Can anyone please help me? About two years ago I got back together with my boyfriend...who I was off and on with for some time...every time we broke up..he was the one to break up with me ...i would always be thinking "why can't he see that we belong together..." "why doesn't he know that we love each other." Well we have been together for about a total of 6 and a half years. When we got back together 2 years ago...i was telling him that I needed time to think...and i was finally strong in telling him that i just didn't know if i wanted to be with him again..and i thought i was over him. Well he changed a lot...became the guy I wanted him to be...very loving..and he is now my very best friend. Shortly after getting back together I began to have obsessive thoughts of breaking up with him and running...he may be the guy you have always wanted...but you need to just break it off. There isn't anyone else...and there is absolutely nothing wrong with our relationship. When I'm not with him I miss him...when I'm out I would rather just be going home to lay down with him and spend time together...last May we got engaged...and shortly after that these feelings intensified. I keep thinking in my head...maybe I had these feelings shortly after we started to get back together bc I wasn't supposed to get back together with him....is God telling me this is a mistake? Now 2 years later after getting back together...engaged...and I am STILL having these obsessive thoughts. It's like a tape that is constantly being played in my head. The voices in my head went away for about a month..then they came back with full force.....i was ok about two weeks ago...thought it was all over..then BAM the voices are back. I recently found a therapist...but I've only been twice so I'm in the beginning stages of it. Every time I read something about relationships and issues I think "yeah that is me...i think..." My fiance and I have great communication...an amazing relationship....everything meshes..no finance issues...no heavy fighting..etc. but why can't I get this feeling of "break up" out of my head. I keep plotting in my head that tonight will be the night...you will be free from this obsessive thinking...you will go stay with your parents...you will probably feel a lot better....but then i realize i would end up missing him I think. We talk about kids and have inside jokes together...but inside my head i keep saying "it's so easy...you have issues...breaking it off will clear your issue."
what is wrong with me...my head doesn't match my heart....but i just want to be free from this.
am i putting my anxiety and depression on relationship or is it me?
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Guest
Hi, I am no psychiatrist, but I would ask you a question. Does he know about this? Have you shared your feelings with him? Your relationship sounds very good, yet your heart is telling you different. I have learned to go with my heart instead of my head. I wonder is it your heart speaking to you, or your head? You talk about voices which leads me to think it may be your head telling you its not right. Is it possible that you don't think you deserve him? Is it possible the past break ups are feeding your fear that he will break up with you again? You are the only one who can answer these questions, and decide which way you are going to go. Talking it over honestly and with love is a great first step to stopping these thoughts cold. Good Luck, Jackie
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Guest
Hello anna24. I really wanted to respond to your post because you hit home with me on every single point. This may not be what you want to hear but it is the honest truth as I know and have actually experienced what you are going through. Honestly I thought I was the only one that had struggled so hard with those voices and if just reading this post gives you panicky feelings because you want the outcome to match what you keep telling yourself even though a little itty bitty voice inside your head is saying "Anna, he is not right for you" or "Anna you have to go" etc.. and you do understand what I am saying here then you are right exactly where I have been. Remember Anna we are people pleasers and the thought of hurting your fiance after he has changed into this wonderful guy may scare the heck out of you and you are going to find a way to force that little voice out of your head. Anna I am certainly not telling you that this guy is wrong for you even though from my post and my own personal experience with the same thoughts he is. My mind for many years was just like a ping pong ball match back and forth back and forth constantly nagging at me that something just was not right even though my boyfriend had the most incredible looks (could have walked off a GQ magazine honestly) was hard working successful had friends owned boats and airplanes etc.. but still there was something missing and it took me twice as long as you to figure it out. I was not being true to myself. I realized after all of those years that while he truly did love me and would have married me and asked me several times that he had a way of making me feel bad about myself. Nothing you could really put your finger on but just a comment or two was all it would take. And I knew what he was doing, I knew it all along but because everything thing else was great I decided to settle and stifle that teeny, tiny voice. And one thing we (us creative anxiety people) are not is settlers. What I really needed in a man was someone that really cared, I mean truly cared about what I had to say. Someone that considered me his number one everything. Someone that thinks the world is a beautiful place just because I am in it. That kind of someone. I know my boyfriend loved me as I know your fiance loves you but my boyfriend could not give me that emotional closeness that I so craved and I believe you do to. Anna the way we get ourselves into this anxiety dilemma is I believe because we can not or choose not to listen to that tiniest of voices in our head. The one that keeps getting drowned out by the thoughts that keep trying to stifle it. Anna you have the answers inside of you and you already know the answer to your post it's just that I believe you may be very very afraid of letting that little voice inside of you rise to the surface. When I would get those thought's in my head, the same exact ones you are having I got so stressed and bewildered that it truly felt like I had committed some kind of horrible awful crime because the thought of hurting him was just unbearable even though by staying i was hurting him more. he could not go out and find his happily ever after girl and I could not move forward so I just stayed stuck. I believe it was my minds way of trying to deal with the thoughts and when I refused to let them surface my mind rebelled big time. I know I leave long posts but I truly do care and this is the first time that I have come across someone who had the exact same thoughts, feelings as myself. I left my relationship several years ago and we are still great friends and sometimes I wish I had done it sooner but then I realize that I may not have met my husband and I know in my heart that everything does happen for a reason and it was my path to struggle in that old relationship for years before giving it up. It has made me a much stronger, healthier person and I wouldn't change a thing. It has given me the ability to love my husband with more than even I ever thought I was capable of, unconditionally. You will leave when you are ready and when you are ready it will be the right time to go.
