Chat Room Men-Bashing

Sparkus · Post by **Sparkus** » Tue May 13, 2008 8:13 am

I'm not trying to stir up any controversy here but I do have an opinion to voice. Recently I looked in on the chat room and saw that a member was having problems with a cheating husband. I am always sorry to read about marital infidelity but even more sorry that people who are well-meaning jump to the aid of the 'victim' by men-bashing. I read statements such as "this is what all men do" and "they like a little naughty to go with the nice at home" and other comments. As a male I am reluctant to say anything for fear of being unfairly ganged up on or accused of something I don't do. I don't enjoy being stereotyped nor do I engage in extracurricular activities outside my marriage. This creates an uncomfortable environment in chat and while I realize it is not being directed at me per se, it still is uncomfortable. Well, I probably stirred up a hornet's nest here and didn't mean to. But please keep in mind that not all men are such scoundrels and some have good morals out there too. For myself, if this is what chat is coming to then I may stop checking in at all.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue May 13, 2008 8:23 am

I'm glad you voiced this, I am new to chat but have been looking in from time to time lately. No one will know there are issues if they are not voiced by someone...

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue May 13, 2008 8:36 am

Sparkus, You chose a very tactful way of asserting yourself, therefore I'm proud of you standing up for yourself, and others, that may feel uncomfortable in chat when such conversations arise. As a woman, I DO NOT believe that all men are alike(otherwise I wouldn't have married again

) IF this does stir up a "hornets nest", that would be unfortunate, because your doing exactly what were being taught. Being assertive and honest with others. KUDOS!!!
Robin

derfy · Post by **derfy** » Wed May 14, 2008 8:33 am

yes ty sparkus for speaking up...and yes i have noticed too many (well meaning i am sure just in hopes to build up one suffering) often bash what the one is suffering from--meaning the other person/mate etc. it bothers me too, altho at times i think i have also understood and felt sorry. this is good practice for learning how to speak up with one's insight or truth....at least it has been helpful to me by times/practicing being assertive----of course as long as i am not trounced on for such---hehe. yes, some do come on with just woes---me---i so want chat to be a place of healing and helpful reminders of this program=which is StressCenter.com's site after all, they pay for it and have a program that is helpful to many to TEACH THEMSELVES how to get well-----yet i feel it can degrade often to just a negative angry complaining room--devoid of any StressCenter.com helpful skills or even good manners, and by that i mean when some habitually just come on to be angry about their circumstances and bash ones in their life and complain and are stuck on negativity 24/7 just about themselves, without any seeming care how that drags down others, and have no personal responsibility for their own actions in all this nor in their own lives/seems always someone else's fault for not taking care of them as they wish, and yes i know that is common human complaint---but there is always the other person who may feel their own feeldings about that. it gets very self involved often in complaints...i can't see where chat is anything more than a place to come for 'dumping ground of negativity, then they have to go--drive their new car that mate bought or whatever. isn't negativity what we are practicing and learning how to come away from???? well, at least many of us are, and i come to chat for positive helpful program reminders and sharing of such and try to make it also a place for celebration of any and all forward movements to positive living as i can. me, my wish is thats the kind of place it could more often be.......helpful towards better thinking and living. not a negative, 'dumping' only room as it seems to be for many--i do understand however, as i have also 'been there'.... good manners at least trys to make us try to see how not to bring everyone down each and every time one comes blasting into the room with negativity-and want alllllll the attention...THEN AMAZINGLY will come on at times TELLING/SHOULDING all over the very ones that have patiently put up with them trying to help---TELLING them how to believe etc., hmmmmm.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed May 14, 2008 9:32 am

Emma- I didn't intend to portray the chat room as all bad. I am only referring to some specific behavior recently. It is a good place to go and share insights and gain or offer support. I think I'm being hard on it because the potential for the wrong kind of conversations always exists and, believe me, has before. The StressCenter.com has taken steps to control the goings-on of the chat room and has really cleaned things up over time very admirably. You just have to go there and judge for yourself if chat is something you want to do.

h.beth- Thanks for your insights and I appreciate your honesty and opening up with your views. The chat room is a great place to come for help and I know that at one time it was a lifeline for me. It is and has remained a lifeline for many to the present day no doubt. You mentioned that the chat room can be a dumping ground for negativity. That is the one thing that has concerned me before too- that it can get too addictive and people can end up spending all day & evening on it, rather than getting out there and working the program and working toward leading a better life. I don't think there is a way to control this really. It is a personal choice to utilize chat and I think that the individual must weigh the payoff of time spent in chat for productive outcomes versus simply killing time and avoiding growing & living.

The bottom line for me is that I witnessed some dialogue on chat that I did not deem as appropriate and so my choice is to stay away for awhile. This is not helping me grow as a person nor is it getting me closer to my goals.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed May 14, 2008 12:18 pm

Hey Sparkus, Eliz, and all...I've been on more chatboards since 1992 here on the web than 90% of the people who check in here and I've never seen a perfect board/chatroom in all that time.

People go to a chatroom/board to let their feelings loose and a great many of them succeed daily if not hourly. In fact it's hilarious to me at times the depth that someone will go to 'get their point across' or to slam someone.

I ignore some, take on some and laugh at others while at the same time enjoy talking with most because the most have things worthwhile to contribute. A problem child on any chatroom or board only gets 15 minutes of internet fame while the rest of us are here forever.

Sparkus, take a break from chat if you feel it's detrimental to you. Everyone should do exactly what you are doing - take a break, go live life, do what you want to do and get off that computer for awhile. I'll guarantee the computer will be fine while you're gone. As for the chatroom, the names/userid's will change but the same type of people (good & bad) will be there when you return. Your job is to learn not to read or believe everything that is posted.

As far bashing me? Go ahead..I'll either hit back, ignore ya completely or laugh at you... that's how I do it and that's how one survives a chatroom/board no matter where you go on the internet.

There ya go...
David

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed May 14, 2008 4:37 pm

well ty sparkus and david...dear sparkus, you are right...sometimes we have to force ourseves to get off the puter and do the work to live better...i have taken many a little vacation from here when things get too negative or arguing over religion etc goes banannas with the shoulding etc which it has periodically since i first came on. so, may not know as much as you david about chatrooms as this was my first couple years ago and the only one so far. and to emma etc., there have been very good and helpful times on it , as there has been some very negative batches too. the chat room really should have a saying one has to read each and every time before they go into it i think, regarding the program and StressCenter.com sponsoring it, and that folks will find others who understand alot as have 'been there', but the healing comes from teaching yourself helpful skills that can and do address many of the various issues the StressCenter.com program was built to help. that the folks on chat are not their paid therapists, just folks recovering or recovered but still trying to live with better thinking. they can understand, but the individuals need to block out time and do the program for their own healing. or something to that effect. i like to go now, be reminded of various good ways to think/kinda reviewing the program always, as i know all too well, that it is too easy to forget the good things we have learned and fall back into old negative patterns. so far so good...but i do remember "when", and want to stay close to the program. you enjoy your little vacation sparkus, and from my heart to yours=i wish you every good thing.