Well, assuming I pass the background and credit check, it looks like I will be going to work doing tech support for Sprint from home. I am pretty worried about the credit check, because mine is not great. But, there’s nothing I can do about it. If I get hired I get hired – if I don’t, I don’t. I just hope I do because I really need the money. I think being able to pay my own bills again will help with my anxiety. The schedule is pretty good. I will be working Sundays from 2 to 10:30 and Monday through Thursday from 2 to 10. I will have Fridays off to go see Kenzie cheer and Saturdays off.
It also looks like I will be starting classes with University of Phoenix next week. I’m waiting on a couple of calls from them just to confirm a few things. But, as far as I can tell right now, I will be starting classes on the 18th. I’m excited about this, but with that excitement comes some anxiety, too. But, I think once I get started and get into class, I will be OK. Everything is here at home, so I know I’m safe. I really hope this time can be a time of healing for me.
The last few days have been pretty tough. I’ve been fairly anxious every day and night before last I had a panic attack after dinner. My heart sped up, as it always does when I eat a big meal, but I let it get to me. I tried to go to the store with mom but I had to come home. I went in my bedroom and laid down on my bed for about 30 minutes. After I did, it passed. Mom and I drove around for a while and then went to the store. I was OK the rest of the night.
As I have said before, I really don’t want to take med’s all the time. But, there’s no doubt about it, I do SO MUCH BETTER when I take a Xanax at night before I go to bed. It doesn’t take the anxiety away, but it takes the edge off so that I’m better able to manage it. I’m just worried about getting addicted to it or that I’ll never be able to get off of it. I don’t want to have to take a pill the rest of my life. But, maybe I just need to settle in the knowledge that I need that. I don’t know, but it bothers me a lot!
There’s a lot of change taking place in my life and in the lives of my family right now. The funny thing is that, for the most part, the change is all good. My niece, Mackenzie is growing up and turning in to a beautiful young woman. She is starting high school in two weeks and will be cheering on Friday nights at football games. In our little world here in East Texas, football is king and cheerleaders are queens on Friday nights. I’m so proud of her, but man I don’t want her to grow up so fast. I miss my little girl a lot. She’s more into her friends than her family now and that’s normal. But, it hurts a little knowing that she’d rather see them than us.
I’m having trouble with the change. I think that may be a lot of what is keeping my anxiety at such a heightened level. I stay sad most of the time when I should be happy. Everything is moving in exactly the direction it is supposed to be moving, and for the rest of my family that is a good thing. For me, though, it means that nothing will ever be the same and it scares me. Why does the change scare me so much? I need to figure that out.
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Random thoughts about my anxiety
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Guest
Well, it sounds as if alot of exciting things are happening in your life!! I can relate--I just sold my house (waiting today for final papers to clear) and I am moving to Florida from Massachusetts--I have lived here my whole life and I am scared and excited! What happens to us--and funny I was going to post about nearly the same thing--is that we often misinterpret the feelings of excitement with anxiety as they both cause us to have the same exact response!! Think about that--when we are excited, our pulse quickens, we may feel a little dizzy and unreal---sounds like my typical panic attack!! All that you are going through is alot for anyone to handle never mind someone with panic attacks. If you need the Xanax to get you through, take it. I personally am too scared to try anything but believe me, I would. I think you should be proud and excited of all the change. My husband always tells me to embrace the change and hold on for the ride! I guess that is what we both need to do right now! Keep the faith, my firned, this too will pass!! 
Jason -
I think change is difficult for a lot of us with anxiety disorders. It means uncertainty, which for us usually leads to worry. We like things to be comfortable and predictable. So I think your feelings of anxiety and sadness are understandable. But give yourself credit where credit is due. You're making many positive changes and although it is uncomfortable now, these changes have the potential to open up many new opportunities. But let your worry go. As you get used to all the new changes in your life, they will start to become familiar and you will get back into your comfort zone.
Jamie
I think change is difficult for a lot of us with anxiety disorders. It means uncertainty, which for us usually leads to worry. We like things to be comfortable and predictable. So I think your feelings of anxiety and sadness are understandable. But give yourself credit where credit is due. You're making many positive changes and although it is uncomfortable now, these changes have the potential to open up many new opportunities. But let your worry go. As you get used to all the new changes in your life, they will start to become familiar and you will get back into your comfort zone.
Jamie
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Guest
I like SeaRunner's picture! Did you notice it? That's funny. Isn't that what it feels like out in the open? Outside of the house? I've been closing myself up every chance I get! My life has recently taken a downward spiral. I won't go into it, but I've managed to make it even worse by hiding in my house and avoiding everyone. One very important thing I need to express to you is that it is not shameful to need medication for anything, as long as it helps you. If I had kept up with mine I know that my situation would be a lot better right now. It's my own fault for not keeping up with my medication and Dr's appointments. I know that I am able to conduct my life better when I keep up with my meds. Besides, what business is it of anyone else's that I take a medication and what I take it for? I'm not one to take pills. I rarely have ever even taken a Tylenol for a headache. If I get a headache I drink water and that usually takes care of it. But, I know that I do better on my meds for my mood disorder. They don't take care of all of the symptoms, but they do take the edge off of my depression an anxiety.
Change is very difficult for people in our situation. The world seems covered in a film; out of touch; floating around us; never touching us. It's as if maybe we're not really there. But, we are. And we are often a very important part of what's happening, just as you are in your niece's life. Sometimes, we're concentrating so much on ourselves and what's right and wrong with us that we forget one of the most important things in life; the lives and happenings of others. I hope I've helped in some way honey, take care. Jump in; the water's fine!!!
Change is very difficult for people in our situation. The world seems covered in a film; out of touch; floating around us; never touching us. It's as if maybe we're not really there. But, we are. And we are often a very important part of what's happening, just as you are in your niece's life. Sometimes, we're concentrating so much on ourselves and what's right and wrong with us that we forget one of the most important things in life; the lives and happenings of others. I hope I've helped in some way honey, take care. Jump in; the water's fine!!!
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Guest
ConfusedOne -
I think you have some great advice and insight. I can completely relate to your description of life being slightly out of touch, feeling just out of reach. I often feel that way and have to remind myself that it feels like that only because I'm paying so much attention to myself and looking for anything and everything that might be wrong.
By the way, the picture is of me. It was taken at a 5K fun run where business attire was highly encouraged. So I ran while wearing a suit coat, shirt, and tie. I've gotten enough comments that I may post a larger version. My only hesitation is that I have OCD privacy fears. But really, what's the worst thing that could come of it?
Be well,
Jamie
I think you have some great advice and insight. I can completely relate to your description of life being slightly out of touch, feeling just out of reach. I often feel that way and have to remind myself that it feels like that only because I'm paying so much attention to myself and looking for anything and everything that might be wrong.
By the way, the picture is of me. It was taken at a 5K fun run where business attire was highly encouraged. So I ran while wearing a suit coat, shirt, and tie. I've gotten enough comments that I may post a larger version. My only hesitation is that I have OCD privacy fears. But really, what's the worst thing that could come of it?
Be well,
Jamie