Is it me or him!?

Faith_TX · Post by **Faith_TX** » Wed Sep 10, 2008 3:28 am

I'm feeling confused today. My hubby and I have not been getting along. We had been doing so well and then some old stuff came back up and we've been picking at each other again.

He plays little head games with me. Like, instead of saying I'm spending too much time on the computer and that he misses me, he'll go onto the filter and block out a web site and when I can't get to it I ask him what's going on and he'll laugh and say he's playing around. he'll then fix the filter.

So, then I'm asking "so do you not want me playing that game (it was on Facebook)?" And he'll say. . ."no, I'm just joking around, why do you take things so seriously?"

So, I get PO'd because I feel like he's playing head games, and then spend even MORE time on the computer. . .cuz I'm not in the mood to talk to him.

There are tons of other examples of this.

We got into a disagreement about my cell phone of all things this weekend. I got a new one. . . and then I was showing it off to a friend and he interrupts me and says "yeah well I would have got an iPhone if it was me."

So then out in the parking lot after leaving I'm asking him what that was about what he meant and again he's saying "I was just playing around why do you get so upset?"

OK. . .so, I didn't talk to him for the rest of the day and hardly all week actually. All these years I have thought that I'm "crazy" and that I'm blowing things out of proportion and being neurotic. I'm realizing that he's really doing a lot of mind games with me. And I'm pretty upset about it. I don't like the thought of spending the rest of my life with someone that is so mean.

Then this morning I thought. . ."well, if I hadn't spent so much time on the computer that day, none of this would have happened. I should have known it would upset him and got off." He gets very jealous if I'm spending too much time online or on the phone.

So. . . is this me or is it him? I mean we both have our part of the problem but I'm just thinking. . . does he have a right to do these things in response to me neglecting him?

One week he was playing a computer game too much. After the 3rd day I went in and said. "Hey, get off the computer and come hang out with me." He smiled, turned it off, and we hung out and watched a movie. Straight forward, no games. Why can't he just do that?

One other time I forgot to put up the peanut butter. he put it on the floor in front of the washing machine. I know I should have put it away but again. . .why the games?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Sep 10, 2008 3:55 am

Faith_TX, I completely understand what you're saying! I am married to that same "person"--unfortunately that's not so much advice but i just wanted to chime in & give you my support! i've tried having a major talk w/ my husband about similar things but i deal w/ it for sooo long 1st-let it go 4 sooo long-then FINALLY maybe every 3-5 months we'll have a big old heart2heart and things will be good for a week or 2 and then the cycle begins again. in my case i KNOW that AS SOON as something is said or done i need to talk about it instead of waiting and letting it build. maybe that would be something you too can try(i know..easier said than done!)but that's what we do,right? we procrastinate, we avoid confrontation.... my thought is I bought this program and am working through the steps to help ME which will in turn help my interactions w/ others which in turn will help to work "things" out. as far as our husbands are concerned(or mine for that matter) he has his OWN issues- whether it be jealousy,boredom,insecurities,etc.----hopefully our example of "self-help" will be contagious!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Sep 10, 2008 4:10 am

I am beginning to think husbands go to school for this. My husband is an aggravater, stunt puller, etc. too. Like the other day the trash can in the bathroom needed to be emptied, instead of just emptying it, he started throwing the rest of the trash on the floor. I always thought men were supposed to be the straightforward ones and we were the ones who beat around the bush?!?!? It is hurtful. I never get called out for the things I do do or when I do something nice or if I get dressed up for him, instead, I get smart comments or yelled out for what I do wrong. It really makes me feel useless at times. He too says he's just kidding and I should know that and throws it back on me. He knows how sensitive I am, so why do that? We have other issues from the past, which we have been dealing with, but when he acts like this and other ways that make me suspicious, I wonder if its really all worth it.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Sep 10, 2008 4:13 am

Yeah well unfortunately the stronger I get and more stable with my moods, etc. . .the more flaws I see in him and the more I realize that he is using my insecurities to control me.

And, I feel like if I just go along with him and give in and agree and smile sweetly, he is fine but as soon as I try to find my own legs to stand on the more he tries to push me off-kilter.

