A lot of you have heard me talk about this topic many times over the past year, but it consumes my life so much I need an outlet to people who I know will value my thoughts and give good advice. I have a really and I can't stress the idea enough really good relationship with my boyfriend well I guess I should say finace. We have had 4 wonderful years together and have always been there for each other. I wouldn't trade him for anything..or would I? Every day I am constantly back and forth. Am I in love wit him? Is he the one I'm supposed to be with? Some days I miss him and can't wait to see him, and others I just want to be alone and him touching me makes me mad.
Its not him and its not anything he is doing or not doing. I obsess! The thing is he had my engagement ring made from stones from both my grandmothers wedding rings. Its very special and sentimental which makes me think if we don't end up together this special ring will sit in a box forever, and if we do break up and I marry someone else the ring will never be like this one. It gets me so depressed to the point I am physically sick. Today I pictured our wedding day (which won't be for at least a year) and started to cry because I didn't know if it was right. I know that this feeling will change. It is NOT him at all. When hes out of town I think to myself now I get some time to myself, but I miss him TERRIBLY! I moved out in Feb of this past year to see how things went. We were practically broken up and I came back to him, not knowing if I was ready. I can't keep giving him mixed signals and I can't talk to him because I am ALL he has and he wouldn't understand. Sorry this is so long I just really needed to write
My only outlet
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Guest
Hi Anna,
I can realate to this!! A Lot!!
I'm not engaged to my boyfriend, but we've been going out for almost 2 years. I get the same way as you. Some days I'm so in love with him I feel like we should just runaway then and get married. And other days, I just sit there and hardly feel like talking to him and if he touches me I also get mad. There's a lot of times I really just hate being touched.
I also never know how you're suppose to know if someone is "the one". I love my boyfriend also, but I love spending time alone, and when he goes away I'm happy but I miss him horrible too!! I've never heard anyone put into words my exact feelings.
That is really sweet of him about the ring, and I can see why it would cause anxiety. It puts more pressure on you. I would also be feeling what you feel if that happened to me.
Have you tried talking to a therapist about any of this? If you can find a good one they might be able to give you a fresh insight, or help you out. That's my only suggestion. I know talking to my therapist helps with certain issues, and this seems to be a big problem for you.
It was very nice to hear from someone I can relate to. I wish you the very best of luck
I can realate to this!! A Lot!!
I'm not engaged to my boyfriend, but we've been going out for almost 2 years. I get the same way as you. Some days I'm so in love with him I feel like we should just runaway then and get married. And other days, I just sit there and hardly feel like talking to him and if he touches me I also get mad. There's a lot of times I really just hate being touched.
I also never know how you're suppose to know if someone is "the one". I love my boyfriend also, but I love spending time alone, and when he goes away I'm happy but I miss him horrible too!! I've never heard anyone put into words my exact feelings.
That is really sweet of him about the ring, and I can see why it would cause anxiety. It puts more pressure on you. I would also be feeling what you feel if that happened to me.
Have you tried talking to a therapist about any of this? If you can find a good one they might be able to give you a fresh insight, or help you out. That's my only suggestion. I know talking to my therapist helps with certain issues, and this seems to be a big problem for you.
It was very nice to hear from someone I can relate to. I wish you the very best of luck
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Guest
Carla-
Thank you so much for responding! It really makes me feel better that someone else has these same feelings! I have talked to my therapist many times about it and she has said things like perhaps finding a hobby and doing things without him to see how I feel. I love my job which helps and I feel great, but I recently went on a trip to see some friends by myself and I did have fun but It would have been so much better if he were there with me. It seems like every time I see my therapist I change my mind like I do want to be with him or I don't haha. The best advice she gave me which is hard to live by with our obsessive thinking is to take it day by day. I will really try to just let things go as they go and see. Thanks so much again!
Thank you so much for responding! It really makes me feel better that someone else has these same feelings! I have talked to my therapist many times about it and she has said things like perhaps finding a hobby and doing things without him to see how I feel. I love my job which helps and I feel great, but I recently went on a trip to see some friends by myself and I did have fun but It would have been so much better if he were there with me. It seems like every time I see my therapist I change my mind like I do want to be with him or I don't haha. The best advice she gave me which is hard to live by with our obsessive thinking is to take it day by day. I will really try to just let things go as they go and see. Thanks so much again!
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Guest
Anna & Carla,
I only have one thing to add and that is what you are feeling when you don't want him to touch you may be simply irritability. I struggle with bouts of this myself. My husband is wonderful and my best friend, yet there are days when I have the same feelings. I know it's me and not him, so I tell myself that when it happens. I also will tell him that I'm edgy when its really bad. The last thing I want to do is hurt his feelings by pulling away, so an explanation goes a long way.
Over the long run, maybe you can ask yourself if there's a reason for the irritability and try to get at the root cause. The hard part is that it may not be easy to pinpoint. Because the irritibility acts like an obsessive scary thought--it scares you into thinking that he may not be the one--I think getting to the root of it will help it loose it's scariness, and eventually it will fade.
Best wishes!
I only have one thing to add and that is what you are feeling when you don't want him to touch you may be simply irritability. I struggle with bouts of this myself. My husband is wonderful and my best friend, yet there are days when I have the same feelings. I know it's me and not him, so I tell myself that when it happens. I also will tell him that I'm edgy when its really bad. The last thing I want to do is hurt his feelings by pulling away, so an explanation goes a long way.
