Post
by Guest » Wed Jun 17, 2009 7:57 am
Hi,
It's been about three years since the first time I did the program. I don't drive yet, and I don't drive anywhere by myself-meaning my husband takes me to the store, etc. The truth for me, is that I really don't want to. It's a way of protecting myself from feeling so alone while being faced with raising a child with severe autism and living in a town that I hate and where I had many unsafe encounters when I first moved to. It does seem obvious to me now why we still live here. This town is doing better than others with the economy and my husband is only a few months away from being vested. It helps me to see that, and I'm continuing to grow and constantly gaining strength and healing from anxiety. I'm not 100% because of the driving issue, staying home by myself, etc., but I'm 90%, and I know you would love that too. I'm at a point where my husband has to say, "Look at all you do now" because I often forget how far I've come. In addition, three years ago, I would have thought it would never be possible to drive, and now, I can at least visualize that it's a possibility. I remember before I started shopping at Walmart over a year ago. I remember being afraid that I didn't shop there anymore(I was going to other places closer), and something inside of me said, "You will!" I go to Walmart at least once a week now:). I believe that for you to. No matter how severe and hopeless you feel, "You will!"
Here's what I've realized about gradual change over the past few years. My healing was gradual. This isn't said to knock anyone who has immediate success. I believe if you have immediate success that that is wonderful for you, and you were meant to have it. For some of us, slow and gradual change is what is best. Healing isn't an exact science. As much as I wanted to gain success in my functioning over night, and be relieved of agoraphobia over night, gradual was just best for me. If it wouldn't have happened gradually, the shock from changing from severe agoraphobia to sudden freedom would have scared me just as much as anything.
Also, I'm one of those people who believes there's a reason in "madness." Not everyone will agree with me, but I found that there were reasons for my agoraphobia. It was my way of protecting myself from things I didn't believe I could handle. I am a mother of a child with severe autism, and I was going to graduate school, making straight A's, and working. The therapist who I used to go to that was bad for me basically acted like, "this is what you should be doing" when in reality it was taking super human strength. I found out that according to society, if you manage to go to work or school, etc., everyone just assumes you are doing well. Now, I see that there are many people who go to work everyday and drive, who would be better off not to have that as an excuse not to deal with their issues that hurt themselves and others. My life was a living hell, my body was exhausted, and my agoraphobia was my body's way of making me take a break, and I was "rebelling" against a society who didn't get my life, you know?
In order to resolve this, a series of events happened where I was no longer employed. Something marvelous happened. I got to rest. I got to do my art. I got to refocus on ways I could help my son. I began to go further and further around my town, and I realized that I was just seriously overstressed, and I was the only one that knew what my life was really like. I needed to give myself validation for the life that I was living, and I needed to start for me. It wasn't as simple as that, but my agoraphobia was my psychological and physical attempt to protect myself.
One of the problems of healing from anxiety is that it is not an exact science. I wouldn't recommend forcing anyone with severe anxiety to suddenly face all of their fears, and I don't think that this program does that either. You are going outside. It is an accomplishment:)! Focus on that! There has been a change. You've haven't left your house in a year, but in just a few months of this program, you can step outside.
To push yourself further, you just walk further and further out of your door. Get to a point where you sit in a car. Get to the point where you start the engine, and go from there.
I understand feeling like you have missed out on so much. I do want to say that my healing was mainly gradual, but there were several "Aha!" moments sprinkled throughout. One of the things that caused a sudden shift with me was that my son had a severe seizure where we had to call 911. I had to ride in the ambulance with him, and we slept overnight in the hospital. My agoraphobia had been so bad that I thought that I could never do that, but when my son's life was in danger, I didn't give it a second thought. Also, regarding the "bad" therapist, because I was weak with agoraphobia, she treated me like everything about me was weak. Like I was a sick little girl who couldn't make it without her. However, this became empowering to me, and helped me put things in perspective. A lot of people with anxiety are actually the best in emergencies. Anxiety is a weakness as all humans have weaknesses, but it doesn't mean that everything about us is weak. A week later, he got sick, and my husband and I both took off work to be with him. However, I let my husband go into work and stayed home with my son by myself some of the time, and I hadn't done that in years. I also had my husband take me to some stores that I hadn't been to in years to get some needed items for my son. I got some goodies as well since I hadn't done that in so long:).
