Journaling Through a Growth Spurt

[Asamsyd]

Emotional day for me. Feeling extremly sad and alone. After having a bad day yesterday, I am having a rough morning of anxiety. Took my meds and Im just so down on myself. I dont want to go to work tomorrow and have a repeat of yesterday with anxiety all day. I dont want to do anything. I dont want to even get off this couch. Im so sick of waking up anxious. My family doesnt deserve this. They deserve a strong, healthy mom and girlfriend. Someone who can hand their anxiety. Sometimes its easier to beat ourselves up over bad days, yet we can soothe others when they are having bad days. Why is that? Why can't we be so easy on ourselves?? That I don't think I will ever understand... I also don't understand why I allow myself to get this way. I gave myself plenty of positive self talk this morning when lying in bed, told myself it takes time for my body to readjust to not being anxious with adrenanline first thing in the morning. But still it happens. I can't control it and all I want to do is sleep a GOOD sleep. Without having anxiety be the first thing on my mind. Will that ever happen again? When? I'm not sure how much I can take...

[tina martin]

Yes, your family deserves a calm you and so do you. Just think: no doubt it took years for you to develop the problems; it will take time and effort and patience to change. You are trying to recondition your mind which is not easy and takes much persistence and will.

Give the program the time it calls for, ignore the bad thoughts and strengthen the good ones. Praise yourself for the effort you are making. Wishing you the best.

[Asamsyd]

Day two: its morning. Didnt sleep well again, but thats due to a lot of factors. For one, by boyfriend works late and when he got home he apparently decided to cook and I woke up to the smell of bacon which was nice lol, but I made myself go back to sleep. Within 15 min he came in and tried to wake me up to see if I wanted to eat some bacon....I kept my eyes closed and sadi no, please dont wake me up...(in a very loving way). And wouldnt you know he woke me up again at some point although I refused to look at the clock. Then again I woke up at almost 6, started with the adrenanline and i said "this is ok, i am ok. Its just adrenanline..." Before I had gone to bed last night around 1230-1am, i made sure to set a bottle of water for ever increasing dry mouth and my klonopin and my relaxation cd by my bedside. Thats the first thing I did. Now Im getting ready for my psychiatrist appt that I have to leave for in an hour. Desperalty hoping to find some answers. Im so exhausted all the time and I just want sleep. Good sleep and without the adrenanline dumps in my veins first thing in the morning. I also didnt take my Paxil last night either. Ill see what The dr has to say...

[Asamsyd]

Day3: Wow. After yesterday being kinda rough and me driving myself nuts with all the obsessive thinking, i finally just got up and moving and burned some adrenaline and distracted myself, even went for a walk, drove to walgreens and had a friends come visit. And the best part is not only did I prove to myself that I can do it but I also set myself up for a good night. Went to bed at 10pm and slept very good. Only woke up 2 times, once when david came home from work and once at 5am. Neither time did I have the adrenaline response! Then i fell back asleep and slept clear up until my alarm went off at 6:45. Now THAt feels great. I am having just a TINY adrenaline right now due to getting up and whatnot and of ocurse, excitement that I slept so well! So thats what Im going to tell myself...its excitement. Im going to go to work and be just fine. Have a good day all and I'll let everyone know how I do today at work!

God Bless,
Crystal

[blenderina]

That's great to hear, Crystal!

[tina martin]

We are your cheering squad: Go Crystal Go. Did you ever consider meditating? Just asking, no need to answer.