Scared and confused about my hubby

Faith_TX · Post by **Faith_TX** » Wed Oct 08, 2008 5:57 am

I really think this must be anxiety related, and I'm just not sure how to fix it.

I have had fears this last few months about what my feelings are for my DH. I know I love him. . .but it's hard for me to trust him. Not that he's cheating on me or anything. . .it's more that I have a hard time relaxing in our relationship because just when things start going well, we have a blow-up about something and my dreams of having a good marriage get shattered.

I find myself . . . when we have a few days of things going really well. . . and our romantic part of our marriage starts getting better. . . that I find myself pulling away and sort of "hiding out" on the computer more. That of course puts up a wall and sometimes upsets him.

He can sense it, I'm sure.

He's been really sweet the past week or two, but I know that something will happen and we'll disagree and we both go to our corners and get stubborn. . . and it feels just awful. When we're not getting along, he is very cold and sometimes sort of plays head games, which really is hard on me. He will say nothing is wrong but he's very burly and crabby and uses this hateful tone of voice. The words are not cruel, but I don't feel the warmth there. Of course at these times I'm doing the same thing!

I don't believe this is something we would ever be able to divorce over, due to my beliefs. But, I spoil our joy by retreating like that. Even with our love life, if it starts to get too frequent, I get sort of scared off.

I don't know how to explain it.

Maybe I'm so used to there being problems I don't believe it when things are going well.

Any suggestions?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Oct 08, 2008 6:20 am

I should also add. . . that when we were dating, I tried to break it off with him. The reason was things were going "too well" and I was scared. I didn't believe it. I'd been burned in the past.

Recently my hubby said that he felt like I didn't WANT things to get better.

I had gotten so upset with him and built up the problems so much in my head that I felt like I had to accept living unhappy forever. Because in those moments I felt like I was "stuck" being unhappy "until death do us part."

It's just so weird because I know we could be a lot happier if I could just trust him. But I get frightened. I don't want to get my hopes up that things will be happy, then have it all go wrong again.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Oct 08, 2008 6:22 am

Faith, I can relate to alot of what you have said. I find that I am that way also. I would suggest reviewing lesson 4 on expectations/ control.

I know in my case I am sometimes self sabatoging. I really have to work on being aware of my controlling infuence. If my husband does something that I don';t agree with I tend to either battle it out hoping he will see things my way or I retreat and avoid because he refuses to see things my way.

I have learned that I need to let my husband be who he is, that's one of the reasons I fell in love with him. When I feel out of sorts I try to ask myself are my expectations out of line. I cannot make him think like me nor can he expect me to think like him.

As my coach once said don't take everything so personally and don't make something more than what it is.

I thought I'd offer my two cents. You may agree or it may be a load of do-do.

Take care and God Bless.

stacylyn · Post by **stacylyn** » Wed Oct 08, 2008 7:10 am

I can definitely understand your thoughts on this one...even from a male perspective

I too have worried when things are going well (thinking it is the calm before the storm) but you know what...neither of us are living in the "precious present moment". When I feel myself pulling away I keep reminding myself if this moment is making me happy it can't be all that bad. I keep reminding myself to simply live in this moment and not worry about the next. It is actually becoming more of habit which is nice. Also, I thought a "perfect" marriage was like the "Leave it to Beaver, Brady Bunch type ha!ha!

Thing is real life doesn't work that way and that is o.k. I am learning. I do want to recommend a great resource especially in dealing with communication within a marriage. <A HREF="http://www.marriagetoday.org/site/PageServer" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagetoday.org/site/PageServer</A>

Hope this helps and take care.

Faith_TX · Post by **Faith_TX** » Wed Oct 08, 2008 7:12 am

Thanks y'all. I'm glad I'm not alone. Sometimes I get myself all jumbled up inside my head and don't know what is real and what is just the anxiety trying to freak me out.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Oct 08, 2008 7:14 am

Hi been there. I've been married now for 18 years my husband and I have been together a total of 24 years. We have had alot of ups and downs over the years marriage is always a work in progress. Man and Women are diffrent, and yet not so diffrent, we both want to be treated with respect love honesty and fairness. I find that when things are going well in my marriage that my fear of dying and not being able to be with him scares my to the point that I put up walls between us I become detached emotionally and physically so I wont feel so hurt, or scared about dying, so I have less panic.My husband and I have had 3 years of marriage counsling it has helped but in the end it is up to use the women in the house to set the tone. Men are not complicated creatures they just want to feel taht their wives love them, that does not mean to let him get away with hurting you, like the program says learn to be assertive, not aggresive. It is not always easy. Life is not always happy, or the way we pictured are marriage, when you put two people into a mariage that have been raised in differant households with diffreant parents, there is going to be diffrent ways of doing and saying things your way is not always going to be right or his ways is to going to always be right you have to find what works in you household it will take time and kindness and helping each other.

Chief Crazy Horse · Post by **Chief Crazy Horse** » Wed Oct 08, 2008 7:39 am

That makes sense. We've been married 18 together 20 years ourselves.

My problem is probably a form of social phobia. . . He'll say something and I question "what did you mean by that" and in general most men are simple but sometimes he can be a bit passive-agressive.

I know that in the end we'll figure this out but I'm thinking I need to do some work on me to make it better for both of us, along with the marriage counseling we're getting.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Oct 08, 2008 8:03 am

I can relate to the withdrawal in marriage. We have only been married for 5 years but he is my very best friend. We spend most of our free time together and genuinely love to be together. The problem is we don't have much intimatacy. Before we were married we couldn't keep our hands off each other but now...its totally different. I think we act like siblings more than a couple. I try not to worry about it and see that he also has a problem with anxiety and depression but won't realize he does. I try to be patient and say things to comfort his pain. I just feel like I am losing my needs in the process. I have had the program for a year but didn't fully use it as I should have. I am starting over this week in hopes that by helping myself I can create a better enviornment and hopefully the spark will return again. I have hope. Just losing myself.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Oct 08, 2008 8:16 am

Our problem is that I've lost the feeling like he's my best friend. I find myself holding back on some stuff. . . cuz I don't know how he'll respond. And, that's not a good feeling. Most of what I hold back on is my feelings about our marriage. He gets defensive at times and it's like. . . "I'm not on trial here I'm not trying to argue. I'm trying to let you see how I feel so we can get better" but he comes up with reasons why he didn't "mean to" hurt my feelings or whatever. I don't need to hear that, I just want him to understand how I am feeling.

I always allowed myself to be moved by his opinions and feelings, and now that I'm having my own more, we feel further apart and it freaks me out.

I'm sure we'll figure it out somehow. The thing is I guess I have some depression because there's not much that makes me overly happy or excited these days. I'm not in a totally dark funk, but I'm just sort of blahhh. . . and I get "set off" easily especially with the kids, which then makes me feel awful.

Guess it's just life, and I need to look on the bright side of what I DO have.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Oct 08, 2008 8:19 am

Originally posted by Joset:
Before we were married we couldn't keep our hands off each other but now...its totally different.

Same here. . .and that was increasing after we went to the conference together. . . but for some reason it spooked me. I think it probably reminded me of the time when we were dating and we were doing drugs and drinking a lot. We still have wine at times but we don't drink much and we never do drugs. The more we get intimate, the more often he wants to do it and the more I feel like he wants to be "creative" and it gets overwhelming for me. Does that make sense? I feel awful about it. I want to just be free with him again.