Hi guys,
I am dealing with a pretty sensitive topic (for me) at the moment. My fiance who I have been with for almost three years has been suffering from depression for quite awhile now (at least a month). Last night it hit a new low as he began to describe to me how he felt. I've dealt with having GAD and depression in the past so I can definitely sympathize but I am having one very difficult time with this.
He told me he feels numb, and feels that everything in life is pointless. He use to love playing music and now he says there is no point because he isn't any good at it. He says he doesn't know who he is, feels lousy that he works the same 9-5 job everyday and basically feels completely hopeless. All around he was very negative about everything and what really made me feel bad is when he said that he doesn't like himself. He wouldn't elaborate.
I'm hurt because he's been distant and withdrawn (which I know is the illness talking) and generally feel like suddenly I'm living in this really bad dream. I've been very happy up until lately and have been thrilled about getting married. Now I just feel like everything is so bleak.
Any advice on how to deal with this and how I can help the both of us? I'm a super sensitive person so my heart is really aching right now.
Fiance has depression and I'm falling apart
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Guest
I feel for you. He needs help and it would be great if you could get him involved in Lucinda's program or a CBT group. It's the way he is processing his thoughts that are making him feel that way and he needs to learn to think more realistically and he will feel much better. He's probably feeling really overwhelmed right now so you may want to just try and get him to read some literature on Lucinda's program or a basic CBT book that's not too complicated like the one by Sam Obitz. He needs someone like you that he trusts to help him get some help for himself right now. As long as he continues things the way he currently is the more miserable he's gonna make himself and you so you have to interrupt the cycle and replace it with more realistic thinking.
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Guest
thanks for your reply Chrissy.
The hardest part right now is that I don't know how to make him consider reading a book or going to therapy. He's so negative and down that he doesn't feel like doing anything so should I just step back for a little bit until I think he may be willing to take my suggestions?
He opened up to me a little bit yesterday and told me that he really doesn't like his identity. He doesn't identify with his job and his former hobby (being in a band) went down the drain recently so he feels like a robot doing the same thing day in day out.
The hardest part right now is that I don't know how to make him consider reading a book or going to therapy. He's so negative and down that he doesn't feel like doing anything so should I just step back for a little bit until I think he may be willing to take my suggestions?
He opened up to me a little bit yesterday and told me that he really doesn't like his identity. He doesn't identify with his job and his former hobby (being in a band) went down the drain recently so he feels like a robot doing the same thing day in day out.
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Guest
Hi Chantsy,
It sounds like the old what came first the chicken or the egg problem.
I'm not suggesting you force him but use your womanly skills to subtly push him in the direction you want him to go if you know what I mean
You know, leave some stuff lying around or read something to him that "you" found interesting and thought "you" might want to try and wondered what he thinks about it for "you" You know what I mean? Can't hurt to try right?
It sounds like the old what came first the chicken or the egg problem.
I'm not suggesting you force him but use your womanly skills to subtly push him in the direction you want him to go if you know what I mean
You know, leave some stuff lying around or read something to him that "you" found interesting and thought "you" might want to try and wondered what he thinks about it for "you" You know what I mean? Can't hurt to try right?-
Guest
you sound like you have a lot of perspective and a kind heart. i don't recognize your username, have you gone through the program yourself?
it's a really good program. and maybe it will help to him feel like he's doing something good for himself (and thus the both of ya).
i'm guessing it's hard to hear that he has struggles like this. perhaps you're questioning his ability to be strong for you as a husband. whatever the case, i wish you the best.
it's a really good program. and maybe it will help to him feel like he's doing something good for himself (and thus the both of ya).
i'm guessing it's hard to hear that he has struggles like this. perhaps you're questioning his ability to be strong for you as a husband. whatever the case, i wish you the best.
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Guest
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Guest
Chansty...
Well you know first hand what hes feeling and you say you used to suffer with GAD and depression so you KNOW what to do to make it right. He needs to start doing the positive self talk and he needs to start following the guidelines of the program.
Its hard I know it must make you wonder if it will relapse you but no you know better now what to do and what not to do. I know your enganged and not married yet but sometimes the reality of becoming married and having to provide for a wife and a potential family is VERY overwhelming to a man. Its a huge change in life and it can bring on very frightening feelings and thoughts that leave one feeling very depressed and overwhelmed.
He's reaching out to you.....by opening up and talking to you thats a huge invitation for help. He trusts you as it should be your engaged to be married and you marry through sickness and health, good and bad, rich and poor......so you will find your way.
Of course life is great when all is grand but life isnt always a bowl of cherries sometimes we bite a pit. Its not the end of the world its a chance to grow to learn and to show eachother how much we really do love eachother.
