OK,
So we've been planning to move to California for months. My family has been against it the entire time (due to the grandkiddos). My mom tells me that she cries every night and can't sleep ect. Last night she said that maybe she will die before we leave next week and then we won't have to come back for her funeral. I feel like I am ruining her life. My stress levels are already through the roof, but this burden is just impossible to ignore.
We have not sold our house yet, so we will be paying rent in the bay area (expensive) and a mortgage on our home here. We just found out this week that the moving truck is coming on Sunday. THIS SUNDAY! Ahhhhh!! We've been busy with realtors and showings and not much is packed. I just feel apathetic. I just want to close my eyes and pretend that I'm 5 again, I don't want to deal with all of this stress, I feel like I'm getting pulled in 5 different directions. I want to move and I don't and we are making a choice. We don't have to move, but my husband is a Software engineer and he's been working from home here for 2 years and wants to get into the corporate office. We don't like the weather here either. We lived there in 05-06 and loved it, came back because housing was cheaper and my mom constantly said how much she missed us and talked about how great it was in OH. I'm not trying to offend Ohioans, I'm glad that some people love it, we are more ocean and mountain types (can you tell by my screen name? :p
Anytime I say anything positive about CA, my mom just clams up, but like one day I said how cold the ocean is and she said, "Yeah, so and so said that's what stinks about the Pacific, it's too cold to enjoy. Lake Erie on the other hand...." And she starts talking about how much better it is here. We are also vegetarians and come on, there are waaaay more veggie restaurants and grocery choices in CA and the produce is amazing.
I think that I am affected by the darkness/constant gray in Ohio as well. Last time once we'd lived in CA for 2 months, my anxiety was gone. Moved back to OH and within 6 months it was back and has slowly gotten worse.
I also fear that I will have a panic attack in the middle of the desert as we are driving to save a few hundred dollars since my hospital is not offering relocation (I'm an RN). I'm also worried about working, I decided to stay home when my youngest was born, haven't worked in 2 years, I'm afraid I'll have constant anxiety at work and have to quite and we won't be able to afford to pay our mortgage here and rent in CA.
Anyhow, thanks for listening, it feels good to get all of this out, whew!
Ocean
Moving!!!
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Guest
Hi! I think everybody would have some anxiety about moving. But something I'm trying to remind myslef of everyday is that ultimately we must do what is right for ourselves. You have to think of you and your family and mom needs to let go and not guilt trip you. (I hope I will be able to do the same if my kids ever want to move away.) Some things are easier said than done. But sometimes anything worth doing isn't always easy. I don't know if you could talk to your mom (I can't really w/ mine) but maybe if you explain that you need her support more than ever, she would understand. And as a mom, promise to visit, and invite her a lot too. (if it's a healthy relationship!) That should make her feel better too. (are you a people pleaser like me?)Hope this will help somehow. Good luck & God Bless!
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Guest
Hi Lynskie,
Thanks for replying! I'm definitely a people pleaser. We have a good relationship, probably why it is so hard to see her so upset. My mom is afraid to fly so she said that she will probably never visit us, even though she did once when we lived there before (her first flight ever). She said that she won't have enough money to buy tickets and when I told her that we will buy her them, she said that she won't take people's money like that! Anything I say, she refutes it in some way, it's very discouraging!
My brother and sister are both within 40 mins driving of my mom, so she will still have family, and her mom and some siblings live close, my brother and sister do not have kids yet though. My sister keeps telling me that it would be OK for us to move if we didn't have kids and that she thinks it is the wrong decision and that they will never know family, ect...
Sigh....everywhere I turn it seems I am making the wrong choice, except that my husband is thrilled. The area that we are moving to is so much better than where we are now. I remember how friendly everyone is there, I was quite surprised when we first moved that perfect strangers were starting converstations with us and offering assistance if needed. Not the case where we are
Anyhow, thanks again, I think I'll just have to leave knowing that my mom doesn't understand and is dying inside... she did say that she will try to forget us so it will be 'easier'. I think that is just her pain talking... I hope!
Take care!
