Moving To Another State im really scared
I started the program about 2 months,thou i will admit its been on and off thing,there are days where i use self talk to help me cope,but there are other days when things don't go my way i seem to feel like there is no hope.or its too hard for me to do,im a work in progress and im working on these skills to better myself,but i feel like i sometimes can do more,im also trying to prepare myself for a huge change in my life,about 6 months i contacted a very dear female friend of mine that i knew from high school,i haven't seen or spoken to her in about 13 years,we where always great friends but we also had the crush on each other,but at the time it wasnt't possible due to that fact she was in a relation with one of my friends,fast forward 13 years,i search for her and found her,which was great,but after a few weeks of chating with her i coudn't help but express my feeling,at first she was confused and wasn't sure whet my intentions where,which i don't blame her for it,well as the months past we connected,she wanted to see me,so she booked a flight on june of this year to Tampa,Fl where here grandmother live,at the time she wanted me to meet here there,which due to my panic attacks was to scared to take the trip from Miami to Tampa,so i did something that i regreated extremely,i told her a lie to avoid takeing that trip,which i will add hurt me completely,not only did i back out because of my fear but i lie to her,i really beat my self up thouse few days,fast foward to August,one night as we where talking she said going to book a flight to miami to see you,and i was very greatful i would get the chance to be face to face with her,and when she finaliy arrived it was like the 13 years had never passed,we started where we left off ,everyhing was great,for once in my life i was in love,i felt that there was a future for me,i spent 13 years living in miami,and i thought that my life was just about being alone dating on and off,no kids,but now it not like that,and i don't want to live that life anymore either,i expalain to her about my panic dissorder,and she understands,but not completely,or at least thats what i assume,i love her and want to make a bright future,but i know i cant do it here in Miami,i need to go to GA where she lives,and i will say im scared very scared,im not good in cars and long travels,i guess im kinda a Agoraphobic,and i say kinda because i somethimes can take the short rides on highways,roads and i withstand the panic,i feel my hands sweat,i get a bit uneasy,you know your typical panic attack,but i hold it,i choose not to take medications,beacause i don't want to depend on them,and i have in the past but,i did't feel right,i wasn't functional,so i stoped,i been living with this for 16 years now,and im tired of it,thats why i got the program,and my girlfriend is expecting me to be in GA in about 3 weeks from now Sep 25 of this month,i will tell you the truth ,im very fearful and scared,thats a fact but i do know one thing i live my girlfriend and this is something that i must do to move on ,to be happy,to change,and inside my fear is telling me no,but my heart is telling me go,andi will go,im not sure if a panic attack ever killed anyone before,but i will go even if it kills me,there is a quote thats been stuck in my head,and it reads like this(Guilt is regret for what we’ve done. Regret is guilt for what we didn’t do.”)and i will regret it if i dont go.