Relationships

Meganvador · Post by **Meganvador** » Fri May 15, 2009 6:25 pm

I'm new to this so I'm sorry if this has been discussed before.

I've been dealing with my anxiety for a few years. In the past year and a half, my anxiety has progressively gotten a lot worse and has affected my relationships with men. I've been dating a wonderful man for about 2 months now but I'm afraid if I don't learn how to overcome my anxiety, it is going to ruin another relationship. I've been open with him about my anxiety, because I've found that hiding it only makes the situation worse. He says he understands but it is still causing problems.
I don't know how to control myself. When he is around I'm too nervous I'll say something to make him hate me or I'll have a panic attack. I've had a few panic attacks with him around before and it is really hard for him to watch. He says he feels awkward and doesn't know what to do. He says I become detached like I'm unreachable and he can't talk any sense into me to calm down. Whenever I've had them he tells me over and over to calm down which, in my opinion, just makes the situation worse. I don't know how to tell him to react or how to make him understand and I'm afraid if I can't make him understand, I'll never be able to let go of the fear of having an attack when I'm with him.
I also have horrible mood swings sometimes if I've been particularly anxious that day. I can go from happy to angry to crying in seconds. I try extremely hard to control my emotions but sometimes I find it nearly impossible. He says things and I take them completely the wrong way. The crazy thing is I know I'm taking them the wrong way. I'll be thinking how stupid I'm being. Sometimes I'll even say I'm being really stupid. But then I still can't help feeling like he was personally attacking me or making fun of me.
My anxiety affects us the most when we're not together. I have a huge fear of people I love leaving me. Whenever we aren't together I'm constantly wondering what he's doing or if I'll ever see him again. I'm always afraid something will happen to him or that he will suddenly decide he doesn't want to be with me. Usually when he isn't around I become so depressed I have a hard time performing routine activities.
He can tell me he loves me 10 times in a row and I will still feel like he doesn't really love me. I feel like I can never be close enough to him. I'm always afraid he'll think I'm crazy.

Aside from my worries about our relationship, I'm worried of how relationships in general affect my mind and anxiety disorder. I've realized that I am entirely too emotionally dependent on the men i date. I'm afraid my obsession with keeping whichever relationship I'm in going is severely hindering my life. It takes so much focus away from my college work, my job, and my friendships. I'm worried that by being so focused on my love life, I'll completely lose the things that are important in my life.
I know a lot of my problems with my fear of people I love leaving stem from my childhood, particularly from my relationship with my father. However, I really want to lead a normal life and I feel like this is one of the biggest problems my anxiety causes.
If anyone has any advice, whether it be how to explain anxiety and panic disorders to a significant other or how you personally overcame anxiety-related relationship problems, I would be extremely grateful!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat May 16, 2009 4:59 pm

Well, you sound JUST like me It is the crappiest thing to deal with I KNOW The only reason I ever thought I even had a problem was because of my relationships with men I am still having a lot of trouble with it My only advice I can give is to just do the relaxation CD as much as humanly possible and really really get a good relaxation response in your mind so when you are with him and you are about to have a knee jerk reaction out of insecurity you can calmly not react to it and stay in your center of self control and confidence Or quickly bring yourself back if you do react This is a really hard thing to go through I know and I can't say i've completely overcome it because I really haven't but I also haven't been that diligent with my relaxation CD and I know that if would be diligent with it along with some serious affirmations like for example "I'm confident with men" I would be where I want to But this isn't just wam bam it's done kind of thing, this is something you have to work at till it becomes second nature but it is possible its just a matter of changing the way you think and replacing a bad thought habit with a good thought habit, Hope this helps Let me know how it goes please

Abby

ps go buy the books why men love bitches by sherri argov and there's another one called why men marry bitches they're essential but what's more essential is having your own sense of self and being able to detatch from your insecurities and there's a website called panicportal i heard about from mrs tbones that's really great and it teaches u to not reject your feelings because they are a part of you so ur rejecting yourself when you try not to feel them

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat May 16, 2009 5:57 pm

Megan...I have a best friend who used to have severe panic attacks. She explained to her boyfriend (now hubby) how she felt during one of her panic attacks, and how to calm her down.

She told him to make sure and tell her during an attack that she was okay, and reassure her that it was only anxiety and panic attacks.

He learned to do this, and this helped her sooo much. He later became her safe person.

They have been married for around 7 years, now. She never had the program, but, has come soooo far!!! She is much more independent, now!!!

They have two sons together...God sure has been good to the two of them!!!

She was anointed at church for her fears, and overcame most of them through this anointing.

I taught her sooo much, since, I was another one of her "safe people"..

She comes and goes now as she pleases.

BTW...She had the fear of loss also, since, she lost her first child to SIDS, and her former hubby (the father of that baby) left her as soon as the baby passed away!!!

She has come sooo far, that it is hard to explain. She used to be terrified of losing her hubby, and clung to him for dear life. She realizes now, that he loves her unconditionally and she feels much more secure!!!

I pray this helped in some way...God Bless

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed May 20, 2009 3:47 am

Wow Megan I can totally relate to your story. First of all I just want to say that I think it's great you opened up to your boyfriend after dating for such a short period of time. Opening up to someone new and whom you love is really hard. I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year and half and it took me a whole year to tell him about my anxiety! I just kept on trying to hide it from him. It's hard for someone who doesn't have an anxiety problem to understand it. They don't know how it feels. I've had panic attacks around my boyfriend too. Before I even really told him about my panic attacks and I'd get them around him I'd feel mad at him for not helping or doing something. What could he do though? I relied so much on him and on others to "fix" me. When I have a panic attack now, which is kind of rare, I just tell him I'm having one and he USUALLY reacts by asking what he can do. He can't really do anything though. He rubs my back a little and I just do my breathing and sometimes go outside and get air. It's just really great that you've opened up to him. I too find myself very dependent on men. I never had a good relationship with my father so I always felt the need to have a boyfriend and I always relied on them way too much. I'm still working on this. It's hard to picture myself now without my boyfriend. Sometimes I do and I actually like the thought...I want to be independent. I'm working on trying to be indepedent while being in a relationship, it's very hard. Good luck Megan I hope all is well