"Even this darkness has purpose"

[t00faRg0nE]

I am fairly new here and want to share a little bit about what brought me here. I won't be offended if no one cares to read or comment.

I have had anxiety from as far back as I can remember. I recall being at the movies when I was around six and getting extremely panicky when the lights went out, and feeling claustrophobic. I used to be terribly scared of death and the permanency of it (as I think most people probably are). Those are the only times as a child I remember feeling anxious.

My mom passed away last year, and as she lay in our house under hospice care I had what I believe to have been my first (and probably only) full blown panic attack. I remember talking with my dad telling him that I could not breathe and everything was just too much for me to handle.

I mean thinking back one day my mom and I were laughing and joking and the next it was like all of a sudden she was in a coma, non-responsive, her complexion turned yellow. The days of her wake and funeral were like a roller coaster and I honestly don't know how I got through it...or even how I am getting through it now. I miss her so much and would give anything I could to have just one more day with her - or even to just see her smile one last time. It helps to write; I have had a hard time expressing my feelings after she died.

On top of that, my boyfriend whom I absolutely love and adore left for rehab a few months ago and will be there for still quite a while longer. While I am so proud of him for getting the help that he undoubtedly needs, I feel so lonely here without him or my mom. It makes me feel selfish to wish that they were here sometimes. And that's where the anxiety comes in. I get so overwhelmed thinking about what's going to happen in the future, and I feel so abandoned - like I am going through this all by myself (even though I have so many wonderful friends and family members that would do anything for me). Talking to people has never been an easy thing for me to do. I find myself just stuffing it down further which is probably actually just making me more of an anxious wreck.

I wrote way more than I had expected but it definitely feels better to have been able to get that out there.

[Ms. Hopeful]

Hi, I lost my mom 7 years ago and I still miss her greatly.

You have been through some great losses and changes and it is normal to feel more anxious or stress during and after those times.

I am glad to hear you have a good support system around you. That will help greatly!!

I hope you will be able to find support here too. God bless.