Thanks for replying! I'm definitely a people pleaser. We have a good relationship, probably why it is so hard to see her so upset. My mom is afraid to fly so she said that she will probably never visit us, even though she did once when we lived there before (her first flight ever). She said that she won't have enough money to buy tickets and when I told her that we will buy her them, she said that she won't take people's money like that! Anything I say, she refutes it in some way, it's very discouraging!
My brother and sister are both within 40 mins driving of my mom, so she will still have family, and her mom and some siblings live close, my brother and sister do not have kids yet though. My sister keeps telling me that it would be OK for us to move if we didn't have kids and that she thinks it is the wrong decision and that they will never know family, ect...
Sigh....everywhere I turn it seems I am making the wrong choice, except that my husband is thrilled. The area that we are moving to is so much better than where we are now. I remember how friendly everyone is there, I was quite surprised when we first moved that perfect strangers were starting converstations with us and offering assistance if needed. Not the case where we are
Anyhow, thanks again, I think I'll just have to leave knowing that my mom doesn't understand and is dying inside... she did say that she will try to forget us so it will be 'easier'. I think that is just her pain talking... I hope!
Take care!
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Guest
Sounds like you're getting the last minute crazies over moving. From your previous posts it sounds like you would be much happier in Calif. and I'm sure once you are here and start work you will be glad you did what you did. I buy all my produce at the farmers market here now because I'm afraid to buy it anywhere else due to the salmonella, e-coli, listeria, etc etc. so I've become pretty much an organic vegetarian due to anxiety over eating commercial stuff! lol Well, see having anxiety can cause some good things to happen! Ha. If you have a panic attack in the desert just stop the car and get out and walk around and look at the cactus. You won't be alone on the trip. You're getting way ahead of yourself on the what if's. Take one thing at a time - if you get too far ahead you'll make yourself crazy with all of the what if this and what if that. You'll find a place to live in Calif. and if the house in Ohio doesn't sell right now you can always rent it out. Good luck and well wishes.
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Guest
Hi again Ocean. I think mom is saying things out of desperation to keep you close, not to hurt you. And sometimes that generation is just stubborn. Oh, maybe that's were we get it from. Ha! Ha! But you have nothing but good things to say about where you are moving to, so it sounds like you'll be happy there. If everybody is as nice as you found before, you should have no trouble making new friends and finding support there too. And remember, if you moved once, you can move again. Whatever is best for you and your family. I hope you find peace & happiness in your new home. And I hope your mom will see you happy and be happy FOR you. Praying for you both.
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Guest
Mary,
Thanks for your encouragement! You are right, I am getting way ahead of myself. If I have a panic attack, I will be OK. This afternoon, we had our 'going away' party and I did cry and I felt very anxious, but later I was OK. My mom told me how much she loved me and how happy she was when I was born. She said that I was her little princess and she will be so sad not to see me. I did tell her again that we could buy a home with an inlaw unit in a few years and she and my dad could live there free. Maybe they would, that would be perfect, she's one of my best friends!
All of our neighbors have told us how much they will miss us, our closest one said she knows she will cry when we go and they are almost old enough to be my grandparents. Our neighbors are fantastic, now the tears are welling up...
I hear ya on the produce scares, it seems like every week there is another one. My husband's cousin who was actually the midwife for our youngest child (we had her at home) moved to the bay area one month ago and I really really like her, so I will have some family there. She is so excited for us to come, it makes it easier. It's so hard to leave this house because we completely remodeled it for the past 2 years. We didn't vacation or do anything really, we kept saying, 'once the house gets done, we'll have fun' and it looks beautiful! We've already had interest in it, and our realtor just came 2 days ago. It's our first house too and large, in the bay area, we will be renting a small 4 bed, 1400 sq foot home for more than twice our mortgage here! But you are right, I think I will love it again once we get back, and if it is really awful, we can always come back, our lease there is a month to month. But I hope we will just adore being there, especially in the winter when ohio is 15 degrees and snowing, brrrrrr....
