Ready to say GoodBye

[pboston1363]

I cannot take it anymore, I cannot continue to live on drugs, (7 now) this is not living especially when they cannot stop the pain or voices in my head, I have a therapist I see weekly, but all they see is the shell of a person that has died inside, I cannot continue this, days without sleep, scared to answer a phone, scared to go outside, scared to talk to people, 2 valiums just to go to the therapist. Yes, I was abused as a child and it continues today, I have moved over 11 times trying to run from the past, but it keeps catching up and the abuse continues, how many go through crying for days, feeling worthless, feeling like I was God's joke. I have tried to but approval, affection and love, this has driven me to bankruptcy, see I screwed up again. I am alone in this world and I do not want to be here anymore, the pain hurts too much, I am not strong enough to take anymore. I have tried to face the demons, but then I feel guilty because I do not think things would be better if my abusers were dead, is that cruel, it won't change it, fix it or heal it. I am almost 49 and my husband said "You have not had your parents approval in 48 years why do you think you would get it now" It is the truth. My mother used to stand and watch my father beat me, this would be because the toilet wasn't clean enough, I was listening to a station he did not approve of, I even bought them a house and now they are saying it is a money pit and they are sending me bills to reimburse them, who needs a $15, 000 wrap around porch, I should have had this done before I gave them the house. Their house was falling apart and I thought I was helping. I do not want to win, I want to break even, I want to feel love, I would like a Thank You, insyead I get belittled. It is time to say Goodbye and I am ready, the pain has to stop.

[SoWhatif]

Pboston1363, Just where are you going?
We want and need your attention here. To me it sounds as if the parents need to be enlightened to reality, you have stated well that you are in it. Stop funding their abuse on you. I do not have any idea what to say about your pain but am inclined to think it may be feed from the drain of your parents. Are you able to unplug from them? Forget about a porch and actually write them a letter explaining just how your feeling and their neglect and abuse IS OVER. Please for your own sanity do it. They will survive and still be better off. Get up and get out and seek a life for you.... it is never to late.
Let us know and share as you wish, just don't give in to them any more. Wishing you a great day and the strength to do what is needed.

R

[pboston1363]

i will never be accepted, loved or approved, i was a mistake, and that has been pointed out many times, do you know what it is like to never be hugged or told that you are loved, just to be met with what you did wrong, you could and should have done better. I was an honor student, I lettered in4 sports captain of the cheerleaders and never did my parents attend a game, I did not even walk for graduation. Never had a prom dress, never had a wedding dress, Don't I sound selfish. I was married to a man for 9 years that was abusive, when I finally got the nerve to divorce him, the only thing my father said was : I thought I raised you better than that: we are catholic, we do not divorce, if you are abused, it is always your fault, you can do your absolute best and something wrong will be found, which leads to more abuse, to this day no one can touch my face because I was never spanked, it was a fist in the face or a combat boot in the back. I know this sounds whiney but it is getting worse and the memories are being brought back because of my therapist, she agrees that I should confront them , I am too scared, will I be punched or beat up again. Thank you for listening to me, I have never felt so alone, I have not slept in 3 days, I tried 4 sleeping pills last night and 6 valium, didn't work, how can I shut it down.

[tina martin]

We all agree that suicide solves nothing. Nothing. Here is a hotline for you: 1-800-273-TALK in that regard. Believe it or not there are plenty of us around who never wanted to be born, who were a burden from day one. Did we have a choice? Did we ask to be born?

But we do have ourselves, and only ourselves. And no-one owes us anything. The program here based on CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) might be a good start for you to change your thinking. Ultimately it is up to you (and us) to make ourselves better. It can actually be interesting to learn about ourselves. Wishing you the best.

[Sit-N-Spin]

I've been there many times ! Listen say goodbye to people that bs you and try make it day by day,that's all you can do at this point.Don't set your goals too high,small steps is the answer,even if you take 5 foreward and 10 back keep going foreward even if it's against the wind.Wind may even come in the form of people keep moving and give yourself a hug if that's what it takes !!!

Best to you !

[pboston1363]

Thank you for all who replied, everything sounds easier than can be done, I honestly don't know where to start, I just know the easy way out, then all the pin stops.

[tina martin]

Very little in this world is easy or gets much easier, necessarily.

Please call the hotline given if you keep having suicidal thoughts. Otherwise, remember you are not alone in your pain and suffering. You do have the power to become your own person and see life in a better, brighter light. You may want to try the program here to help you change your outlook about yourself. Always hoping for the best for you.

[SoWhatif]

Pboston,
Have you eaten? Have you been drinking 4 or more large glasses of water a day? What is causing the staying awake?

The FIRST step is the hardest. Not all are easy and they should not be, or they would not be absorbed, learned and implemented. Have you ever given thought to the torment your mother may have went thru and still may be in brutal supression by your father? Before you cash it in give some thought as to how selfish it is. Your past is the past. You have the present and the future yet to mold. Do as your therapist has stated "say goodbye to the disfunction" disconnect from them and move on. It can and is done everyday. It is time to put the little engine that could back on the tracks and continue on down the line. Remember the saying ? i think I can I think I can,..... I know I can.
We will be here listening as you come by and share the news of the journey and we can get some exercise at the train stops.

Maybe this old tune will help open the door to a new and special you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PyAdps2W-ZA

Thomas the Engine is awaiting his new Conducter, Pboston1363

Keep looking forward youngin....

R

[puppies]

I found this quote on a piece of paper on the floor: "Don't let a week go by without telling someone that you love them.
Out loud. Pets count. So does your reflection in the mirror." It's simple, but it helped me!

[pboston1363]

Thank you all, I spent a few hours with my therapist yesterday and she wanted to admit me, I refused, I am so scared and I know that whatever I choose someone will be hurt, have you ever felt alone in the world and that no one understands or has gone through what you are going through, are there groups where people could understand, therapy has brought old memories forward and my therapist said it would get worse before it gets better, how do I hang on? Will it get better? Has anyone ever wanted to run away, just jump in your car and drive to where no one knows you, but how do you stop the nightmares. Please share your thoughts, I appreciate the prayers and suggestions I have received from strangers.