Rebecca
Accomplishment?
Today I went and talked to my boss. I have several boss' one at my school and one at the district level. Today I went and talked to the district level boss. She is always very supportive and easy to talk to. I told her about my anixety and the 4 days of crying I recently went through, I also told her that I take responibility for the things that made me anxious but that I need her help to over come them. I am a pleaser. I want to take care of everyone and make take thier problems away. My husband says I care too much. He is very right. I don't know how to say no or to al the very least help someone solve thier own problem with out doing if for them. I just take it on as my own, along with the 500 things I am already doing until I put myself into a panic. I need to learn to say NO and to DELEGATE. Today my explanation of all this to her was to say if someone else is struggling at thier location and needed to have a change of schools I am volunteering to switch. She was great and helped me talk through questions like would I just let others at a new location do to me what I have let happen at my current school. I explained to her that I was getting help to learn to say no, not take on others problems and to delegate. I am learning that I am not the only one that can complete a task. However I do need a fresh start to do these things. I have been at my current location for 8 years and everyone has come to depend on me to fix thier probelms. (Even the ones that don't necessary care for me.) I feel I need to start over to be able to heal. This is where I need you, What are your opinions on what I did and my justifications for it? Thanks for helping me heal.
Rebecca
Rebecca
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Guest
Hi Rebecca,
For certain, we anxious types are known as "people pleasers". I know I certainly was, and still am to some extent. I found a few years ago that I just have to stop taking everyone's problems on my shoulders. I was where you are - I had too much of my own "stuff" to worry about without taking on the problems of others.
I decided that I had to start saying "no" or, rather, not offering to help fix everyone's problems. I had been volunteering for years... so much so that I had no time for myself, so I cut that way down. I think volunteering is a great thing, but one can only do so much.
I applaud what you did as I know exactly where you are and where you are coming from. You can handle this either by staying where you are and not offering to help. But, after 8 years, perhaps these co-workers would expect you to still help. I think moving to another location is a great idea. You can basically "start over" with a fresh, new attitude. You still can be courteous and kind, but attend to your problems and don't take on those of others in your workplace.
You also have to learn (if you haven't already) to apply this "no thanks" attitude outside of your work. When you learn how to apply this new way of thinking and doing you will feel like a new person. You will feel much more relaxed and less anxious. Now, at first you will probably feel "guilty" for not helping everyone but this is just a thought. It's your mind saying, "I SHOULD....." We have to learn to get rid of these "shoulds". The "guilt" will pass with time. It did for me.
You are on the right track. You know exactly what you want to do. May I say again - GOOD JOB! You took a big first step and it will feel great. Give it time!
Good luck!
For certain, we anxious types are known as "people pleasers". I know I certainly was, and still am to some extent. I found a few years ago that I just have to stop taking everyone's problems on my shoulders. I was where you are - I had too much of my own "stuff" to worry about without taking on the problems of others.
I decided that I had to start saying "no" or, rather, not offering to help fix everyone's problems. I had been volunteering for years... so much so that I had no time for myself, so I cut that way down. I think volunteering is a great thing, but one can only do so much.
I applaud what you did as I know exactly where you are and where you are coming from. You can handle this either by staying where you are and not offering to help. But, after 8 years, perhaps these co-workers would expect you to still help. I think moving to another location is a great idea. You can basically "start over" with a fresh, new attitude. You still can be courteous and kind, but attend to your problems and don't take on those of others in your workplace.
You also have to learn (if you haven't already) to apply this "no thanks" attitude outside of your work. When you learn how to apply this new way of thinking and doing you will feel like a new person. You will feel much more relaxed and less anxious. Now, at first you will probably feel "guilty" for not helping everyone but this is just a thought. It's your mind saying, "I SHOULD....." We have to learn to get rid of these "shoulds". The "guilt" will pass with time. It did for me.
You are on the right track. You know exactly what you want to do. May I say again - GOOD JOB! You took a big first step and it will feel great. Give it time!
Good luck!
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Guest
Rebecca,
I, too, work at a job where lots of people depend on me to help them out--that's pretty much the nature of my job. I think it's great that you're brainstorming ways to help you get a fresh start. I've found that what guides me in my decisions about what help to provide centers on exactly what that help will do for someone. I try to help people so that their skills will improve and so that they're better equipped to make good decisions with their own work. If doing something for someone doesn't help them improve, then I don't consider that a good use of my time. It's taken a while for my coworkers to figure this out about me, but now I get a lot of respect for the help I do provide. By the way, I began the program a little over a week ago--I'm a perfectionist, get anxious over everything having to be just right, and suffer from nasty bouts of insomnia. So I have a long way to go!
I, too, work at a job where lots of people depend on me to help them out--that's pretty much the nature of my job. I think it's great that you're brainstorming ways to help you get a fresh start. I've found that what guides me in my decisions about what help to provide centers on exactly what that help will do for someone. I try to help people so that their skills will improve and so that they're better equipped to make good decisions with their own work. If doing something for someone doesn't help them improve, then I don't consider that a good use of my time. It's taken a while for my coworkers to figure this out about me, but now I get a lot of respect for the help I do provide. By the way, I began the program a little over a week ago--I'm a perfectionist, get anxious over everything having to be just right, and suffer from nasty bouts of insomnia. So I have a long way to go!
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Guest
Rebecca -
I think it's very encouraging that you are working to better yourself and your life. While I'm not questioning your choices, I would like you to consider a few things before making your decision. Specifically, if you make a change to a new school, are you really getting a fresh start or just running from the current situation? In other words, if you don't change your behaviors, will you just repeat the same cycle at a new location?
One of the things that folks like us need to work on is our assertiveness, specifically, the ability to say NO. If you continue to be unable to do that, then you will likely recreate the situation you are in now at the new school. Regardless of whether you stay where you are or move on, I would definitely consider all of your motivations for doing so and what you can do to prevent yourself from falling back into old habits.
I think it's very encouraging that you are working to better yourself and your life. While I'm not questioning your choices, I would like you to consider a few things before making your decision. Specifically, if you make a change to a new school, are you really getting a fresh start or just running from the current situation? In other words, if you don't change your behaviors, will you just repeat the same cycle at a new location?
One of the things that folks like us need to work on is our assertiveness, specifically, the ability to say NO. If you continue to be unable to do that, then you will likely recreate the situation you are in now at the new school. Regardless of whether you stay where you are or move on, I would definitely consider all of your motivations for doing so and what you can do to prevent yourself from falling back into old habits.