New? Starting over again

sml · Post by **sml** » Thu Jan 08, 2009 1:39 pm

I would like to introduce myself again. I am forty something and I have been having anxiety attacks and suffering from agoraphobia for some 30 years now. I am venting so be prepared. I started the program before and got through week 12. It did nothing for me. Did I devote enough time? I think so. Could I have done more? Sure, you can always do more. Do I think that the program will work for me the 2nd time around? No. Am I feeling sorry for myself? Most definately. But of course I am going to try again. I started week one again this week. I am angry. I am furious. Why me? I know this sounds awful but I bet I'm not alone when I say that I would rather have a terrible physical illness than this. I have low self esteem, sure, but that is because I have this condition or whatever you want to call it. I also use food for comfort so I am overweight. How can you love yourself when every single day is a struggle? When all you can think about is when am I going to be free? When will I be normal? Maybe never. Maybe I will die scared and alone. Maybe I will never know what it is like to actually live rather than to just exist. I look at all the "normal" people and it makes me so sad. I envy them. I have devoted half of my lifetime to panic...how very sad. I want to be anyone else but me. I did everything the program told me to do. I cut out all caffeine. I cut out all sugars except natural sugars, i.e. fruit. I ate healthy and I exercised, I didn't feel any better and by the way, I didn't lose any weight either. I sit alone and cry. I am a functioning agoraphobic, which means that I do go to work everyday but I can not get a good job because it has to be very close to home. I go out with friends, but it has to be very close to home and even then I am extremely uncomfortable. I do not go to the malls, I do all my shopping online. I don't even know how to have fun anymore. This is a new year and I am dedicating myself again to change. But I am not hopeful. Thanks for letting me vent.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jan 08, 2009 1:44 pm

Sml welcome back to the program. Here is to a New Year and a new you. Hang in there. This forum is a great place to ask quetions and get advice and perspective.

Wishing you much suceess with your recovery. You've taken the first step and thta's usually the hardest.
Take care and God Bless

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jan 08, 2009 2:18 pm

sml yes welcome back....I bought the progam years ago and gave it away....I to am back. Sometimes I have found myself on my knees on the floor...I give myself so much time to vent then I might write in a thankful for journal....some days I am just thankful for the sun or waking up....and though I am not happy all here have some big issues to work though I am greatful for all who encourage me this is a great place to find some very helpful people. Good luck...

Mimigirl · Post by **Mimigirl** » Thu Jan 08, 2009 2:27 pm

I have suffered from depression for many years and believed I was over it when I met my present husband. However,he left this thanksgiving. I need this time to look at me I have alsways been concern with what they want and not much regard for what I needed. I started reading stories instead of just non-fiction, relaxing and enjoying myself. I took just 15 mins. and looked at 10 gift catologs. Something I was always going to do but never thought I had time, fun. Lucinda program is helpful becauce she give tools that work and describes traits to work on. Good Luck Jani

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Jan 12, 2009 12:33 pm

Hi sml-

It is hard when you feel you are doing all you can and don't see results. A lady I met on this site told me about a book that presents the same information (basically) in a different way. I like to read the book because of this author's clear way of writing. It makes me look at things differently, and encourages me to stick with it and try. It is a book I got at the bookstore, called "Freedom from Fear" by Dr. Howard Leibgold.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Jan 13, 2009 7:08 am

Hi sml,

I am sorry you are feeling so bad. Have you considered working with a CBT therapist? You might also want to read some of the self-help books dealing with anxiety. Some I would recommend include "Panic Attacks Workbook" by David Carbonell, "When Panic Attacks" by David D. Burns, and "Been There, Done That? Do This" by Sam Obitz. Also the Claire Weekes books are great. I find I learn something new and useful in each book I read.

Good luck and God bless!

Karen

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Jan 13, 2009 10:27 am

sml,

Try not to be discouraged. I know it's not easy especially after all you've been through. But I really want to encourage you to look at 2009 as a new year with NEW hope and possibilities.

There is a FREE Cognitive-Behavioral program called "Recovery Inc." They meet weekly to read from a book called "Mental Health Through Will Training" by Abraham Low. They learn at the meetings how to spot negative thoughts, how to replace with positive thoughts and they learn by repetition. This may be the very thing you need in order to master those skills.
You can learn more about Recovery Inc. by visiting
<A HREF="http://www.recovery-inc.org" TARGET=_blank>RECOVERY INC.</A> click on "group meetings" and you should be able to find a meeting near you.

Hang in there! We are all here to encourage and support you!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Jan 14, 2009 9:47 am

sml,

I'm in the second week of the program and so far so good. I have a CBT Therapist and my Doctor working with me. I'm trying to attack this from three different angles but all on a united front. I read your blog and I had to comment. I'm a newbie to this program but I'm determine not to let this control my life!!

SML Being in the program for 12 weeks is an accomplishment by itself!!!!!!!! Congrats

What is normal? Everyone goes through something and experience different things. Our life experiences makes us stronger. I use to think this person doesnt have any problems or I would like to trade places with them. But once I start to really pay attention to thier life I found out everyone has issues. Trust me, I wouldnt want to trade places with them.

I know you'll have sucess and find that inner peace the second time around. Keep positive!!