Here I go again...can I do better?

[tweaky1h]

Hello all,

I've been gone awhile. I did the program October 2007, and it was the best thing I could have done for myself. The program made me realize how I was causing my anxiety with my negative thinking, catastrophizing, what iffing...It all made sense, and worked. I went off the Lexapro and up until now have weathered the storms of life pretty well.

Now I am being tested...After an extremely stressful summer due to a fallout with my mother and the usual anxiety I experience every fall when my autistic son goes back to school...I have some new body symptoms that are challenging my ability to cope. My tweaker, so to speak, is health related anxiety and hypochondria. With my active imagaination, and compulsive need to symptom surf on the internet, I can convince myself of all kinds of diseases. I akin it to those poor souls with eating disorders that despite all evidence to the contrary, convince themselves they're fat. I do that with disease symptoms: I had muscle twitching so I was convinced I had ALS; when I was young and single I was paranoid of HIV, convincing myself I had all the symptoms; you get the picture.

Now I have a swollen lymph node in my neck that keeps getting inflamed. It was swollen in October when I went to the doctor...she said I should have it checked out if it didn't go away. I was there for jaw/throat pain so I went to an ENT. He wasn't concerned about the gland, saying it was common to be able to feel them. It was the answer I wanted so I didn't pursue it (but should have). It got inflamed a few times since, always after extreme emotional stress so I "convinced" myself that was the cause. Yesterday I wen't to the chiropractor to deal with the TMJ that got worse with this latest round of stress, and my neck wouldn't crack so he used some device to pop the neck. It was right on top of the gland, and later last night I felt for the lymph node (compulsive thing I do now that conforts/freak me out) and the gland was huge! I slept a total of 1 hour last night...tossing and turning, ruminating, catastrophyzing, analyzing, etc. Needless to say, I feel terrible today although the gland did go down, but not totally.

I know what I need to do: I have to have this gland checked out by an expert, have it biopsied, and deal with it if it's something, or forget about it if it's not. I am so anxious!!! I'm having such a hard time getting a hold on myself. I did the program, I'm supposed to be past this! I should have followed up in October when we had good insurance...January 1st it was switched to a rediculously high deductible! Ugh, I am so diappointed in myself right now, and scared.

[Guest]

tweaky1h,

I did the program once too and am doing it again. This does not seem to be unusual. I takes us a while to "get" everything we need and build up our skills. Start using your skills again as you have to deal with this health scare.

All I can suggest is to screw up your courage, call your doctor or the ENT and tell them it has gotten larger and find out where you need to go from there.

Don't beat yourself up just because symptoms came back--hey, mine never completely went away and I worked hard on it. Remember, as Lucinda says, don't "should all over yourself". I know you are scared, who wouldn't be? That is normal. Hope everything turns out OK!!!