I'm sure there are many of your out there that are feeling like me. It's been a rough couple of years for me dealing with the a series of things that led to the loss of my dear mom. As an agoraphobic for many years, she was also a "safe person" for me. I dealt with her months of diagnostic tests and biopsies before we found out she had lung cancer. I held her hand through her treatments, the loss of hair, and finally the last few days of radiation therapy after which she would be able to relax and regrow her hair. She had the days crossed off on her calendar as to when she would finish up treatment. With 4 days left of treatment, on November 9, 2009 (2 years ago today) she was on her way home from a radiation treatment and her car suddenly accelerated at a high speed, and she couldn't stop it. She ended up off the road in a grove of trees upside down in attempt to stop her car and not hit anyone (she was that selfless!) She suffered for 2 months with a broken neck and a badly mangled arm which required several surgeries. I took care of her at my house and watched as my best friend had her spirit broken. She was always an uplifting person no matter what life dealt her. This broke her, and it broke me. She ended up getting a bad infection in her arm, and because of the chemo treatments she couldn't fight it off. It ended up taking her life. I watched her in the ICU on a ventilator for 3 days before we decided to let her go. It has traumatized me for the rest of my life.
The crossroads I am talking about in the subject line of my post is referring to being in my late 40s and not knowing who I am anymore. I have been a caretaker for my children and my parents my whole adult life. I have 2 college aged children (still trying to leave the nest) and a 12-year-old daughter. Lately I have worried that life has left me behind. My kids don't need me as much. My mom is gone. Other than doing medical transcription part time from home, I feel like life has lost meaning. Where do I fit in? Anxiety and panic hold me back and are definitely a road block to getting out there with other people living their lives, but I don't respect myself for not doing something with my life. Anxiety has robbed me of so many things! What is worse? -- the feeling of being safe in my little cocoon at home or the fear of getting out there in the world and finding my place? I have always been a mother first. Careers were never important to me, and I have always been glad to be home with my kids on their days off and in the summer. I would have to give that up with my 12-year-old if I got a job outside the home.
I know this is long, so thank you for taking the time to read it. Anyone have these same fears?
Kathy
For those of us at a crossroads
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tina martin
- Posts: 792
- Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 9:24 pm
Re: For those of us at a crossroads
How unbelievably courageous you were with your mother. So sorry about her and your suffering.
I am way past where you are but I'll say two things: 1. If you have the program give it your attention. Anxiety will rob you of far too much and the program can help. And, 2. Your life is opening up for a new chapter that holds endless promise: it is the discovery of yourself and the next half of your life. Wishing you the best.
I am way past where you are but I'll say two things: 1. If you have the program give it your attention. Anxiety will rob you of far too much and the program can help. And, 2. Your life is opening up for a new chapter that holds endless promise: it is the discovery of yourself and the next half of your life. Wishing you the best.