I really need to keep my mouth shut

[redrocks]

I'm one of those people that tries to think about what I'm going to say to someone before I talk. One of my anxiety issues is trying to have "control" over what I say, like I don't want to sound incorrect or foolish. It just doesn't happen that way with me sometimes. I go over my head later and think about what i said to that person earlier and think "oh no, why did I say that" and feel awful for the next day or two. I become paranoid that this person will talk about what i said to EVERYONE. The content of the conversation doesn't have to be anything big or important for me to feel insecure afterwards. That's the "great" thing about anxiety

I was talking to a friend earlier today about a former family member of mine and how much I hate her. I know, it's a strong word and I shouldn't use it but I couldn't help myself. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way in my family and I know others feel this way about her. So yes, many would agree with me on this. But still, I should not have said those things about her since it's no ones business. I fell into a trap. I haven't seen this friend in a long while and we chatted about stuff. Then she asked me questions about this person, who was married a close family member of mine for a long time and left him. She continues to control and manipulate him. I should have just stopped and said "I really don't want to talk about her", but I let my lips loose.

She may say something to other friends about this or not. Again, my paranoid feelings are now about "will she say something"? Will this get back to my family member? I don't think my close family member would be surprised, really. He knows how I feel about his ex. But still, I feel bad. I don't like the word "hate" and should never use it. But off I went and used it a few times in this conversation.

So I guess I just want to vent and feel like I can somehow learn from this. I try so hard to watch what I say that sometimes I go in the opposite direction. I think sometimes I keep talking just to talk and fill in the conversation.

Anyone else feel like this? Any tips you can offer on holding back before you say the wrong thing?

[coachchris]

Hi Red,

This is Coach Chris from the coaching team here at Stress. Thank you for you honest post. It is struggle many of us go through. Your awareness is really good and I hear you really wanting to learn from your experiences which is 90% of the battle.

I would try and be a little more proactive on the front end, meaning before you go into a situation prepare yourself. Set some goals, visualize how you want to communicate and see the end result. I think what motivates me the most is to stay within my value system, treat others the way you want to be treated and be a positive person so others can also be encouraged.

If you stick with just a positive dialog then you don't have to worry about will get repeated. This takes a lot of practice.

Lastly, continue to examine why you are worrying about what others are thinking about you. Redirect those questioning negative thoughts quickly. Keep your power. Know who you are and what you love about yourself. Talk to yourself like you would a good friend and become that safe person for yourself that Lucinda talks about.

You can write out 10 things that make you valuable then reread these several times throughout your day.

You are well on your way! Great work.

Coach Chris StressCenter.com