgsr! There is a person out there who will love and understand you for the person that you are.
My marriage ended 12 years ago when my husband died, and I had never felt so lonely in all my life. I thought there would never be another person who would love and understand me the way he did. After all, I'm depressed and anxious and have several other related problems.
I have found the second love of my life, and never thought I'd find a person I understood more, or who understands me more. It just takes time.
Sometimes when God closes a door, he opens a window. We just can't stare so hard at the closed door, we miss that opened window.
~Lynnier

missgsr · Post by **missgsr** » Mon Dec 15, 2008 1:11 pm

Thank you for your kind words, Lynnier. I know my Mr. Right is out there but sometimes my lonliness gets the best of me.

How does everyone else's spouse/significant other react to your anxiety? Do you receive the support you need?

RodH · Post by **RodH** » Mon Dec 15, 2008 1:47 pm

MISGSR, all I can say is get in the program, work it with determination. Anxiety, or I should say the fears we deal with CAN be overcome! I repeat ! it CAN be dealt with and you can be soooo much more free that you feel right now! I know from experience! ANd do not put yourself in a catagory that you think of yourself as someone that is unique and can never get over it, that is false!
Yes, right now if there is fear and lots of concern in your thinking, many dont understand you (US!)
YOU must work on YOU for now. Put a great deal of effort into it. DO NOT go around trying to please everyone either!(maybe you dont but many do) For now and for your future, you is what you need to work on.
hey, if you want to discuss this further leave a PM for me because I rarely check back on my postings.

Take care,
Rod

Caseyannr · Post by **Caseyannr** » Mon Dec 15, 2008 2:07 pm

I completely understand where you are coming from. I was in a relationship for 7 years and dealt with a jerk. He could not understand where I was coming from. His favorite thing to say was "get over it". All I needed was for him to hold my hand. Lets just say I finially got the courage and left him. My father had passed away from kidney failure and felt if I could handle losing him, I would have no problem leaving a jerk.

So its been almost two years I've been single. There is a part of me that fears that I will never meet anyone who could understand me. I've been on two dates...which didn't go very well. I had a major anxiety attack at the movies. I think I scared the guy.

I know in time that I will change. It's gonna be a long process. I've been like this for so long that I fear I will never be "normal". I want to find someone that loves me for me. I know that I have a heart of gold and that there is someone out there. I'm just starting to think that maybe he got lost.

pecos · Post by **pecos** » Mon Dec 15, 2008 2:20 pm

Many years ago (seems like at least a few hundred

) I used to spend a lot of wasted time worrying about how much, or if, some fellow did or didn't like me/love me. Believe me, you want to just put those worries aside and make yourself the best person you want to be. You have to live in your own skin, and if you love yourself, that's all that really matters in the end. Happiness is an inside job.

m2spoild · Post by **m2spoild** » Mon Dec 15, 2008 3:01 pm

Hi. You WILL find your Mr. Right - stop looking for him and just let is happen. My "better half" and I met through mutual friends. He has been so supportive of my anxiety, though it tends to stress him out in a big way. We, key word, are learning to cope with MY anxiety and move forward by using this program. I'm only through week 2 of the tapes but I already feel a difference. Keep up with the program and rely on the people on this website. Think about keeping a diary and take things one day at a time.

RodH · Post by **RodH** » Mon Dec 15, 2008 3:14 pm

Ditto to pecos and M2 !
I started thinking about this post again and I had to add this to it:
NOBODY defines Who, What or secure you are except YOU!
As you probably remember that Lucinda mentions ( and books I have read aslo) that an overwhelming majority of anxiety suffers are very kind, loving, big hearted people! This is sooooo very true! Also mentioned is many are very intelligent.
MISSGSR, DON'T let the fact of having or not having a boyfriend define you nor let it control your future.
When you are much better, you will not have to worry about being the 'diferent' one in the crowd. Renew your mind! that's where it's at.

Stock Lady · Post by **Stock Lady** » Mon Dec 15, 2008 3:22 pm

I got married when I was 37. I had given up looking, and I was going to dog training class when I met him. Do what you are interested in. I used to put up with some really awful men. I was so desperate not to be alone. I put up with them telling me I needed to loose weight, when at the time I was about a size 10. They made me feel ugly and inadequate. My husband loves me no matter what.

sandrakay · Post by **sandrakay** » Mon Dec 15, 2008 6:54 pm

Mssgr,

You feel you will never be normal? Guess what?
We are normal. Only 4% of the population is healthy. The other 96% of us are dysfunctional in some way. So congratulations! You are normal! Now just keep working at accepting yourself and helping yourself be the best, most confident, lovable, loving normal that you can be with or without anyone else.

I have read that we cannot truly love anyone else until we learn to love ourselves. Because then we will have no expectations or limitations on us or them.

One more thing, if he bails, he was not the person you want anyway. So do not worry. If it happens, it happens. And it is not your fault and there is nothing you could do to stop it.

Positive self talk. Remind me, positive self talk.