Take care and send me a private message if you would like, maybe you can talk me out of what I just said lol.
Take care and send me a private message if you would like, maybe you can talk me out of what I just said lol.
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Guest
not, i would like to ask you a personal question. Why exactly did you break up with your fiance? I've read lots of forums and advice columns where people have told me that fear and anxiety is normal..being scared is normal....i definitely am completely scared and nervous...to where i want to be nauseous...what do you mean you "knew what he was doing." I may still harbor animosity at my fiance for what he put me through...but it was also 2 years ago...my love and compassion for him never changed. i just have all this crazy doubt and worry running through my mind. Part of me thinking to myself that i want to work hard on this and that i still love him makes me know i dont want it to just be over....my fiance does give me emotional closeness....he is my best friend...he went through a lot of issues and things but he came out of it realizing he acted like a child and wanted to fix it. Now I feel as though those feelings have shifted to me...and i have to work them out. I don't know...i have a history of off the chart stress....had therapist issues when i was a child, etc. but I definitely don't think my fiance is not good enough. there is a voice in my head telling me that if i leave it could be a big mistake...bc i would be throwing away an amazing guy that treats me like gold. I'm just so scared and nervous. He has told me that he would never give up on me...he would be completely lost without me...and i agree. So I don't know if this is more OCD than anything....or if i'm too overanalytical...but i don't think my fiance is trying to hide or anything.
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Guest
Hey anna I began doing this with my husband after we had a rocky patch. I love him sooo much but when things were really good I would have all these thoughts. My therapist said it was a defense mechanism. Which I can see it being. I have not had the easiest life so when things are really good and stress free I think I unconsciously will do this. This has just been my experience. It seems like you really love him and wouldnt want to be without him. I am trying to start living for today and stop worrying about what I may do tomorrow.
Good Luck!!
Good Luck!!
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Guest
Thanks Naustin!! I have been told before that I may have a case of the going good blues. When things are good ...i'm now reverting back to the old ways I used to feel and trying to go there again as a defense...that definitely could be it. I just hate having all of these thoughts running through my head...i think i believe that if you want something enough you are willing to try to work it out no matter what...but i dont know how to make these obsessive thoughts stop. I don't want us to be over...he is my best friend...i think if we did end it would just be a vicious cycle all over again of how we used to be and it would bring us back here...if that makes any sense...reading some of these posts though definitely makes it hard. I understand people are trying to help...but i definitely do have a guy that gives me closeness and an emotional connection.
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Guest
Hi Anna,
You may want to reassess other things in your life besides this relationship. That is, what else is going on besides HIM. Your boyfriend, fiance, husband, significant other or partner can not be the end all of your life. Is your life meaningful in other ways? If you were busier and fulfilled with other things would you not be thinking about breaking up a perfect relationship? And is it possible that breaking up and making up, the drama of it all, is keeping you busy if other things are missing from your life?
