I was ignored as a child so...

[Jade Marie]

Okay...I need to vent out here in cyber space because I don't have anyone I can tell (other than my journal) how I feel...so I feel if I write on here, someone will read this and it just makes me feel like I am not so alone. I am struggling in my life with issues that are surfacing and resurfacing about my childhood that affect every area of my life. I have really been searching the core of myself to try and resolve these issues that haunt me so much. The loss of the bliss of my childhood, my loss of innocence, because I was left to fend for myself as a child. I wasn't shown unconditional love, acceptance or encouragement from my Mom, and I just felt like a burden to her. My attempts to show my Mom affection and that I love her were ignored....so I eventually just kind of gave up. I wasn't allowed to express emotion as a child, so I just sat there stone faced when I just wanted to scream and be sad and angry. I have never been good enough or worthy enough in my Mom's eyes, so I am left today as a 35 year old woman feeling so broken and full of such insurmountable despair and sadness that just permeates into every area of my life. I am also dealing the death of my Dad who I also had a estranged relationship with because he was an alcoholic. My Mom and Dad got a divorce when I was a baby and he was never around at all because he was struggling with his disease...so I felt ignored by him too.

I just broke up with my children's father recently and I think stress from the break-up is causing these feelings to resurface again. It takes everything out of me to get out of bed each day because I am chronically exhausted. I feel like I am failing as a Mom to give my children the unconditional love and support that they need because I just don't have enough of it in me. I love my children more than anything in the world and they keep me grounded enough to keep me from being consumed by this. I try every waking moment of my day to be a good Mom, but I am struggling with all the previously mentioned stuff and I am afraid that I am going to make a mess of their lives. I am angry at myself, and I don’t know why I do this.

[Guest]

Originally posted by Jade Marie:
I have never been good enough or worthy enough in my Mom's eyes, so I am left today as a 35 year old woman feeling so broken and full of such insurmountable despair and sadness that just permeates into every area of my life.

Dear Jade Marie,

I want to let you know that you're not alone at all. I pointed out your statement because that's exactly how I feel, except it's with my dad (not my mom). He left me feeling so unloved, so imperfect, that I eventually cracked. It was like I went crazy by over-achieving and he didn't even bat an eyelash. I tried SO HARD...until complete exhaustion set in, and I felt I was left without a void in my heard so deep, so dark, that I would N E V E R let anyone in.

Now I'm working on this program and seeing a counselor (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, actually). It's taken a lot of time for me to open up to him, but talking to him and journaling have really begun to help me overcome the issues from my childhood that I've felt have left me "stuck in teenager" mode; I feel as thought I haven't completely "grown up" yet mentally/emotionally.

...but I know I'm getting there. And I believe you will overcome your issues, too.

Originally posted by Jade Marie:

I feel like I am failing as a Mom to give my children the unconditional love and support that they need because I just don't have enough of it in me. I love my children more than anything in the world and they keep me grounded enough to keep me from being consumed by this. I try every waking moment of my day to be a good Mom, but I am struggling with all the previously mentioned stuff and I am afraid that I am going to make a mess of their lives. I am angry at myself, and I don’t know why I do this.

You're angry because deep inside you know you're a good mom. That you want to protect them from how you're feeling, or even from seeing how you're feeling. Use this motivation to come out of your shell and embrace what happened in your past with your parents. It can be the motivation you need in order to learn from their mistakes and take the steps you feel in your heart you need to do in order to be the wonderful mother that you know you are even though you feel you're drowning in your past.

The past is, well, gone. It's a battle you can win. The journey takes a long time, but it's worth it.

At times I feel I am sinking, like I can't touch the bottom of the Ocean of Dispair I am floating in, but I leap up, or find another way to get myself out of this metaphor I am attempting to explain. My greatest strength has been perserverance. (It's all around this forum.) I know my journey isn't over, but...

It's not the destination, it's the knowledge you gain during the journey.

xoxo

[Guest]

I hade a lot of family issues growing up and never being good enough and that no one would ever want to be with someone like me is something that my father reminded me every day of my life... And still likes too! The other day my car got hit in the parking lot and the person took off, as i was talking to my mom on the phone about it my dad overheard the conversation and of course his first response "well that's your fault you shouldn't have been parked there then huh" I know how hard this can be exspecially if you have other siblings that could never do any wrong. If my brother and my dad got into a fight my brother would go into his room shut the door and that was the end of that; if I trided that my door got kicked in and i got pulled out by my hair.. It has taking everything I've got to learn to forgive my father b/c i know that's also how he was raised and all though we do not talk to often it took him untill I was 23 to acually say "I love you" to me! The thing is that i actually find courage in your sad story b/c more than anything I want to have kids and a family giving them what i never had and breaking the cycle that has been passed down in my family, but the fear of failing is always on my mind... You are a very stronge women and deserve so much more credit then you give yourself!! You broke that cycle with your kids!! I wish I had more words of advice but stay stronge, keep charishing your kids, and don't let your pass as hard as it is control your future!! (I know it's so much easier to say then to do!!) I wish you the best!!

[Guest]

Dear Jade
Today is day 1 of session 4. While I was watching the audio I became very angry. I know this anger was a result of my childhood issues surfacing. I often feel as though I was robbed of my youth and innocence. I am the oldest of 3 siblings born 2 my mom who was a singleparent.I have always wanted my mothers approval and alot of times she didnt give it 2 me. I often think she didnt know any better.Jade u must believe in yourself, let go of the past.You are worthy of love peace and happiness.You will get there be patient. AS I'M TYPING I'M PRAYING FOR THE BOTH OF US!!!!!!!!!!

[Guest]

Hello,

I am having a much better day today. I spent the day outside with the kids enjoying the beautiful weather. I just had a bad night last night. I was feeling overwhelmed and depressed about my break-up and my life. Usually with me, some episode triggers the "stuff" to come to the surface and it just spirals into me feeling hopeless, overwhelmed and depressed.

I want to thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. Wow...your comments are just amazing and so heart felt. I am amazed and inspired by the courage and strength I see in all of you, and the beauty in your words. Not to sound corny, but I feel connected to all of you because we are all suffering and trying to get better. You are like an extended family. I am grateful to have you in my life.

Oh...Emmatophobia...I am going to get the book. Thanks for the suggestion!

Thanks again!