Lynskie,
Thanks so much! Yes, my mom IS acting out because she loves me, we were both bawling all over each other today. I guess I'm just feeling really unsure. We have a beautiful house here and family and it is just FAMILIAR here, you know? Everything is about to change, our kids' schools will change and I'm afraid that they won't like their school or won't make friends, ect... I'm a country girl myself, grew up doing 4-H and playing in hay mows, running in the woods, splashing in the creek, feeling as free as the wind. I guess I am mourning that our kids won't have that same opportunity. The yard is very small, lots of stores, buildings, ect. I always dreamed of having horses and about 15 acres of rolling hills. I had a goat when I was in Jr High for 4-H and she still has a piece of my heart even though she has passed. I wanted to get a few goats and dogs and cats. I guess letting go of these dreams that are so embedded in my heart is difficult to say the least. In CA, I know it is about 3-4 times more expensive, but I know that we LOVED it before, main reason we left was because the cost of housing.
I'll let you know how it turns out, my husband is getting super excited lately and I'm trying to join in the enthusiasm.
thanks again!
Ocean
Thanks for your encouragement! You are right, I am getting way ahead of myself. If I have a panic attack, I will be OK. This afternoon, we had our 'going away' party and I did cry and I felt very anxious, but later I was OK. My mom told me how much she loved me and how happy she was when I was born. She said that I was her little princess and she will be so sad not to see me. I did tell her again that we could buy a home with an inlaw unit in a few years and she and my dad could live there free. Maybe they would, that would be perfect, she's one of my best friends!
All of our neighbors have told us how much they will miss us, our closest one said she knows she will cry when we go and they are almost old enough to be my grandparents. Our neighbors are fantastic, now the tears are welling up...
I hear ya on the produce scares, it seems like every week there is another one. My husband's cousin who was actually the midwife for our youngest child (we had her at home) moved to the bay area one month ago and I really really like her, so I will have some family there. She is so excited for us to come, it makes it easier. It's so hard to leave this house because we completely remodeled it for the past 2 years. We didn't vacation or do anything really, we kept saying, 'once the house gets done, we'll have fun' and it looks beautiful! We've already had interest in it, and our realtor just came 2 days ago. It's our first house too and large, in the bay area, we will be renting a small 4 bed, 1400 sq foot home for more than twice our mortgage here! But you are right, I think I will love it again once we get back, and if it is really awful, we can always come back, our lease there is a month to month. But I hope we will just adore being there, especially in the winter when ohio is 15 degrees and snowing, brrrrrr....
Lynskie,
Thanks so much! Yes, my mom IS acting out because she loves me, we were both bawling all over each other today. I guess I'm just feeling really unsure. We have a beautiful house here and family and it is just FAMILIAR here, you know? Everything is about to change, our kids' schools will change and I'm afraid that they won't like their school or won't make friends, ect... I'm a country girl myself, grew up doing 4-H and playing in hay mows, running in the woods, splashing in the creek, feeling as free as the wind. I guess I am mourning that our kids won't have that same opportunity. The yard is very small, lots of stores, buildings, ect. I always dreamed of having horses and about 15 acres of rolling hills. I had a goat when I was in Jr High for 4-H and she still has a piece of my heart even though she has passed. I wanted to get a few goats and dogs and cats. I guess letting go of these dreams that are so embedded in my heart is difficult to say the least. In CA, I know it is about 3-4 times more expensive, but I know that we LOVED it before, main reason we left was because the cost of housing.
I'll let you know how it turns out, my husband is getting super excited lately and I'm trying to join in the enthusiasm.
thanks again!
Ocean
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Guest
Hi Ocean, I was reading your posts about your move. I read the latest one and I just wanted to say that I hope you're not moving because you feel your anxiety will go away. You have to take yourself with you no matter where you live. It sounds like except for the weather, you really love where you are right now. Sounds like your family is closeknit and you love your house and your neighbors. I certainly wish you the best of luck in CA and of course, like you said if it doesn't work you can relocate back to Ohio if you decide you want to.
I'm not trying to put a damper on your choice to move, but I was very touched when you described how much you enjoyed growing up in Ohio and all the things you were involved with that your children won't experience in CA.
Just keep an open mind and remember that you can always choose to return at any time if you feel that you miss your family and friends.
Best of Luck.
I'm not trying to put a damper on your choice to move, but I was very touched when you described how much you enjoyed growing up in Ohio and all the things you were involved with that your children won't experience in CA.
Just keep an open mind and remember that you can always choose to return at any time if you feel that you miss your family and friends.
Best of Luck.