Over the long run, maybe you can ask yourself if there's a reason for the irritability and try to get at the root cause. The hard part is that it may not be easy to pinpoint. Because the irritibility acts like an obsessive scary thought--it scares you into thinking that he may not be the one--I think getting to the root of it will help it loose it's scariness, and eventually it will fade.
Best wishes!
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Guest
I'm glad to hear someone talk about this too because this is exactly what I have been going through. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and I love him so much but also get the same feelings sometimes when he touches me, etc. I also feel guilty sometimes because if he knew how much doubt I have he would probably leave. He is my best friend and I can see myself being with him forever but I get nervous when he brings up marriage, etc. I can't see myself without him and I want to know if its my anxiety thats causing these feelings. On top of it he wants children and talks about it all the time and I've never seen myself having children. I'm starting to get more comfortable with the idea but I dont know if its because I really want them or if its just because I know he wants them so bad. I guess the reason I get nervous is because I'm 28 years old and probably should figure this out pretty soon.
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Guest
I'm glad to hear i'm not the only one going through this. I too have been experiencing this with my husband.I love him dearly and he's my best friend.But lately with my anxiety/depression being the way it's been sometimes when he touches me I get really irritated or mad I just want to be left alone. I haven't said anything to him about it cause I don't want to hurt his feelings but I've been trying to figure out why i've been feeling this way too.I'm glad to hear that someone else is going through this as well..April
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Paisleegreen
- Posts: 1778
- Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 5:27 pm
hello!
i have been where you ladies are on some level. it was awhile ago and (at the moment) i am no longer engaged but i have felt what you are feeling. it took a lot of work for me to figure out my situation and what was best for me. and i actually am still struggling with what is best regarding my ex-engagement. the thing that helps me to stop obsessing is to remember that everything will work out and it is best to just take things one at a time.
a few books that have added to my education about myself, relationships and anxiety/depression:
men are from mars, women are from venus
this one not only helped me to understand his emotional changes, but it actually really helped me to understand what i was going through.
you can heal your life
this one looks into core beliefs and self-love which has helped me to see the reasons that may be causing me to feel turmoil within my relationship.
and finally,
codependent no more
the title makes me feel like a crazy person but it also really helps me to understand some of my behaviors that i engage in everyday that keep me from living fully. i did not understand the concept of codependency and thought it only had to do with alcoholism, but it has to do with a lot of behaviors and many times does not have to do with alcoholism at all.
and now my advice (since i love to give it!)
focus on yourself and loving and caring for yourself. you are on a path to recovery from anxiety and depression through this program (i am in week 13 and have made major wonderful changes in my life since i began) and it is very important to keep learning and discovering yourself and how to care and love yourself. when you are fully able to care for yourself you will be able to give more fully to others (especially fiances and boyfriends or girlfriends or partners) and then you will better understand what it is you want from your relationship. be patient and love your self. develop that love and nurture it and it will eventually overflow into your other relationships.
take care!!
i have been where you ladies are on some level. it was awhile ago and (at the moment) i am no longer engaged but i have felt what you are feeling. it took a lot of work for me to figure out my situation and what was best for me. and i actually am still struggling with what is best regarding my ex-engagement. the thing that helps me to stop obsessing is to remember that everything will work out and it is best to just take things one at a time.
a few books that have added to my education about myself, relationships and anxiety/depression:
men are from mars, women are from venus
this one not only helped me to understand his emotional changes, but it actually really helped me to understand what i was going through.
you can heal your life
this one looks into core beliefs and self-love which has helped me to see the reasons that may be causing me to feel turmoil within my relationship.
and finally,
codependent no more
the title makes me feel like a crazy person but it also really helps me to understand some of my behaviors that i engage in everyday that keep me from living fully. i did not understand the concept of codependency and thought it only had to do with alcoholism, but it has to do with a lot of behaviors and many times does not have to do with alcoholism at all.
and now my advice (since i love to give it!)
focus on yourself and loving and caring for yourself. you are on a path to recovery from anxiety and depression through this program (i am in week 13 and have made major wonderful changes in my life since i began) and it is very important to keep learning and discovering yourself and how to care and love yourself. when you are fully able to care for yourself you will be able to give more fully to others (especially fiances and boyfriends or girlfriends or partners) and then you will better understand what it is you want from your relationship. be patient and love your self. develop that love and nurture it and it will eventually overflow into your other relationships.
take care!!
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Guest
Maybe it could help me out a little bit. Thanks-
Guest
Thank you so much everyone for all your thoughts and advice! It makes me feel so much better. I was wondering if any of you have talked about these feelings with your partners, boyfriends, fiance's etc? I know that if I told mine what I was feeling he wouldn't understand. He has never understood my anxiety and depression. We don't talk about it much but he is respectful about it. If he knew this anxiety and depression was about being with him. He would be very hurt, and leave or think I don't love him. I was wondering if anyone else feels like that?
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Guest
I am very open with him about my anxiety but when it comes to how I feel about/doubt our relationship I kind of keep that to myself. I don't want to tell him because I think its just my anxiety causing me to have so many doubts and I wouldn't want to ruin a good thing just because I'm not in the right frame of mind right now. I do think that its gotten better since I've been on the program. I still think about it quite a bit but try not to dwell on it because it only makes it worse. I just keep telling myself that I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this moment and that if I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with him that it will all work out.