still suffering

estherbunny · Post by **estherbunny** » Wed Aug 26, 2009 11:12 am

I have gone through the program twice, and the coaching program once. Although I have learned what to do to try to deal with the panic attacks when they come, they have not stopped coming. I feel that I am scared all the time, and feel that I am always "a few steps below" a panic attack at any given time. I had an extremely abusive childhood, and only survived it by denying(to myself) the reality of the situation. So, I have finally faced what happenned to me as a youg child, but I am still in that place of utter despair, hopelessness, and futility. Back then,as a child, no matter what I did, nothing changed. As an adult, dealing with depression and anxiety and panic attacks, it feels the same way.... no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, nothing really seems to change. So my question is this... is there someone who has had PAs, anxiety and depression all their life, and who has also had an extremely abusive and life-threatening childhood, who has turned things around and felt OK? Right now,(and all my life,really), I feel no joy, no anticipation and no hope. Just to give you a little background, I have a loving and supportive husband, friends and a career. I have been in therapy for most of my adult life, and haved tried many anti-depressants, but they do not seem to work for me. Anti-anxiety drugs do seem to work, but do nothing for the depression, and I do not want to be on them for the rest of my life. I have been off all drugs for at least three years. Any helpful suggestions or places to turn to, to try to change things for myself?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Aug 26, 2009 4:41 pm

Esther
Sorry you are going thru such a rough spell. I too had a very harsh childhood with some PTSD and I am letting those issues fall by the wayside while concentrate on dealing with my physical anxious feelings. Since they are just conditioned reflexes. Have you also had a physical done recently? I ask this because I was having alot of anxious symptoms too even though I am on meds for this and it ended up my Thyroid was completley out of whack. I was dizzy and having palpitations and nausea and I Thought maybe I was pregnant even, and it ends up it was just my Thyroid. Now taking the med for that I feel better.I am still going to continue the program and suplementing it with my faith and good strong friends. Take care Esther and keep posting .

Jill~

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Aug 27, 2009 4:17 am

This is very strange. Jillz, I just wrote a fairly long reply to your message, and just at the end, right before I was to "post" it, it disappeared from the screen. The exact same thing happened to the original message I posted...the one you replied to is actually the second one I sent. I wonder if this has happened to anyone else? Anyway, thank you for your reply. I think that I need to change my relationship with the world (not just my relationship with the anxiety, depression and PAs), and that is what I seem not able to do. So,thanks to the program, I can better deal with these things (and they are ever-present), but I can't seem to make effective changes and recover. I feel that it goes back to the time when I was very little, and had no one. Nothing was safe. Both my parents were abusive, and, believe me, had I told someone, I would be dead. So, while I have loving friends, a loving husband, a job, a career, I cannot "feel" all the good things I have... it is almost that they are an illusion that will be all gone in a second. I know that I need to change how I feel, but I don't seem to be able to do that....I mean I know that I am the only one with the power to change things for myself, but although I have tried everything imaginable, nothing really has changed. I am still that terrified little child who is "stuck", and just has to endure. Granted, I lived through it, but in my head I am still that child who is terrified every second. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Aug 27, 2009 5:12 am

Esther although I dont have any experience in your type of childhood situation I wanted to say that Im so proud of you....look at how far you have come. To have survived that childhood and to go on to have a career, children, a marriage you really deserve a whole lot of praise. I think sometimes its a huge hurdle in our recovery to give ourselves the praise and support we deserve.

I cant say any words that will erase the memories that haunt you but I can say that you have done a wonderfull job of continuing on despite your dispair and that my friend is a huge accomplishment.

Dont be too hard on yourself....dont try so hard to be better....you doing pretty darn good the way you are sometimes letting go of the constant pressure to be "well" is exactly the thing that can free you from its grip.

You keep going and know that you are in inspiration to neglected and abused children. You give hope to that child that doesnt see a future and for that I commend you! Thank you for sharing your story!
Love Dodger

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Aug 27, 2009 11:55 am

Dear Dodger,
Thank you for your kind and encouraging reply. It brought tears to my eyes. I think you have addressed a problem for me...trying to be "well". I want to be well so very much. I never have been, and I have never felt that peacefulness and happiness that I imagine others feel. And I think like a lot of us, I am very responsible, a good employee, a great friend...in other words, to the outside world, I look like everything is fine. Inside, of course, it is totally different. I know that I should be grateful, as I have very few limitations,but I am so hard on myself because I feel so awful all the time, and have never escaped these fearful feelings. I am not afraid of anything specific,(although there are some things that I have difficulty with, i.e. claustrophobia and locked rooms, just to name a couple).... I am just afraid all the time. One small correction, though...I don't have any children, for reasons that are not too hard to figure out. So, thank you...your words touched me.