It's very confusing. I'm going back to my counselor today and see what he thinks.

deedee00 · Post by **deedee00** » Wed Sep 10, 2008 4:16 am

Great points about communicating..just what I have been talking to my hubby about. I too let things build up and then just blow. My husband is not good at communicating AT ALL and he knows that so we are working on it but it's not going very well most days. He was never allowed to speak up about anything when he was growing up so I understand why he doesn't talk about important issues. It's a work of art in progress I guess. I won't give up.
If what you have been doing isn't working out then try something different...you have nothing to lose and maybe a lot to gain. Good Luck

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Sep 10, 2008 4:27 am

Hi Faith and Hawaii,
I just wanted to share my opinion, and that is all it is, is my opinion. I do hope it might help you some. I have been reading a book by Joel Osteen, Become A Better You. It has been a wonderful book. I don't know if either of you are religious, he is a preacher. But the book is so very positive on every aspect. I would highly recommend it. He talks about how we should be positive about ourselves and he talks about how we should deal with relationships too.
I know its easy sometimes to get aggrevated with our hubbys but look for the good. Find the good points that he does have and focus on them, even compliment him for them. My hubby is pretty much like a kid, I have to pick up after him all the time, but he doesn't beat me, he's a great dad, he goes to work and provides for us, he's not out at bars, he's at home with his family. There are so many positives to think on.
By all means he's not perfect, nor am I, nor will anyone else be.
Those of us with this condition, are sensitive, that is true, I'm not saying its all you, and I'm not saying its all him, maybe a litte of both. I know men seem to have a harder time communicating. Many have never been taught how to. I definitely get aggrevated at my hubby from time to time, but I do know I want peace in my home, and those little aggrevations, are just not worth fighting over in the big scheme of things. To me, life is just to short for that. Not to say you both don't have reason to be upset, I don't know your lives or the past problems you may have had, I just wanted to give you my opinion, and I wish you both the very best.
Your Friend
Angla

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Sep 10, 2008 4:33 am

Thanks. I am a Christian and I'm familiar with Joel Olsteen. He has some good points.

I know that it is good to focus on the positive. Yes my husband works (now, after not doing so for 2 years and me almost leaving him) he doesn't beat me or drink or do drugs. Those are good things.

However, emotional abuse is not much fun either.

I hope I don't offend you with this. . . I know I have TONS of flaws of my own, but I guess I'm just bitter right now in being treated poorly for 20 years. All my friends and family say he doesn't treat me right and he's passive-agressive.

I know from this post my complaints seem petty . . . it's hard to put into words. It goes so much deeper than just a video game or a cell phone.

It's about him trying to control my actions, thoughts, friends, and time. I either go along with what he thinks I should do or he starts messing with me and being mean and talking ugly and sarcastic all the time.

So, then I get stubborn and do what I want and we won't get along until I stop that and go back to what he wants me to do. And that, in my opinion, is no way to live.

However, I don't want a divorce and he will never change so it seems to me that may be my only option.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Sep 10, 2008 4:36 am

My wife complains about the same thing. Coming from a man's perspective I think we are a used to being the center of attention with our wives. Then when life gets in the way such as kids, house and other things we get jealous. As far as head games all I can say is men generally aren't that complicated, it's just jealousy. Stupid really. As far as men being straight forward and saying something that would be putting our "feelings" out there and we can't do that. Look how guys communicate with each other, it's all joking around busting on each other or picking each other apart. Women are much more advanced when it comes to talking to each other.
On the other hand I do think my wife is too serious all the time and could lighten up but maybe she is trying to make up for me joking around.

Venus and Mars right?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Sep 10, 2008 4:38 am

Thanks John. . . that really helps, actually.

I never thought of it that way.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Sep 10, 2008 4:40 am

Originally posted by John61:
Look how guys communicate with each other, it's all joking around busting on each other or picking each other apart.
Venus and Mars right?

Maybe I just need to remind him that I'm not a dude. LOL

I know what you mean I see it at my husband's softball games. If one of my girlfriends talked to me like that I'd never speak to her again. LOL