I said what I meant and meant what I said

Sidd · Post by **Sidd** » Mon Aug 11, 2008 8:27 am

I apologize if this gets lengthy, but I would appreciate some feedback if anyone is so inclined.

I rent a vacation house with two other families every year. Last year we all agreed that by Wed. morning everyone guest would be out of the house except for immediate family (that included my two young kids and my sister's three adult kids). Everyone was in agreement. However, my nephew's girlfriend has a habit of staying until "whenever". I spoke with my sister about this one month ago and had three seperate conversations with her about letting everyone in her family know that all guests were to be gone from the house by Wed. It was an uncomfortable conversation for me and required alot meditation and guts to ask this of my sister. I felt that it was taken care of as I got the message from her that this particular person was actually going on Tuesday (even better). Well Tuesday came and went, and not only was she still there, but another friend of my nephew's came down and was quite comfortable staying until "whenever" also. I spoke with my sister on vacation about this and was told not to worry, everyone was going to be out on Wed. morning. I was OK with this until Wed morning I learned that these two were staying until Thursday. I went to my sister and asked her to talk to her son about having "his" guests leave by noon time that Wed. She said she would talk to him. Well she didn't and the two were very happy staying yet another day. So I had to have another very uncomfortable conversation with my sister where she informed me that she never told my newphew about the arrangement we had and that she didn't want to upset him by kicking his friends out of the house. In the meantime I sent my son to a friend's house because he didn't have any friends to hang with for the week because I didn't invite anyone down for him in order to keep peace with everyone in the house. SO the conversation went on for about an hour and I felt it was all going to be OK and work out as my sister said she would handle it. My nephew's friend did leave that night but his girlfriend stayed until Thursday morning. So I took Ken's advice...I said what I meant and meant what I said, I was assertive and stuck to my guns. I did my part and was a wonderful host to all the 17 guests in that house for 6 days. I never complained about the mess in the house and rolled with punches as I knew by Wed. all would be quiet and we would be down to just 10 immediate family members. All guests were gone by Thursday morning...but the tension with my sister's family and myself was horrible. I again, spoke to my sister on Friday about the tension and I was told that my nephew was so hurt and didn't see anything wrong with his girlfriend staying so late into the vacation. Alright...I felt at this point this was enough. I talked about our arrangement 5 different times to my sister. I feel I was in the right and my sister dropped the ball with this one. We all ended very civil and nice once the vacation was over, but I can still feel the tension between my brother-in-law, nephew and myself.

So, this is the question. I did what I think I was suppose to do in terms of being assertive. I had several conversations with my sister who is responsible for communicating our agreement with her family. I was confident that all was to be taken care of. It was unfortunate that it wasn't, but by talking about it during the vacation, I thought it was resolved. OK here comes the part where I need help...now....all I do is obsess about this situation. I keep going over and over it in my head, like I did something wrong. Maybe I didn't do the assignment correctly....no one was suppose to get hurt. I didn't yell at anyone or accuse them of doing something bad...I simply let my sister know that I thought it was unfair that we (all people in the house) were imposed on with all those people all week because she didn't want to hurt her son's feelings. I felt I saved face and was careful how I choose my words. I was hoping I would feel good about being assertive....but all I'm doing at this point is obsessing! Can anyone see at what point did I do something wrong with this exercise in assertive behavior? I'm open to any suggestions. Thank you and again, I apologize for being so lengthy.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Aug 11, 2008 8:58 am

Sidd,

I think everything you did was right. You asked your sister several times to handle the situation and she neglected to do so. She knew the arrangement well in advance so there is no excuse for her not to follow through.

It stinks when we assert ourselves and look like the "bad guy" when in fact we are the ones in the right. Maybe write your sister an email explaining your side of the situation. Sometimes people are more inclined to open up over an email then they are over the phone.

T-twins · Post by **T-twins** » Mon Aug 11, 2008 9:03 am

Sidd
I am proud of you for saying what you mean and meaning what you say. It's not easy and it takes time and practice. Quit beating yourself up over this. You didn't do anything wrong. There is nothing wrong with wanting part of the vacation to be just immediate family. In fact it was quite nice to let the kid's friends come at all. So be kind to yourself and let this go.
You did well at being assertive and I'm sorry your sister didn't cooperate so well in telling her family the agreement that was made. Sounds like maybe she isn't too assertive with her own family. She should have just let her family know the agreement that had been made between the two of you. But regardless, I feel you did well and try to let this go. I too believe in time the tension between your brother in law and nephew will lesson. Just give it time.
My husband has a large family and we have some issues of our own from time to time and I am beginning to take up for myself more and be more assertive and tell them what is best for me, instead of always just being sweet little submissive, do whatever to please everyone else.
Sometimes you have to do what is best for you, you can always state it nicely. Anyway, just hang in there, it will all be ok, and it will not seem so upsetting in time. I do understand your frustration, because I have been in similiar situations. Just keep working the program, we have to keep practicing our skills.
Once again, you did well, give yourself a break, it will get better and easier with time.
Your Friend
Angla

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Aug 11, 2008 9:52 am

You worked pretty hard on Session 7; did you remember that Session 7 and Session 4 go together? Our homework tells us to review 4 and observe the correlations. I had some trouble following what was going on here but I think your expectations were solidly in place after talking with your sister. Could your obsessing about this come from your disappointments regarding unmet expectations? You are expecting things from your sister and her children, and frankly, I don't think you're ever going to get what you expect from them. To cut this short, if I were you, I'd decide to either just expect less next year (because that is what you are going to get, less than you expect from them) or I'd quit doing this with the shared vacation rental. The whole thing sounds too stressful to be a vacation I'd enjoy.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Aug 11, 2008 4:05 pm

Thankyou GI822, Angela and Pecos for all your feedback and support. I guess I was disappointed in my expectations of my sister and maybe that is what's bothering me. I will go back and look at session 4 again...it's been a while since I reviewed that session. It is difficult with large families and I'm learning bit by bit that you really cannot please everyone and everyone isn't going to be happy with you always. Again...thank you all for your great feedback!!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Aug 11, 2008 6:37 pm

Maybe I didn't do the assignment correctly....no one was suppose to get hurt.

If you recall what Lucinda says in the program, when we begin to practice assertiveness some people are going to think we are being selfish. So, you tell me where does it say that when we stand up for ourselves in an appropriate manner that no one will be offended? We can be assertive but there is no guarantee that anybody is going to like us when we are. I think your expectations that you can be assertive and everything will then be cool with everyone else is unrealistic. I wonder where that idea came from? Learning to be assertive means standing up for who we are while at the same time being respectful to others. It is learning to not be dependent upon others opinions of us to feel okay with ourselves. It is learning to be who we are as a person whether that is okay with anyone else or not. You want to be assertive but at the same time you seem to be saying that you're not okay with that because you need the approval of others. Sometimes you can't have both.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Aug 12, 2008 4:58 am

Hi Don:

Good point....I do want to be assertive but it still bothers me when it doesn't go well with others...still trying to please everyone I guess. I'm working on that...one step at a time and now I realize that there is some discomfort to all of this new growth I'm experiencing. I appreciate all the feedback. Thank you!