Facing Fears

TJT1979 · Post by **TJT1979** » Sun Apr 27, 2008 9:03 am

I have a lot of trouble facing my fears. I have had this program since January and to be honest I haven't put forth alot effort to facing my fears. I know I am not giving 100% to this program and I know it is because I am afraid to get better. Don't get me wrong I WANT TO BE BETTER. I am just afraid of the way it will change my life. If anyone else has similar fears please let me know.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Apr 27, 2008 9:31 am

I'm afraid to go certain places again. For example, the mall. I am making progress very slowly but I think it will be a while before I am stress free about going to some of those places.

Today I went to the drug store and I noticed I was shaking like a leaf. I started to beat myself up again and then after a while I noticed that the shaking started getting less and less. That was a confidence boost.

I have been avoiding restaurants like the plague lately but this week is my dad & my sister-in-law's birthday so I HAVE to go out to eat. I'm dreading it so much and then I have to keep trying to change those thoughts. It's hard. I'd like to just tell my family I am sick and not go.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Apr 27, 2008 9:41 am

I know how you feel we have been like this long.I am trying to work the program,I find myself being slack I had a set back I was really gaining ground and then tried a new area and was having anxiety never got into a panic the problem is I don't want to push myself.so had my husband to turn around and I have been worse ever since I need to work harder and I don't want to feel the panic and the program says feel the fear and do it anyway,I don't want too,I am going to try I need to start out small they say baby steps I am not afraid to get well I just don't want to go thru the fear to get to the other side but that is the only way do we want to be like this the rest of our I don't know about you but i am tired of running,lets try harder

chellebelle · Post by **chellebelle** » Sun Apr 27, 2008 9:55 am

forever young 06 i could totaly relate to your story, I had a set back about a month ago and now it is much harder for me to even go out. I actually dont know exactly what i fear because it is even hard for me to step a foot out of the house. But everytime i want to just take my kids out side i forse myself because i dont want to be house bounded. But other then that i have so much trouble going n e further. I live right by a Walmart Super center which is only 2 minutes away and it is already hard for me to go there, the car ride is ok but as soon as i step my foot into the store i start feeling anxious and panicky. I know I have to push my self and just deal with it but i do hate the uncomfortable feelings too. The last time i have been out shopping shopping was in Febraury, I have so much trouble in going to big malls which is so busy so i mostly do my shopping at small malls or just stores like Kohls, Target, Kmart, Walmart, Mervyns in stuff. But right now i feel like im getting worst and my brother even told me i am. And thats scareing me. Could n e one give me n e advice or anything that can help me Please....

Thanks a lot for your time.

Shelly

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Apr 27, 2008 10:13 am

you are lucky to live close to all these stores I have to drive 60 miles to a kohls thought about doing some shopping on line some things you need to try on.funny but if I could get to the stores I could shop,Its like lucinda said dr fischer said "those soup cans aren't going to fall off the shelves and hit you in the head" would it be nice to find humor and laugh at our self usally I am too busy running that it is they key I search or guess you could say waited for some miracle cure well it didn't come then I heard the informical and thought that sounds great well guess what you have to do it yourself you hold the key we are scaring ourselves we could let go and let God that it what Lucinda said well I tryied ever time I picked my fear back up can't let go,gee whats next,

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Apr 27, 2008 3:58 pm

This is so hard! I wish I knew why it happend in the first place. I have made up my mind that I am gonna get over this. Starting tomorrow I am gonna face a fear everyday. I am gonna write down a fear like i am suppoesd to and then face it. I promised myself when I got this program that I would do it and do it right. I don't like it when people break their promises and I should't allow myself to either. Thanks for all the replies coming on this site helps alot when I am feeling down. I'll keep ya'll posted on how it goes and please do the same we're all in this together.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Apr 28, 2008 1:21 am

I so understand what you meant, when you said "I'm afraid to get better". I too went thru the same exact thing. For me, what that same exact phrase meant was - "I WANT TO BE BETTER - HOWEVER, I'M AFRAID OF WHAT GETTING BETTER/RECOVERED WILL ENTAIL = I'M AFRAID OF WHAT I'LL NEED TO ENDURE/ADDRESS/FACE/FEEL/CHANGE TO GET BETTER/RECOVER". So, pls know - you are so on the right track - be proud of yourself - honestly - you're inquiring - you're reaching out - you're searching for TRUTHS, GREATER THAN THE ABSOLUTE LIES/NONSENSE ANXIETY DISORDER TRIES TO MAKE US ALL FEEL. Anxiety disorder is losing baby ^^^^^^^^^^5!