Just some things to think about here. Many people say that marriage is "work." For me it isn't, but that doesn't mean everything is wonderful all of the time. The freshness of everything being new and exciting fades, it is inevitable. But if you have a solid relationship based on ethics, a way of life, your future, for example, -- these are things that transcend the physical aspect of a relationship and will last the long haul.
If you know, truly know, that your fiance is the one for you, shut down your doubts and get busy doing something else.
Final note: as a lifelong sufferer of PTSD and resulting anxiety related issues, I am well aware now looking back, that for many years, from the ages of 18 - 30, I very often changed apartments, changed jobs, changed relationships, which kept me "busy" so my other deeper issues did not surface. They surfaced with a vengeance after the comfort of marriage.
Just some things to consider... and keep in mind that none of us knows you personally, we can only offer our best advice based on your postings.
Sincerely hoping everything works well for you..
You may want to reassess other things in your life besides this relationship. That is, what else is going on besides HIM. Your boyfriend, fiance, husband, significant other or partner can not be the end all of your life. Is your life meaningful in other ways? If you were busier and fulfilled with other things would you not be thinking about breaking up a perfect relationship? And is it possible that breaking up and making up, the drama of it all, is keeping you busy if other things are missing from your life?
Just some things to think about here. Many people say that marriage is "work." For me it isn't, but that doesn't mean everything is wonderful all of the time. The freshness of everything being new and exciting fades, it is inevitable. But if you have a solid relationship based on ethics, a way of life, your future, for example, -- these are things that transcend the physical aspect of a relationship and will last the long haul.
If you know, truly know, that your fiance is the one for you, shut down your doubts and get busy doing something else.
Final note: as a lifelong sufferer of PTSD and resulting anxiety related issues, I am well aware now looking back, that for many years, from the ages of 18 - 30, I very often changed apartments, changed jobs, changed relationships, which kept me "busy" so my other deeper issues did not surface. They surfaced with a vengeance after the comfort of marriage.
Just some things to consider... and keep in mind that none of us knows you personally, we can only offer our best advice based on your postings.
Sincerely hoping everything works well for you..
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Guest
I think because he broke up with you a couple of times, he has created a insecurity of "when will he do it again" If you really want to stay with this guy you will need couples therapy and he needs to be honest why he kept breaking up with you?This happened to me, the guy broke up with me to test the waters and then when the younger than me girl broke up with him he became the man I always wanted to be.My body created bigtime anxiety and I knew that was a sign to get away. So you might want to ask why didn't he love you enough to stay with you and not break up with you? I am not trying to be mean but sometimes people refuse to see the truth.
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Ld26angell
- Posts: 48
- Joined: Wed Mar 15, 2006 1:07 pm
Thank you all so much for your encouragement! Kidkins I can't think of too much else that is going on ....I definitely am stressed at work...everything seems to just become very ritualistic...wake up go to work..come home. that does bother me a bit. It's very uneventful. My fiance and I had a good talk last night....i read him all of this information...which may seem kind of crazy...but he was like see..that is what i'm trying to tell you. I know this isn't our relationship that has problems..it's me. My fiance does not say things to put me down..granted he has a problem just saying things that he thinks then later thinks "hmmm...i didnt hear the way that came out." It takes him a minute..haha. But of course I think...man this has been like 6 1/2 years with someone ...i do feel like we kept getting back together because we were supposed to get back together.
I know it might sound weird but after talking with my fiance I definitely think I'm still mad at myself for some reason or view myself as weak for taking him back this last time...thoughts have run in my head like "did i even WANT to do that at the time..." But yeah I think i did...while he was away making crazy decisions and being scared...i missed him like crazy...i would obsess over it and wonder why this was happening...then when we did get back together i had these bad feelings of anxiousness and questioning things...maybe that is a defense mechanism...maybe it was my body telling me "HEY you have had enough of this...don't go through it again." But the bottom line is he is my best friend. I love him very much. I feel as though I keep telling myself to go out there and test it again. Like I'm not meeting societal expectations by only having one serious relationship...that that never ends up working out. I will always wonder "well what else is out there..what was i supposed to do." Then on the other hand "why give up something good." I'm supposed to see my therapist tonight so hopefully that will help as well.
All of your advice definitely helps. Thanks so much guys!
