Relationship fears, doubts etc.

Maeggie · Post by **Maeggie** » Thu Jan 10, 2008 1:06 am

Hi everyone,

Karl posted this question amongst another thread and I also am wondering about the same thing therefore i made it into a new thread. Here goes:

So I leave with a question to Dodger and others:
Do you ever find yourself looking at our life/partner/kids and think that you could be happier elsewhere or you're falling out of love or you want to get out? Even for a split second? If not, well I think that is great and I am happy for you, but if you do (or for a moment suppose you do), what would you tell yourself at such a moment? Is it just a negative thought? Or is it the "real you" trying to break free? How would you handle such a situation? I, for example, can make decisions very well if they are analytical in nature or are "no big deal", but this seems to be neither, and is very difficult for me.

we both sure appreciate all of your thoughts and feelings!

Great Question.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jan 10, 2008 7:16 am

Oh, what a profound question! I don't log on as much as I would like so didn't see the original post of this.

Whether we have Anxiety or Depression or anything else, I think everyone has the occasional flash of a doubt. It's human nature to sometimes think that what we have isn't what we want. It's how you respond to the thought that counts, in my opinion.

I've had A&D for the majority of my life but it hit really hard when I was going through the separation from my first husband. It made me wonder if I was leaving him because of the condition or if it was right to leave. In the end, I realized that it was the right decision to leave and I moved on and have since remarried.

Now, with my new (and wonderful!) husband - yes, I sometimes think 'what have I done?!'

and feel like I'm not in the right place. Then, I take a moment, and think about all the things I love about him, how he understands me and the simple things like how he calls our dog and cat 'baby' and cuddles them when he comes home from work. Recalling the little things brings about a reminder of the big things and I know that even though I have doubts, they are just that - doubts. They aren't a real reflection of our love or our relationship and I dismiss them knowing that.

Very different from how I felt when I was with my first husband. It took me some therapy with a good therapist to help me see the difference, but I see it now and life is wonderful!

When one of those little 'doubts' pops up, I laugh at it and think 'yup - that's a doubt, it will pass because it's not true'.

Who knows if my way is a good way of dealing with it or not - it's just my way and it works for me and keeps me in a happy, loving relationship where I KNOW I'm meant to be!

Ronda

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:04 am

Hi there:
This is crazy thinking, but I'm wondering if any one out there has ever experienced being afraid of someone so wonderful. Sounds confusing, but let me explain...

For the most part, I could never understand why, when I become close to someone, they run away and then I'm dissapointed. Then, when someone wants to get close to me, treats me like a princess (all the ways any woman wishes to be treated) I then run away and get nervous.

I've currently been blessed with a man that absolutley adores me. Thinks the world of me, respects me and truly thinks that I am special. He truly treats me the way I've always wanted to be treated...so why do I feel so apprehensive toward this relationship. I love the way I feel when I'm around him, then I start feeling boxed in and want to run away - like my freedom will be taken from me. Quite honestly, I don't even know if it is that. I'm not real sure why I am doing this. It doesn't make sense? Want to run away from something that is pure and honest and good. A man who actually wants to make me #1 and I have to get away (either for a moment or I think, "do I really want to be in this relationship). It's crazy!

Its not a matter of me not feeling like I deserve it. I know this because being treated any other way turns me off from someone and I break up with them. Then, I do receive it and it scares me. Scares me that he'll leave when I get those times that I break down or experience my seasonal depression. I'm not sure what it is to tell you the truth. Perhaps it's an abandonment issue that I'm afraid something that good will go away, or the hammer will drop. It's actually a very confusing topic that I wish I could sift through and get to the crux of this feeling.

Nobody has treated me this well in such a long time. It's been so long that someone treated me as lovely as he does, now that I have it, it scares the crap out of me.

Does this make sense? Why am I not excited about someone I've been wishing for all of my life?

EddyJ · Post by **EddyJ** » Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:25 am

I to have the same problem. I have been with the most woderful guys and set up with the most woderful guys but I always turn them down or never call them back. I went thru a 5 year divorce and the was diagnosed with ms and have a hard time walking. I feel if I cant give a relationship my all I dont deserve one. The dr. says the leisons have gone away and he cant explain it. I do have two wonderful boys and they are so important to me, that maybe I sabatoge a relationship so that it wont get in the way of my two boys. I dont know. I do know I dont want a bad relationship. Maybe that is holding me back to.

Gman5256 · Post by **Gman5256** » Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:31 am

Irene and EvieGirl:

I will write longer responses soon- Im at work but do either of you have reasons for abandonment issues?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:41 am

I think a lot of us have felt this way, but I know a part of it for me sorta went along with lesson 10 and the obsessive thinking. I wasn't dealing with an issue I needed to think about (for example, a large bill that needed paying or hosting a Christmas function) and instead of dealing with what was bothering me about those things, I began to think about the "greener grass on the other side of the fence". As soon as I dealt with those other fears and anxieties, those feelings of doubt of went away.

Just from your post, EvieGirl, it sounds a little like you are not dealing with how your beloved might respond to your anxiety so rather than be pushed away by him, you want to do the pushing. Have you talked to him about your anxiety? If he's in it for all of you, he'll stick around. Of course that only comes with experience, but if you lay yourself open to who you are even in not good times then you are doing him and yourself a favor.