My #1 motivation for recovery was ME REMEMBERING WHAT ANXIETY DID TO ME + HOW IT MADE ME FEEL + THE POOR QUALITY OF LIFE I HAD + THE FACT THAT, W/ ANXIETY DISORDER - I WAS "EXISTING" NOT LIVING.
EX: when my anxiety disorder triggered, it was right after I had surgery for the 1st time in April 2005. It came hard & fast = w/in 3 days of getting home. Now, I had the mental where w/ all to know WHAT EVER THIS THING WAS - it wasn't physical. You see, right b/4 you have surgery - the run every kind of test you can imagine. I took action right away. I printed a list of THERAPISTS/PSYCHIATRISTS covered under our med ins. My reg dr made a gen'l diagnosis = ANXIETY DISORDER. I then, scheduled an appt w/ a psychiatrist. W/ in several initial sessions, I was diagnosed: anxiety disorder + panic attacks + PTSD(fr several things). Both of these medical professionals I saw, whom have never spoken to eachother about me - informed me my case was 1 of the worst they had ever seen. My anxiety disorder was so bad, I couldn't work - for the 1st time in my adult life(I was 37 @ the time) I couldn't work - I just wasn't capable - a fact that scared me/numbed me to my core. My anxiety disorder inhibited me + restricted me + paralized me in absolute terrifying fear + my anxiety disorder made me TOTALLY dependant on my husband for just about everything. I had a terrible existence & all these things combined - HURT MY HEART. I was never ever a needy/clingy woman. Heck, I lived on my own for 10 yrs b/4 I got married + worked ft + put myself thru college & graduated - anxiety disorder took away fr me what I loved the mose = MY INDEPENDANCE & MY SELF SUFFICIENCY. Because of the extreme state I was in, I needed to CONSIDER medication. I had never needed to take anything in my life. In addition, because of where I grew up & the environment I did - I had apprehensions about med's & drugs - I saw a lot of people's lives ruined because of drug abuse w/ prescription meds & illegal drugs - & I never wanted that to be me. After much consultation, I agreed to go on anxiety med @ 3x's per day - out of necessity. In addition, I was experiencing severe sleep deprivation ='g 1-2 hrs of sleep per every 24 hrs. I had ONE STIPULATION: if I was going to take meds - it wouldn't be FOREVER for me - meaning, we were going to do whatever we had to & go whereever my therapist needed to - so I wouldn't have to. My therapist asked me what it feels like, my anxiety disorder. I replied, "it feels like I am in a black abyss by myself. It feels like being in the depths of hell, having Satan look me in the eye laughing & having the courage to walk away - saying NO I AM A CHILD OF GOD & YOU SHALL NOT WIN. My anxiety disorder feels like this: leaving my house early in the morning, like folks do going to work. I just exit my house, closing the door behind me. W/ my back against the closed door of my house behind me = w/ my back against the door & my chest/front of body facing the street. @ that very moment, I AM ALONE IN THE WORLD - THE ONLY ONE ON THE PLANET - ONLY ME." It was hard, tough, bad, extreme = it was all those things & more, lord it was, lol. I don't even have words that could accurately describe the level of fear I was living w/ CONSTANTLY, 24/7. In therapy, where my journey to recovery started & was delicately directed by my therapist, I needed to go to the place I feared MOST OF ALL = my childhood. I had experienced a lot of traumatic things, things I hadn't even taken into consideration as to the emotional ramifications on me - all things I didn't want to SAY OUT LOUD. You see, if I said it out loud - then , THEY BECOME TRUE = meaning, I admitt them to myself & then I'd need to experience THE EMOTIONS I had never been able to for all those events. THIS WAS MY GREATEST FEAR OF ALL. After initiating therapy, I TURNED IT ALL OVER TO GOD. I respectfully am not preaching religion here - as to my respecting everyone. For me, this thing felt beyond me - beyond my control. I didn't understand it & as a result, I feared THIS THING BEING MY FOREVER. I didn't ask GOD to take it away. Rather, I stated that I was WILLING to do whatever he felt & knew was best for me. I let him know I was afraid & to pls be my strength when I couldn't be strong - I asked him to guide me - SHOW ME THE WAY, cause HECK, LOL - I had no clue what to do, honest. As painful as therapy was, I was back to every single session, EVERY WEEK - I never missed ONE SESSION - as hard as it was. I told my therapist - "every session I do come to, brings me 1 session closer to where I don't have to come anymore or see his face, hahahhaha. He would impart great knowledge on me as we discussed many things - not only w/ my childhood, but also w/ anxiety disorder as a whole = theories & logic. You see, w/ me - I have to prove myself right - in other words, I needed to conceptually understand what he was saying & I had to find out for myself - I couldn't just take his word for it. So, THEN, I initiated JOURNALING - every single day. This was instrumental. Journaling TAUGHT me to get intuned w/ what I was thinking & feeling. In addition, it taught me to not be afraid of what I was thinking & feeling & TO FEEL IT. For when I do, I am no longer a prisoner to that fear - cause I faced it dead on. Then, after initiating journaling, I decided to go about understanding this ANXIETY DISORDER THING, lol - I went to BARNES & NOBLE - thru a specific time span, I read 16 books on anxiety disorder(not obviously all at once). Pls understand, KNOWLEDGE IS POWER - KNOWLEDGE IS ALL ABOUT EMPOWERMENT - KNOWLEDGE IS THE "CRYPTONITE" TO ANXIETY DISORDER. Oh lord, lol - I read so many darn books & was so sick of reading, can you imagine - I felt like a child does w/ GREEN VEGGIES, HAHAH. Remember, while all this was going on - I was home, not working, while my husband, my extended family(inlaws), friends - ALL WERE WORKING & going about their lives = spouses, children, jobs, homes, etc - I was home alone for 3 yrs DOING RECOVERY HOMEWORK as I call it. There were so many times, when having to confront my fears, which majority stemmed fr incidences fr childhood, I was so literally afraid - my knees would shake - like wobbly like - almost like I couldn't hold myself up. ONE OF THE MOST PAINFUL FEARS I WAS ABLE TO BRING UP FR MY SUBCONSCIOUS WAS - I had a fear of being alone & abandoned, having experienced it in childhood. Now imagine having this ephianny(sp) while home - alone & not working, w/ severe anxiety disorder - it was terrifying. Was it hard, HELL YES. Was it necessary - INSTRUMENTAL TO MY RECOVERY. 