I know it might sound weird but after talking with my fiance I definitely think I'm still mad at myself for some reason or view myself as weak for taking him back this last time...thoughts have run in my head like "did i even WANT to do that at the time..." But yeah I think i did...while he was away making crazy decisions and being scared...i missed him like crazy...i would obsess over it and wonder why this was happening...then when we did get back together i had these bad feelings of anxiousness and questioning things...maybe that is a defense mechanism...maybe it was my body telling me "HEY you have had enough of this...don't go through it again." But the bottom line is he is my best friend. I love him very much. I feel as though I keep telling myself to go out there and test it again. Like I'm not meeting societal expectations by only having one serious relationship...that that never ends up working out. I will always wonder "well what else is out there..what was i supposed to do." Then on the other hand "why give up something good." I'm supposed to see my therapist tonight so hopefully that will help as well.
All of your advice definitely helps. Thanks so much guys!
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Guest
anna24
I am sorry Anna that it has taken me a couple of days to get back to you. Honestly I am still navigating through this forum thing lol. I broke up with my fiance because although he was a fantastic guy as I said before. We actually had nothing in common and his personality I guess (well I actually know) was very negative and it drained the life out of me often and kept me anxious and stressed. Honestly I really believe in my particular case that my subconscious was screaming at me to get out, but my conscious mind was not listening. Anna reading your response to my post has really shed some light on this for me to respond back to you. I do remember my anxiety starting when I was dating this person and although I had never put it all together he was in fact contributing to my stress level and I was allowing him to. The thought of doing this for the rest of my life panicked me, but I stayed in denial for a long time as well. I honestly in my heartfelt opinion believe you need not make any life changing decisions about your relationship or anything else that is so near and dear to your heart until you have completed the program. the relationship will still be there for you but you will be looking at the situation from an under-reactor's point of view and it will make you neither anxious nor nauseous. When you can look at it from more of an objective point of view and less of an emotional point of view it will not have the same power over you that it does now. Anna this honestly could be your guy but you will not know that until you have taken some time out to help yourself get over this condition because you may very well feel entirely different after you have completed the program. Your indecisiveness is definitely I believe a symptom of this condition and nothing more and until that is on solid ground you cannot really make a life changing decision accurately because your thinking may very well be distorted. So in my opinion I believe I would wait and take some time off from decision making and just keep telling yourself I will think about this subject later and keep repeating that to yourself until your mind starts believing it and then the later just does not come. Anna if and when you make a decision to stay or leave , it should and will be without any anxiety and because you have so much of it over this issue that tells me that it is again a symptom of this condition and possibly nothing more than that. Remember you can send me a private message anytime you would like if you need to talk some more or on the forum as well.
Take care and let it go for now
I am sorry Anna that it has taken me a couple of days to get back to you. Honestly I am still navigating through this forum thing lol. I broke up with my fiance because although he was a fantastic guy as I said before. We actually had nothing in common and his personality I guess (well I actually know) was very negative and it drained the life out of me often and kept me anxious and stressed. Honestly I really believe in my particular case that my subconscious was screaming at me to get out, but my conscious mind was not listening. Anna reading your response to my post has really shed some light on this for me to respond back to you. I do remember my anxiety starting when I was dating this person and although I had never put it all together he was in fact contributing to my stress level and I was allowing him to. The thought of doing this for the rest of my life panicked me, but I stayed in denial for a long time as well. I honestly in my heartfelt opinion believe you need not make any life changing decisions about your relationship or anything else that is so near and dear to your heart until you have completed the program. the relationship will still be there for you but you will be looking at the situation from an under-reactor's point of view and it will make you neither anxious nor nauseous. When you can look at it from more of an objective point of view and less of an emotional point of view it will not have the same power over you that it does now. Anna this honestly could be your guy but you will not know that until you have taken some time out to help yourself get over this condition because you may very well feel entirely different after you have completed the program. Your indecisiveness is definitely I believe a symptom of this condition and nothing more and until that is on solid ground you cannot really make a life changing decision accurately because your thinking may very well be distorted. So in my opinion I believe I would wait and take some time off from decision making and just keep telling yourself I will think about this subject later and keep repeating that to yourself until your mind starts believing it and then the later just does not come. Anna if and when you make a decision to stay or leave , it should and will be without any anxiety and because you have so much of it over this issue that tells me that it is again a symptom of this condition and possibly nothing more than that. Remember you can send me a private message anytime you would like if you need to talk some more or on the forum as well.
Take care and let it go for now