So many times I have thanked my husband for sticking with me. He just smiles and says I'm worth it and I've grown on him. That's when I think "how could I ever even want a bit of that unestablished rye grass on the other side of the fence?" Rye grass that's new is a beautiful green but it pulls up easy. I'll stick to the grass with roots!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jan 10, 2008 11:04 am

Originally posted by Maeggie:
Irene and EvieGirl:

I will write longer responses soon- Im at work but do either of you have reasons for abandonment issues?

Actually, I think I do which stems from a Sans Father issue who just decided to walk away some time ago. He's been in and out of my life (back in it now) and I find, whenever I get close to him, he tends to back off. I know he wants to have a relationship with me, but I think it scares him considering he's never been around in my life much and I think forgets that he's a father and I'm a daughter, not just another woman that he knows. Amazingly enough, he has no problem clinging to women in relationships, but runs away from me.

I always wondered if that was the reason why I'm so afraid to get close to someone - will they judge, will they get sick of me when I'm not being the "fun" kinda gal I can be and I'm going through my depression stages periodically.

I have no problem kicking a man to the curb if he doesn't treat me the way I want to be treated. Then I find one that does and historically found reasons to sabotage it.

so odd, isn't it?

samcat · Post by **samcat** » Thu Jan 10, 2008 11:12 am

Originally posted by farmchick:
I think a lot of us have felt this way, but I know a part of it for me sorta went along with lesson 10 and the obsessive thinking. I wasn't dealing with an issue I needed to think about (for example, a large bill that needed paying or hosting a Christmas function) and instead of dealing with what was bothering me about those things, I began to think about the "greener grass on the other side of the fence". As soon as I dealt with those other fears and anxieties, those feelings of doubt of went away.

Just from your post, EvieGirl, it sounds a little like you are not dealing with how your beloved might respond to your anxiety so rather than be pushed away by him, you want to do the pushing. Have you talked to him about your anxiety? If he's in it for all of you, he'll stick around. Of course that only comes with experience, but if you lay yourself open to who you are even in not good times then you are doing him and yourself a favor.

So many times I have thanked my husband for sticking with me. He just smiles and says I'm worth it and I've grown on him. That's when I think "how could I ever even want a bit of that unestablished rye grass on the other side of the fence?" Rye grass that's new is a beautiful green but it pulls up easy. I'll stick to the grass with roots!

Hi Farm Chick:
Thanks for your insight. I haven't gotten to Lesson 10 yet, but I think that one sounds like it will hit home with me...A LOT!

To tell you the truth, regarding your comment about not dealing with how my beloved (how cute) might respond...I landed a little bit of it in doses. I figured, I like this man a lot and might as well let him know in pieces about what I deal with (seasonal depression) and that I can't always be the entertainment committee, but I haven't shown him any emotion because we haven't been dating for very long.

There have been times when I've just wanted to burst into tears but held it back for fear he'd think I was weak, or "drama girl" which seems like every woman in California is deemed if there is any slight sign of emotion whatsoever, so it's scared me to 1) show emotion at this stage of the relationship and 2)totally admit everything at this stage of the game.

Weird thing is, he doesn't strike me as someone that would judge me yet I feel afraid to divulge any weak signs of emotion. I'm using historical accounts of fear and projecting it on him. I don't think he's like that, yet I'm not sure, so I don't want to go crybaby on him when I get a surge of anxiety.

When I'm with him for any length of time, I want to get away for a bit. The moment I leave, I miss him. Go figure. He is a really kind, sensitive, very affectionate kind of person who'd do anything for me. I truly believe that he is genuine with these emotions toward me and it's not just the newness of a relationship. Both of us are people that are genuine from day one.

So why the fear?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jan 10, 2008 11:34 am

I will reply to this after i get through with dinner. have been there and have gone above it..talk to you later GOD BLESS
DON

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jan 10, 2008 12:47 pm

I have yet to read the other posts, just got home from work. However, I have felt exactly what you are feeling. Sometimes it's warranted, and unhealthy relationship of some sort (the mind sees what the heart cannot-or something like that). Sometimes it's really just negative thinking. I have learned that patience and honesty are key. Never rush to a rash decision, pending personal injury of course most decisions can wait for finalization. Always try to pin down where your thoughts are coming and try to understand what it is you are truly looking for. Sometimes the reasons for unhappiness are material in nature, and the grass truly isn't greener on the other side. In my case I was with someone for a little over five years, from age 18 until just a few months ago (im 24 now), I was rash in my decision to leave because we really weren't communicating about the things that were really upsetting us. After taking the time to analyze our environment, our family situation, our personal circumstances, and our recurring fears (negative thoughts), we both realized we hadn't fallen out of love but had simply tried to internalize negative energy from stuff around us. So that was another rant quite possibly, but my suggestion (not knowing your circumstances in great depth) is to take it slow, assuming you're not in immediate danger, and be painfully honest with yourself and your partner. I think the best feeling is to be able to go from where you are at right now and yet re-create, or find, that original overwhelming sense of love you once had for your partner. If possible, it's certainly worth it.