The reason I shared the above ^^^^ w/ you is to try to inspire you all + to help you muster up the courage I know you all have - to show you that ANXIETY DISORDER LIES - I know there is pain & I know what facing the fear is like - hell, just the thought of having to so can CONVINCE A PERSON/SUFFERER THAT LIVING IN THE ABSOLUTE HELL OF AN EXISTENCE THAT IS ANXIETY DISORDER IS BETTER - pls pls believe me its not. Lucinda says it in the program: the anxiety we feel w/ anxiety disorder + the anxiety we feel w/ facing our fears ARE BOTH HARD & PAINFUL - yet only one gives you your freedom - RECOVERY. This isn't an instaneous process - its gradual & very methodical, so as to not overwhelm you emotionally. I am no superhero - I am just a woman who was paralized by anxiety disorder - who is now RECOVERED - started back in WORKING U.S.A just over 1 month ago - I haven't taken an anxiety med or sleeping aid in almost 20mths+. I simply didn't like how I was feeling - I didn't like what anxiety disorder was doing to me + the existence I was living + the poor quality of life I had + being so dependant on my husband - emotionally dependant on just about everyone else but myself. I didn't, as I spoke to God that 1 day, WANT THIS TO BE MY FOREVER. So, I fought like hell - w/ my motivation being I WANTED TO FEEL BETTER - I WANTED MORE THAN THIS EXISTENCE ANXIETY DISORDER WAS ATTEMPTING TO CREATE FOR ME - I didn't want to be in an emotional prison anymore. I didn't want to be filled w/ so much fear, w/ adding to that my FEAR OF FEAR, lol if that makes sense. Anxiety disorder will try to create AN EXISTENCE, A STATE OF BEING if you will - where there is nothing but FEAR 24/7 + SELF DOUBT + NEGATIVITY + DEPENDENCY + LACK OF SELF LOVE - you see guys, my MOTIVATION every single step/day/week/month/yr-for 3yrs was quite simply was NOT WANTING TO FEEL THOSE THINGS ANYMORE. I wasn't ok for myself - w/ myself, by myself - in my own company & that hurt my heart & lord, it made me cry. The only person in life you're GUARANTEED w/ is YOU - you will always have you. Not only was anxiety disorder making me feel all those things, I didn't love myself - I didn't trust myself or my own capabilities - I sought those things out fr EVERYONE ELSE - i SOUGHT THEIR VALIDATION OF ME - they needed to tell me these things for me to believe them & still, I didn't.