Sounds like you love him very much and he you. Remind him how much tell him often how wonderfull he is.....smile alot....tell him he looks great when he does. Its the little things that add up to the big stuff. If you have the program offer to share it with him tell him youve been where he is and you know how it can feel but you also know what to do to feel better.
Your a couple dont forget that. Youve entered into a commitiment with him so help him. Anxiety and Depression are conditions that we can reverse with the right way of thinking.
Dodger
Well you know first hand what hes feeling and you say you used to suffer with GAD and depression so you KNOW what to do to make it right. He needs to start doing the positive self talk and he needs to start following the guidelines of the program.
Its hard I know it must make you wonder if it will relapse you but no you know better now what to do and what not to do. I know your enganged and not married yet but sometimes the reality of becoming married and having to provide for a wife and a potential family is VERY overwhelming to a man. Its a huge change in life and it can bring on very frightening feelings and thoughts that leave one feeling very depressed and overwhelmed.
He's reaching out to you.....by opening up and talking to you thats a huge invitation for help. He trusts you as it should be your engaged to be married and you marry through sickness and health, good and bad, rich and poor......so you will find your way.
Of course life is great when all is grand but life isnt always a bowl of cherries sometimes we bite a pit. Its not the end of the world its a chance to grow to learn and to show eachother how much we really do love eachother.
Sounds like you love him very much and he you. Remind him how much tell him often how wonderfull he is.....smile alot....tell him he looks great when he does. Its the little things that add up to the big stuff. If you have the program offer to share it with him tell him youve been where he is and you know how it can feel but you also know what to do to feel better.
Your a couple dont forget that. Youve entered into a commitiment with him so help him. Anxiety and Depression are conditions that we can reverse with the right way of thinking.
Dodger
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Guest
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Guest
hey guys,
thank you SO much for all your kind words and very helpful advice (also for checking up on me
The last few days have been a mixture of ups and downs and since I am hitting a bit of a low again I thought I'd reach back here for support.
In response to the question about the program. Yes, I completed the program about five years ago (wow!) and to this day can say in true honesty that it really saved me and my happiness. I got so bad back when I was in my teens that I actually became agrophobic (sp?) and would suffer panic attacks even leaving my house. These days I'm a million times better thank goodness!
Anyhow, back to the topic at hand. I have been very good at leaving subtle compliment for my fiance and I do so because I mean it. Despite those efforts he continues to be extra negative and very, very hard on himself. He had a French class this evening and he just beat himself up as soon as he came home over how horrible he presented himself, how he thought everyone in his class thought he was odd and how he's terrible at socializing in front of a large group of people. I told him that we are our own worst critics (which we are!) and that I'm 100% certain that nobody thought he was weird or odd in his class. I seriously think that my fiance is a really awesome and cool person (and so do my family and friends) so I told him so! Not sure if it helped but I guess it was worth a try...
I know there's nothing else I can do but give him lots of affection, positive affirmations and suggestions but so many times I feel truly helpless. More than anything right now, I reeally miss the guy I'm use to hanging out with who is talkative, funny and affectionate. He' so quiet, down, negative, and absorbed in himself-which I know is what depression is-it's been pretty tough.
I agree with you Dodger about taking that committment of helping one another bc we are a couple. I love him way too much to run away or distance myself from his problems. I love him so I want to help him. And true, life isn`t perfect!
thank you SO much for all your kind words and very helpful advice (also for checking up on me
The last few days have been a mixture of ups and downs and since I am hitting a bit of a low again I thought I'd reach back here for support.
In response to the question about the program. Yes, I completed the program about five years ago (wow!) and to this day can say in true honesty that it really saved me and my happiness. I got so bad back when I was in my teens that I actually became agrophobic (sp?) and would suffer panic attacks even leaving my house. These days I'm a million times better thank goodness!
Anyhow, back to the topic at hand. I have been very good at leaving subtle compliment for my fiance and I do so because I mean it. Despite those efforts he continues to be extra negative and very, very hard on himself. He had a French class this evening and he just beat himself up as soon as he came home over how horrible he presented himself, how he thought everyone in his class thought he was odd and how he's terrible at socializing in front of a large group of people. I told him that we are our own worst critics (which we are!) and that I'm 100% certain that nobody thought he was weird or odd in his class. I seriously think that my fiance is a really awesome and cool person (and so do my family and friends) so I told him so! Not sure if it helped but I guess it was worth a try...
I know there's nothing else I can do but give him lots of affection, positive affirmations and suggestions but so many times I feel truly helpless. More than anything right now, I reeally miss the guy I'm use to hanging out with who is talkative, funny and affectionate. He' so quiet, down, negative, and absorbed in himself-which I know is what depression is-it's been pretty tough.
I agree with you Dodger about taking that committment of helping one another bc we are a couple. I love him way too much to run away or distance myself from his problems. I love him so I want to help him. And true, life isn`t perfect!
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Guest