So, I can see how missing out on your childrens' activities could be motivation. At the same time, you have to be careful that you don't use guilt to motivate yourself. With my son's situation, it wasn't guilt, but I did something that I didn't think I would be able to do when his needs were so great. It gave me a sense of empowerment, and it showed me that as bad as his autism is, it would be even worse if he wasn't here on this earth. I knew that in the back of my mind, but it really sunk in with that situation. So, I was empowered. I also had the guts to stand up to that therapist two months later, and it exposed her true colors and how unhealthy and unethical she really was. I hate what happened to my son, but God did use it to show me the truth and empower me. I recommend coming from a place of empowerment as well. Know right now that although your agoraphobia has confined you and made you miss out on some things, you are still a wonderful mother and you make a huge difference in the lives of your children no matter how severe your agoraphobia. I think if you start from a place of empowerment that that will help you in the long run. If you look at it from a guilt perspective, it could provide some motivation, but I've found that not to help me in the long run.
When I had severe agoraphobia, I had a lot of guilt. When I couldn't go somewhere, not even to the grocery store with my husband a block away to buy food, I felt horrendous guilt at not caring about others and what I was doing to my family. However, thankfully, God came down and met me where I was. He whispered in my ear that He understood, and that my value was not based on my performance. His unconditional love became the driving force for me, and not guilt or a desire to perform to please others.
That helped me so much to separate my value from my performance. After that, the pressure gradually wore off. Now, when I make a decision, I only look at whether I want to do it or not. Do I want to go to the movies? Do I want to go to Walmart? Do I want to drive? Do I want to go to my son's school? If I don't want to go, it goes something like this. "I don't want to go. I'm tired. However, if I go even though I don't want to go, I may find out some information from this meeting that will help me with my son." I went to that meeting at 6 on a Friday night which is a time I would have never went out in the past, and I found out some important information about a child with autism who escaped from a school that they wanted to send my son to next year. My son is an escape hazard, and this became important information for me to protect my son. I take the guilt out of the decision process. I don't worry about what someone thinks about my performance. Basically, when you are the parent of a child with special needs, a lot gets blamed on you anyway, so I lost approval a long time ago.
So, I'm not saying that you have wrong motivations regarding your children. I think love of our family can be strongly motivating. However, it can't be connected to guilt, and we shouldn't tell ourselves any lies such as "I'm a bad mother because I haven't been able to go to the bus stop." Instead it's, "I just really want to be able to pick them up and see them and watch them play baseball. I just think that would be really great." No guilt. Just the facts, and try to be as honest as possible. For example, if you really don't want to do it, just be honest about it without guilt.
So, I'm not one that believes in just pushing yourself no matter what. It's not that it is never good to challenge yourself, but you have to have the right motivations and coping skills. Last year at this time, I was able to travel with my husband to another state for a job interview. For me spiritually, I went to God, and just followed His constant prompts and direction and having the skills from this program, etc., just made it a challenge, but not an overwhelming torture event. Four years before, I went on a trip with him that was eleven hours one way. I didn't want to go, and I didn't want to stay by myself here though. It was hellish terror. No, I didn't die, but the pain I felt didn't make me learn anything valuable. I did it for him and our family's future, but I would never torture anyone the way that I felt tortured. It took me four years to even try that again because I was so overwhelmed without the coping skills, etc. Also, I was really dependent on a therapist who knew that she was about to suddenly quit. I think she saw getting me through the trip as her last help to my family. However, I just think I intuitively knew that something was up and off. So, we got me through it, and my hubby got tenure because of it, but I think it was a bad example of pushing yourself too far.
I hope I've made some sense. I don't know that you can give yourself a time line. You can very well be cured over this summer, but gradual baby steps is far more realistic. Also, here's a tip on shopping when you start going out further, garage sales are great for people with agoraphobia! There are a lot of local yard sales near my home. I was having trouble going to stores that were further away. I started looking in the paper for sales that were close to my home, and gradually branched out from there as my anxiety diminished. I also did better earlier in the mornings when a lot of people aren't out, so it was so convenient. It's out in the open, you can find great stuff for dirt cheap, and you usually aren't going to buy something that you really need like milk where you feel like you can't put it down and leave if you have to. Maybe that's something that can help you in the future with getting out.
Take care,
luvpiggy