I wanted more for me - I wanted more than ALL THE THINGS ANXIETY DISORDER was giving me + making me feel + think + react - I felt as though life was passing me by - again, so I fought like hell. BECAUSE of all the cumulative things w/ regards to anxiety disorder - I MADE RECOVERY FR ANXIETY DISORDER MY #1 PRIORITY - out of sheer necessity, as dictated by recovery in gen'l - for the 1st time in my life - I PUT MYSELF 1ST. In Nov-2006, I purchased Lucinda's program - I was ready to face myself - I was being the grownup - willing to accept self accountability & responsibility for ME. I completed her program the 1st time in March 2007 - I'm currently going thru it again, as a refresher which is totally cool. There was nothing more important to me - than GETTING BACK INTO LIFE - GETTING MY FREEDOM FR THE EMOTIONAL PRISON I WAS IN - nothing, & I mean absolutely nothing. I needed to do it 1st & foremost for ME. Then, I wanted to do it for my husband/us as a family - it wasn't only me going thru this - his life was effected as well.

I know you've all heard this before & when its you going thru the beginnings of anxiety disorder - its not believable, lol - butttttt(of course there's a but

) YOU HAVE TO FACE YOUR FEARS - you need to face your fears - feel the symptoms & do such & such anyway - knowing, THOSE SYMPTOMS WON'T HURT YOU - I promise you. Look at me - use me as an ex for you - maybe a role model - I had 1 of the absolute worst cases - I had 1 of the most extreme childhoods to address w/ emotional issues coming out of everywhere, lol - I faced it all - I faced myself - WAS IT HARD - YES, I won't lie - was it painful? yes, I won't lie. BUT GUYS, I'M FREE & YOU CAN BE TOO - no BS, just pure honesty here. We can all give you advice - a sense of direction maybe. However, it is you on an individual basis that has to do the work.

There are so many examples of HOW DARN GOOD RECOVERY FEELS - let me give you one(bare w/ me - I know this is long, lol ):
EX: I was in work the other day - now, I am a people person - always have been. I've very at ease w/ people & have no problem talking, etc. I have a happy persona - hell, lets get real, I just got out of emotional prison, so I was happier than a pig in poopy, hahah. A customer came in - & I greeted them as is me & my personality. Do you want to know what this customer said to me? Literally & honestly? This customer said(jokingly), "gosh, you're too darn happy - maybe they could bottle you up or record your voice - so everyday when I wake up I CAN HAVE THAT TOO". The irony in that moment, that gift of a moment, was ANXIETY DIDN'T BEAT ME - I went fr 3 yrs ago being so negative & unhappy - to now, a customer wanting to bottle up whatever makes me me - THAT IS WHAT RECOVERY IS. Let me tell you, I went outside - requesting a break - I almost cried & doing a jig of a dance - IN PRIDE FOR MYSELF.

Make recovery your #1 priority - @ whatever the cost. There is nothing stronger than the WILL OF A HUMAN - NOTHING STRONGER THAN THE POWER OF THE HUMAN SPIRIT - if you want it, find a way. Don't believe the lies of anxiety disorder - THEY ARE NONSENSE. There is a light @ the end, you can all have that moment again where you're laughing hard fr your belly - FIGHT LIKE HELL.

In friendship, blessing, & RECOVERY FOR YOU ALL,

LENORE

FixingMyBrokenSmile · Post by **FixingMyBrokenSmile** » Mon Apr 28, 2008 9:38 am

TJT1979 

Hey I am with you, it is hard to deal with it but i want to overcome this too. Yesterday I made my first step and i went to Walmart which was 2 minutes away from home, i was feeling so anxious and i was very afrraid of panicking but i just dealt with it and then all of a sudden i just started feeling fine i didnt even want to leave the store,so i stayed there for a hour but before all that i was feeling of just running back home {but if i did then what} I am one of those stubborn people that just wants to take a leap but im to scared. So these baby steps are ok and does help.

So we can do this together, work hard on the program and do it right and we will overcome this.

Sooner or later we will be telling our accomplishemnt not our fears.

SO thank you for giving me some motivation and letting me know im not a lone.

Thank you Take care, God Bless

Good Luck

Shelly