help from those married with kids please

[Pixie_tired]

It’s been years since I’ve posted on here but I a little background, I struggle with OCD/depression. Have a wonderful therapist who has helped minimize my intrusive thoughts immensly as well as I have gone through this program.

I have been married 5 years just this July and we have a one year old and three year old. My husband coach’s 3 sports year round. I find myself feeling like he constantly owes me for the time he is gone and that I am left to care for the kids. (I work full time too which saves me a little bit because I know I couuld never be a stay at home mom!) Coaching is the only thing we fight about in our marriage and it makes me treat him terribly. I am always frustrated with all the unexpected things that come up. Lately I have really been aware of how I treat him and this isn’t how I want to be. He is a wonderful dad and husband and I love him, but why am I so awful to him? How can I treat someone I love so bad? I will wake up in the morning feeling mad at him but will then realize nothing has happened yet for me to mad.

I will go through streaks where I am good for a little while and then, bam, out of nowhere I flip out. I just find things so hard with the kids being so little and demanding. working full time, we just moved, relocated and finally are in our own house after living with my parents for 9 months. It’s been a stressful time but at least we are now in our own space but now adjusting to that too. I am feeling weird, and I have begun the thinking of maybe I don’t love him if I can’t treat him nicely? What is wrong with me? My mom was the same way with my dad growing up, only she wouldn’t talk to all of us for days when she got mad. Did I pick up this behavior from her? Or is this common when you have young kids and everything is just crazy all the time?!!!!!!??!!!!

Since focusing on how I know I don’t treat my husband good it has made my mind go to other places of, are we doomed? Do I not really love him if I treat him this way? What is wrong with me?

I am feeling very weird and surreal today. outward looking in. Feel like I could have a panic attack and it’s been years since I’ve had one. Please help if you have been in a similar situation in your marriage with kids, are these the roughest years that you remember? Did you treat your spouse this way when you felt things were uneven? Why do I treat the one I am suppose to love so much so bad?

[tina martin]

These are rough times, indeed. Young children require so much attention and it is easy to start imagining all sorts of things. I am much older and things have changed since I was young with young children. But turning against your husband will accomplish nothing. Try for some time for both of you without the children to attend to each other and keep your love for each other alive and well. Otherwise the potential hurt to your children is so great.

If you can work part-time for now that can makes things more manageable. It is what I did. Just a thought. Best to you.

[newrunner]

Hi,

I am a SAHM with 4 boys, all born within 5 years and 1 week. My husband doesn't coach, but he does have a job that keeps him there about 10-12 hrs. a day and sometimes travel. I agree that getting mad and alienating him is not the right path. I've tried that myself. What does help me is to take time for myself - I go to the gym or go running. And I have a quiet time each afternoon where I nap or read. The kids have the quiet time then too. Mom rules. And we have talked about marriage being hard and how we have to put "the relationship" above all else. Even above coaching. Compromise is everything. Remember why you got married-- you wanted to be together. He needs to remember that too. He can't just check out and expect the relationship to stay the same.

One idea that we've tried when things get crazy is to check in at lunch time via the phone and sometimes we'll write a note to each other, so that decisions that we need to make don't get pushed to the side.

It's hard to live for the important, not just the urgent, when your kids are so tiny.
Is it possible for you to go part-time? Have you ever asked your husband to cut back a bit?

[Pixie_tired]

Thanks to both of you for your response's. I am unable to work part time at the moment. I have also talked to him about cutting back his coaching and he has here and there. we just moved back to his hometown, long story...but more coaching to be done, he feels the pressure to unfortunately and we could use the money. But it doesn't make things easy by any means. Before we were married I asked that if someday when we had kids he would not coach and he told me if he had to he would stop. After we had our first and I brought this up he told me he lied. so...disappointing. I am still feeling crummy. Is it normal I guess to be mean and on edge with your husband? Am I normal? I do feel bad that I treat him this way but I can't help it. My therapist suggested some brief couple's therapy for us which we will do. I just don't want to be this way.

And, my husband is a great guy so please don't take the fact that he just told me what he wanted me to hear back in the day about quitting as a bad guy. He probably just thought it would never come to that. I don't know. You never know until you're in it I guess. I have talked to his mom about how I struggle with the coaching and she just says it's in his blood and for me to find "me" time and a hobby. When the heck am I suppose to do that!?! I also commute 80 minutes a day. ugh. btw, i can't imagine having 4 kids. period!

[Momof2cuteboys]

I am feeling you on this one. I keep asking myself why I treat my husband the same way? The thing is, is my husband has always been there through me with all of this, we been married for 8 years, I was diagnosed 6.5 years ago with panic disorder.

We too are parents to a 3 and 4 year old. I am a SAHM and I take two days a week where I take them to "daycare" just to be sure I am getting time to myself to clean, run errands, or just relax. I run a tax office during tax season and work full time then. My husband allows me to take an hour to myself when I get home to just relax...take a hot bath, watch my fav tv show, read a book, go workout, or whatever and that helps.

I think, that you both should establish some "you" time...decide each night that you each get 30 to 45 minutes to yourselves then the rest of the night enjoy it as a family. Alot of times I think we get so caught up in work and chores and being a mom or dad that we start to make our whole lives "work" instead of remembering to take time out for us and keeping fun in our home and family and love lives.

It's not because you don't love your husband anymore, but when we lose track of ourselves we eventually lose track of all that is around us and the anxiety/ocd/depression sets in with it's ugly head

I hope this helps a bit. Take time for you and let hubby take time for him and then plan a date night once or twice a month, make play nights with the kiddos as a family. Just remember to enjoy what you have and the many blessings God has put in your life

[tina martin]

These are wonderful posts with such good suggestions. What really got me through big crossroads were my darling children. I put them first and have no regrets. They need a loving father and mother and so I worked hard at making sure they had their father and the marriage survived. It will be 50 years this year.

To this day (they are grown, away, and on their own) I love it when they ask, "How's dad? Where is dad? What is he up to?" They still seek his advice, his help, his guidance, his love. I made great sacrifices to keep the marriage in tact. I'd do it all over again.