New to the program- my story

Pickingflowers · Post by **Pickingflowers** » Thu Sep 03, 2009 4:04 pm

Hi everyone,
I just started the program yesterday. I am a college student but have come home from school. Last year, my depression and anxiety just got so out of control that I was afraid to leave my dorm room to go to class or even to go to the cafeteria. I ended up losing about fifteen pounds because I wasn't eating. I came home. I took meds. (Gained too much weight back) I started to get better, and was signed up for this year's classes. Then...my medicine started giving me suicidal thoughts. I got scared and quit taking it. I started having panic attacks again. The fatigue came back. Everything came back. I think I was partly suppressing it all because I wanted so badly to just go back to school! In light of recent events, I made the decision to not go. So....here I am. At home. I am dreadfully missing everyone at school. However, I am trying to focus on doing productive things.
I know that I HAVE TO get a job while I am home PRONTO. However, I am having a tough time. I am doing well enough to drive my car around, but sometimes I will pull up to the mall (or some business) to get an application and just FREAK! One of my fears is that someone will think I am not smart. I am so terrified that I will see someone I know and seeing that I am not in school anymore, the person will assume I flunked out. I am also afraid that if I DO get a job, I will mess up in front of someone I know or my co-workers. I normally wouldn't be so afraid of messing up, but my anxiety is making me so dumb! I can't seem to remember anything. Sometimes I can't even read! The other day, I literally forgot where I was for about five seconds.

RANDOM THOUGHT:
Being a performer, I have to think about so many things at once. With this anxiety I don't have that capability. It is so heartbreaking to not be able to remember lines or take direction properly or to even be able to dive into a character and bring life to it! I can't bring life to a character when I don't feel life in myself

. I miss the stage...and I miss how I used to feel on the stage. It absolutely depresses me.

Thank you all for listening. In the mean time, I will be working on the program.

Sincerely,

*PickingFlowers*

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Sep 05, 2009 1:54 am

Picking Flowers,

My husband is an actor and he said a great deal of being able to perform is being able to relax, so I understand your sorrow at not being able to do that right now.

You just started the program, and I just finished it, so I want to encourage you to take it a session at a time and I promise you will find ways to take control of your life back. It takes practice and it doesn't happen overnight, but it does work! Don't worry about what anyone else thinks; it's what YOU think that matters. Lots of people leave school and come back later. And as for making mistakes? Welcome to the human race!

Your fearful thoughts grow and scare you into believing that they are true. You will learn how to face them and not let them bowl you over. Again, it takes practice but it is SO gratifying to be able to have some control back.

You have a goal of getting back on stage. Keep that in your mind as you deal with your issues. I write lists of things to do for the day. If I can, I get out and do things out in the world. If I can't, I make a list of things I can do around the house. Small steps become larger with practice. And soon you'll be able to hit the stage again. Go for it!

Leslie

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Sep 05, 2009 2:42 am

Bees4me is right. I just left my job because the stress of it was literally making me sick(er). The program really does help. While it doesn't eliminate anxiety, it teaches you how to deal with it and prevent it.